The GOOP Holiday Gift Guide Is Here And It's As Batsh*t As Ever

by Maria Guido
Originally Published: 
Scary Mommy and Pascal Le Segretain/Getty

Nothing says “pandemic-inspired economic collapse” like buying a $2000 Ouija Board from GOOP

What do you get when you combine a waning full moon, a three day election, certain death from a novel virus, economic collapse, and Gwyneth Paltrow? The GOOP Holiday Gift Guide, of course. It’s here, it’s tone deaf, and goddammit — astronomical unemployment numbers and the collapse of the small business ecosystem in this country is not going to stop Gwyneth from publishing it. Thank God.

Yes, GOOP’s “Ridiculous but Awesome Gift Guide” is here — because rich people still have money. And goddammit, they’re going to spend it because literally just setting it on fire is very bad for the environment.

BED, $38,000

goop X Avocado

This is simply labeled “Bed” on the guide which I thought was obnoxious until I clicked through the link and landed on the title, “Bespoke, Artisanal Bed For Conscious Living.” No, you shut up. It really says that. Look:

It’s $38,000. Well, it’s actually “from $38,000″ which is rich-person speak for “you can get the shitty $38k version you cheap fuck, or you can get a good bed.”

Carbon Negative Vodka, $75

Air Company

This is apparently good for the environment, but the first time you go into a bar and hear yourself utter the words “carbon negative vodka straight up” you’ll hate yourself so much that life will become meaningless.

Ouija Board, $1995


When I was eight my neighborhood friends and I pulled a Ouija board out of the garage and sat on the sidewalk at night and contacted a ghost named “Jimbo” who apparently was the dead brother of one of said neighborhood friends. “Jimbo” just kept saying “Goodbye” (it’s au revoir on this high-class board) over and over again until we all cried and ran back inside our homes. I launched it into a far corner of my garage. When I was a teenager I learned if you throw a Ouija board away it comes right back — a thought that chilled me so deeply to the bone that I still refused to touch it. In my twenties I was told by a fortune teller in Greece to “never play with a Ouija board.” A few years later my mother unwittingly sold it at a yard sale. Anyway – you can purchase this thing for two grand, which is frankly a steal for a slice of actual hell that can potentially traumatize you for years.

Pyramid Commode, $35,000


So… a commode isn’t necessarily a toilet. It’s also a chest of drawers. Never in my forty-plus years on this planet have I heard anyone call a chest of drawers a “commode.” I suspect this is one of the many things they only teach really rich people. I thought there was a toilet in this pyramid! LET DOWN. But it’s really quite a beautiful piece of furniture if you have $35,000 TO SPEND ON ONE PIECE OF FURNITURE WHICH REALLY NO ONE SHOULD HAVE BECAUSE THERE ARE PEOPLE STARVING IN THE STREET. But enjoy!

Custom Birth Sill, $7500


This one comes with a full-size man and an actual human baby so it’s actually kind of a deal.

Watermelon Bag, price available upon request

Tsuchiya Kaban

This is a leather bag for holding a full size watermelon. Price available upon request which translates to, “you can’t afford this, asshole. You have to carry your watermelon in that Trader Joe’s bag you’ve had for five years with a hole in it.”

StudyPod, from $13,600

Study Pod

My son is currently having a virtual drum lesson for band and my daughter is saying “IT’S-A MARIO” in a faux Italian accent over and over again while she does her homework with her Super Mario pencil. I’m working full time from home. We’re all sharing the dining room table as a workspace. I would sell my actual soul for this fucking Study Pod. I was born into the wrong social class.

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