25 Funny Cheating Quotes That Will Make You Feel Better About Life

by Team Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 
funny cheating quotes

Cheating is never okay in a relationship or in life period. Cheating dismantles trust and hurts like hell. But sometimes in the midst of our darkest times, we need to laugh and see the bigger picture. Which is why we rounded up the best funny cheating quotes on the internet. Because sometimes you need to laugh at what you lost to understand that losing your cheating partner was probably the best thing for you. Below are over 20 of the funniest cheating quotes.

RELATED: These Funny Poems Are Guaranteed To Brighten Your Day

  1. “I can’t believe this – both my boyfriends are cheating on me!” – Lucy Wilde
  2. “‘I am’ is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that ‘I do’ is the longest sentence?” – George Carlin
  3. “When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.” – Sacha Guitry
  4. “Adultery is the application of democracy to love.” – H.L. Mencken
  5. “I don’t believe in extra-marital relationships. I think people should mate for life, like pigeons and Catholics.” – Woody Allen
  6. “You know, of course, that the Tasmanians, who never committed adultery, are now extinct.” – Somerset Maugham
  7. “There is one thing I would break up over, and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn’t stand for that.” – Steve Martin
  8. “I would never be unfaithful to my wife for the simple reason that I love my house too much.” – Bob Monkhouse
  9. “Robert Benchley and I shared an office that was so tiny, if it were an inch smaller it would have been adultery.” – Dorothy Parker
  10. “My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found us in bed together.” – Lenny Bruce
  11. “I’ve respected your husband for many years, and what’s good enough for him is good enough for me.” – Groucho Marx
  12. “I would never cheat in a relationship because that would require two people to find me attractive.” – Unknown
  13. “My wife met me at the door wearing a see-through negligée. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.” – Rodney Dangerfield
  14. “Every time you come in from cheating on someone, they’ll just whip out the most adorable term of endearment. Like, they’ll wake up, bright and early, sleep in their eyes and say: ‘Hey, perfect.'” – Dane Cook
  15. “The world is full of people who are ready to think the worst when they see a man sneaking out of the wrong bedroom in the middle of the night.” – Slappy White
  16. “One husband said he could always tell when his wife was having an affair because the poetry books were suddenly at the horizontal on top of the shelves.” – Jilly Cooper
  17. “The man who marries his mistress creates a vacancy in that position.” – James Goldsmith
  18. “I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.” – Woody Allen
  19. “I’m sure Mick Jagger will find someone else to be unfaithful to soon.” – Jerry Hall
  20. “I think my husband is having an affair with his secretary, because I would find lipstick on his shirt, covered with white-out.” – Wendy Liebman
  21. “I discovered my wife in bed with another man and I was crushed. So I said, ‘Get off me, you two.” – Emo Philips
  22. “The worst thing about having a mistress is those two dinners you have to eat.” – Oscar Levant
  23. “Eighty per cent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe.” – Jackie Mason
  24. “I wouldn’t trust my husband with a young woman for five minutes, and he’s been dead for twenty-five years.” – Kathleen Behan
  25. “I thought I was promiscuous, but it turns out I was just thorough.” — Russell Brand

Related: 24 Divorce Jokes For When You Need Laughter Therapy And A Chuckle

This article was originally published on