For The Last Damn Time, Stop Being A Jerk In The Car Line

by JohnSarah Smith
Originally Published: 
A mature blonde woman in a red shirt is raging while standing in a car line
RapidEye / Getty Images

The other day I was picking my kids up from school, when I noticed the principal standing guard at the door. She was stopping every parent as they exited the building.

“Please read and sign,” she said, handing out copies of her freshly-printed letter.

“Sure thing,” I responded, while ushering my kiddos out of the building. I was wrestling toddlers with backpacks and lunch boxes, but I managed to catch the headline as I received my copy. Car Line Rules.

Oh sweet lord, here we go again.

To be honest, the fact that these memos are even necessary just blows my mind. The whole car-line concept isn’t exactly convoluted, and no grown human being should require a bullet point outline of how not to be an inconsiderate jerk. And yet, here we are.

I got home, unloaded the kids, and read the remainder of the hand out.

“Please refrain from texting and driving in the parking lot. Please don’t exit your vehicle if you are using the carline. If your children need a moment to regroup, please find a parking space and escort your children into the building.”

Please this. Please that. Please, please, please.

Our principal is a saint, bless her heart, but she has way more chill than anyone deserves at this point. This is her third memo this year, and yet she still takes the diplomatic route. I respect that, but I think it’s time we say “to hell with diplomacy.” Nobody should have to politely request that adults act like, well, adults in the damn car line.

These are simple rules–not rocket science–and I’m tired AF of the inconsiderate jerks making this a hellish experience for the rest of decent society.

It’s time somebody speak the harsh truth that everyone else is thinking, and since I’ve had it up to here with their BS, I volunteer as tribute. So turn down the Moana soundtrack and listen up, Becky.

*Takes the mic*

For the last damn time, stop being an inconsiderate asshole in school car lines. I don’t care if you haven’t had your coffee yet, the world isn’t demanding too much from you. Put on your listening ears, follow some simple rules, and at least pretend to have your shit together between the hours of 7:00 and 8:00 am.

One freaking hour, that’s all we are asking. Then you can go back out into society being the hot mess that you are, yapping on the phone, holding up lines all over town, and generally believing you are the center of the universe. That’s what this comes down to, right? You believe the world revolves around you?

I can’t image any other reason an adult would struggle with this process. My preschooler could unpack it for you, it’s that simple.

1) Drive up

2) Drop off

3) Drive away

The end.

If you need to check your child’s lunchbox to make sure yesterday’s banana is still edible, grab a parking spot. If you can’t remember if your child’s backpack contained something you needed to sign, grab a parking spot. If your children initiated WWIII on the way to school and somebody is bleeding buckets in the backseat, grab a parking spot.

Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, screw this up for the rest of us.

Parenting is freaking hard. I know. We all have our days when the convenience of a car line pull up isn’t going to happen, and those days suck. I, too, have had those moments when the very idea of parking, unloading all of the things, and escorting the kids into school feels like the last straw.

But let’s get real. If parking your car and walking your children into a building is the worst thing that happens to you today, the world isn’t going to end. However, if you forego that simple option and choose to intentionally inconvenience everyone else because you didn’t have your shit together, well, we all know what you are:

An asshole.

Yup, I said it. And that’s all there is. These rules aren’t confusing, and you’ve read them plenty of times. After all is said and done, if you are still inconsiderate of other people, you are a selfish asshole.

If you text and drive, you are Queen of the Selfish Assholes. And, you need to knock that shit off right now.

Spoiler alert: Nobody likes a selfish asshole.

If you can’t follow simple, undemanding instructions that are intended to make everyone’s life easier and safer, I’m going to need you to find an alternative mode of transportation for your crotch fruit.

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