Are You Parenting Out Of Embarrassment?

One of the things that has surprised me most about being a parent is how quickly my confidence can cave in public. And I don’t mean the confidence I have in my own beautiful, smart, kind children — but the confidence I have in myself and my own parenting choices. We all say things like, “I would never let anyone tell me how to parent,” until we find ourselves in the library during story time, really wanting to talk our kid down from her tantrum, but instead feeling the wandering eyes of other moms drilling into us until we just pack everything up and leave, sweaty and embarrassed.

Because parenting out of embarrassment? It’s a real thing.

And I don’t just mean being embarrassed about how your kid’s acting.

“Parenting in public can feel like being on stage with an audience that’s silently grading your performance,” says Charity Hagains, MA, LPC-S, a licensed therapist and co-founder of NOYAU Wellness Center in Fort Worth. “Even seasoned parents can feel that internal pressure, the quick rush of embarrassment when your child melts down in a store aisle or talks back in front of others. It’s a very human reaction; we want to be seen as calm, capable, and ‘in control.’ But when embarrassment becomes the driving force behind how we respond, we often end up parenting for the crowd instead of for our child.”

You know the feeling, right? Your kid is wailing about how much they wanted the blue cup instead of the green one, and you’ve already left that aisle. You know it’s something small and not worth crying about, but you also know they’re 2 and sometimes, the small things are the only things to them. You want to just go get the blue cup and swap it out, but now there’s a crowd of parents watching — maybe judging — and what will they think of you for giving in to your sobbing, tantrum-having toddler?

Parenting out of embarrassment feels wrong. It goes against everything you want to do as a parent. It feels icky. It feels like you’re letting your kid down — and yourself.

You want to get on their level and talk to them through their tantrum, but you’re embarrassed. You’d rather not prolong the issue; you’d rather run out the door without looking back, away from everyone’s prying eyes.

Your child is being joyful and loud in a grocery store, dancing up and down the aisles, sometimes walking into someone else’s cart because of too many twirls. You don’t want to dim her light, but you’re embarrassed. You want to tell her to stop, to walk slowly, to stop singing so loudly because she clearly just looks like an out-of-control kid in a public space.

Your kid comes to you crying about another kid pushing them down the slide. He wasn’t ready to go down it yet; he’s heartbroken that someone was so rude to him. You want to confront the other child and their parent, but you’re embarrassed. You want to tell him to let it go, to get over it, to try again.

You’re at a friend’s house and your kid refuses to eat any of the food your friend has cooked. Her kids have all eaten it and asked for seconds. Your kid now wants a snack. You never force them to eat something they don’t want, but you’re embarrassed. You want to tell them “no banana” because you’re worried your friend will judge you for giving in.

But it’s not the way you want to parent.

“The first thing I tell parents is this: Embarrassment is not a sign you’re doing it wrong; it’s a sign you care,” Hagains says. “It means your nervous system just got activated and you’re trying to protect your image, your child, or both. The key is noticing when that feeling starts running the show. In those moments, it helps to take a slow breath and ground yourself before reacting. You’re not just calming your child, you’re signaling safety to your own body, too.”

She breaks it down simply — if you want to parent confidently, it doesn’t come from control. It comes from connection. “Instead of worrying about what others think, focus on what your child needs in that moment: comfort, structure, or redirection. A meltdown in public isn’t a reflection of your parenting; it’s a moment of dysregulation that every child has. When you lead with calm consistency, you model emotional regulation more powerfully than any perfectly worded lecture ever could.”

So if everything in you is saying, “my toddler needs a hug and an understanding mom,” ignore anyone else’s eyes. If your child throws a tantrum on the floor for no reason at all and you know the best way to help them would be getting on their level and letting them know they’re safe and heard instead of snatching them up and running out of the store, then go ahead and give you and your kid that space.

And if you find that you’re feeling embarrassed about how to handle confrontation with your kid — something I personally struggle with a lot — make sure to really think about what you want your kid to get out of this situation. If your child comes to you, sobbing because another kid stole a toy from them on the playground, your default may be to tell them to calm down and not overreact. Maybe you don’t want to cause a scene or upset another parent. Maybe you just want to tell your kid, “It’s not a big deal, let it go,” because the idea of confronting anyone else about this feels hard and out of your comfort zone and, yes, embarrassing.

But what message is that sending your kid?

“As for confronting other parents or addressing uncomfortable situations, remember that confidence doesn’t mean aggression,” Hagains says. “It means staying anchored in your values. You can calmly say, ‘I want to make sure both kids feel heard,’ or ‘I’d like us to find a way to help them sort this out.’ The goal isn’t to win; it’s to stay grounded and aligned with how you want to show up as a parent.”

As Hagains points out, we’ve all been the parent with the screaming kid, the one who’s crying about a snack at the playground, the one who needs to awkwardly apologize to someone at school. “What separates confident parenting from reactive parenting isn’t perfection; it’s self-awareness and grace. When you parent from that place, the embarrassment loses its power.”