From The Confessional: F*ck Your Midlife Crisis, Dude

by Cassandra Stone
Originally Published: 

Raise your hand if you have zero time for a man’s midlife crisis

Midlife, if you’re lucky enough to reach it, doesn’t have to prove to be a crisis of existential dread or calamitous proportions. Unfortunately, many men don’t seem to get that memo, and instead hit a certain age and take out their inner worries on their outer family. And honestly, ain’t nobody got time for that.

Least of all these partners and wives, who have taken to our confessional to let it all out — the bad, the ugly, and the downright “HUH-UH” about the men in their lives who can’t come to terms with growing older.

Confessional #20748004

I always knew my H is a prince among men and that we are v lucky to be as in love as we are. BUT I didn’t think that as I approach 50, I’d see he’s one of only a couple of men in our circle who didn’t turn into a cheating a–hole in midlife.

And that’s not to say women don’t face midlife issues of our own. We do. We’re just typically better at processing our feelings than the men in our life.

Confessional #20563638

with DH for 25 yrs. mostly happy. Lately huge problems. MidLife crisis for both of us. Hoping we can get it together, don’t want it to end. I’m still madly in love with him

Some midlife crises can present themselves in the form of traumatic events — affairs, financial troubles, etc. And others, well, others seem like they’re right out of a sitcom because they’re so stereotypical!

Confessional #16544119

DH wants to get full sleeve tattoos on both arms. I told him I support whatever he wants to do but secretly I think tattoos are tacky and he must be going through some kind of midlife crisis.

Confessional #16326336

Idk if xh is having a midlife crisis, but he’s acting like a sulky middle schooler, aka another child for me to deal with. Grow tf up. Ugh

Confessional #16167748

Today I looked over at H objectively. 43yrs old, aging badly, hair thinning & greying, got a paunch. Despite this, I still thought he was sexy cuz I loved him. Now I can only see an UGLY frog- looking going through a midlife crisis cheating ass bastard.

Confessional #15055907

Took DS11 for a haircut, DH goes to same salon. Stylist proceeded to tell me how DH came in last week for a cut with hair dye (!) dripping down the nape of his neck. I had NO IDEA! Midlife Crisis anyone??

These midlife meltdowns are even exhausting for ex-partners and ex-wives to deal with — get it together, men. Like, yesterday.

Confessional #15018598

Xh- I am the responsible parent and will make important decisions for ds whilst you’re in midlife crisis lala land. We’ll talk when you get your head outta your ass. Xw

Confessional #14915059

I’m a single mom and xh is living in a midlife crisis fantasy land. Me alone putting on a brave face for ds5 re: kindergarten is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Pass the Xanax!

Confessional #12321626

DH wants to quit his job and live off his 401K for a year because he’s having a midlife crisis.

Confessional #1712252

I married a great guy. He was loyal and romantic. 14 years later and 3 kids, he is addicted to porn and talking to his ex from childhood on FB. It’s a total midlife crisis, but I’m scared of what else I dont know about him

Confessional #1705620

My H is going through a midlife crisis and depression, it’s ruining our marriage. I feel like I’m drowning in it all. This is not the man I married

Confessional #1661673

I think my DH is going through a midlife crisis and headed for breakdown. Can’t tell anyone…DH won’t get help or let me tell anyone. Terrified!!

Confessional #1579771

My husband turns 50 next year – cue the midlife crisis. He wants to change careers and turn our lives upside down. Gosh, men are so predictable. Still have no idea how to deal with this, though.

Confessional #1520803

My DH sexts girls on hookup sites & is doing the whole midlife crisis thing. Wish I was as trashy as that- I need payback – I am so angry. Home with DD4 & DS1 – Mrs Goodwife. Biding my time & building my nest egg…..

Basically, men need to get it together. If you’ve got feelings you need to work through and are having issues at the “midlife” point in your life, welcome to the club of Everyone Does. Instead of taking it out on the people who love you, process your sh*t like a grown-up and, if you can, go to therapy.

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