What Is A "Soul Dog"?

Two weeks before my husband left for Afghanistan in 2013, my childhood dog, Maddie, died. He promised that as soon as he got home, we would get a dog of our own, so I spent the months he was gone dreaming of what that puppy might be like.

Judy came to us serendipitously through a Craigslist ad (yes, I realize I am dating myself). The last puppy in a litter of Labradors, she had been returned to the breeder by her original owner for being “too rambunctious.” I saw her ad on a Thursday, and by Saturday, my husband and I were flying from our home in Honolulu to the Kahului airport in Maui to meet her.

I knew as soon as I saw the timid puppy’s sweet face that she would be ours.

For 10 years, Judy was by my side through deployments and long separations, countless moves — including from Hawaii to the mainland — and a long battle with infertility. She was a constant companion to me during the happiest and saddest of times, never leaving my side and always understanding what I needed before I even knew it myself.

“She is my heart outside my body,” I sobbed to the veterinarian as Judy passed in my arms last fall following a brief battle with an aggressive form of cancer while Chris Stapleton’s “Joy Of My Life” played through my iPhone’s speaker.

Judy is what society (and social media) would call my soul dog, or a dog with which you share a profound emotional connection.

“These are dogs that you immediately connect and bond with on a level that you have never connected with another dog, or usually person, with before,” psychotherapist Jessica Kwerel, LPC, LCPC, tells Scary Mommy. “It’s a feeling of deep mutual understanding for each other, and a deep fulfillment of psychological and emotional needs. It’s a symbiotic relationship where you understand each other very deeply, [and] often these are dogs that have had a life-changing impact on you.”

Kwerel says that soul dogs often show up in our lives when we need them the most, whether you’re going through a major life upheaval, heartbreak, or transition.

“These are dogs that provide so much love, safety, comfort, and a sense of feeling tethered and anchored, amidst the chaos around you,” she explains. “Soul dogs are our lighthouses. They continue to show us the way, for the rest of our lives.”

Judy changed my life for the better and helped me navigate some seriously tumultuous roads in my 20s and early 30s. By definition, she was my soul dog – also known as heart dog – and the connection I felt (and still feel) to her penetrated the deepest parts of my heart and soul. By the time she left me earthside, I never questioned her role, but I do wonder: Will I ever find that love again? Can you have more than one soul dog?

Here’s what to know about soul dogs, including how to know if you have yours — and what to do when they eventually have to leave you.

How do you know if you have your soul dog?

Kwerel suggests four ways to determine if the dog you have now is your soul dog:

• If you feel like “I’ve never experienced this kind of love and connection before.”
• A deep, intuitive connection and understanding of each other that feels so natural, “my dog gets me and I get them in a way I’ve never experienced before.”
• Often, there’s the feeling that they’re “not a dog.” “My own soul dog Buford was like this,” Kwerel explains. “He was so incredibly regal, gentle, and soulful. He didn’t feel like a dog; he felt like an old soul living in the body of a dog.”
• They can sense and respond to your emotions — coming to your side when you’re crying or being so incredibly happy when you come home — that they may not demonstrate for anyone else in your home.

Can you have multiple soul dogs?

Kwerel says yes, because as you go through different stages of your life, you continue to grow into other versions of yourself.

“For example, connecting with your first dog at 23 that was your soul dog when you were perhaps single and just starting out in the world can look and feel very different than connecting with your soul dog at 45 with kids when you are a very different person with much different needs,” she says.

I love my dog, but I don’t think they’re my soul dog. Should I feel guilty?

Absolutely not. “You can feel deeply bonded with your dog and love them immensely, and feel so loved by them, and that’s what it’s all about,” Kwerel says.

Losing a soul dog can often feel like losing a part of yourself. How do you cope?

Kwerel tells Scary Mommy that when she lost her own soul dog, it inspired her to start her practice providing pet loss support, because she realized it was such an underserved space. “Losing a soul dog is completely devastating,” she says.

Here are three ways to cope that are actually helpful and healthy:

1. Find support with someone who really gets it.

That might look like meeting with a therapist specializing in pet loss or with pet loss support groups. “You are not alone in this experience, and finding support will help you feel validated, supported, and buoyed in your grief,” Kwerel says.

2. Allow yourself to feel and express your feelings — all of them — without judgment.

“As I tell my clients, if it’s life-changing love, then it’s life-changing loss,” Kwerel says. “This is not ‘just a dog.’ It’s one of the most significant and profound relationships you will ever have in your life, so allow yourself to grieve. There is no timeline for grief.”

Kwerel also emphasizes that there’s no “getting over it.”

“We learn over time to not ‘move on’ but move forward with your soul dog. Grieving is loving, and we will grieve and love our beloved soul dogs for the rest of our lives,” she says.

3. Find ways to honor and integrate your soul dog into your life.

“Our bond and relationship with our soul dog never dies. It’s about finding ways to stay connected to them, to honor them, and keep them present in our lives,” Kwerel says, adding that she had a ring made with some of the fur from her soul dog. “It helps me feel connected to him and when people ask about the ring, I get to talk about him and keep him present in my life. It’s very healing and powerful to still be able to say their name and talk about them, no matter how much time has passed since you said goodbye.”