Ladies, We Need To Talk More Openly About Sex

by Christine Burke
Caiaimage/Justin Pumfrey Getty Images

Ladies, we need to talk about sex.

Or, more specifically, we need to talk about how we don’t talk about sex with our friends.

And I’m not talking about the cutesy comments we make about how sex can be a chore and that tired joke that men are insatiable and women can’t keep up.

We’ve all been to Moms’ Night Outs where our friends complain about their husbands’ sex drives or about how exhaustion pretty much sucks every sexual impulse out of your veins.

Yes, we’ve all been there. We’ve all been too tired for sex. We’ve all had those days where we don’t feel sexy because our yoga pants are three days old and we haven’t washed our hair in God knows how long.

And yes, toddlers who crawl into bed with us at night make doing the hanky panky with our partners more than tricky, but come on, ladies.

We are still having sex. It may not be as often as we’d like and it sure as shit doesn’t resemble the hot and heavy nights from when we were dating, but the fact is, we are still getting it on with our partners from time to time.

And it can’t be all bad, right?

Because I have news for you: I may have kids and be exhausted 150% of the time but, ladies, I’ve had some pretty fucking awesome sex since becoming a parent. And I want to be able to openly talk about it with my friends. However, more often than not, women are still plagued with the “good girls don’t talk about sex” platitude and the details of our sex lives are glossed over when we are sipping wine with our friends.

What gives?

Why are we willing to recount every aspect of our post-childbirth shit in minute detail to our BFF, but we can’t talk about the incredible orgasm we had when our toddler finally fell asleep in his own bed?

Ladies, it’s time we really talked about sex. Openly and honestly.

Because, guess what? Women have all sorts of private experiences that make them feel inadequate or embarrassed in the bedroom. We turn to our best girlfriends for support when we feel like we suck as mothers or when we need help figuring out why our crotch smells like fish. Wouldn’t you love to be able to hear other women talk about sexual positions or situations that would make you feel less embarrassed about enjoying unconventional sex?

Fuck yeah, we would.

In an interview with Bustle, clinical sexologist Rena McDaniel, M.Ed, states, “When we talk about sex with our friends, we are normalizing experiencing pleasure with our own bodies,” McDaniel says. “As a sex therapist, I hear stories from so many women who think they are broken because ‘sex isn’t working.’ But when we share our experiences with each other (the really pleasurable moments as well as the painful ones), we can learn from each other, share resources, and collectively learn to have even better and more pleasurable sex.”

Ladies, we are doing each other a disservice by not talking about sex.

So, let’s do this, shall we?

Let’s talk about the uncomfortable topics that make us blush so that they’ll stop making us blush.

Let’s talk about the best ways to give a blow job. We need to own up to spitting, swallowing or “no fucking way am I putting that in my mouth” so that our friends can feel more normalized in their sexual experiences. We’ve all had those uncomfortable moments in our sexual past and its time to lift the veil on the meat curtain so we can all benefit. Sharing is caring, right?

Topics like masturbation, clitoral stimulation, and sex toys need not be embarrassing. Talking openly with our friends about what feels good in the bedroom not only empowers us but also emboldens us to try new things. What if your friend has a sex technique that will make sex mind blowing for you? You won’t know until you ask her, right?

Considering that 4 out of 10 women enjoy anal sex, chances are, you might be one of them. And there are three other women sitting at the PTA meeting who enjoy anal, too. Wouldn’t it be awesome to know you are not alone in what makes you feel amazing when you are alone with your partner?

And, while yes, we should always keep the lines of communication open with our partners, the fact is, there are just some topics that women understand better than men. From having sex while our boobs are leaking milk to our periods making us feel like bloated whales, our best girlfriends have been through it, too.

So don’t be afraid to speak up the next time you are with your girlfriends when it comes to sex. I’m willing to bet that conversation will go on for hours because our BFFs always know best.