“Honey, You Stink” And Other Things New Moms Need to Hear

Don’t get mad at me, new moms, but I’m about to say some things that might be a little hard to hear. Just listen. I’m coming from a place of no judgment. I’m coming from a place of love. I’m saying these things because you need to hear them and because I care about you and because your friends can’t tell you because you’re a crazy person right now… and frankly because you stink a little. So here goes.

5 Things New Moms Need to Hear:

1. You need to put the Internet away for a couple of months…specifically Facebook. Your baby doesn’t have that rare illness that you’re reading about. You don’t need to read that story about the mom dropping her baby or forgetting it somewhere or a raccoon breaking into the house and eating the infant. You don’t need to ask Facebook what formula or diapers or sleep training method is right. People have been having babies for a *couple* of years without the Internet, and it seemed to work out just fine. Phone a friend because, generally speaking, people on the Internet are assholes.

2. No, we won’t vote for your baby. Your baby is absolutely the most precious little babe on the planet. We get it, but no one is going to vote for them for the cutest baby contest — even if it does mean you could win a college scholarship. Send the link to your parents and if they can figure out how to actually vote, you’re set, because they were the only people who were going to vote anyway. You’ve just saved yourself a tiny little shred of embarrassment. You’re welcome.

3. Honey, you stink. It’s like a friend told me: “If you think you stink, it’s because you do.” It’s true. I’m going to blame it on the hormones or maybe it’s stress sweat or maybe it’s because you haven’t showered in days but you smell a little funky. Take a few minutes for yourself and go take a shower. Please.

4. If you’re feeling crazy, it’s because you are. You’re supposed to be a little crazy right now. You’re probably a little nervous, excited, scared, and exhausted, and you have hormones bouncing around like ping-pong balls. It’s cool. This is where being off of Facebook is going to come in handy…. save some face, save some hurt feelings, and just focus on that little model baby of yours and cry in the privacy of your own shower.

5. You’re doing great and you’ll feel normal again one day…. not today, but one day. I remember looking at people walking around Target and thinking – “LOOK AT THEM! Walking around all normal! Will I ever walk around like a normal person with normal thoughts? Will I ever enjoy a glass of wine again? Will I ever sleep, like REALLY sleep, and not just sorta drift?” It all happens. You sleep. You drink. You walk. You find a new normal-ish…. just not today, but it’ll happen. I promise.

Related post: 10 Commandments for Visiting New Moms