This Is What It's Like To Be VERY Pregnant (And Past Your Due Date)

Whether it’s your first baby or your third, nothing is quite as uncomfortable as being a mom past her baby’s due date. My first baby went to almost 42 weeks and every moment of those last two weeks was agony.

My belly was comically huge. It was way past the “Aww, look, a cup holder” stage and well into the “You will legit knock things over in the store if you turn around too quickly” stage.

Everything made me cry. EVERY. SINGLE. THING. I cried at commercials. I cried at work. I remember sobbing over a grilled-cheese sandwich that had American cheese on it instead of cheddar.

I couldn’t sleep because I had to wake up to pee every 10 minutes. And about half of that time was spent doing a 67-point-turn just trying to get out of the bed.

But the thing I remember most was all the unsolicited advice that people love to give to women in this stage:

“Get that sleep while you can!”

Are you for real, Brenda? No one can sleep when they’re over 40 weeks pregnant. It’s impossible to get comfortable when you have a baby the size of a bowling ball squishing on your internal organs at all times. Yeah, no. If anything, this stage of pregnancy prepares you for your future lack of sleep.

“You won’t stay pregnant forever.”

Wow, thank you for that sage wisdom. You’re like a modern-day Gandhi. Please explain to us again how human reproduction works. It’s not like we’ve been preparing for this for 10 months or anything.

“[Fill-in-the-blank] will put you in labor.”

I tried all of the things that people suggested would kick-start my contractions: Walking, having sex, nipple stimulation, having orgasms (starting to think dudes might have made some of these up), laughing, drinking pineapple juice, more walking, eating spicy food, driving on bumpy roads, acupressure, drinking raspberry leaf tea, even more walking. None of them worked. My water broke at 3 a.m. while I was fast asleep.

“You have more time for meal prep.”

You think super pregnant women have the energy to bake and freeze some lasagnas? They get winded just by standing up from a seated position. Do you seriously think they’re going to bother doing anything where bending over is involved? Leave these poor women alone, Carole.

“The baby will come when it’s ready.”

Who doesn’t like to think of a baby as a cooked turkey getting ready to destroy their pelvic floor? Trust me, women who have made it past 40 weeks are well aware of this fact; they are living proof of it.

The truth is that there isn’t really any advice a woman past her due date wants or needs to hear from anyone except her doctor. All you want is to bitch about how uncomfortable you are and have someone listen and agree that, yes, this does indeed suck.

So vent away!

And if you aren’t a pregnant woman past her due date, zip it, Kathy. Let her vent. She’s been growing a baby for more than 40 weeks and probably can’t remember the last time she saw her vagina. It’s seriously the least that she deserves.