I Love Being An Only Child. Then I Think About My Parents Getting Older.

I am an only child. Even though I’m a 43-year-old middle-aged woman with bills to pay, I will always be referred to as an only child. And that’s fine by me, even if wearing the “only child” label hasn’t always been easy.

Unlike being an “eldest daughter,” which comes with plenty of relatable memes and a lot of sympathy and head nodding, there hasn’t been quite as much understanding for us only children. “Spoiled,” “privileged,” and “selfish” are often the labels we get.

Then there’s the other side of the “I would never have an only child” narrative: the belief that we’re lonely and alone. I’ve met plenty of fellow only children throughout my life, and I’d argue we are some of the least lonely people out there. We’re independent, self-reliant, and self-sufficient — almost to a fault and sometimes to our own detriment.

I’ve always loved being an only child. I’ve never wanted a sibling, and I’ve relished the close relationship I’ve formed with my parents. They really are my best friends.

This is the part that gets hard and sticky as we age: When you’re an only child and you watch your parents age, you do realize that, when it comes to them, you’re on your own. And with aging parents, as so many of us in the sandwich generation understand, it’s a tough road to navigate at times. As only children, it’s often a road we have to navigate alone.

“Only children often need to carry the emotional weight of transitioning to the caregiver and decision-maker role for their parents alone. They often need to serve as a source of support and make health or other decisions on their behalf,” says Marisa T. Cohen, PhD, LMFT, CST, a licensed marriage and family therapist and also an only child. “Without siblings who most likely have a shared narrative of the family history, taking on this caregiver role can feel incredibly isolating and may even lead to anticipatory grief.”

Additionally, says Cohen, the transition from the parent-child relationship to taking on caregiving responsibilities carries a lot of emotional weight.

“Being the only decision-maker can feel incredibly overwhelming,” explains Cohen. “Many only children worry about making the right choice because they don't have a sibling to talk through difficult medical, financial, or caregiving decisions with. Carrying that responsibility alone can lead to stress, self-doubt, and potentially burnout if they don’t have their own sources of support.”

I definitely feel that weight sometimes. Fortunately, aside from a few health hiccups over the past few years, my parents are healthy and self-sufficient. They’ve even built a gym in their house (replacing my bedroom, naturally) and are dedicated to eating well, exercising regularly, and enjoying their life.

It’s easy for me to think they will always be like this. By “like this,” I mean “around.” Able to do things for themselves. But I know this won’t always be the case.

I’m also on the other side of Canada — they’re on Prince Edward Island, while I’m in Vancouver — and that distance makes things particularly tricky. For now, they’ve been able to rely on friends and neighbors to help them, but I do think about the distance and how, one day, I may have to move my life when the inevitable happens.

Because it’s not like I have a sibling who lives closer and could check in on them if I can’t. There’s no one else to share that responsibility with. Everything is on my shoulders.

In my case, thankfully, my parents have always been pretty good about having the tough conversations. I already know their wishes, and they’ve been open about their healthcare and what they want as they get older. I also have a group of close friends from high school who have been part of this process and who I know I can lean on when the time comes.

Still, knowing what your parents want is one thing; actually navigating their aging is another. Cohen says having these conversations early can make that transition easier: “It’s helpful to have the important conversations (such as healthcare wishes, finances, end-of-life care, etc.) early. While these conversations are often uncomfortable to have, it’s best to have them when everyone can fully participate in them.”

She also recommends identifying sources of support, including professionals and social connections, so that you aren’t left to carry the burden alone.

Admittedly, I sometimes feel guilty that I haven’t been as available to help them as I would if I lived locally. But I also feel sometimes (and maybe selfishly, how on point) that I want to be able to live my life and not be solely responsible for my parents and have this enormous responsibility just because I am an only child. For any person who’s looked after a parent, only child or not, it’s easy to fall into the trap of obligation with our parents. As much as we love them, it can feel overwhelming to feel like everything is on us.

And that’s where boundaries come in. “Boundaries are important to protect your peace and preserve the relationship with your parents,” says Cohen. She says it’s important to be honest with yourself about what you realistically have the capacity for... not just in terms of your time and ability to manage logistics, but also your emotional bandwidth.

It’s also important to be clear about those boundaries and manage expectations. As Cohen explains, that might mean saying, “I am only available on Tuesdays and Wednesdays to take you to appointments.”

Of course, guilt may still come up. “Sometimes guilt is inevitable, but that doesn’t mean that you are doing something wrong,” Cohen says. She adds that it can be helpful to work through those complicated emotions with the support of a mental health clinician.

Naturally, there will be many emotions, sometimes complicated ones, when our parents age. When you’re an only child and feel the weight of the relationship you have with your parents, as well as the responsibility you feel to take care of them, it’s a lot to think you’re going through it all alone. Yes, you might have a spouse or close family members, but it’s not the same thing. These two people are your parents. No one else’s. Who else will take care of them if not you?

I don’t think about it that much (out of sight, out of mind, I guess), but there are moments — especially when my parents tell me they’re going to the doctor for the tenth time in two months — when I feel like time is running out. How much longer do I have with them? And how much longer do I have before I have to start doing everything for them?

Cohen says those feelings are completely understandable. Start by acknowledging what you're feeling and remember that you don’t have to go through this alone. Caring for a parent as an only child may result in grief, anxiety, guilt, and feelings of uncertainty. Build a supportive caregiving team that includes professionals, such as therapists, home health aides, as well as trusted family members and friends who can help with tasks.”

And, she says, it’s vital not to forget about yourself in all of this. “Chronic stress can take a real toll on your physical and mental health, so protecting your own well-being is part of caring for your parents, too,” she says.

There’s also a misconception that being an only child somehow makes dealing with aging parents easier. Maybe there are fewer people to consult when a decision needs to be made, but that doesn’t necessarily make the decisions easier.

“People assume that since decisions don’t need to be run by other people (such as siblings), they are easier to make; however, the emotional toll can be much harder as there isn’t anyone to process these decisions with,” Cohen says.

That’s really the thing about being an only child: There’s no one else who shares quite the same history with your parents. You probably know your parents better than anyone, but when the hard decisions come, you’re also the only one sitting at the table. And that shit is hard.

Which is why Cohen says it’s crucial to lean on other family members or friends/chosen family. “You can also enlist professionals to join the caregiving team, which may include financial advisors, therapists, home health aides, etc.,” she says. “It is important to remember that you don’t have to approach this challenging time alone.”

I think that’s the crux of being an only child. We do think we can do things alone (and we definitely can; our life has proven this), but that doesn’t mean we have to do something as difficult as caring for our aging parents by ourselves.

While no one will understand or know the relationship I’ve had with my parents, or carry the same grief as me, that is something I will have to walk through on my own. But there are other things — the tiny things, the bureaucratic things, the supportive things — that friends and chosen family can help with.

Ultimately, though, I wouldn’t want a sibling just to have this time be “easier” on me. I don’t think dealing with aging parents is ever easy, with or without siblings.

As with anything difficult in life, I find it helpful to find the gratitude in what is, and I am grateful to be an only child and to have the relationship I have with my parents. That’s something I wouldn’t change, and that relationship will remain even when they’re gone.