35 Hilarious Phoebe Buffay Quotes That Will Become Your Lobster

by Team Scary Mommy
Originally Published: 
Phoebe Buffay on the hit NBC series "Friends" performs
David Hume Kennerly/Getty

Twenty six years after Friends began the show’s decade-long reign on must-see TV, the show is still gaining new fans thanks to streaming services like Netflix and the show’s new home on HBO Max. And while ’90s sitcoms came and went, the beauty of the one about the six friends was in its characters. Ross, Rachel, Monica, Chandler, Joey, and Phoebe were the heart, soul, and funny bone of our generation. And they’re not going anywhere.

Earnest, sweet, bohemian, and tell-it-like-it-is Phoebe made no qualms about how different her life was to her friends, serving as the group’s moral compass and landing some hilarious punch lines in the process. With that in mind, we’ve gone ahead and curated the absolute best and funniest Phoebe Buffay quotes to give you a chuckle and warm your heart.


“Oh, no!”

“Come on, Ross, you’re a paleontologist. Dig a little deeper.”

“Oh, my God, a woman flirting with a single man? We must alert the church elders!”

“Something is wrong with the left phalange.”

“I’m very wise, I know.”

“You should see me when I actually… Oh actually, no, I look good.”

“I’m a lady, Monica. I don’t kiss and tell. But this hickey speaks for itself.”

“Well, if she isn’t (dead), cremating her was a big mistake.”

“This is the nicest kitchen. … The refrigerator told me to have a great day.”

“One really does have a stick up one’s ass. Doesn’t one?”

“Princess Consuela Bananahammock.”

“Oh, you like that? You should hear my phone number.”


“Didn’t you ever run so fast you thought your legs were gonna fall off, you know, like when you were running toward the swings or running away from Satan?”

Discussing Christmas trees: “I am against innocent trees being cut down in their prime and their corpses grotesquely dressed in, like, tinsel and twinkly lights.”

To Ross: “You love divorce so much, you’re probably gonna marry it – and then it won’t work out, so you’re gonna have to divorce it.”

“They don’t know that we know they know we know.”

“Everybody looks so happy. I hate that.”

“I think the most romantic song is the one that Elton John wrote for that guy from ‘Who’s the Boss?’… You know, ‘Hold me closer, Tony Danza.’ ”

“Are you in there, little fetus? In nine months, will you greet us? I will … buy you some Adidas.”

“I’m a pacifist. But when the revolution comes, I’ll destroy all of you.”

“I wish I could, but I don’t want to.”

“If you want to receive emails about my upcoming shows, please give me money so I can buy a computer.”

Monica: “Phoebe, do you have a plan?”

Phoebe: “I don’t even have a ‘pla-.’”


“Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you? / Smelly cat, smelly cat, it’s not your fault.”

Rachel: “Does this look like something the girlfriend of a paleontologist would wear?

Phoebe: “I don’t know, you might be the first one.”

“I’m sorry I won’t be able to make it to your imaginary wedding, but I’m really busy that day. I already have a unicorn baptism and a leprechaun bar mitzvah.”

“I just gave birth to three children and I will not see them grow up in a world where Joey is right.”

During wedding vows to Mike: “When I was growing up, I didn’t have a normal mom and dad or a regular family like everybody else. And I always knew that something was missing. But now I’m standing here today knowing that I have everything I’m ever gonna need. You are my family.”

“She’s your lobster. C’mon, you guys. It’s a known fact that lobsters fall in love and mate for life. You can actually see old lobster couples walking around their tank, you know, holding claws.”

Discussing baby names: “If it’s a girl, Phoebe, naturally. And if it’s a boy, Phoebo.”


Calling work as Ross and Rachel are breaking up in the other room: “Hi, it’s Phoebe. Someone needs to take my 9 o’clock, because it’s, like, 9:15 and I’m not there.”

“That is brand new information.”

“Eye contact? I hope you were using protection.”

“I think I’m ready for my penis now.”

“I’m really looking forward to having sexual intercourse with you.”

Related: 50+ Hilarious And Absurd ‘New Girl’ Quotes To Share With Roommates

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