It’s summer vacation and every parent knows what that means — welcome to hell.
OK, to be fair, there’s some fun to be had and plenty of benefits. Nicer weather, no homework, no schedules, lots of easy hot dog dinners. But there’s also way more chances for sibling brawls, plenty of dawn wake-ups for no reason and all the whining for snacks and drinks that a little person can muster. Summer is a dream for kids, but can be a nightmare for parents. Luckily, we have the funny moms and dads of Twitter to make us laugh through those sunscreen-streaked tears.
1. LOL forever.
You sweet, innocent dear. Come here. We’ll pour you a wine and tell you the truth.
2. Speaking of wine.
Maybe do a quick sweep of the entire house and make sure any recorders and whistles are confiscated. Then plan to ditch the harmonica in the dark of the night. This isn’t the time for messing around.
3. Well la dee da.
Some moms planned ahead and did all they could to enrich their children this summer. Others are just trying to survive. I’m sure you can guess what camp I fall into. Camp. See what I did there?
4. Survival mode on fleek.
Blankets? Check. Phone? Check. Box of Pop-Tarts? Check. Box of wine? Check check. You’re officially ready to stay in your Mom Bunker all summer.
Isn’t it funny how they’re suddenly tiny dairy farmers once summer vacation hits? Off to check Amazon for blackout curtains.
6. Time literally stops.
When they’re up at dawn and awake past 9:00 pm because the fucking sun won’t go down it’s easy to feel like you’re on a never-ending odyssey. Better bring wine.
7. *screams internally*
Oh, you don’t enjoy being an unpaid cruise director who fields nothing but whines and complaints all day? Too bad.
8. He’s not wrong.
Bet you can’t wait to match wits with your grade schooler all summer. September, please come quickly.
9. Pretty much.
Sunscreen is the single biggest point of contention between me and my kids all summer long. And we’re only a few days in. Each bottle of sunscreen should come with a mini bottle of vodka attached because, oh my god.
10. Groundhog’s Day for moms.
You’re going to have that Jack Nicholson in “The Shining” look in your eye by summer’s end, but at least your kid will have perfected her shallow end handstands.
11. Nailed it.
You’ve got to tally your wins where you can. No tetanus boosters needed all summer definitely qualifies.
12. Play like a champion.
It’s all about low expectations. Someone’s kid will bring glory to their family one day, but we’ll settle for everything coming home from YMCA day camp. Except the water bottles. Those disappear into the abyss.
13. Time for more wine.
The fourth day is actually pretty good. I got my first “now what” at 10:00 am on Day 1.
Nothing is sacred now. Nothing at all.
If you need us, we’ll be in the fetal position until September.
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