Can You Really Be Friends With Someone If Their Parenting Style Differs From Yours?

Moms feeling lonely isn't anything new. In any Facebook group, Instagram reel, or Reddit thread, you can find moms sharing how deeply they want a village — they want friends they can call on a Saturday and invite over for a playdate, friends they can meet at the park with a box of doughnuts and a cup of coffee, friends they can text at midnight when their baby has some weird rash. It's harder than it sounds, though... and differing parenting styles can be a major issue when trying to find your own village of moms.

Of course, you don't know how different someone's parenting style is until you're truly around them. And once you do get to know them, it can be kind of startling to learn that someone you hoped to parent alongside believes in absolutely zero screen-time and all organic food when you rely on the television to cook frozen nuggets and boxed macaroni and cheese every night. But what kind of parenting differences matter, if at all, when it comes to friendship?

Like so many things in life, it really depends on your own personal priorities and principles — as well as how someone else's choices impact you and your child's life. Jola Jovani, a certified relationship coach, tells Scary Mommy that, ideally, the more your parenting values align with those of another mom, the easier it is to maintain a relationship. However, that doesn't mean you can't maintain a healthy friendship even if your values differ.

"Differences in parenting styles relate closely to differences in values, personal experiences, and at times, educational background. Different is not always bad, especially when we also account for cultural differences and expectations," Jovani says. So when you're looking at how a friend parents, it's important to consider their cultural upbringing, their personal values, and their outlook on life, including any current stressors they might be dealing with. "Even though a mom might find that a certain approach to handling tantrums or homework is more effective, that doesn't mean that all other approaches are completely wrong or harmful. The most important aspect of parenting is the security of the caregiver's attachment with their child, which allows a lot of room for mistakes and variations in styles. It's important to be aware of your fears and insecurities about yourself or your child so that you do not project those same concerns to your friends."

But let's be honest — sometimes a difference in parenting styles can be huge. Sometimes you don't feel safe spending time with a family because of their parenting styles, and that's OK.

Jovani says if you're unsure about ending a friendship, you need to consider its impact on you. "Is something happening in a way that is directly impacting you or your child that you don't feel comfortable with? For example: hitting, pushing, biting, swearing, or any other challenging behavior that might be directed towards you or your child."

In those cases, she says it makes sense to use your voice and involve the other parent, and then go from there. If you're not comfortable with how a parent handles a situation, it's best to go ahead and decide that this is not the friend for you.

In instances where a parenting style simply doesn't align with yours and doesn't directly impact you, Jovani advises being mindful of labeling it as something harmful. "We don't see or know everything, and sometimes people make mistakes or feel overwhelmed in a particular moment or season of life," she says. "Real change comes from feeling accepted and supported, not from a place of shame or judgement."

"If you see something that doesn't sit quite right with you, check in with the other parent if you can offer some thoughts," she suggests. "You can focus specifically on challenges you have personally faced and how they worked for you. Because you are not a professional, refrain from giving advice, and instead focus on sharing your own journey or experience. Don't be afraid to also offer support should they need it. This takes the conversation from a space of criticism to one of collaboration and care."

Deep down, you know that a difference in parenting styles doesn't mean you have to cut off someone from your life. But if they make you uncomfortable — whether they're commenting on your own parenting style or making choices that just don't sit right with you — it's fair to say the friendship won't work.

They can still be a person you see, like, at the local park for your kids to interact. If you're wanting a deeper, more lasting friendship, though, it's best to find friends whose values align with yours. And then a simple parenting style difference won't matter so much because the things that are really important and matter to the both of you will always be a top priority.