People Are Now Freezing Their Genitals To Improve Their Sex Lives. Because Of Course They Are.

There is a new trend out in our strange and beautiful world known as genital freezing. And while I am sure you are compelled to get up and sprint out your door right now because you feel the need to give your tunnel of love, or your nuts and berries, a squirt of “Love Mist” that will turn their temperature down to -160 degrees, let’s just settle down for a moment and discuss this.

The procedure is done by a trained professional, so no need to worry about getting frostbite on your fine china. According to The Sun, “The therapist blasts a chilly -160 degree vapor over the genital area via a liquid nitrogen tank. During the icy 30-minute treatment, which costs £50($62.50), the nitrogen is filtered and distributed through a funnel in the form of an ice-cold vapor.”

This sounds fucking fantastic, right?

Or not. I am not at all comfortable with a “trained professional” aiming a stick that squirts ice-cold anything onto my vulva. Not to mention it lasts a half hour. You just lie there with ice-cold genitals for an entire 30 minutes!

Do you look at each other? Make small talk? Ask for a drink? What the hell is the protocol here? And I thought going to visit my gynecologist was stressful. I would really have to trim and clean up for something as lengthy as getting a freezing genital shower via liquid nitrogen tank by a stranger for a half hour.

Why are people doing this? To get better at shakin’ the sheets, of course.

According to Cryotherapy, a skincare clinic in Manchester, England, “It improves clients’ sex drives as when the sub-zero temperature covers the skin, the sudden drop in heat stimulates the temperature receptors. This then prompts the brain to transmit messages throughout the body so the blood vessels undergo ‘vasoconstriction.’ The process produces a quicker blood flow and ramps up endorphin levels, generating a natural high.”

Long gone are the days of porn and special jellies to enhance your sexy time. Now we need to freeze our labias and testicles to sub-zero temperatures to reap the benefits of a good O.

But that is not all it does. We will also have the added benefit of tightening up our intimate areas. Apparently society doesn’t put enough pressure on us to be perfect. Not only can all our body parts be nipped, tucked, taped, sliced, diced, and airbrushed or photoshopped to death, now we have to worry about what is hidden underneath our unmentionables too. God fucking forbid they change as we change. We certainly cannot have that.

The spa claims, “While the skin continues to feel the ‘freeze’ the body sends signals back and forth to the brain. These messengers tell the brain if there is damage to the tissues, to repair them. It’s this that along with the instant endorphin level energy boost and natural high, generates a tighter, youthful, clear and vibrant genital skin appearance through boosting collagen.”

The FDA has obviously not chimed in on this super-scientific data.

This freezing is likely causing some kind of damage to the delicate tissue of our private parts. To me, that is reason enough not to do it. If you are feeling saggy in that general area (is that even a thing?), just leave it the fuck alone. Nobody is judging the sagginess of your vagina lips, and if they are, then you should never ever let them see you naked (or speak to them) again. Penises and vaginas go through a lot — let ’em sag away!

If you have recently waxed or shaved yourself into smooth nakedness, hoping to see a masterpiece between your thighs, only to be disappointed with your floppy lips or dropping balls, grow it all back. Don’t focus on that shit. We have hair down there for a reason, people. Just stop it. If you don’t like it, let that bush fill out — mother nature’s blanket solution to our genital woes.

Our skin flutes and vertical smiles were not meant to be tinkered with in this fashion. They are fine and gorgeous specimens that need to be loved just the way they are. So save your money, time, and freezing to death for something more exciting, like ice cream or vodka.