How to Win "My Most Annoying Facebook Friend"

1. If you have shared/commented that you believe in chemtrails (what everyone thinks is the trace left in the sky by an airplane and calls contrails, which you in fact know to be chemicals sprayed by the government to control our minds/make us addicted to Prozac), you are not eligible for this contest. If you have shared content from naturalnews.com, The Washington Times or infowars.com, you are not eligible for this contest. The reason for this is that being insane and annoying gives you an unfair advantage over the people who are merely annoying.

As Rumi himself once said, “The art of knowing is knowing what to ignore.”

2. If you have ever posted a Rumi quote as your status update, you are not eligible for this contest. I need to have some way of keeping the number of people entering the contest under a billion and this is the only way I can think of to do it. As Rumi himself once said, “The art of knowing is knowing what to ignore.”

3. If you have ever shared/commented that vaccinations cause autism, or shared “evidence” about this, you are not eligible for this contest. (See Rule 1). If, however, you merely shared/commented that people who believe that vaccinations cause autism should be allowed to “share their truth,” you are eligible for this contest.

4. If you have ever shared that you’re feeling grateful that your mother’s cancer is in remission or that the truck barreling at you at 65 miles an hour turned before impact, you may certainly enter this contest, but it is unlikely, given the appropriateness of the word “grateful” to your experience, that you will actually be a contender.

If you have shared that you’re feeling grateful because of “yummy snacks” or that you are grateful that your mother’s cancer has returned because now you have a marvelous opportunity to work on your “issues around impermanence,” then you should absolutely enter. The hashtag #grateful accompanying a photograph of a field of lupin will get you five bonus points but must have been posted prior to the contest’s announcement.

If your previous name was Pirate Fox, do not indicate this by drawing a fox wearing an eye patch shaped like a purple star.

5. If you have changed your name, please provide any other name you may have gone by on Facebook so that I don’t miss any of your posting history. If your previous name was Pirate Fox, do not indicate this by drawing a fox wearing an eye patch shaped like a purple star. Instead, write out the words “Pirate Fox.”

If you have changed your name more than 14 times in the past two years or more than seven times in the past four years or more than three times since you were born, please snail mail us a printout of all your Facebook status updates and comments since joining the site. Please staple the updates and comments made under each name separately because there will be a special prize awarded if changing from one name to another helped you in any way to become more annoying.

One last thing! Do not hesitate to enter if you are “just taking a break from Facebook” and especially do not hesitate to enter if the reason provided in your final status update was “to be more present for my family, my lover, and myself.” Also, if you have taken the Buzzfeed quiz “Which Game of Thrones Character Are You?” please do not enter, as this quiz may be used in the event of a tiebreaker.