There are some things I used to do before I had kids that are impossible now that I have three. Remember the things you used to dare try because you had silence, the time, and the patience — back when these things weren’t considered luxuries like they are to so many of us now because we have little hellions running around ruining everything they touch? Here is a list of 10 things that are ill-advised once you start breeding. Believe me, I have tried them all.
1. Leaving Your Drink on the Coffee Table
Or any other convenient, reachable surface for that matter. It doesn’t matter what it is — that drink is going to get spilled, or have a sticky fist or dirty toy plopped in it. This is especially unfortunate if said drink was the last of the alcohol in the house.
2. Using Hair Remover on Your Bikini Area
Now, if a nice landing strip is what you are going for here, I implore you, if there are kids within a 5-mile radius of your lady bits, this is not going to work. As soon as you are able to find a free moment, lock yourself in the bathroom and apply the cream just so, somebody is going to break something — a glass, the television, their toe. And as soon as this happens, you will forget about your trim landing strip and start running. Word to the wise here, that shit drips.
3. Trying to Make a Phone Call
I once got very brave while all my kids were watching a movie and called the doctor’s office to make their yearly appointments. This is no easy task. I was on hold for so long I peed twice before I talked to a human being. By this time, all three of my kids were hanging from the chandelier and sliding down the banister. “Do you want to do this at a more convent time?” she asked me. I answered her by breathing fire into the phone and saying,”No! Since you only take appointments during the hours that all three of my children are awake, there is no convenient time ever. Let’s just get this over with!”
4. Sending an Angry Text
This can always be a little dangerous because of autocorrect. But with children in the mix, your nerves are already shot, so you type extra feverishly and, more often than not, do not have the extra second to see what the text actually looks like before it gets sent. Why, just the other day I was texting my husband and what was supposed to read, “I am so mad at you right now. I can’t talk about this,” actually ended up saying, “I am so bad for you right now. I can’t take this.” Apparently he didn’t get the vibe I was angry. Nobody won here.
5. Taking on Too Much
We are mommies! We can do it all! Except some days we can’t. Hell, I have days when I can’t do anything except slowly sip caffeine and hope I come back to life let alone take care of someone else’s child or volunteer at school all day. It is OK to say no. Say it as much as you need to — at least that is my motto now that I have learned my lesson.
6. Trying a New Makeup Trend
It can seem very fun at first, and you think it may be the answer to keeping you looking young, fresh, and fab — like the smoky eye or filling in sparse eyebrows. I have tried these and they both failed, miserably. I got my eyebrow kit out once and got one eyebrow done. I looked like Brooke Shields circa 1982 (well, half of my face anyway). Then I had to rush my child to the emergency room because he busted into the bathroom to tell me his skin felt like it was on fire. He had broken out in hives due to some medication he was on. Sweating from getting him and my other two kids in the car led to my new eyebrow running down my face. The doctor didn’t know who was there to see her, me or my child.
7. Taking a Bath Alone
This is not going to happen, Mama, especially if you dare to use special salts or bubbles. The kids will come running in wearing their swimming goggles and armed with plastic animals that squirt water in your eyeballs.
8. Listening to Your Music
The other day I was rocking out to Dave Matthews, and my kids asked me at least 25 times why I was listening to music from the olden days. I couldn’t hear “Ants Marching” — the only thing I could hear was my voice telling them to shut up.
9. Trying to Catch Some Zzz’s While They Are Awake
We have all tried to sneak in a little shut-eye when the kids are playing quietly. Let’s face it: You don’t really fall asleep, you just drift a little, you can still hear everything they are doing, and you are still aware. You hope it will get better when they are older, but it doesn’t. “Mom, Mom, Mom, Mom” is all I hear as soon as I close my eyes for a second, and my youngest is 9.
10. Trying to Sneak Treats
We have all been here. We try to sneak in the pantry to down a piece of candy or some chips without the kids finding out, but as soon as they hear the wrapper crinkling, here they come. It is over for you and your Peanut M&M’s.
But while this is tough some days, I realize before I know it these kiddos will be grown, and I will be able to indulge in all of these things whenever I want and will probably wish they were here to interrupt me. Until then, I will be spending lots of time in the locked bathroom with my M&M’s.