Have you ever had someone go downtown and they were, ahem, driving too aggressively? Or licking at you like your cat would lick your arm? Or trying strange things with their nose? Or drilling the wrong spot over and over?
You aren’t alone. I think anyone with a vagina has had at least one experience where someone was trying really hard to please but was just missing the mark. Literally.
I mean, it’s no secret those luscious lips are complex. They have layers and places that feel great when caressed by a tongue and places where energy doesn’t need to be wasted.
If someone is going to spend time between our legs, I think we can honestly say both parties want it to be effective.
While I love the connection of having intercourse, receiving oral sex is, and has always been, my favorite way of getting off. But, how do we communicate that to our partner? And more importantly, how do we give them directions without making them feel like they suck too hard (see what I did there)?
And if you are the giver in this very sexy situation, how can you make sure your tongue isn’t going to get tired out and not give someone an orgasm?
Well, sit back and relax because we’ve got the sauce on how to make dining at the Y an orgasmic experience for everyone.
Scary Mommy talked with Rachel Sommer, Ph.D., a clinical sexologist with many years of experience helping single people and couples manage their own sexual growth.
Sommer says the number one thing you have to do is communicate and talk with your partner. Everybody is different. Every person likes different things. Some prefer a more rough motion, while others like something softer and slower. For me, I like a side to side slither of the tongue — but my partner isn’t going to know that unless I tell him.
Sommer says, “Talk to your partner beforehand so you can know what they expect from you, their likes, and most importantly, what to avoid. Having an honest conversation also enhances the excitement around sex while ensuring you’re both comfortable with each other. This way, you’re confident going down, and everyone enjoys their role.”
This is great if you can do it before you partake in the oral fun, but for a lot of people that is a hard one to tackle. Many of us wait until after the first time (or years of acting like we enjoy something our partner is doing), then we have the conversation.
So, whether we like it or not, we have to talk about it. You can do this during sexy times too. Nothing says “I really like that” like a moan or a lean into the face while you are receiving oral.
Or, you can say,”That feels great,” or “Yes!”
Sommer has worked with couples for a long time and says her top three tips for giving great oral are:
Build up the anticipation
“Building anticipation for oral sex initiates the release of dopamine — a pleasure haven brain neurotransmitter. In fact, dopamine is released as a result of the anticipation and not the actual sexual act. And when combined with unpredictability, the dopamine level doubles, enhancing how you feel pleasure,” she says.
Start by stroking the clit over the underwear. Then, move on to licking over the undies as well. You can also use your breath to warm up the entire area.
This will build some great orgasm energy. Then, you can pull the underwear to the side for uninterrupted contact.
Mix it up
Sommer says we don’t have to solely focus on the vulva and vagina while giving oral. “Use your hands to massage the inner thighs, nipples, and light hair pulling. Combining all these aspects make oral sex more wholesome and exciting for both parties.”
Not that anyone asked, but I felt more wholesome just reading about a good oral sesh.
Set your tongue free
“There’s no good or bad way to perform oral sex. Yes. I mean it,” says Sommer. “Of course, you’ll have to play within your partner’s desires and likes, but playing with your tongue is the secret. Try different approaches, including rimming the vulva or making small circles on the clit’s hood.”
Why is my vibrator always out of batteries when I need it the most?
Basically, experiment — and make sure you don’t condition your tongue to repeat the same thing over and over again. Vaginas like variety.
My favorite method is the Kivin method. Make sure you read that and try it too — it’s more comfortable for the giver because they approach you from the side instead of in between your legs, and it takes you to pleasure town real fast.
If you are struggling in the oral sex department, whether you are the giver or the receiver, talk to your partner about it.
And if you don’t feel like you can, print off this story and leave it on the bed, or send it to them as a way to break the ice.
Because seriously, oral sex is so good when it’s right — and everyone should experience it in a way that feels amazing to them.