Forget Date Night — “Relationship Hygiene” Might Be The Real Secret To A Happy Marriage

One of the most memorable fights I had with my husband was over a faulty washer and dryer that he didn't take the time to fix. I threw a huge tantrum because I couldn’t do laundry, but anyone in a long-term relationship knows the truth: It’s never about the damn appliance.

My husband works extremely long hours; he leaves at daybreak and comes home pretty late. So, when it came to fixing things around the house, I would be patient. But on that particular day, I was dealing with a mental overload of anything that had ever gone wrong in our relationship. It felt like I was pulling a cart full of unmet expectations.

I thought about all the things I had done without help or with no appreciation. I kept score of the doctor appointments, lonely evenings, sick days at school, and spoiler, the rap sheet wasn’t looking good. I was resentful, and when the washer jammed for the hundredth time, I exploded. We were fighting about everything.

After ten years of being together, I realized the arguments I was having with him ran deeper. We could be arguing about the toilet seat or the way I procrastinated things, but those were decoy battles. The real issue was the resentment that had festered, and I had held it in for years.

“Resentment Hygiene,” Defined

Therapists call the act of continuously dealing with feelings of disappointment, anger, and bitterness that occur in long-term relationships “resentment hygiene.” It’s a fancy word for addressing annoyances before they pile up.

Let’s face it, even the most successful relationships take a lot of commitment and dedication. The work of keeping each other happy is ongoing. But it’s even more important to deal with deep-rooted issues when arguments arise.

In my case, I waited for 10 years to sit down with a shrink and deal with my built-up resentment. I held on to broken promises, unmet needs, and feelings of unappreciation. It was little things like not being thanked for filling up the vitamin bottles, or making dinner every night

Although these were things I enjoyed doing for my family, I still craved appreciation. Realizing I was taking the frustration out on my partner, we sought a professional who could better our communication.

I compare “resentment hygiene” to dental plaque: If you don’t take good care of your teeth, a slow buildup will happen, and you’ll start battling cavities. In relationships, the little things we deal with, or “swallow,” calcify over time.

Resentment is sneakier than you think. It starts with subtle eye rolls, sarcasm, or heavy sighs when your partner doesn’t show up the way you desire. Sometimes it’s in silent withdrawals, where you stop sharing how exciting your day was and the personal challenges you’re dealing with, because why bother?

Once, after the washer and dryer incident, I blew up again because I was the only one replacing toilet paper; he didn’t once. It all spiraled into me thinking that my husband didn’t see me or value me, which was far from the truth. We eventually got tired of the constant arguing and decided to employ long-term solutions.

How to Practice “Resentment Hygiene”

Taking small, actionable steps helps in dealing with resentment. For instance, my husband and I have daily 10-minute conversations where we discuss the things that bugged us during the day. After the kids go to bed, we sit down and check in, expressing ourselves honestly. It sounds a bit formal, but these short conversations have saved us a lot of fights.

Once a month, we create a “petty list” to discuss our most annoying habits without judgment. Nothing is off limits. Recently, I made it known that my husband puts back empty milk and juice boxes in the refrigerator without replacing them. His? I leave my makeup lying all around the bathroom. Saying these things out loud takes the sting out and helps us to become better as individuals and for each other.

Most importantly, we say thank you, even for the smallest acts of kindness. I thank him for taking out the trash, and he does the same when I make a meal. Taking time to thank your partner for everything they do goes a long way in making them feel appreciated and validated.

Finally, we pick our battles and agree on what matters. My husband will probably take longer to fix things around the house because he works a lot. A quick fix could mean having to wait till the weekend. While I’m the kind of person who likes getting things done quickly, I’ve learned to give him room and accept things as they are. Some battles are not worth fighting.

We’ve Learned to Micro-Clean Everyday

These days, when an argument brews, I pause and think about what we are really arguing about. I don’t get loud and frustrated, but I try to be gentle and get my points across lovingly. More often, our arguments end before they begin.

Remember, dealing with resentment is intentional and requires compassion and vulnerability. You’ll have good and bad days, but when you get to the root of the issues, you’ll create a more fulfilling bond with your partner.