John Oliver Finally Gets Verbally Manhandled By Crush Adam Driver

by Julie Scagell

Oliver’s crush on Adam Driver is of epic proportion

If you watch Last Week Tonight With John Oliver on HBO, you know his slight obsession with Adam Driver. And by slight, I mean the most celebrated, uninhibited man crush of all time that gets mentioned in nearly every single episode. Well, Oliver had his dreams come true during the final show of the year when Driver called in to give him a stern talking to — just the way Oliver always imagined it.

In recapping 2020 for the final episode, Oliver noted how he spent the last 12 months fawning over the Marriage Story actor. So, when Driver FaceTimed him to ask, “What the fuck are you doing?” Oliver was quick to apologize — sort of.

“This thing you’ve been doing that’s either sexual or violent… This strange, strange bit that for some reason you’ve pulled me into. What is it?” Driver asked Oliver. “When you first started doing it, it was easy for me to shrug it off,” to which Oliver replied, “Especially with those shoulders, I bet.” But Driver persevered.

“Do you realize, over this past year, what you’ve asked me to do to you? ‘Collapse on your chest.’ ‘Tie your fingers in a square knot.’ ‘Step on your throat.’ ‘Shatter your knees.’ ‘Pull your heart out through your ear.’ What’s wrong with you?” Driver continued. “You realize we’re strangers, right? I don’t know you. And now random people on the internet stan us, claiming that you thirsting over me is ‘a mood.'”

This is the best conversation to ever happen in late night history.

But wait. There’s more.

Oliver semi-apologized for lusting after Driver like most of America but ended up calling himself, “America’s naughtiest bitch.” Finally though, he conceded, “Consider this bit over. It’s done.” Driver then tried consoling Oliver by asking him to get up and explore around a bit. “Adam, are you giving me an order?” Oliver quipped, and the rest took a rather sharp turn left.

“Explore the fucking space, you hollow-boned Mr. Bean cosplayer,” Driver demanded. “Look around you, you under-baked gingerbread boy.”

“Oh God, that feels good,” Oliver said.

It seems that Oliver is understandably obsessed with Driver’ size and stature compared to his own. With sentences like “Choke slam me to hell, you nasty shed. Jam your mandible claw down my throat, you irredeemable steer,” it became clear to fans that Oliver wanted to be thrown around like some sort of WWE flunky.

“A lot of you might well be wondering where I’m going with this bit,” Oliver said on another episode. “If you’re anything like my staff, you’re asking questions like, ‘Is this sexual or is it violent?’ And then you’re unsatisfied when the answer comes back, ‘Yes.’ If you’re like my wife, you might be asking, ‘Should I be worried about this?’ with your concern only growing when the answer is, ‘Only if you want to be.’”

What a perfect end to 2020 — for Oliver and the rest of us.