“Loneliness Creep” Is Real, & Moms Are Especially Vulnerable

We’ve all had the experience of feeling alone in a crowded room, right? Or knowing we have friends to call or text, yet feeling like reaching out is just pointless. We’re calling it “loneliness creep” — when that feeling of being left out or separate from those around you creeps in even when you’re in the midst of your favorite people. You know you have support. You know you are loved, and you love those around you. So, what gives? It turns out that moms are particularly vulnerable to this feeling.

For starters, don’t panic if you’ve been feeling this sensation of loneliness. It doesn’t mean you suck, or that your friends suck, or that your life sucks (this bears saying if you tend to catastrophize). Being lonely sometimes is part of the human experience.

“It's completely normal to feel lonely even when you’re surrounded by people who love you,” says licensed psychologist Dr. Cynthia Edwards-Hawver. “In fact, some of the loneliest women are the ones who have mastered the art of holding everything together for everyone else. Especially for moms. Especially in midlife. Especially if you're the ‘strong one.’”

Yep, the moms are extra lonely.

Sound like anybody you know? Hawver says it’s not just her hunch that moms are at higher risk of feeling lonely — there’s research to prove it. “Research over the years has shown that moms experience significantly higher levels of loneliness than the general population. Combine that with burnout, lack of emotional reciprocity, and the cultural pressure to be perfect at mothering, and it’s no wonder so many moms feel unseen and exhausted, even when they’re not alone. Add in perimenopause, chronic stress, and the societal gaslighting of women’s emotional needs, and you’ve got a cocktail for deep, persistent loneliness in midlife moms.”

“Mothers are uniquely vulnerable to this kind of loneliness. Studies show that many mothers report high levels of loneliness and emotional fatigue, even while maintaining busy social lives,” says Dr. Chelsea Sarai, a licensed clinical psychologist and founder of the Brentwood Therapy Collective in Los Angeles.

Does being lonely around others mean you’re depressed?

No, not necessarily. Feeling lonely is a sign that you’re not feeling “emotionally attuned, understood, and seen,” Sarai says. But loneliness can be a symptom of depression. If you’re also feeling hopeless, numb, or disinterested in the things you used to enjoy, or you’re having difficulty with sleep, a change in appetite, or you’re isolating more than usual, it’s time to talk to a professional, Hawver says.

While feeling lonely doesn’t automatically mean you have depression, chronic loneliness can increase your risk of developing depression over time.

“Much of my work has shown that loneliness contributes to the development and maintenance of depression and anxiety. And it can actually contribute to the development of suicidal ideation as well,” says Dr. Katherine Schafer, PhD, a licensed clinical psychologist, professor of psychiatry at Vanderbilt University Medical Center, and loneliness researcher. “Loneliness can spur the onset of mental health conditions and can actually make current, ongoing mental health symptoms worse.”

Big life transitions can exacerbate feelings of loneliness, Schafer adds — think becoming a mom, leaving the workforce, or moving. It’s good to be mindful that you may naturally feel more lonely during these periods. “When we have big life transitions, sometimes we can be faced with big existential questions about life and our purpose, and this is when loneliness can really come into play and harm our mental health,” says Schafer.

How To Combat Loneliness

Obviously no one wants to feel lonely, but what are you supposed to do? Here’s what Hawver recommends:

In the moment:

• Acknowledge to yourself that you feel lonely. “Say it out loud. ‘I feel lonely.’ The brain calms down when we name our emotions.
• Text a friend you trust. You don’t have to have all the right words or even say much at all — something like “Hey, I’m feeling off today. Can I just say that out loud?” will help you feel seen.
• Move your body. Get outside, go for a walk, and breathe. “It gives you time to really process what may be going on as exercise switches up our nervous system and can increase neurological functioning.”

Long-term:

• Audit your relationships. It’s possible you’ve outgrown the friendships you have, or maybe you connected with your kids’ friends’ moms, but your lives don’t intersect much anymore. It’s time to recalibrate, decide what support you need, and set boundaries accordingly, Hawver says.
• Find people you can share the real you with. “If your friends only know the highlight reel, they can’t connect with your heart. Connection starts with authenticity, and other healthy moms are craving this.” This could also mean getting a therapist and letting out the real emotional experiences you’re grappling with.

Fortunately, Schafer says you don’t necessarily have to see a therapist to help reduce your feelings of loneliness. For moms, she says the most important thing is to find people in your corner. You don’t even have to make new besties for it to work.

“I want you to do two specific things here. I want you to find a way to contribute to someone else's life and let others contribute to yours. Start super small. Did you see a fellow parent drop a toddler's shoe? Grab the shoe if you can and hand it to the parent. Boom. You have positively impacted someone.”

Then, let people do the same for you, she says. Letting someone hold the door for you when they see you struggling to get the stroller through it? As Schafer says, that means “they saw you and in a small, almost sacred way, cared for you.” Even this back-and-forth of small support between strangers can contribute to your overall feeling of being connected.