1. I hope one of them eats their own poop, but not before using it as finger paint to coat their crib and any bit of wall they can reach.
2. I hope one smashes a banana into the seat of your van.
3. I hope one never sleeps. Ever.
4. I hope one unstuffs your couch cushions, one marble sized piece of stuffing at a time…and then feeds it to the baby.
5. I hope one eats an entire pack of gum, including the wrappers.
6. I hope one fills up a boot with sand and dumps it on the carpet.
7. I hope one constantly walks around with his hand in his butt crack and then tries to stick said fingers in your coffee.
8. I hope one draws a “mural” on the wall with a black Sharpie…and then tries to clean it up with toothpaste.
9. I hope one washes the others hair with laundry soap. Lots and lots of laundry soap.
10. I hope one licks books…when he’s four. That’s LICKS not likes.
11. I hope one uncontrollably announces every bodily function in real time, no matter where you are.
12. I hope they make multiple requests for food while you’re in the shower.
13. I hope they say “mom mom mom mom mommommommom”, so that half the time you can’t even hear it anymore.
14. I hope they have the inability to vomit anywhere besides the bed.
15. I hope they all suddenly need poop at the same time and you only have one bathroom.
16. I hope they try to pour their own juice from the bottle… when they’re two.
17. I hope they give the impression that they will starve to death immediately if they don’t get a snack every 3.5 minutes.
18. I hope one tries to give the other a secret haircut.
19. I hope one tells you he’s done with dinner by tossing his bowl of soup across the kitchen.
20. I hope they do weird crap when they’re exhausted, so you can have a good laugh. Or cry.
And I really hope you call your dad and I and apologize for being a little shit.
But most of all, I hope that you’re still able to squeeze them and kiss their adorable cheeks at the end of the day.
Related post: 10 Things I Said My Children Would Never Do
This article was originally published on