50+ Hilarious And Relatable 'New Girl' Quotes To Make You Laugh

50+ Hilarious And Absurd ‘New Girl’ Quotes To Share With Roommates

February 12, 2020 Updated February 26, 2020

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New Girl catapulted to success since its premiere in 2011. And for good reason. Portraying a bunch of 30-somethings still trying to figure their shit out, the show was relatable to many a viewer. With Zooey Deschanel as leading lady Jess, the only female roommate in a loft apartment of guys, New Girl kept us laughing until it wrapped up in 2018.

While we’re still mourning its end, the comedy provided us with enough hilarious quotes and one liners to keep us giggling forever. We’ve therefore compiled a list of over 50 of our favorite New Girl quotes. Read on and bask in the wisdom of Jess, Nick, Schmidt, Winston, Coach and Cece. (Please note: we use the word ‘wisdom’ very loosely.)

Jess

“So when I do the chicken dance, I do it a little differently. Instead of doing claps, I like to do a peck. It’s more realistic.”

“Blast from the past, how’s that ass?”

“I just wanted to listen to Taylor Swift alone!”

“My first crush was on a Batman cake, but my first sexual feelings were about teenage Simba because he was really hot, and i still actually find him hot…”

“I’ll take the strongest drink you have, and also a wine spritzer on the side in case I don’t like it.”

Jess: “I had the best sex of my life last night.”
Nick: “Oh so that was you? I thought it was a couple bums fighting.”
Jess: “It wasn’t. It was me. Having sex. I left my body, went up to heaven, saw my grandparents, thought it was weird that I saw my grandparents, came back down. I became a werewolf, I scared some teenagers. I came back into my body. Only thing is, he thinks my name is Katie and that I’m a dancer and/or something involving puppets.”

“You guys are ruling women out based on their breast size? It’s the least important part of a woman’s body! Unless you’re a baby. Are you guys babies?”

“My boyfriend doesn’t believe in banks. It’s early in the relationship. I’m still shaving above the knee. Know what I mean?”

“Nick doesn’t have a life plan. He doesn’t have a day plan. I once found a note that he wrote to himself that said, ‘Put on pants.'”

“I don’t want to kiss and tell, but I ruined my dresser during intercourse. Will you go to Ikea with me?”

“I was sabotaged by my baby box.”

“I hope you like feminist rants, because that’s kind of my thing.”

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Nick

“Can I get an alcohol?”

“I like getting older. I feel like I’m finally aging into my personality.”

“I want to kill you, because I respect you. Jess! I think I understand hunting!”

“Look, we’re not trying to be mean. We just don’t want you to be yourself… in any way.”

“I can’t go to jail! I’m too sarcastic for the white gangs!”

“I have decided to give up on women and put all of that energy into tomatoes.”

“Any time a man wants to show a woman how to do something from behind it’s just because he wants an excuse to get real close and breathe on her neck. Watch any sports movie.”

“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? No, a summer’s day is not a bitch!”

“Schmidt fired me and now I’ll never get to use this briefcase I bought and it was $19!”

“I only wanna make a drink a coal miner would want. Straight forward. Honest. Something that says, ‘I work in a hole.'”

“I’m not convinced I know how to read, I’ve just memorized a lot of words.”

“I like chipmunks more than squirrels.”

“I can’t believe I’m the sober one. That’s actually never happened before in my life.”

Schmidt

“Old people freak me out. With their hands and their legs. They’re like the people version of pleated pants.”

“I’m like a Hebrew cheetah.”

“Beans are nothing but soggy nuts.”

“Can we just take a minute to celebrate me?”

“I’m like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is a unique experience.”

“The economy stinks, bees are dying, and movies are pretty much all sequels now.”

“I’m as mad as a dad in traffic!”

“If you are for one second suggesting that I don’t know how to open a musical, how dare you!”

“There are plenty of things to be down about: The deficit, air pollution in China, The Hobbit wasn’t very good…”

Winston

“If I were off my rocker, would I take a weekly selfie with my cat?”

Winston: “That’s like the president and the vice president not being best friends.”
Nick: “They’re not best friends.”
Winston: “Come on, everybody knows they’re best friends.”

“Can I interest you in some white noise?”

“Those are pickles in progress.”

“Saturday is a day for sleeping, and damn it, you will not take that away from me!”

“There’s nothing like the feel of a fire, a fresh baked cookie and the sweet, sweet taste of crack in your lungs.”

Winston: “They call me Prank Sinatra!”
Nick: “No, you call you Prank Sinatra!”

Coach

“Who’s talking to you, Depression-era garbage man?”

“Keep running or I will murder your family!”

“I need everyone to shut up.”

“Your asses belong to me now.”

“I’m gonna bake a cake so moist, girls are gonna be like, ‘eww, why did you say moist? I hate that word!’ And I’m gonna be like, ‘taste the cake.’ And they’re gonna be like, ‘damn, it’s moist!'”

“That’s what’s up, that’s what’s up. No doubt. Diggity.”

“I wanna choke you until your eyes literally pop out of your head.”

“I hate when Schmidt cries. He sounds like a ghost singing ‘Hey Ya.'”

Cece

“I’m using my bride card!”

“I’ve made out with half of the guys in this room.”

Schmidt: “No sig oths.”
Cece: “Just say ‘significant others.'”

“Watch your front because we’ve got your back!”

“You’re drinking on a Tuesday and you are a teacher.”

“I used to just think if I was proposed to I would notice it was happening.”

Schmidt: “You like me? You like my personality?”
Cece: “I was surprised, too.”

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