From The Confessional: Halloween Reflections & Rants Have Arrived

by Karen Johnson
Split pumpkin bark on grass during halloween

So I have three words about Halloween and they are What. The. Fuck. Like when in the holy Kit-Kat did things get this out of control? Costumes cost a damn fortune, and thanks to IG, if we opt for homemade, we had best bring our A-game or all the other supermoms will laugh us right out of town. Decorations are over-the-top, there are 97 trunk-or-treat, haunted hayride, Boo at the Zoo, Halloween-school-parade activities to attend, and by November 1, we’re already burnt out by the holiday season.

What TF is happening, friends? What happened to one night of fun in the 80s, when we threw together a cheap-ass costume from our dress-up bin and took off down the street with a pillowcase? That was it. Literally. One year I was a California Raisin and my mom threw a giant garbage bag over my head and rounded up a pair of white gloves from the winter bin. Boom. Costume done. Can you imagine trying to make that fly today?

Now I’m ordering $60 Descendants outfits online and then I hear, “That doesn’t include the makeup, Mom.” And my neighbors have motion-detecting moving zombies and a strobe light that blinks to ‘Monster Mash’ while I’m trying to compete with one sad-ass jack-o-lantern carving my 10-year-old started and subsequently abandoned to watch Youtube.

I don’t know how we got here, but Good Lord do we need to dial it allllll the way down. Moms are tired AF already, and we need to reserve some energy—the winter holiday season is just getting started.

Why the hell are kids halloween costumes $50 each now, wtf I have 3 kids! Cannot afford this bullshit

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I don’t get why people are so obsessed with Halloween and I think the cemetery and coffin decorations around my neighborhood are creepy.

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DH's already planning an over the top Halloween display. Build life-size displays of classic execution methods (electric chair, lethal injection, firing squad, scaffold, guillotine, gas chamber, burning at the stake). I apologize to neighbors in advance.

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My homeowners association has informed me that Halloween decorating with very realistic looking fake dead bodies is all well and good, but that my putting spoiled raw meat inside them so they also SMELL like rotting corpses is taking things too far.

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I miss the days when Halloween was ONE NIGHT and not 47 different parties and trunk or treats. Jesus H.

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The costumes are too much. The decorations are too much. And all the events? OMG stop. No, I am not decorating my trunk to do a trunk-or-treat at the damn bank. FFS.

Halloween used to be my favorite holiday. Now that my kids are older, and the expectation to have that “perfect set of costumes with insta-ready makeup and fabulous yard decorations to keep up with the neighbors increases, I’m starting to hate it”

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Damn it MIL can we not even have fucking Halloween to ourselves? Good grief

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It’s one thing to have sexy or risque Halloween costumes for adults, but it creeps me out to see them also available in kids’ sizes.

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DH is sucking the fun out of Halloween already by his insistence on me making homemade family costumes. I just want to buy DS2 something cute and cheap, it's not like we are going anywhere but trick or treating.

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And tbh, people have ruined it. Mothers-in-law have ruined it. Our partners have ruined it. Money-making businesses have ruined it. And IG has DEFINITELY ruined it. Can we ever get back to the simplicity of what Halloween used to be? Probably not, and that sucks.

I fucking hate Halloween. I hope they cancel all that shit. Walking around in the dark freezing my ass off? No thanks.

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The costumes, the candy, the spooky, the kid crap, the trunk or treats- I hate Halloween

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have absolutely 0 desire to take DD5 out for halloween... on a fucking sunday

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Despise Halloween. Since I'm not working that day, I'll be in the house with the lights out hoping no one knocks, just like my mom did.

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My teens don't want to dress up for Halloween and I am totally good with that!

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In short, we’re over it. At least, I’m over it. I can’t speak for other moms, but I’ll be willing to bet I’m not the only parent out there who is like whaaaaaaa TF every time October 31 rolls around and there’s yet another trunk-or-treat or party or event that requires a costume, makeup, my child being over-sugared and up way past his bedtime, and me to dish out cash I don’t have.

I bought 4 lbs of Halloween candy and there’s only one pound left. Yikes.

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Not buying Halloween candy early like I usually do because everybody eats it all and I have to buy it again!

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I can’t stop stress eating Halloween candy. The minute my kids act up or fight I shove chocolate in my mouth. Today alone I’ve eaten 7 snickers before 10am. My kids are going to push me over the edge.

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Plus, all the candy is gone anyway, so whatever. Anyone else just want to lock the door, keep the porch light off, and snuggle up under a blanket watching movies? That sounds the best Halloween ever if you ask me.

I guess all we simple folk can hope for is that society somehow peaks and starts to swing back the other way. Back to when Halloween was one night (not 11 nights), when costumes were a couple bucks (not $100), and when you could hang a paper skeleton on you front door a call it a day.

Realistically, we’ll probably never go back (IG wouldn’t approve—we know that. Gotta keep up!) but if you’re like me and you’re feeling overwhelmed by just how big this “simple” childhood holiday has become, don’t be afraid to dial it down—at least for your family. The kids don’t need to go to the trunk-or-treat at the bank. They don’t need every single piece of that Descendants costume (you likely have half that shit already).

And most importantly, their candy is your candy. You pay the bills, Mom. Eat allllll the Kit-Kats you want, and feel zero guilt about it.