9 Moms Found at Every Elementary School

by Jessica Lane
Originally Published: 
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I have been a mom for almost 15 years now (yikes!). Needless to say, I have spent my fair share of time observing moms with their children at school. Over the years I’ve noticed no matter where I live, there are always certain kinds of moms to be found at school…

1. Wears Pajamas to School Mom. This mom is always in her pajamas. Always. Day after day, she brings her child to school in whatever she wore to bed the night before (or at least it looks like it.) Her sloppy flannel pants, big baggy t-shirt, and messy ponytail follow her everywhere.

2. Tiny Tank Top Big Fake Boobs Mom. She has fake mammaries so large men and women turn their heads as she passes. Her tiny tank tops come in a rainbow of colors with all manners of bedazzling and blingy decorations which are perfectly enhanced by her perpetual spray tan.

3. Hippie Granola Mom. She wears long flowing skirts, has extra long (or sometimes extra short) hair. Child is usually named Rain, Flower, or Harmony. Packs child’s lunch in organic tote bag. Said lunch consists of leftover vegan curry and water in reusable stainless steel bottle.

4. Constantly Volunteering Mom. This mom may actually live at the school. Every time you go (even for random trip to drop off child’s forgotten lunch), she is rushing somewhere on campus. You’ll find her changing the bulletin board, grading papers, or manning the PTA booth.

5. Perfectionist Mom. She shows up to pick up and drop off in sparkling clean car, with full makeup, perfectly coordinated outfit, and a fresh manicure while toting a designer bag. Child’s name is monogrammed on a Pottery Barn backpack and matching lunch box. Has children scheduled for daily enriching activities year-round (like viola lessons, intermediate Mandarin, and competitive tennis).

6. Fully Caffeinated Mom. Has never been seen without a full size coffee in her hand. Zips around from child to teacher to principal to school secretary to playground aide in a grinning, chemically enhanced frenzy.

7. Running Late Mom. She screeches into the parking lot, drags her child through the school gates frantically stuffing papers into his backpack three minutes after the bell rings…EVERY SINGLE DAY.

8. Gossip Queen Mom. She’s been at the school forever. Knows everything about everybody and is eager to share. From Head Janitor to PTA President, nobody is safe. If there’s dirt, she’ll find it.

9. Hot Yoga Mom. She comes to school in her tight yoga pants and workout tank carrying her reusable water bottle making all of the rest of us jealous of her: 1. Incredible body and 2. Dedication to fitness that makes us sweat just thinking about it.

I’m certainly not judging, simply making observations. Personally, I see a little bit of myself in each of them. I seek the comfort of the pajama and shorts moms. I strive to feed my kids healthy lunches. I volunteer as often as I can, the schools need it. And I wish I had the discipline (and money) to be perfectionist mom.

Different as we may be, we all have a common goal: wanting the best for our children.

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