Need a little pep in your step? A little crunch in your lunch? Nuts are the perfect addition to any meal or snack. Packed with protein, fiber, and healthy fats, nuts are a tasty and good-for-you treat. They walnut disappoint (see what we did there?). In celebration of these delicious eats, we’ve rounded up a whole bunch of — wholesome! — nut jokes to share with your kids the next time they turn their noses up at nuts on their dinner plate.
Before we take a crack at nut humor, though, did you know that there are 11 varieties and types of nuts? They include pistachios, hazelnuts, cashews, Marcona almonds, macadamia nuts, peanuts, almonds, Brazil nuts, pine nuts, and pecans. Each and every one has its own flavor profile and set of unique characteristics (health benefits, too!). So, whatever type you choose, your body will thank you.
Now, in our joke roundup, we use the term “nut” a bit loosely. You’ll see jokes featuring coconuts, acorns, and other types of nuts that aren’t really considered nuts at all. But they’re funny, so we thought we’d include them anyway. We hope this does nut leave you disappointed. Let’s get started.
Best Nut Jokes
- Who named their daughter Macadamia?
A couple of nuts.
- Which nut is worth the most?
- Which type of nut goes to outer space?
- What is a cowboy’s favorite tree?
A horse chestnut tree.
- Knock, knock.
Who’s there? Peanut. Peanut who? Peanut butter open the door!
- Why did the elephant cross the road?
To get to the peanut.
- What did one nut say to the other?
- What sound does a nut make when it sneezes?
- What’s a nut’s favorite scary movie?
The Creature from the Black Legume.
- How did the nut study for its test?
It used the inter-nut.
- Which nut is the worst for your diet?
- Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost?
The nearest Shell station.
- Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
- What do elephants drink on vacation?
- What competition do nuts participate in?
The peanut butter cup.
- Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
- Why didn’t the pecan go to the ballet?
It was afraid of the nutcracker.
- Why did the nut go to the bank?
To cashew its check.
- Where do squirrels go for fun?
- What do squirrels eat at the fair?
- What did one nut say to the other nut when it was chasing it?
“I’m gonna cashew!”
- How do you get a squirrel to be your friend?
Act like a nut.
- What kind of nuts come in cans?
- Why was there peanut butter in the middle of the road?
It went with the traffic jam.
- What eats nuts and bolts?
A squirrel that’s running late.
- Knock, knock.
Who’s there? Butter. Butter who? I butter nut tell you.
- What is a popular name for girl peanuts?
- Did you hear the one about the pecan, the walnut, and the cashew?
It was nut funny.
- Why was the peanut butter upset at his retirement party?
He was roasted.
- Knock, knock.
Who’s there? Cash. Cash who? No thanks, I prefer walnuts.
- Which nut has won the World Cup the most times?
A Brazil nut.
- Why did the squirrel ask for a pay raise?
He was paid peanuts.
- What do you call a nut with a hairy upper lip?
- Knock, knock.
Who’s there? Walnut. Walnut who? I walnut tell you. It’s a secret.
- What do you call a nut stuck to a wall?
- What do you call a nut who loves the game of chess?
- What’s a nut’s favorite Shakespeare line?
“To be or nut to be.”
- When is the peanut butter due to arrive?
In a Jif.
- What did the guest say when he arrived at the peanut butter’s dinner party?
- Why couldn’t the peanut finish the project?
Work came to a grinding halt.
- How do you sum up a cashew?
In a nutshell.
- What did the mama nut say to her son?
“If I ever cashew doing that, I walnut be happy.”
- What do you call an angry nut with a mustache?
- What happens to a nervous nut?
- What sandwich spread makes people itch?
- What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
- What happens if a cashew falls down your shirt?
It becomes a chestnut.
- What did the peanut say to the cashew after their argument?
Imma cashew outside!
- The cashew called the peanut boring.
The peanut felt very unsalted.
- What do you call super expensive shoes?
- How do you catch an elephant?
Act like a peanut.
- Who answers the door at the peanut mansion?
The peanut butler.
Best Nut Puns and One-Liners
- Cashew a question? Nut now!
- The nut is so solid it’s peanut brittle.
- If you put ice cream on the nutty brownie, you’re serving it ala-mond.
- Don’t panic! Stay c-almond collected.
- The peanut gained confidence and finally came out of its shell.
- I have a pun, but I will nut-tella you!
- I want an almond-flavored biscuit. Amaretti? You bet I am!
- A friend asked what an acorn is. I said, “In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.”
- I’d tell you a secret about peanut butter, but you might spread it.
- I had fresh coconut the last time I went to Hawaii. It’s a tough nut to crack.
- I love almond milk. It’s unlike any udder milk.
- Your secret is safe with me. I walnut tell a soul!
- Cashew see I’m nuts about you!?
- You must be rich! You’ve got all the cash-ews.
- I tried to come up with a funny pun about squirrels, but all my ideas were nuts.
- You pe-can do it!
- No pine, no gain!
- If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
- Do you like my a-corn-y jokes?
- Pistachio can’t, but pe-can.
- Float like a butternut, sting like a bee.
- A pecan is motivated because pe-can do anything.
- Don’t look! I saw you pecan through the window!
- For our anniversary, I gave my girlfriend a picture of me inside a pistachio. But that’s just me in a nutshell.
- I have no problem getting dates online. I’ve also had luck with almonds, cashews, and walnuts.
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