6 Foolish Parenting Ideas From Non-Parents

Are you currently pregnant? Maybe trying to conceive? Maybe you have no plans of bringing life into this world any time soon, but feel the need to give parenting advice at any given time because you have a “fur baby,” and to you, that’s basically the same as having a real human child.

Well, please read this and take detailed notes. These are some things that you shouldn’t say when referring to how you plan on raising your beautiful blessing when the time comes. And just know, I myself am guilty of saying most of these. I was a fool once too, so don’t be embarrassed (or in denial).

1. My child will never have formula.

Now, I can honestly tell you that neither of my kids had formula because I was blessed enough to be able to breastfeed both of my children. In fact, if a zombie apocalypse takes place, I will definitely be able to feed my kids as well as all the neighborhood children. I have enough milk for a village. However, you have not started breastfeeding yet. You do not know what life is going to throw at you. Remember, you don’t actually make your own life plans. You may be thrown a curve ball here and there, and breastfeeding may be one of them. Don’t rant on about how formula is chock-full of man-made poisons when conversing with other living humans. Your baby may need that tin can of poison in order to survive one day.

I’ll save you some coupons just in case.

2. My baby will sleep through the night at __ months.

Unless you were given a gift from God to be able to see the future, you should not let this sentence escape your inexperienced-with-babies lips. You know nothing.

You’ve read sleep training books? You’ve memorized statistics?

Great! I’ve read cookbooks, but I don’t walk around making claims about how I know the secret to perfectly roasting a goose. I’ve never roasted a goose, and you’ve never stayed up with a screaming baby all night, wondering if she is on the brink of death or just has to fart.

Please stop talking.

Little do you know, getting your babe to sleep through the night is only one kind of “sleep training.” Just wait until they can sit up and fall asleep with a blanket over their head.

That’ll freak you out.

Or when they are in a “big boy bed” and can remove himself from said bed and fall asleep behind furniture.

3. My child won’t watch television until the age of 2.

I’ve said this sentence way more than once. I said it up until the day I gave in to Mickey Mouse and his charming gang of talking, half-dressed animal friends when my son was 18 months old. I made it to 1½ years, but not 2 years. As a stay-at-home mom, I’m just surprised that I made it that long. I’m not a fan of using Mickey as an all-day babysitter, but I do love that inquisitive mouse for distraction purposes. Plus, it’s kind of fun watching your sweet toddler interacting with Mickey. You learn all sorts of things—like, did you know fat Pete is a cat? Pete looks like a diabetic bull dog. No, he’s a freakin’ cat. Google it. And why are Goofy and Pluto both dogs, but Goofy talks and Pluto doesn’t? Pluto acts like a dog. Goofy, on the other hand, acts like a drug addict with a speech impediment.

Weird.

4. My child will never have fast food.

I can honestly say that my child has never experienced any fast food cuisine with the word “Taco” in its name. He’s never had any kind of gross burger royalty such as Burger King or consumed anything besides apple slices from the house of golden arches that is McCrapnald’s. But, when he is asked what his favorite food is, his response is Chick-fil-A, so that kinda blows my cover on this topic. Your kid will eat fast food.

And they will most likely live to talk about how delicious it was.

Guess what? The fatty, fried foods won’t stay in their tummies forever. Eventually, they will crap it out, and you’ll get to wipe it out of their adorable buttcrack (or off their back, if it’s explosive).

5. My child will never act like that in public.

Will your toddler only be asleep while in public places? Will they be heavily sedated?

No? Then they will act a fool in public and embarrass the crap and sweat out of you at some point in their life. Just wait, it’s comin’. I don’t care how perfect little William acts in the privacy of your own home, piss him off in public and that’s when the party starts. My toddler is extremely obedient by nature, but last week, as I was checking out at Target, I took a macaroni box that he was shaking out of his grasp in order to pay for it, and let’s just say, he made sounds that could probably never be replicated (think bear meets one of those high-pitched goat screams).

I became dehydrated due to how much he made me sweat that dreadful morning.

Or, take away the ice cream after your sweet angel has had their first bite. They won’t give a poop about those “manners” you’ve taught them then.

6. We will not revolve around our baby’s schedule. It will revolve around ours.

So, how does this work exactly?

No scheduled nap times? Kid will just eat whenever? You get to go about living your life just as you did when you were childless, right?

You’re truly the funniest friend I have.

This is the dumbest one of all. When your babe turns 1 year old, let’s get together and sip grande sized white chocolate mochas and talk about how stupid you once sounded.

We can both giggle. It’s a date.

Enter second child. She has to go wherever, whenever. Even if she’s not happy about it.

Now, I hope this doesn’t offend you too much. I mean, I’m just trying to help you out.

I’ve been there. I’ve said these things. We are all guilty. If you have said many or all of these things to a friend with kids, consider sending her a thank-you card, for putting up with your I-have-no-kids nonsense.

Just keep focusing on your dog’s needs. Then when you have a baby, you can forward this on to your childless friends who imply that you are raising your children the wrong way.