My Spicy Book Club Was Exactly What My Marriage Needed

It's no secret that spicy novels have taken over the literary world. As an avid reader, I'm no stranger to Ali Hazelwood, Sarah J. Maas, or Megan Quinn. Even mainstream authors like Emily Henry have started to get in on the trend. But these spicy reads aren’t just an easy way to wind down after a long day of being a mom, working, and doing all the things. They also have other, real-world benefits — like improving your sex life.

Case in point: I recently joined a spicy book club, and it was one of the best things to happen to my marriage.

When my kids were younger, I used to just kind of forget about sex. It sounds terrible to say, but with the mental and physical demands of motherhood, it was usually the last thing on my mind. Reading spicy novels and discussing them with my book club not only brought sex to the forefront of my mind, but it also allowed me to check in with my peers about what’s working in their marriage sex-wise, and what’s not.

We talk about everything from frequency to positions to the infamous sex droughts. This helped me figure out the magic number for my marriage, plus how to broach the subject with my partner. (Shocker: When I suggested we up our weekly sex date, he was all ears.)

You know, sex after 40 can be weird. You have the mental load of worrying about kids, careers, and finances, plus other household to-dos like laundry, toilet paper refills, and the like. Then there’s the physical aspect of a changing body and weird hormonal shifts. (Hello, perimenopause.)

My spicy book club changed all that. Talking to women of all different ages about their sex lives, what works for them, what doesn't, and how they keep that part of their relationship going amidst major hormonal and life changes was so eye-opening, even if it was sparked by a fictional character with flawless abs.

If the heroines in my spicy novels could tell their hot male leads what they like and don’t like, certainly I could say the same to my husband of more than a decade. My spicy reads — and book club — helped me find the courage to do just that.

Opening up the lines of communication leading up to and during sex ups the ante on so much, from sexual pleasure to comfort level in trying new things to actually telling your partner, No, I don’t actually like when you do that thing, or, It’s really hot when you put your hand along my jawline when you kiss me. Or maybe, Turn your hat backwards and kiss me against the doorway. Things like that.

Another thing? One study reports that 90% of participants found it hot when their partner used the right kind of dirty talk, but for many, that’s a nerve-wracking concept. Just try borrowing some one-liners from your favorite spicy novels. Easy-peasy.

In a recent episode of Mel Robbins’ podcast, couples therapist Vanessa Marin explained the difference between sexual initiators and receivers. In short, one partner typically acts more on spontaneous sexual desire, while the other has more of a responsive sexual desire.

As a classic receiver, I don't always initiate when it comes to sex. But I’ve found that a few chapters into a Bailey Hannah or Elsie Silver book, I may feel differently. (Read the hot tub scene in Silver’s Heartless and get back to me.) I’ve also learned that there’s no “right” way to be, which helped alleviate the guilt a bit, too.

As for that spicy book club? It recently took a hiatus, but I’m on the hunt for another one.

Rachel Morgan Cautero is a freelance writer and editor whose work has appeared in The Atlantic, Business Insider, What to Expert, and more. A two-time Experian #CreditChat panelist, she has also appeared on Cheddar Life, the New Mommy Media podcast, and NPR’s ‘On Point’ with Meghna Chakrabarti.