113 Hilarious And Relatable 'New Girl' Quotes To Make You Laugh

110+ Hilarious And Absurd ‘New Girl’ Quotes To Share With Roommates

February 12, 2020 Updated April 14, 2021

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FOX

New Girl catapulted to success shortly after its premiere in 2011 — and for good reason. Portraying a bunch of 30-somethings still trying to figure their shit out, the beloved show was relatable to many a viewer. With Zooey Deschanel as leading lady Jess, the only female roommate in a loft apartment of guys, New Girl kept us laughing until it wrapped up in 2018.

But who says it’s really over? While we’re still mourning the series end, the TV comedy provided us with enough hilarious quotes and one-liners to keep us giggling forever. A show lives on through its reruns and its best lines! Between Jess and Nick Miller, there’s enough funny fodder for future generations to stumble upon and appreciate forever. Or, you know, they could just check out this site. 

We’ve therefore compiled a list of over 50 of our favorite New Girl quotes. Read on and bask in the wisdom of Jess, Nick, Schmidt, Winston, Coach, and Cece. (Please note: We use the word “wisdom” very loosely.)

Jess

  1. “So when I do the chicken dance, I do it a little differently. Instead of doing claps, I like to do a peck. It’s more realistic.”
  2. “Blast from the past, how’s that ass?”
  3. “I just wanted to listen to Taylor Swift alone!”
  4. “My first crush was on a Batman cake, but my first sexual feelings were about teenage Simba  because he was really hot, and I still actually find him hot.”
  5. “I’ll take the strongest drink you have, and also a wine spritzer on the side in case I don’t like it.”
  6. Jess: “I had the best sex of my life last night.”
    Nick: “Oh so that was you? I thought it was a couple bums fighting.”
    Jess: “It wasn’t. It was me. Having sex. I left my body, went up to heaven, saw my grandparents, thought it was weird that I saw my grandparents, came back down. I became a werewolf. I scared some teenagers. I came back into my body. Only thing is, he thinks my name is Katie, and that I’m a dancer and or something involving puppets.”
  7. “You guys are ruling women out based on their breast size? It’s the least important part of a woman’s body! Unless you’re a baby. Are you guys babies?”
  8. “My boyfriend doesn’t believe in banks. It’s early in the relationship. I’m still shaving above the knee. Know what I mean?”
  9. “Nick doesn’t have a life plan. He doesn’t have a day plan. I once found a note that he wrote to himself that said, ‘Put on pants.'”
  10. “I don’t want to kiss and tell, but I ruined my dresser during intercourse. Will you go to Ikea with me?”
  11. “I was sabotaged by my baby box.”
  12. “I hope you like feminist rants, because that’s kind of my thing.”
  13. “Nick isn’t even a man. He’s some kind of man-boy, man-child hybrid. The other day I had to tell him not to pull a dog’s tail.”
  14. “Pink wine makes me slutty.”
  15. “I’m only attracted to guys who are afraid of success and think someone famous stole their idea.”
  16. “I’m probably fine. But I also might be dead.”
  17. “If any of you cross me, I’m gonna kick the testicles clean off your body. Clean off. You’ll look like Ken dolls down there!”
  18. “I might as well call you Bridge to Terabithia because you make children cry.”
  19. “I want passion. Even if it’s harder and hurts more.”
  20. “You’re making a huge, life-ruining mistake by moving in with a woman who turned you into an agoraphobic, turtle-faced, borderline alcoholic.”
  21. “Everything you say sounds really creepy when you’re not wearing pants.”
  22. “I feel like a fat man is sitting on my uterus!”
  23. “‘Because once you see my body, you will go brain-dead and have memory loss.’ Send. Oh, no! Autocorrect changed ‘body’ to ‘meat bar.'”
  24. “I thought we talked about you not wearing your shower diaper in the kitchen.”
  25. “Nipple play-off-limits.”
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FOX

NicK

  1. “Can I get an alcohol?”
  2. “I like getting older. I feel like I’m finally aging into my personality.”
  3. “I want to kill you because I respect you. Jess! I think I understand hunting!”
  4. “Look, we’re not trying to be mean. We just don’t want you to be yourself…in any way.”
  5. “I can’t go to jail! I’m too sarcastic for the white gangs!”
  6. “I have decided to give up on women and put all of that energy into tomatoes.”
  7. “Any time a man wants to show a woman how to do something from behind, it’s just because he wants an excuse to get real close and breathe on her neck. Watch any sports movie.”
  8. “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? No, a summer’s day is not a bitch!”
  9. “Schmidt fired me, and now I’ll never get to use this briefcase I bought, and it was $19!”
  10. “I only wanna make a drink a coal miner would want. Straight forward. Honest. Something that says, ‘I work in a hole.'”
  11. “I’m not convinced I know how to read, I’ve just memorized a lot of words.”
  12. “I like chipmunks more than squirrels.”
  13. “I can’t believe I’m the sober one. That’s actually never happened before in my life.”
  14. “My funeral is my time to shine!”
  15. “Lying makes me sweat. That’s why I can’t play poker or talk to pregnant women.”
  16. “You can’t turn the sink on when someone’s in the shower; this isn’t some fancy hotel!”
  17. “I’m 30 years old, and I’ve peed in every pool I’ve been into. Every single one.”
  18. “Nick Miller. Turning lemonade into lemons since 1981.”
  19. “I’ve never been an inspiration before. I don’t like this much responsibility.”
  20. “I moved to Los Angeles to get closer to whales so I could record them.”
  21. “I refuse to pay for the weefee.”
  22. “She’s got that giant heart that’s part compass and part flashlight, and she’s just the greatest person I have ever met.”
  23. “Look at that font! What is this? Amateur hour? At least use Palatino.”
  24. “I fell in love with Jess the minute she walked through the door.”
  25. “I don’t dance! I’m from that town in ‘Footloose.'”
  26. “I don’t deal with exes, they’re a part of the past. You burn them swiftly and give their ashes to Poseidon!”
  27. “I’m pretty sure I’m having a heart attack and I haven’t arranged for anyone to clear my internet history. I wasn’t building a bomb, I was just curious.”
  28. “Do I regret it? Yes. Would I do it again? Probably.”
  29. “I am not a successful adult. I don’t eat vegetables and/or take care of myself.”

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Schmidt

  1. “Old people freak me out. With their hands and their legs. They’re like the people version of pleated pants.”
  2. “I’m like a Hebrew cheetah.”
  3. “Beans are nothing but soggy nuts.”
  4. “Can we just take a minute to celebrate me?”
  5. “I’m like a sexual snowflake. Each night with me is a unique experience.”
  6. “The economy stinks, bees are dying, and movies are pretty much all sequels now.”
  7. “I’m as mad as a dad in traffic!”
  8. “If you are for one second suggesting that I don’t know how to open a musical, how dare you!”
  9. “There are plenty of things to be down about. The deficit, air pollution in China, The Hobbit wasn’t very good.”
  10. “You were denied a cell phone because you have the credit score of a homeless ghost.”
  11. “Damp towel. Damp! It’s like a really big wet nap. I feel like I’m being licked by a golden retriever!”
  12. “If you need me, I’ll be in my room listening to some mainstream hip-hop.”
  13. “Well, Nick, I’m out of tears. Plumb out. Now, all that’s left is just yellowish goo. That’s right, Nick, goo.”
  14. “Sick people wanted me, dying people wanted to be me. I was the total candy striping package.”
  15. “Schmidt happens.”
  16. “Are you cooking a frittata in a saucepan? What is this — prison?”
  17. “I hate your mustache because I miss your upper lip.”
  18. “I’m the squirrel and you’re my nut. Winter is coming, and I’m gonna store you in my cheek girl.”
  19. “Get rid of it, Jess. Pine has no place in this loft. It’s the wood of poor people and outhouses.”
  20. “I may not actually be Abraham Lincoln, but I witnessed the emancipation of one Black guy tonight… from a terrible relationship.”
  21. “If pot were a piano, Nick would be a nine-year-old Chinese girl.”

Winston

  1. “If I were off my rocker, would I take a weekly selfie with my cat?”
  2. Winston: “That’s like the president and the vice president not being best friends.”
    Nick: “They’re not best friends.”
    Winston: “Come on, everybody knows they’re best friends.”
  3. “Can I interest you in some white noise?”
  4. “Those are pickles in progress.”
  5. “Saturday is a day for sleeping, and damn it, you will not take that away from me!”
  6. “There’s nothing like the feel of a fire, a fresh-baked cookie, and the sweet, sweet taste of crack in your lungs.”
  7. Winston: “They call me Prank Sinatra!”
    Nick: “No, you call you Prank Sinatra!”
  8. “You know what would be nice? A wedding invitation engraved on a plate. What a magical wedding that would be.”
  9. “‘Eye of the Tiger’ is the greatest song ever written. It’s so cool, it ended the Cold War!”
  10. “I’m pretty sure they call her ‘The Fish’ because she’s tough but fair, like a lot of fish I’ve met.”
  11. Jess: “Sometimes I think I was bred in a lab to help people.”
    Winston: “You know what else they bred in a lab? Pugs.”

Coach

  1. “Who’s talking to you, Depression-era garbage man?”
  2. “Keep running or I will murder your family!”
  3. “I need everyone to shut up.”
  4. “Your asses belong to me now.”
  5. “That’s what’s up, that’s what’s up. No doubt. Diggity.”
  6. “I wanna choke you until your eyes literally pop out of your head.”
  7. “I hate when Schmidt cries. He sounds like a ghost singing ‘Hey Ya.'”
  8. “Can’t spell sex without the ‘ex.'”
  9. “I take dumps standing up!”
  10. “Lifehack: Read your phone on the toilet like everybody else.”
  11. “Relationships are prisons.”
  12. “If anything’s cute about Winston, it’s his yawn.”

Cece

  1. “I’m using my bride card!”
  2. “I’ve made out with half of the guys in this room.”
  3. Schmidt: “No sig oths.”
    Cece: “Just say ‘significant others.'”
  4. “Watch your front, because we’ve got your back!”
  5. “You’re drinking on a Tuesday, and you are a teacher.”
  6. “I used to just think if I was proposed to, I would notice it was happening.”
  7. Schmidt: “You like me? You like my personality?”
    Cece: “I was surprised, too.”
  8. “I got your text. When you’re going through a ‘Taylor Swift-like range of emotions,’ I should come over, right?”
  9. “We’re gonna play True American because I want to. I’m using my bride card!”
  10. “The very fact that socks exist is proof shoes don’t work.”
  11. “Just because a scary man yelled his name in your face doesn’t mean you can’t like sake baths.”
  12. “Good luck with these two, because if they get really hungry, then all bets are off.”
  13. “You could have an emotional connection to a shoe on the side of the road.”
  14. “Oh, no. I’m a single adult, and I kissed another single adult. What’s gonna happen?”
  15. “You wanna put money on this?”
  16. “Please don’t make me laugh at you.”
  17. “He’s a total Matthau. He gets you.”
  18. “Picking lint off a man’s sleeve is the most intimate gesture.”