Give Me A Diet Coke And Mind Your Business

by Colleen Dilthey Thomas
Scary Mommy, Tomáš Hustoles/Burst and Wikipedia Commons

I quit smoking. I quit drinking. I even quit exercising. (Maybe I should pick that one back up.) But so help me God, I’m not giving up my Diet Coke. And I don’t give one shit about what you think.

Understand, I am not a diet soda addict. If a restaurant serves Pepsi, I’m out. I’d rather choke down a glass of flavorless, non carbonated, lifeless water before I’d swish that nasty stuff in my mouth. I don’t care to try your ultra-caffeinated Mountain Dew and don’t dare offer me a Coke Zero because, “It all tastes the same.” Ummmmm, no. No thank you, it sure doesn’t.

Every morning I get my kids up for school and head straight to the fridge. I grab my first can. It’s cold, it’s refreshing and it centers me. I take my vitamins, serve up some Pop Tarts and I’m on my way out the door. By the time we get to school, I’m 12 ounces in and feeling great. Depending upon whether I remembered my purse or not, I may hit the McDonald’s drive thru for 32 ounces of fun. Did you know McDonald’s uses a special water filtration system and to pump just the right amount of carbonation into their D.C.? Well, it does. You’re welcome! That’s why it’s at the top of my list for a fresh one. I do miss the styrofoam cups, but I guess the environment wins.

I’ll work on that one for a while. I enjoy it. I savor it. Those bubbles burst in my mouth like champagne, but that sweet taste is so much better. My husband tells me it’s bad for my kidneys and other things I ignore. He drinks coffee all day. That can’t be much better. Plus, it’s all hot and my flashing self needs no more heat in my life! And, let’s not forget that I’m constantly looking for the sales and saving us money. Target hooks me up with 3/$12.00 on the reg. How much are you blowing on those K-Cups, pal?

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And now I will rank my Diet Coke experiences. First and foremost, give me a fountain. There is nothing quite like it. I could probably live off those alone. Next, ice cold can. All day long I can pop them and never get bored. Individual bottle is next in line. They just fizz out too quickly. I mean, if it’s all you’ve got I’ll take it, but it’s definitely not my fav. Then you’ve got the 2 liter. That’s my absolute last choice. Especially if it’s been sitting a while. It loses all of its carb and is just flat. But again, if I’ve gotta gag it down, I will.

All of these people I know drink water. And they think that I should too. One, it’s gross. Two, it tastes like nothing. Three, I have to pee soooo much when I drink it. I have four kids, I don’t have time for all that peeing. Give me the dehydration from the aspartame any day. Plus, Diet Coke is delicious!

You call me an addict. I prefer connoisseur, knowledgeable, an expert if you will. There was a time when I was addicted to Salem Slim Lights and Budweiser. Perhaps it’s my personality. But I’ll be damned if I have to give up every vice in my life. Plus, if you’re not truly passionate about something, I think it makes you boring.

You may disagree with my choices. You may think you’re all healthy and stuff and one day I’ll regret my D.C.s. Well guess what? You’re the one who’s missing out. You’re the one who’s no fun and all judgy with your coconut La Croix. I’m living the high life. I’m happy. I know what’s best for me. Mind your business. And like they said back in the ’80s, I’m in it, “Just for the taste of it! Diet Coke.”

P.S. Your La Croix tastes like shit.