From The Confessional: Lots Of Penis Talk

by Team Scary Mommy
ana gassent/Getty

Seriously, what TF is the big deal about those things? Why do cis men like flailing them about like they’re little kings? Do they know how little we actually think and/or care about their dicks? Yet, these frontal appendages rule the minds, thoughts, and actions of many men and boys all the time. Or, at least, it seems that way.

And as a mom of boys, I’ve come to realize that the obsession with talking about, touching, and obsessing over said penis starts very young. As a wife to a man, I’ve also learned it never ends.

Sorry, guys, but the truth is, most of us don’t care about your dicks as we move through our day. Most of us would rather you just keep them tucked away. Yes, we might appreciate the services they provide, but we can also get those services from something we buy at Target, so…

You can feel free to keep worshipping your King Richard, but do it on your own time. Don’t just take him out when we’re elbow-deep in a diaper-change and expect us to be excited—especially if he’s still asleep, mkay?

DH is so hung up about his very tiny penis that I can’t imagine him ever cheating. I honestly can’t imagine another woman wanting to bother with it.

Confessional #25835061

Don't know why he was even watching it, but DH is still in shock after watching some surgical procedure on YouTube where a penis is "degloved" (the skin peeled of the meat like peeling a glove off your hand). I think if I touched his dick now, he'd scream

Confessional #25822324

Any time I have a spare few minutes H thinks its my time to worship his penis. Bruh can I have some time for myself without it being about you people!?

Confessional #25803199

My husband is so controlled by his penis it's Like there's nothing else to him. Is there nothing more to marriage? Goddamn

Confessional #25792459

Why are they so fixated on it? It’s like there is a direct line between their dick and their brain that bypasses all other rational thoughts some days.

Put my hand on DH & his dick immediately came out. I told him Feel like his penis rules our life. I love having sex with him but it’s ALWAYS ABOUT SEX. He hasn’t touched me since. I didn’t expect that. I resent him making me feel guilty. 20 yrs together

Confessional #25755880

I am so tired of DH wanting to put his penis in one or all of my orafices. Finally got 3 yo to stop nursing. I just can't anymore. I want my body back. All of it.

Confessional #22621179

Wish DH could understand how little I actually care about his penis on a daily basis.

Confessional #25766139

The average penis is 5.5. DH is strutting around like king stud because he measured his, and he’s SLIGHTLY above average at 5.75”. Cripes – it’s not like the extra ¼” is even noticeable.”

Confessional #25822954

And even worse, they want US to worship it. Um…. no. We don’t GAF. Put it away and help fold some laundry or wash a damn dish FFS.

Hubby’s penis is shrinking. I didn’t even know that was a thing. It’s is seriously a button mushroom

Confessional #25817240

Penises are ugly.

Confessional #25837505

If H walks up to me and flashes is gross, flaccid penis at me while I’m trying to do something I’m gonna punch him in it. How is he this juvenile?

Confessional #25779788

I wish my H's stupid, nasty little penis would just fall off. It has caused more trouble than it's worth over the years.

Confessional #25754516

Because honestly, they’re not as awesome as you think they are. Especially when we didn’t ask to see them.

I didn't know having a boy meant daily conversations about his penis. He's only 2 and we literally have to discuss daily why if he pulls his penis out of the diaper he pees the bed. He thinks water is just magically appearing. Hes driving me nuts.

Confessional #25812260

DS17 likes to yell "PENIS!" Did it during my conference call. Boss, client & coworkers heard. Recovered by saying "I know you want one, dear. Put it on your Xmas list, and maybe Santa will bring you one." They said it's the best comeback they EVER heard!

Confessional #25812059

How much talk about poop, penises, and butts is too much? Starting to get a lil worried my 7yo son is going to grow up to be a total pervert

Confessional #25767323

How has, "can you please stop staring at your penis in the mirror and get ready for school," become part of the morning dialogue with my 10 year old? Seriously?!

Confessional #25765249

And ew, kids are obsessed too! Like what makes little boys want to constantly talk about it, touch it, and incorporate it into every damn facet of their lives? Get your hands out of your pants and stop talking about your penis at IHOP with Grandma sitting right next to you. Eat your damn pancakes and STFU.

I really don’t get it, probably because I don’t walk around with one all day long. But I walk around with boobs and a vagina and somehow can go entire conversations without bringing them up. And I can watch an entire movie without holding onto a boob or go an entire day without whipping one out and expecting my SO to fawn over it. Weird.

I don’t get it.