My Teen & I Now Communicate Through Instagram DMs & Honestly It's Kinda Great
It’s opened up a new way of learning about his life.
My 13 year old son sends me videos of people falling down. I watch them and I laugh, because apparently neither of us are particularly evolved.
This is part of our relationship now. Someone eats shit while trying to unload their groceries, and my son thinks of me, and a little notification pops up on my phone. I’m not sure it's the exact mother-son bonding activity I envisioned when he was a baby, but here we are.
I was reluctant to let him have Instagram. It took a lot of begging and persuading for all the reasons you are already thinking, plus a few more because my brain likes to work overdrive at night. Strangers, doomscrolling, brain development — you get it.
Plus, I have Instagram. I know how quickly “I’m just checking one thing” turns into three hours of watching a farmer shave his horse’s hooves in order to find potential infection. It’s a whole world that I wasn’t exactly eager to let my eighth grader wade into.
But eventually, I agreed to let him have it with close monitoring and plenty of rules.
I expected to spend a lot of time reminding him to put his phone away. I expected a lot of check-ins where I had to set more limits and teach him lessons. What I didn’t expect was that he would start sending me DMs.
Voluntarily. Without needing money. Without needing a ride, or permission, or a snack. He sent them just because!
At first, it was funny videos. People wiping out. The kind of dumb content that makes you laugh even when you shouldn’t. Then came the lacrosse clips. He would send me a clip of an insane pass or shot and later in the car would mention it: “hey mom, did you see that insane shot I sent you?!”
And I get to say yes. I ask questions about how the hell someone does that and he explains it and then all of a sudden we’re having a conversation about something he cares about that I didn’t need to pry out of him. And at 13, that’s a fucking miracle, if you ask me.
I still want to know everything. What happened at lunch, how his friends are doing, what’s bothering him, but that line of questioning drives him nuts. So, the DMs give us something to start with.
He also sends dessert recipes,ones made by weird teenage influencers with a seemingly unlimited access to candy. And one day, he sent me a Reese’s peanut butter cup dip.
The next day I went to the store and got all of the ingredients so when he walked in from school there it was on the counter: his amazing, 7,000 calorie, dream Instagram dessert for us to share. We sat together and talked about his day. Nothing dramatic or revolutionary but meaningful, and perfect.
I am still going to monitor his account. I am still going to enforce the limits. But for now I am really happy to keep the Instagram DM conversation going. Because if there is a way I can connect with him in a positive way, I am all in.
Samm is an ex-lawyer and mom of four who swears a lot. Find her on Instagram @sammbdavidson.
