Recently, I was driving down a crowded New York City street near a large college campus. It was late, and I was in a mad dash to get home because I’m old now and I had kids to get on the bus in the wee hours of the next morning. As I inched down the street, my eyes fell upon young college kids crowding the cafes and bars. I noticed the lithe frames of the girls in tiny tank tops and perfectly straightened hair, and I observed as guys with starched shirts and ironic shorts stood around sipping craft beers.
Sitting at a stoplight, I watched as the girls flipped their hair and the guys flashed admiring looks. I noted the sounds of the music, the way the booze flowed, and could practically smell the scent of sex in the air. I realized that I was watching the classic “meat market scene” that I loathed so much in college. Turns out, overpriced drinks, guys with bad pickup lines, and stiletto heels are timeless.
And I realized that I didn’t miss that scene one bit now that I’m married. Because here’s the thing: Every one of those bar-hopping young people should be jealous of me and my married sex life.
Married sex is the best-kept secret around, and I’ve got news for you: It is far from frumpy and boring. Here’s why:
1. Married people don’t have to go to Victoria’s Secret ever again.
My husband does not care one bit what I’m wearing when I give him the bedroom eyes. And when you are busy parents with less than 20 minutes to get your sexy on, the last thing either of us wants to be doing is fussing around with straps and lace garments that require more directions than an IKEA bookshelf. Sure, once in a while, I’ll spice it up and wear my “nice” pajama bottoms to bed, but when you are married, you don’t have to drop a wad on expensive lingerie that is just going to wind up on the floor.
2. Married people don’t need a road map.
By the time you’ve been married for “two kids, a mortgage, and a half-dead heating system” long, you know a thing or two about each other. You are able to judge each other’s moods, read each other’s thoughts, and interpret body language effortlessly. And when you add “in bed” to the end of that last sentence, it’s safe to say that married people know how to get right down to business, and it gets better every time.
3. The connection is deeper in a committed relationship.
While casual sex has its own merits, having sex with a long-term partner comes with its own benefits. There’s something to be said about the connection that comes from having cleaned up vomit together at 2 a.m. And when your partner still nuzzles your neck after you’ve lost your cool with the toddler, it’s comforting to know that there’s someone who’s willing to bump uglies with you even after your parenting worst.
4. One word: Quickies.
Let’s face it: Being married with kids means there’s simply not enough time in the day for long drawn-out lovemaking. But quickies during nap time or after the kids are asleep keep things hot and spicy. Because an amorous mood can be totally ruined in a nanosecond by a toddler yelling for help from the bathroom, it’s important to get the job done fast. Married people know how to make a quickie count. And it’s pretty hot.
5. Being married takes the guesswork out of sex.
When you’re married, all you have to do is raise your eyebrow, and it’s a sure thing that you’ll be doing the horizontal hula as soon as the kids stop asking for water and extra stories at bedtime.
6. Married people don’t care about stained yoga pants and unshaven legs.
Just like throwing the sexy lingerie out the window, married people look beyond the disheveled outer shell that parenthood often leaves us with. Greasy hair, stained stretch pants, dark circles under our eyes. My husband looks beyond “hasn’t seen a razor in a while” armpits, and I still see the man who used to have a full head of hair when we are intimate. Being married means no judgment for missed showers or three-day-old stubble. Married people are just grateful someone still wants to have sex with us, so we are willing to overlook minor imperfections. (But you must wash your pork sword before a BJ. No exceptions.)
7. Married people really do have sex — a lot.
It’s a misnomer that once a couple gets married, the sex all but stops. Far from it, in fact. Married people are just as sexually active as those young hipsters in those meat market bars I drove by in New York City. We’re just smart enough to get it on from the comfort of our couches. And often, we can be done in time to watch an episode of House Hunters before bed (okay, some married stereotypes are true).
While I admit there are some phases of life where we are far more — ahem — active than others, that just seems par for the course. It ebbs and flows, and I wouldn’t trade my married sex life for anything. While kids and busy careers make it difficult sometimes to connect under the sheets, it’s only a matter of time until our kids graduate and move out. And we’ll feel like horny college kids again.