Payback's A Bitch: 20 Somewhat Evil Wishes For My Children

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1. I hope one of them eats their own poop, but not before using it as finger paint to coat their crib and any bit of wall they can reach.

2. I hope one smashes a banana into the seat of your van.

3. I hope one never sleeps. Ever.

4. I hope one unstuffs your couch cushions, one marble sized piece of stuffing at a time…and then feeds it to the baby.

5. I hope one eats an entire pack of gum, including the wrappers.

6. I hope one fills up a boot with sand and dumps it on the carpet.

7. I hope one constantly walks around with his hand in his butt crack and then tries to stick said fingers in your coffee.

8. I hope one draws a “mural” on the wall with a black Sharpie…and then tries to clean it up with toothpaste.

9. I hope one washes the others hair with laundry soap. Lots and lots of laundry soap.

10. I hope one licks books…when he’s four. That’s LICKS not likes.

11. I hope one uncontrollably announces every bodily function in real time, no matter where you are.

12. I hope they make multiple requests for food while you’re in the shower.

13. I hope they say “mom mom mom mom mommommommom”, so that half the time you can’t even hear it anymore.

14. I hope they have the inability to vomit anywhere besides the bed.

15. I hope they all suddenly need poop at the same time and you only have one bathroom.

16. I hope they try to pour their own juice from the bottle… when they’re two.

17. I hope they give the impression that they will starve to death immediately if they don’t get a snack every 3.5 minutes.

18. I hope one tries to give the other a secret haircut.

19. I hope one tells you he’s done with dinner by tossing his bowl of soup across the kitchen.

20. I hope they do weird crap when they’re exhausted, so you can have a good laugh. Or cry.

And I really hope you call your dad and I and apologize for being a little shit.

But most of all, I hope that you’re still able to squeeze them and kiss their adorable cheeks at the end of the day.

Related post: 10 Things I Said My Children Would Never Do

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