It’s time. You need to wipe the crusty breastmilk off of your shirt and wash your greasy hair. Yes, it’s time for you to leave the house. WITH YOUR BABY.
Why? Why? Why would I do THAT? you say.
Because it’s time to get your ass back in the game. The dating game. You are in serious need of some adult conversation because your vocabulary is actually decomposing alongside the remains of your child’s breakfast in the diaper genie. And you are in danger of losing the last remnants of your self alongside those itty bitty socks that go into the dryer and never come out.
Where do I go? What do I wear? How will I know if we are compatible? you ask.
All good questions.
Here you go, my leaky-boobed friends, my tips for finding a Mom Date:
1. Find your local watering hole. Also known as Library Story Hour. I never knew how much I would treasure listening to “Time To Potty!” and singing “Where Is Thumbkin?” for those 45 minutes every Wednesday morning. The babies could have given a shit about any of it, and honestly the moms often forgot about the poor librarian, but it was like a lifeline for me in those early days.
2. Shower. You don’t have to go crazy. Wash your armpits and put a hat on. You don’t want to get too spruced up or the other moms might not take you seriously. Don’t worry, your baby will make sure you stick to a tight schedule.
3. Smile at the other grown-ups. But not a freaky, desperate smile. Maybe practice in the mirror at home so you don’t scare anyone.
4. Sit by someone who seems the least crazy. Pick your battles on this one. There will always be the put-together mom with all the latest gadgets looking as if she used a curling iron (over-achiever) and then there will also be the mom who did not heed rule number one. I say, pick someone in the middle. And if they are smiling at you a little creepily, maybe they just didn’t practice in the mirror enough.
5. Say something nice about their progeny. Even if it’s the craziest looking child you have ever seen. I always secretly thought all of the other babies looked kinda weird and that mine were beautiful rays of light. Now, when I look at my son’s baby pictures all I can see is a wrinkly Groucho Marx. Yes, my beautiful ray of light had no hair and caterpillar eyebrows.
6. Notice something about them. Anything. Even something simple: “It looks like you got to shower today! Way to go!” High fives may or may not be appropriate. Or you could tell her that you like her hat.
7. Inquire. Ask them about themselves and their weird-looking babies. It’s polite. You may feel like you have forgotten the human language for a few moments, but don’t worry, it will all come back to you once you start talking about birth stories. Moms love birth stories. The more insane and blood-filled, the better. You will find yourself frothing at the mouth to tell perfect strangers about how many stitches YOU needed in order to quilt up your lady bits.
8. Exchange numbers. This is a crucial step. You might forget this after a heated discussion over nipple creams and Moby wrap configurations, but one morning a week with friends does not a sane mom make. You will need these strangers to become your friends as quickly as possible to talk you down from eating your young.
9. Follow up. These ladies may be in your life throughout gradeschool if you play your cards right. Starting now, be a good friend. Shove all your crap in a closet and have them over for coffee and baby WWF. We all like coffee.
So, go find yourself a hat and get out there girl! Go find yourself a mom friend!
Related post: 11 Signs That You’ve Found Your MBFF
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