Do you enjoy mud? Do you also enjoy giving up most of your weekends to sit on uncomfortable bleachers while drinking crappy concession stand coffee and listening to your kid whine that they’re cold? Then youth sports might be for you!
OK, not for you, for your kid. But make no mistake — you will be heavily involved. Having a child enrolled in a sport can be a huge commitment and we’re mostly talking about what it takes to simply get them out the door in the correct clothing to get to practice on time. From keeping track of equipment to begging them to stay on the field and stop “taking breaks,” your kid’s sports career will rely on you a ton, so laugh about the drudgery with the funny parents of Twitter.
Drag a freshman health class on a little field trip to an 8:00 am soccer game on a Saturday. See how much sex happens after that.
2. Bring a sleeping bag.
At least it’s the same field. Right now, my husband and I are on opposite sides of town texting each other updates and whining that we’re cold. OK, that last part is just me, but whatever.
3. Oh shit, it’s Wednesday again?
After years of being a sports mom, I can tell you we go through a fuckload of Febreze every season. That’s a pro tip you guys are all welcome to steal.
4. Yes you are. We all are.
It’s hard not to get swept up in the competitive spirit but let’s keep in mind that most of the team hasn’t yet mastered wiping their butts independently. Expectations need to remain in check.
5. So inspiring.
Coaches are usually just parents going the extra mile, so as long as there’s no F bombs floating around, this sort of encouragement is fine by us. And if an odd F bomb slips out? We understand.
6. YES PLEASE.
I literally just organized our sports socks collection this week and we have an entire fucking rainbow’s worth of colors. Oh, except the color my son needs for baseball this season. Of course.
7. There’s always next year.
Not every child is an athlete but we do need skilled estheticians to help us combat our old lady chin hairs. Keep practicing, kiddo.
See, now this just seems like the kind of thing you’d have to do to survive youth sports.
9. *shakes head slowly*
Just go ahead and flush that $75 registration fee down the soccer field porta-potty. It’s quicker and more painless than suffering through the whole season.
10. Such a free spirit.
We all know this kid. Hell, some of us were this kid.
Hopefully, no one noticed.
“Isn’t this nice?” you say to your husband as everyone stands around the kitchen in the dark shoveling Digiorno pizza into their mouths while the scent of baseball socks and filthy cleats permeates the air.
Because the registration fee may seem like no big deal until you add up all you need to spend on equipment (that they’ll outgrow each season) plus, tournament fees, team snacks and the trophy. Yes, sometimes you get to fund that too. Bye bye retirement account!
14. Because, priorities.
Gotta keep your head in the game, kid. Then, we feast on burritos the size of your head.
Good luck this season, parents!
This article was originally published on