140+ Anti Jokes If Your Inspiration (Or Humor) Is Running Dry

by Team Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 

Jokes are funny… sometimes. Sometimes, bad jokes are so bad they’re good. And other times, the funniest thing you can do is tell an anti joke. What’s an anti-joke, you ask? An anti joke is one where the person on the receiving end is anticipating a punchline, yet something so simple, dry, or even dark is delivered. They’re not quite dark jokes, but right in that territory. Dry humor is its own brand of funny and if you can pull it off, you can make a moment very entertaining. It tends to be an interesting version of sarcasm or bluntness.

If you think you’re alone in looking for anti jokes, well, you’re not. According to the latest search data available to us, anti jokes are searched for nearly 40,500 times per month. Check out some of our favorites and tuck them away in your entertainment arsenal for the perfect situation.

1. What do you call a joke that isn’t funny?

A sentence. 2. What did one stranger say to the other? Nothing. They didn’t know each other. 3. How do you confuse someone? Paint yourself green and throw forks at them. 4. What did one Frenchman say to the other Frenchman? I don’t know; I don’t speak French. 5. Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened. 6. What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A horrible boating accident. 7. Why did the teacher tell Jamie she was wearing too much makeup? Because she was wearing too much makeup. 8. I told my friend she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised. 9. What do you call a pigeon that can’t find its way back home? A pigeon. 10. What’s worse than finding a worm in your apple? Being robbed. 11. Why did Benjamin get sick after eating too much ice cream? He was lactose intolerant. 12. How is a laser beam similar to a goldfish? Neither one can whistle. 13. I accused my husband of being too immature. Then he told me to get out of his fort. 14. How do you get someone to stop swinging on the tire swing? Snip the rope. 15. What did the man say when he lost his truck? “Where’s my truck?” 16. Why did Jordan stay home from the party? He wasn’t invited. 17. What did one woman say to the other woman next to the coffee machine? “Coffee looks good.” 18. Do you know why everyone is afraid to come to my house? It’s haunted. 19. Why did the girl drop her ice cream cone? She tripped over a pothole. 20. What makes you laugh harder than your own child? A whoopie cushion. 21. You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice. 22. Why did Katie break open her piggy bank? She ran out of money. 23. What’s the one thing in life you can actually always count on? A calculator. 25. What did one ant say to the other ant? Nothing. Ants communicate by pheromones, not speech. 26. Do you know why I look like I can’t hear you? Because I can’t, my headphones are on. 27. What did the monkey and pancake batter have in common? They both love bananas. 28. I was shocked when I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof. 29. Who shaves at least 20 times a day? A barber. 30. What’s one thing you can do over and over again and not remember a single thing? Drink alcohol. 31. Someone stole my mood ring. I don’t know how I feel about that. 32. Back in 1980, I fell off my bike, twisted my foot, and hurt my knee. I’m telling you this now because there was no social media in the ‘80s. 33. A patient told the surgeon he couldn’t feel his legs. The surgeon replied, “I know. I amputated your arms.” 34. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it, Then my illegal logging company is a success. 35. What do sprinters eat before a race? Nothing, they fast. 36. Two muffins are in an oven. One says to the other, “Dang, it’s hot in here.” The other replies, “Yeah, probably like 350 degrees.” 37. How is a bar of soap the same as your dreams? They’re both amazing at slipping away. 38. Do you want to know what always makes me smile? Face muscles. 39. You know what they say? Words. 40. What did the raccoon say to the other raccoon? “Does my breath smell like garbage?” 41. I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m OK. 42. Why do flamingos stand on one leg? If they lifted up the other one, they’d fall over. 43. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet. 44. A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks him, “Why the long face?” The horse says, “Evolution.” 45. What’s blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint. 46. Do you want to know my secret to sanity? Red wine. 47. What did he give her on Valentine’s Day? Something red and lots of lies. 48. Why did the kid in the movie theater get yelled at? He was talking. 49. Knock, knock. Come in! 50. I talk to myself because sometimes I just need advice. 51. What did the fried rice say to the shrimp? Nothing. Rice can’t talk. 52. How tall is the Empire State Building? One Empire State Building tall. 53. Why do you never see elephants hiding behind trees? They’re so good at it. 54. Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face. 55. You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999. 56. Do you know what’s odd? Every other number. 57. Scientific fact: If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would die. 58. Why can’t Tommy the T. rex clap? Because dinosaurs have been extinct for 65 million years.


59. Guess what I saw today?

Everything I looked at. 60. Every 60 seconds, A minute passes. 61. Why did the mailman die? Because everybody dies. 62. What did the asteroid that killed the dinosaurs say? “T. rexxie, babe, I’m coming in for a hug.” 63. What did one Japanese man say to the other Japanese man? I do not know; I don’t speak Japanese. 64. A guy walks into a bar. Then he gets a drink and leaves. 65. What would Santa Claus be called if he had no hands? Probably still Santa Claus. However, he doesn’t exist, so it doesn’t really matter. 66. How many apples grow on a tree? All of them. 67. Never trust an atom. They make up everything. 68. What’s so great about living in Switzerland? Nothing, except that the flag is a plus. 69. Have you ever noticed that when geese fly in a ‘V’ formation, one line is always longer than the other? Do you know why that is? Because there are more geese in that line. 70. Why did the therapist wipe away the T. rex’s tears? He couldn’t reach his own face. 71. Why are friends a lot like snow? If you pee on them, they disappear. 72. What do you call a pretty woman on the arm of a musician? A tattoo. 73. Humpty Dumpty had a great fall… And a pretty good spring and summer too. 74. What’s black and white and eats like a horse? A zebra. 75. What do you call a fish with no eyes? It doesn’t even matter. 76. What do a banana and a helicopter have in common? Neither of them is a police officer. 77. What’s the difference between a rabbit and a grape? They’re both purple, except the rabbit isn’t. 78. When we were kids, we used to be afraid of the dark. But when we grew up, the electricity bill made us afraid of the light. 79. Learning how to collect trash wasn’t hard. I just picked it up as I went along. 80. A horse walks into a bar. Several people get up and leave as they recognize the potential danger in the situation. 81. Learn sign language. It’s very handy. 82. What’s brown and sticky? A stick. 83. What did the plumber say to the singer? “Nice pipes.” 84. What did the doctor say to the other doctor? “We’re both doctors!” 85. Why was six afraid of seven? It wasn’t. Numbers aren’t sentient and are incapable of feeling fear. 86. I’d never tell you a pizza joke. It’s way too cheesy. 87. What’s orange and tastes like an orange? An orange. 88. My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?” And I told him, “No, it doesn’t!” 89. Did you hear about the circus fire? It was in tents. 90. The best anti jokes? Here are some of my favorite ones: One, uno, ein, un. 91. How long does it take you to count to 100? I don’t care. 92. What did the five fingers say to the face? Nothing. Fingers can’t talk. 93. I still remember the last words my grandfather said before he kicked the bucket. He said, “Hey, how far do you think I can kick this bucket?” 94. Mary had a little lamb, And the doctor fainted. 95. Knock, knock. Who’s there? To. To who? No, “to whom.” 97. Take your age and add five to it. That’s your age in five years. 98. Roses are dead. Violets are dead. I am a bad gardener. 99. Why can’t dinosaurs laugh? Because they’re all dead. 101. When did the astronaut who floated away from the spaceship come back? Never. He floats forever. 102. What does a dad joke sound like in space? As cringe as it sounds on earth. 103. What did the mosquito say to the other mosquito? “This vein’s mine.” 104. When is a dad officially a dad? When his jokes no longer get laughs. 105. Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Chickens had not evolved yet. 106. What came first, the chicken or the egg? Dinosaurs. 107. Want to know something that will make you smile? Your facial muscles. 108. What do you call a pencil sharpener that can’t sharpen pencils? Broken. 109. What do you get when you mix a goat and a sheep? A geep. 110. This girl invited me to her house, saying nobody was home. I got there, and nobody was home. 111. What ended after 1987? 1988. 112. What does one French Guy say to another French Guy? “My name is also Guy.” 113. Knock, knock. I wonder who is at the door. I hope they know a good joke since levity is important in this cruel life. You have to smile sometimes. 114. What did one lawyer say to the other lawyer? “We’re both lawyers!” 115. What’s white and annoying at breakfast? An avalanche. 116. What’s funny about five people in a Chevy Suburban driving off a cliff? Nothing. They were my friends. 117. You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends… But you can’t rob a bank. That’s a felony. 118. Why is there no aspirin in the rainforest? Because it wouldn’t be financially viable to sell pharmaceuticals in a vastly unpopulated rainforest. 119. I’m on a seafood diet. It’s going to be really tough for me — I lost a bet to a friend, and the problem is I am a vegetarian. 121. What do you call a talking turtle? A cartoon. 122. What do you call a car wash that won’t wash cars anymore? Broken. 123. What is brown, sticky, and sometimes smelly? Mud. 124. What did Batman say to Robin before he got into the Batmobile? “Robin, get in the Batmobile!” 125. Take my wife now, please! We have run out of gas and she’s late for work. 126. Where was the Constitution signed? At the bottom. 127. Why did the dinosaur say “hello” to the little girl? He was being polite. 128. How does the white-tail deer jump higher than the average house? This is due to their powerful hind legs and the fact that the average house can’t jump. 129. What did the pirate do before he buried his treasure? Dug a hole. 130. Why did the man have a nosebleed? Because he got punched in the face. 131. A horse walks into a bar, and the bartender asks, “Why the long face?” The horse, incapable of reason and understanding human language, shits on the floor and walks back out the bar door. 132. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down. 133. What are green, blue, red, yellow, and pink? Colors. 134. Where do polar bears vote? I was unaware that polar bears had political views. 135. How do you know it’s cold outside? You go outside and it’s cold. 136. What did the farmer say when he lost his tractor? “I lost my tractor.” 137. How do you wake up Lady Gaga? You set her alarm clock for a reasonable hour of the morning. 138. A grasshopper walks into a bar, and the bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you.” The grasshopper replies, “What? You have a drink called Steve?” 139. What is red and extremely bad for your teeth? A flying brick. 140. Why did the bird fall out of the tree? Because it passed out. 141. Why did the mouse eat the cookie? Because he was hungry. 142. Why couldn’t the bird screw in the lightbulb? Because he didn’t have hands. 143. What do you call a person on the moon? An astronaut. 144. What do you call a man with a shovel in his head? An ambulance, due to the fact that he has a rather severe head wound. 145. What did the cowboy say at his second rodeo? “This ain’t my first rodeo!”

This article was originally published on