How Late Is Too Late To Cancel Plans? What An Etiquette Expert Says You Should Consider

You had the best of intentions when you promised your BFF two weeks ago that you'd be there for her birthday. But now it's the day of, and, frankly, you're already spent. You can't imagine wearing a pair of heels, let alone staying up past nine. You don't love being that friend, but isn't canceling OK now? After all, Nicole Richie was recently quoted about how she cancels “all the time” and is “happy with people canceling” on her.

And sure, canceling happens to (and by) the best of us.

"Life can get really overwhelming nowadays while managing a household and navigating the demands of parenting, particularly for moms," Olivia Pollock of Evite tells Scary Mommy. "Sometimes we just don't have the energy to do it all even though we had all the intentions in the world when making those plans. I always want to ensure that myself and my kids are showing up as the best versions of ourselves. Whether someone's exhausted or having an off day, it's not always ideal to just go through the motions. It's how we choose to make use of our limited time and energy, and that sometimes requires canceling plans to take care of ourselves."

But how late is too late to cancel plans? Pollock provides her insights below so you can cancel with some grace and respect — and at least with a little bit of notice.

When does canceling shift from fine to kind of sh*tty?

Life is busy and hard, so yes, sometimes we definitely need to cancel our best-laid plans due to self-care, which Pollock agrees is perfectly OK.

"Canceling plans isn't always ideal, but it is important to remember that life happens, and prioritizing yourself is not selfish," she says. "At the end of the day, we are human. So, if you are experiencing burnout from a long week at work, stress about the millions of after-school activities your children are participating in, or need a moment to reset your mental health, the host will most likely understand."

However, if you're canceling your commitment for other plans or just don't feel like going, then canceling can "certainly come off as selfish," Pollock notes — which is why she advises evaluating the commitment before actually saying yes.

"Hosts place a lot of time, money, and effort into making plans, and most importantly, they want your company," she explains. "In many cases, you can tentatively accept, which at least provides visibility to the host that you just might not make it."

If it's a major obligation like a wedding or milestone birthday, Pollock says you might want to "push through it" even if you're feeling tired and/or blah (although, honestly, you should do what ~you~ want to do at the end of the day). At the very least, you should cancel with more notice than a last-minute, "Sorry, can't come" text.

So, you’re canceling. Is there anything you should do other than alert the host?

Canceling plans at the last minute is never ideal, but like anything, there are always exceptions, says Pollock — for example, an emergency.

However, she points out that guests should take into account that though it's easy for them not to show up, the host likely went through hurdles planning this (dinner reservations, travel, childcare) in an effort to spend time with you. "It also becomes a more delicate situation when there's an RSVP or ticket involved," she says. "It's always appreciated if you offer to reimburse for the cost or send a small token in lieu of your presence."

Another thing to keep in mind, says Pollock, is when you cancel at the last minute, hosts are more likely to stop making the effort to invite you, especially if you make it a habit.

"You run the risk of making yourself look flaky," she explains. "Other repercussions that maybe people don't consider are that restaurants may require a fee if a reservation is canceled last minute or your babysitter may be less likely to be available if you become unreliable."

When is too late?

OK, but you really need to cancel... so, how late is too late to send that dreaded "Sorry! I can't come" text? As a general rule of thumb, Pollock says you should RSVP "no" as soon as you know that your plans need to change unless it's an emergency, safety-related (bad weather), or sudden illness.

"Canceling within hours of an event or scheduled plans can be seen as too late," she says. "As I mentioned, the other person may have made a number of accommodations to ensure that they could dedicate time, money, and energy to see or host you."

While people are generally understanding, it's important for you to take into consideration your host's feelings since canceling on someone is still an inconvenience.

"If you absolutely must do it, be sincere and honest by calling that person directly if you can, and avoid giving a bunch of excuses," Pollock advises. "This allows you to be upfront and shows that you still value the other person's time."

How can you minimize the chances of being a repeat canceller?

We can all agree that no one wants to be that friend who always cancels. So, how can you avoid canceling in the first place? Pollock recommends that when you receive an invitation, be thorough when you check your calendar to triple-check that you're free and avoid double-booking. "Check your work calendar, your personal calendar, and any notes (both digital or written) you may have," she says.

Pollock also suggests figuring out what your and your family's limits are when it comes to the amount of activities you can endure in one day.

"For example, I know that on the weekends, I limit our family outings to one activity in the morning and one in the late afternoon — anything outside of that, I know will be overwhelming and exhausting." She also considers the travel time to and from places, which might result in reducing two activities into one.

Perhaps the most critical factor in avoiding canceling plans at the last minute is being honest with yourself about how much you actually want to attend the event in question.

"You should make sure that you genuinely want to attend the event," Pollock says. "The best way to avoid last-minute cancellations is to actually want to be there!"