50 Things I'd Rather Do Than Laundry

by Toni Hammer
Originally Published: 
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We all have that one chore we hate doing. Some people hate vacuuming. Some hate scrubbing the toilet. I’d venture to say most of you agree with me when I say that laundry is the worst chore in the entire universe, and I hate it with the passion of a thousand angry toddlers.

The thing about laundry is that, unless you and your family are forming a nudist colony, it’s never 100% finished. Sure, all the laundry in the basket could be washed and dried, but the clothes that you’re wearing while washing and drying are now in need of washing, as well as the clothes everyone else in the house has been wearing while you washed and dried.

Laundry isn’t a simple task either — like when you do dishes, you wash the dish and then you’re done. With laundry, there are like a million steps. You have to find it all, then sort it all, then wash it all, then dry it all, then fold it all, then put it all away. So many steps for a chore that’s never done.

Because I want you to understand just how deep my hatred for laundry goes, I’ve compiled a list of 50 things I would rather do than laundry.

1. Fly to Mars with 17 2-year-olds.

2. Have Borat perform open-heart surgery on me.

3. Go back to middle school.

4. Never eat chocolate again.

5. Never drink booze again.

6. Attend a Trump rally.

7. Take a bath in jalapeño juice.

8. Grow up to look like Mike Wazowski from Monsters, Inc.

9. Have my 4-year-old cut my hair.

10. Give birth to a sperm whale.

11. Let my kids play with glitter.

12. Wear a bridesmaid dress every day for a year.

13. Get a paper cut on my cornea.

14. Have a permanent sunburn.

15. Walk barefoot in the snow uphill both ways.

16. Host Thanksgiving dinner for the Kardashians.

17. Live next to Ned Flanders.

18. Have my home be under constant loud renovation involving jackhammers.

19. Exist in a world where Clorox wipes are banned.

20. Give up my yoga pants.

21. Be a guest on The Jerry Springer Show.

22. Be incapable of plucking stray chin hairs, forcing me to eventually look like a member of ZZ Top.

23. Develop a sudden allergy to cheese.

24. Watch a Caillou marathon.

25. Become Amish.

26. Cut my toenails with a machete.

27. Let Gary Busey be my heterosexual life partner.

28. Hire Pig-Pen to be my housekeeper.

29. Listen to my 2-year-old tell me knock-knock jokes.

30. Get a pet anaconda.

31. Go on vacation with the Duggars.

32. Read the comment section for Fox News Facebook page.

33. Sit next to someone on a plane who’s eating tuna.

34. Eat kale.

35. Have Gordon Ramsay critique my cooking.

36. Go to Olive Garden only to discover they no longer offer unlimited salad and breadsticks.

37. Kiss a jellyfish.

38. Go to the opening day of High School Musical 72.

39. Walk barefoot at Legoland after a tornado has knocked everything over.

40. Eat Taco Bell and then be unable to locate a bathroom 30 minutes later.

41. Have my husband reverse his vasectomy.

42. Get all my medical diagnoses from WebMD.

43. Wear a hot pink leotard to church.

44. Become a cat lady.

45. Have all of my stress dreams come true.

46. Be a target for the U.S. Olympic archery team.

47. Try to explain The Matrix series to someone who’s never seen the movies.

48. Make the It’s a Small World ride at Disneyland my permanent residence.

49. Receive an electric shock every time I try to pee by myself.

50. Watch helplessly as my kids find my hidden stash of junk food and eat it in front of me.

I could go on and on, but I have to stop now because the dryer just dinged. It’s time to fold some clothes and feel a part of my soul die with every pair of pants I crease.

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