I'm Afraid My Marriage Is Broken

by Julie Maida
Originally Published: 
Vladimir Vladimirov / Getty

I feel like my marriage is broken; the kind of broken that can’t be fixed with a date night or vacation. At this point, I feel like just the suggestion would be like throwing a box of Band-Aids at broken legs.

I don’t want to cover up the wounds with Neosporin and hope they don’t scar. We’ve been doing that for too long. A “time out” isn’t going to cut it this time.

I’m sure it’s my fault. My foundation is cracked and I haven’t been sturdy on my feet in quite some time. Maybe I’ve leaned on him too much.

My friend Depression has been staying with us periodically and seems to feel most comfortable wedged right between us. Plus, I’m not always the greatest housewife and often he comes home right after a tornado has come through the house. Oh, the laundry is piled and you have no boxer shorts for tomorrow? Sorry, I was chasing your son around all day making sure he didn’t choke or get brain damage. You’re welcome.

We’re both tired. Tired like you read about, and stressed out by the beautiful life we’ve created together. There’s not enough time to enjoy it right now and instead we resent each other and argue about nothing. Some people say children bring couples together. Maybe… in the delivery room and possibly the nursing home, but other than that? I call bullshit.

Our parenting styles are totally different. Apparently I’m the disciplinarian. I say no and it means no. He says maybe and it means yes. I feel like I play the bad guy all the time with the teen and four-year-old and he doesn’t understand why that upsets me. I spend all day with a toddler and when he gets home I’m practically at the door ready to run away. Dinner? Laughable.

I don’t know why I thought this would be easier. I feel like we’re the only ones struggling with their beautiful life because no one talks about it. “Do you ever hate your husband?” is not a question I would feel comfortable throwing out there in fear the answer would be, “Oh my God, how could I? Our life is perfect.” God damn you, June and Ward Cleaver for making it look so simple. There is nothing simple about this.

I miss my marriage today.

I miss my best friend and the unwavering “Us” we were before all of these wonderful blessings came along and fucked it all up. We made each other better. We were a team. There was nothing we could not accomplish together.


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