‘Teloton – Because You Won’t Shut Up About Your Stupid Bike’
If you have a friend (or are that friend) who won’t shut up about your Peloton, the good news is you’re not the only one. The bad news is the rest of us don’t want to hear about it.
While we are thrilled for our Peloton-loving friends and loved ones who achieved their personal record, finally passed Marjorie from New Jersey, got a shoutout from their favorite instructor, or completed their 100th ride, we also wish there was someone else they could talk to about it. Enter Jimmy Kimmel’s “Teloton,” a fake phone service that lets you brag to someone you pay $40 a month to listen.
Jimmy Kimmel and his team at Jimmy Kimmel Live created a sketch called “Teloton – Because You Won’t Shut Up About Your Stupid Bike.” In it, one rider gets to brag about all sorts of Peloton-related activities like his growing quad muscles, sweating from his elbows, his latest personal best, and other random happenings that even the Teloton lady can’t handle.
Teloton is here to save the day, y’all.
The Teloton listener starts out congratulating “Josh” for achieving all his goals, so those around him don’t have to fake excitement any longer. She seems almost genuine about her happiness that he burned 400 calories in 20 minutes, but that doesn’t last for long because no one, and I mean no one, cares about these workouts.
Eventually, she starts saying things like, “Yeah, you mentioned that,” while she’s causally eating at her desk, clearly not feeling it. Josh is undeterred, talking all about how the Peloton saved him and wondering if the two of them are becoming friends. “Do you pay $40 a month to talk to your friends?” she responds.
Even Teloton is sick of hearing from you.
When Josh decides he’s going to recite the top 12 instructors “not in alphabetical order,” she’s finally had enough. “No. Fuck this,” the Teloton woman says as she tears off her headset and walks away right into Josh. She pushes him off the bike, yelling, “No one cares about your stupid fucking bike,” and anyone who has ever endured these conversations will be able to relate.
Kimmel noted that Peloton sales have gone up 172% since the pandemic started. It’s been a great way for some people to bring the gym home to them, and while that is amazing for people’s mental and physical health, telling others about every detail of your ride (or latest diet or the MLM you’re selling) does the opposite for them.
It’s too bad this is only a sketch and not a legit business as I think a lot of us would be happy to outsource some of our loved ones to it.