10 Reasons Postpartum Sex Isn’t Happening

mother-and-baby-resting

1. I don’t fucking FEEL like it. I mean, I want to… but I don’t feel like it. You know how sometimes you’re hungry and feel like you’re starving to DEATH, but then nothing really sounds good to eat? It’s kinda like that. I love you, and I want to sex you up, but my brain and my body are not exactly sparking on the same wavelength right now.

2. My boobs are sore. And I just got done feeding our kid out of them, so there’s that, too. But mostly, they’re sore and I don’t want them touched any more today. Maybe ever… But at least not right now.

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3. One or both of us smells like baby vomit. And I might have spit up in my hair. Who can tell anymore? It might just be on the pillowcase, but regardless, it’s not the most romantic aroma.

4. When I asked for a back rub, I actually meant that my back is KILLING me and I’d like a massage. That was not code for “Please grope me and squeeze my ass.” If I could get just a little affection without being mauled, that would be great, thanks. I’m still a little tender in places.

5. There may or may not be a jungle growing downstairs and I don’t think you want to go there. Let’s just say I haven’t seen a tub of wax or a razor blade since before I went into the hospital.

6. The crying is about as sexy as a limp dishrag. Who wants to get busy with all this crying and snot happening every other 30 minutes? Oh no, not the baby. I meant ME. My after-baby hormones are pure insanity. Tears do not make a good lubricant.

7. I feel fat and mushy. No, I don’t mean I emotionally feel like I look fat and mushy. I mean I physically AM fat and mushy. I’m jigglier than a bowl of your grandma’s jello surprise right now.

8. Who’s idea was it to put the baby’s bassinet in OUR bedroom? I don’t know how anyone ever gets to kid #2 before kid #1 moves into their own room. I cannot even fathom trying to concentrate on having a good time while baby snores drift across the same room. Not. Gonna. Happen.

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9. I’ve been on solitary diaper duty for the last 96 hours. Don’t make me start a star chart. Resentment is not an aphrodisiac.

10. I don’t want our children born 10 months apart, thank you very much. Can you blame me?

Related post: Dead Vagina Walking

About the writer

Love Barnett is a work-from-home mom of too many kids to count, trophy wife, and emphatic wielder of the "Because I said so" card. You can find her unbridled perspective into the world of beer, babies, beauty, and baubles on her Facebook page, follow her on Twitter, or if you're feeling adventurous (or bored) you can check out her much-neglected blog Momma Said NO.

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Nicole Slaughter 1 year ago

my daughter is 8 years old and i still HATE sex!!! DON’T TOUCH ME

Jamie Baker 1 year ago

He’s had enough lol. My 2 youngest are 17 months apart. I was clearly joking, but honestly I could of gone without… I’m pretty sure lol

Brandi Pate 1 year ago

I was cleared at 4 wks after the birth of my 1st, and exactly 9 months and 2 days later, I gave birth to twin girls! ( premature birth) so.. I had 3 children born in 2005. For 3 months I can say I have 3 daughters that are the same age!

Fran Connor 1 year ago

We were abt 3wks now tht she’s 2yrs she’s now known as c*ck block

Angel 1 year ago

Each person is different. Maybe we heal quicker or something but usually by the 2nd week everything feels fine down there and I was ready to go. I have three as well, ages 5, 3, and 2. My oldest and youngest are exactly 3 years and 3 day’s apart, and I wouldn’t change it. Having children didn’t kill my libido, it actually made me more secure about myself and body, I mean, come on I just made one of the greatest human miracles ever, right?

Bonnie Nicoll Ciesluk 1 year ago

#4 even still with a 19, 7 and 4 year old! If I don’t want to get it on I have to avoid all affection and contact or it will turn into #4 every time!

Ashley 1 year ago

Ha! Yes indeed

Brook Nicole Hall 1 year ago

Aug 24th, 2011 & Aug. 31st, 2012. Not what I meant to have happen but totally worth it now. :)

Erica Julien 1 year ago

I was cleared at back at it at 3 weeks, and I was ready before that but my doctor wanted me to wait until 3. Everyone is different! I pass no judgement on mamas who have to wait longer.

Lance Silvano 1 year ago

3 years of doing stand up comedy and, not a single joke I’ve written on this site ever did as good as this photo combined with a tasteless caption.

Ashley Mickels 1 year ago

Hahaha that’s awesome

Hollie Smith 1 year ago

I have boys that are the same age for a wk!!!! apparently #10 applies to me!

Ashley Frerk 1 year ago

Haha!!

Micaela Rios Solomon 1 year ago

I waited two weeks and because thats as long as I could hold out.

Shannon Moore 1 year ago

i did it 2 wks after youngest 2, both of which were over 9lbs. but i only had 1 stitch. apparently, my vag is made of rubber or elastic.

Debbie Gross 1 year ago

My baby is almost 8 and #4 and #9 are still true. Although diaper duty is now dishes, laundry, getting kids bathed, etc.

Jenna Muncer 1 year ago

They left out the part about the excruciating pain.

Eleanor Marinelli 1 year ago

Love it.

Charlotte Soos 1 year ago

To quote a childbirth song: its like eating a meal after you’ve just been sick.

SeanandRachel Lafferty 1 year ago

That’s about how it is! Lol!!! Love this Justinand Paige Brown!

Geraldine Huggins 1 year ago

Love this picture.

Justinand Paige Brown 1 year ago

Omg this post literally describes my life. Lmao

Judy Oddo Baumann 1 year ago

When I had my babies way back they said not for 6 weeks. Yeah but that 6 weeks went too fast. Still so tired.

Kilee Zeman 1 year ago

Oh good lord! YES! Exactly my thoughts!! It would be great if you moved two states away, haha.

April Lamkin 1 year ago

Remember when that husband made a chart of every time he asked to get laid, and she refused, and she put him on blast??? I remember many not understanding her reasons. This is probably her reasons. Know it was mine.

Candy KC Satterfield Register 1 year ago

—and here I am, the freak who had sex three times just four days after my c-section and still wanted more. LOL

Jacquie Johnson Albert 1 year ago

All true!

Melanie Hendrickson 1 year ago

Ok my husband and I never even looked or touched each other until 10 weeks out.

Jemma Armitage 1 year ago

Should of listened to this last time I have a nearly 1year old and a 1 month old lol not all shits and giggles …..or mabey it is lol x

Sandra McCrystal Huesing 1 year ago

All men should read and heed this

Tara McGrath 1 year ago

Love. This.

The Dead Vagina Walking article was excellent, too!

Rob Cueny 1 year ago

aww man

Bekah Shadix 1 year ago

My son was 10 pounds, and came out the baby door lol so my lady business was a no fly area for 2 months. Stitches, bleeding, just PAIN. And I was breastfeeding, also have another child, so my exhaustion level was zombie. And I had zero interest. Now, once the baby was sleeping more regularly, and my hormones had calmed down, everything went back to fairly normal. Not as often, I mean, I have 2 kids, and a house to take care of. But I never resented my boyfriend. Well…maybe a bit when I was pushing the giant that is my son out.

Kristine Price Sweet 1 year ago

Word.

Paula Santos 1 year ago

OMG!it’s really gone a happen that way…

Jessica Holyko 1 year ago

I can’t even always make it 6 days, let alone 6 weeks! It happens in my house.

Amanda Potts 1 year ago

If I hadn’t miscarried we would be having baby #2 right around our sons 1st birthday!! Lol so I guess not all mom’s wait. I think I was back on the saddle about 4 weeks postpartum.

Tricia 1 year ago

My three kids are each six years apart. I won’t say it’s entirely because I never regained my sex drive, but that’s only because I don’t want to scare the new mommas. I’m kind of surprised my husband has stuck around.

Erin Rogers 1 year ago

After the 6 wks despite a 10 pound baby, I was pleasantly surprised lol and 6 months later its better than ever. Go figure.

Agnes Gay Johnson 1 year ago

I had zero, and I mean zero, desire towards my now ex for a long time after my one and only was born. Sad, yes, I agree, but the idea of sex made me cringe.

Julie Hillebrand 1 year ago

Ten months postpartum, and I’m still not interested.

Chantelle Marie Foster 1 year ago

Standing slow clap ovation for this woman right here!

Tasha Goy Pope 1 year ago

Exactly. This needs to be handed to the daddies upon discharge from the hospital!!!!

Tina Schnadt 1 year ago

Every man should read, understand and memorize this! I mean, like really REALLY take it in and think about it.

Melissa Allen 1 year ago

#8 is a iie

Jennifer Idrissi 1 year ago

I must be the weirdo. We did it at 3 weeks pp with my first. 5 weeks with my second. Expecting my third and i am super tired compared to the other two. I suppose I will not be as amorous after this time!

Alicia Gray 1 year ago

Umm….does there need to be more than 1? Hello, I just squeezed a baby out of there and it still feels inside out.

Tiffany Zemke 1 year ago

I just remember feeling like everything down there was just going to fall out after I gave birth.

Jennifer Osso 1 year ago

Hell no. And my husband knows better to even f- ing go there. Crazy to believe but their dicks won’t fall off if they don’t get any for a couple months. For those of you moms rearing to go after two weeks.. Just be careful. You are super fertile during postpartum.. That alone scares the shit out of me!

Nex Arcla 1 year ago

God not me. All I needed was a couple of days and I was chomping at the bit. My daughter was late by over a week, my job required me to stand all day, and I was so goddamn happy to see my feet again… When I was finally healed, we celebrated again and again and again with everything we just couldn’t quite do (comfortably) that last trimester.

Amanda Kurstean Matteson 1 year ago

Ha, this was fabulous!

Amy Nicole Pena 1 year ago

It took us almost 2 years to conceive our son, so after he was born we didn’t take birth control very seriously. The photo says it best. Now, our sons are 19 months and 3 months.

Ingrid Castellanos Bugay 1 year ago

I would love to give why postpartum sex does happen

Andrea Hernandez-Yamamoto 1 year ago

Does this only apply at the one year mark because I’m still using most of these excuses and Maddie is two…Jacob is three, Alina is 18 and David is 41. Who cares.

Jessica Powell 1 year ago

We barely made the six weeks but boobs were a no go area until I finished breastfeeding 13 months later haha. There is nothing sexy about boobs when you have an infant hanging off them every two hours and they go off like a cannon every time they are touched.

Tiffany Casey 1 year ago

Can’t really relate to most of this sorry, just like it too much. You guys are crazy LOL.

Abigail Mitchell 1 year ago

5 weeks after my c section

Jennifer Hersey 1 year ago

Postpartum sex is how I ended up with Irish twins. …

AmyJ 1 year ago

Thank you! I feel the same way!

Callie Yaeger 1 year ago

Yeah, I was raring to go as soon as things felt ok down there. I waited the 6 weeks after our first. I didn’t make it past 3 weeks with our second.

Chelsea White 1 year ago

#10 wins! Hahaha!

Tricia Ramos 1 year ago

And then my ex stopped trying to initiate. And then stopped his own personal hygiene maintenance and the baby was 4 when I finally decided it was time to find a real man.

Ashley Allen 1 year ago

This is hilarious and so true, my kids are a week shy of a year apart and you can thank pp sex for that!

Kimberly Pidgeon 1 year ago

Omg. I couldn’t even stand a hug. I did NOT want to be touched AT ALL. Literally made my stomach churn. It was the weirdest thing. I was so hormonal and f-d up.

Denise Moomau Obedoza 1 year ago

I think I’m feeling #4 and 8.

Mary Jessica Crimmins 1 year ago

I have Irish Twins, 11 months apart…still not sure exactly how that happened…but my daughter always has a built-in playmate and they are stressful but a blessing since I was told I would never have children.

Amity A Nash Barboza 1 year ago

Waited for the doc’s ok at the 6 week check up. When we went for it, I swore I met Jesus, the pain was so bad. Yeah, it was quite a while before we tried that again!!

Elizabeth Warde 1 year ago

Ha ha ha ha!!

Theresa Hauge 1 year ago

I just feel guilty even thinking about having sex with my baby sleeping right here. Even if go to another room I couldn’t do it. I dont want Irish twins not to mention I feel like I look like I had twins. My baby is 3 months old and who knows how much longer it will take.

Diane Stephenson 1 year ago

Fantastic article!

Becky Smith-Ortiz 1 year ago

As i was trying to sleep the second night home from the hospital my asshole ex says “Well. There’s always your mouth”

Robin Hamilton-Riddick 1 year ago

Funny but true. I waited 6 weeks it hurted like hell. Went to doctor accused him of stitching me up to far. He laughed I did not. Took nine years for number 2 to arrive and knew I would never have another baby. Today Auguat 24 she is turning 25.

Christen Cowart 1 year ago

Hahahah

Carly Price 1 year ago

This didn’t/doesn’t apply to me at all! Thank god!

Monica Anderson 1 year ago

A-MEN!

Aerin Freno 1 year ago

Episiotomy with every one of mine, and now 3 months prego with my 4th, aint happening for at least 6 weeks, and even then I feel unatractive cause it isnt easy trying to excersize after chilbirth, especially when you tear/are cut from your V to your A, can totally relate to this post!

Alexandria Cruikshank 1 year ago

My girls are 19 months apart… They are close but I I’m going crazy most days. Stay at home mom and husband works 12 hour night shifts 6 days a week. Its all me

Tracy Evans Wilson 1 year ago

Word

Rachael Green-Roche 1 year ago

Real Talk right there!

Hannah Fabiani 1 year ago

“Resentment is not an aphrodisiac” LMAO

Kaylene Lindquist 1 year ago

I love how true this article is and without anything being sugar coated.

Breanna Jones 1 year ago

My oldest was born 11*1*12, second was 10*9*13, and I’m due 12*21*14 this time around. it is what it is!

Millennium Falcon 1 year ago

Yea… No, I wanted sex 4 weeks after my first was born. 2nd came 18 months later… But in my defense it should have been 19 months… Not too bad, right?

Tammy McCoy 1 year ago

A holes. Seriously. Give it a GD minute!!!

Liz McAllister 1 year ago

Well, we made it for 4 weeks. Couldn’t hold him off after that

Adina Clow 1 year ago

Um…
I’m fat, my vag was torn to pieces and stretched from here to Hong Kong, I’m afraid I’ll leak milk all over you, it still hurts to go #2 so I’m sure sex will be worse.
Also, thank God my husband didn’t want to do anything for MONTHS. And I still was afraid to do anything.

Heather Holder 1 year ago

Can’t relate…I was dying for sex during pregnancy and postpartum.
Something is wrong with my who-ha!

Melissa Gonzalez 1 year ago

Was I the only one that was horny as hell and barely made it 4 weeks? With all 3 kids?!?!

Corilee Buck 1 year ago

Waited 3 weeks after mine… I have a singleton that turned 2 in July and 8 mo twins… And still my hubs refuses to turn off his baby factory and I don’t have the time to take off to recover from any type of surgery to turn mine off

Kelly Virginia 1 year ago

My boys are 10 months apart. Oops 😉

Amber Nicole 1 year ago

I had my husband get his vasectomy months before number 4 was born. He had it done and was tested before I was 6 weeks PP. 😀

Sarah Fritz-Maldonado 1 year ago

#10 My kids are going to be 12 months apart almost to the day lol …. This time he better be snipped by then and he’ll be on a drought til April since 3 years in a row I got pregnant end of Feb/ beginning of march smh

Rakel Gaspar 1 year ago

First 2 are 2 years apart and the kicker, my twins are 5 years later…soon to be 4 years old and I am still fat and mushy…how do you tighten up that stretched out mess? My hubby was begging and I was ok and willing but way to exhausted and felt like Bessie the cow feeding those 2. Probably could have taken a 3rd one for as much milk was leaked upon EVERYTHING. I felt way less than sexy then and still far from pre baby clothes.

Karis Sweeton 1 year ago

How can you forget the #1 reason??? Episiotomy! Taint happening.

Christina Lorusso 1 year ago

That is hysterical and so true!!

Sarah Ufton 1 year ago

Was about 3-4 weeks after the first one, we were very used to our sleep and sleep deprivation stopped us for a little bit. Was 6 days after our second! Haha nothing can stop us currently 😛

Trish Conway 1 year ago

Sex is not a “have to” thing. You have to die. You have to pay taxes. You don’t have to have sex until your damn good and ready to. Your body made another human being, and then BIRTHED it into the world. Your vagina got stretched, ripped, bruised and bloodied and stitches. You squeezed something the size of a watermelon out of something the size of a lemon. Your body endured more pain than is actually physically POSSIBLE according to science to do so. Give your body the time it needs to heal, 6 weeks at a min. What kind of shitty human being could not take things into their own hands for awhile? YOur wife just gave you a child for crying out loud!!

Bethany D Morgan 1 year ago

Mine are 13 months apart…..

Amanda Bartlett 1 year ago

Yup.

Cat Ruiter 1 year ago

I would share this if my husband wouldn’t be so upset at the truth lol

Kasey Wilkinson Humphries 1 year ago

Is 3 years later still considered post partum? I keep trying to tell my husband that it is but he is not going for it.

Emily Craig 1 year ago

#9 LMFAO

Heather Nicole Shoemaker 1 year ago

With my second I was horny the day after. My hormones were nuts!

Kitzia Roberts 1 year ago

I love how uncensored and real these real these articles are. Makes me laugh at myself. Everyone else tries to be cutsie with motherhood but this is the real deal!

Lacy Rice 1 year ago

Are we leaving out the fact that the vajoodle was shredded to sh*t while pushing out the little person? I don’t care if it was 4-6 weeks ago. I still didn’t like the idea of anything going back in there, thanks. The only reason it happened after 4 weeks was because big baby acted like he was going to die. I was pressured, which sucks.

John Bowers 1 year ago

OMG its I who has to beg for it. And the child is 11 *sigh*….
IMHO sex, intimacy and affection are life’s greatest stress releases!!!!

Shelly Lynn Redmon 1 year ago

Yeah not me. I begged for it when we were able to.

Sarha Burky 1 year ago

Not sure but me and my husband were having sex 10 days after delivery both times

Lindsey Winter 1 year ago

With my first I was this way until about 6 months pp. with my twin I was ready just four weeks after! My libido is threw the roof right now!

Randi Michelle 1 year ago

I failed as well…..a 5 year old, and 4 year old twins! They were born exactly 13.5 months apart

Miranda Wesley 1 year ago

Still fat and mushy nearly two years post #3. Hubby had his V 18 months ago.

Rennie Clausen-Soir 1 year ago

“Don’t make me start a star chart.” Lol. This chick is hilarious.

Erin Tracy 1 year ago

LOL

Stacy Hotaling 1 year ago

#11 – Pelvic floor dysfunction. That makes for good times.

Wendy Roehr Martin 1 year ago

What??? As soon as everything heals down below, I’m ready to go now. It was my husband pushing me away!

Yana Viteri 1 year ago

Fat and mushy sounded just right!!! Lol

Keegan Michelle Runyon 1 year ago

YES! All of these and I haven’t even had him yet!! I told him sex me up now because in a month you get nothing, but he’s afraid to poke the baby. Puh-lease!!! His loss, I guess, because I was serious about what I said!

Amaris Beth Elkin 1 year ago

Hahaha! My oldest two actually were born 10 months apart! Ha! But my 3 definitely came later on. =)

Jennifer Easlick Potter 1 year ago

I should have held out a little longer than I did. As soon as we could, we did. And then, because Murphy’s Law is a bitch, the condom broke and in a few weeks my husband and I will be the parents of a one year old and a newborn. Yeah. Hold out, ladies. I can’t be a good example but at least I can serve as a horrible warning. Lol

Jenny Kruschke 1 year ago

Haha, well I got pregnant with #2 when #1 was only 3.5 months old, so I failed this l one!

Chelsea Hopson 1 year ago

I wanted it after all 3 of mine. I mean, now that I have 3-ages 5,3, and 1 life is hectic and there are nights that a back rub sounds much better, but having kids didn’t really kill my libido.

Jacquie Hughes McGuire 1 year ago

Thank you! Omg!

Sami Fields 1 year ago

Forget this article! Lol two weeks and I was back at it with the baby in the bassinet lol. No shame! He didn’t know what was going on

Lance Silvano 1 year ago

No Sex MF ers !

Kristine Krafick Marbaugh 1 year ago

Hahahha. YESSS.

Lee Anne Bay 1 year ago

Could. Not. Be. More. True!

Elisa Trauman 1 year ago

OMG yes! Yes! I couldn’t have written it better myself.

But….number 11, my hemorrhoids are flared up and I don’t want ANYTHING within a mile radius near them.

Angel Gearhart 1 year ago

hahahaha

Shana Baker-Flynn 1 year ago

I just tell my husband “I really don’t think we should play with the box the baby came out of yet” lol

Beth Tay Lor 1 year ago

Hahahahah DYING

Kit Novak 1 year ago

Yes!

Ana Villa Eliuk 1 year ago

Hahahaha!!!!

Jamie Baker 1 year ago

18 months is still postpartum right?

Joycelyn Herndon 1 year ago

Lol

Kylie Russell 1 year ago

It’s an individual thing I think. With my 1st child I was a no go zone for many months. Less than two weeks for my second lol.

Haley MacDonald 1 year ago

15mo twins and expecting in 2.5 months. … I fail this one :)