8 Stages Of Being Hungover With Kids

1. Awareness

This is the moment when consciousness wins the battle over your poorly hydrated and under-rested body. It is before your eyelids unglue themselves from your eyeballs, and it is when you run a mental systems check of the damage. Headache? Check. Gag reflex? No? Oh boy, this is going to be a delayed hangover. Should have gotten that babysitter to stay overnight. The babysitter! Did I really do the Roger Rabbit for the neighbor’s kid? The headache just kicked into gear.

2. Hiding

Sooner or later, you’ll hear movement beyond the pale of your bedroom door. Little feet are scurrying around. There is whispering. Plot! Plot, you little angels! Find some crayons and color on my walls! Just don’t come in here. Oh sweet Lord in heaven, please don’t come in here yet.

3. Negotiation

If you think hard enough, you can come up with some sort of negotiation leverage with your spouse before the kids storm your room and demand to be parented. I can’t remember exactly, but I’m pretty sure I participated in a heavy make-out session with the Hubs last night (dear Lord, let it have been after the sitter went home!). In which case, sweet husband of mine still blissfully in REM sleep, you’re going to be on the front lines this morning.

4. Bravery

The sound of your youngest child crying and the smell of burning pancakes finally rouses you from your bed. Okay, alright, not so bad. A little woozy but not the worst I’ve ever dealt with. Then you get downstairs, have a Coke, then half a cup of coffee, and all of a sudden it’s the Morning Show with Mommy (who’s still wearing her makeup and in all likelihood still a little buzzed). And it’s not just Mommy, it’s funny Mommy! Silly Mommy! I can do this Mommy!

5. Second Death

With no warning, funny Mommy feels like she’s going to shatter into one thousand pieces right there in the kitchen, and the only thing that can save funny Mommy is her bed. But guess what? There’s a soccer game, baseball game, birthday party and meal for a new mom to drop off (and make). The only Advil in the house is for kids ages 0 to 12, and the one Alka-Seltzer found crammed in the back of the drawer is brown and not so fizzy.

6. Gratitude and Shame

Funny how these two sentiments are flip sides of the same coin for the hungover parent. Inevitably, thoughts of horror at your irresponsibility come creeping into your head. What if there had been a fire? (My husband can sleep through croup, but surely he’d wake up for that?!) Or, look how I’ve squandered a day of their youth! And then, gratitude for the patience of your wingman, who might not have gotten up with the baby once during his first year of life, but he’s Johnny-on-the-spot for Hungover Mommy.

7. Sleep So Close

Finally, sweet sleep. By the end of the day, Hungover Mommy is nothing but exhausted. A gallon of water, an Advil (thanks, Johnny-on-the-spot), and a shower later, is there anything more heavenly than a bed?

8. Resolution

This will never, ever, under no circumstances, happen again. Totally not worth (fade to black)….