'Did You Buy Diapers?' And Other Questions That Define A Marriage With Kids

Once you’ve been married (or in a long-term partnership) and add kids to the mix, things undoubtedly change. Sure, you tell yourself things won’t change. You might even write into your marriage vows a promise to never let the passion die and to have weekly date nights no matter what.

You tell yourself that you won’t become like “those” couples — you know, the couples who haven’t actually finished a sentence, much less a conversation, for three days because they’re constantly interrupted with “Mo-om, he won’t stop licking me!” and “Daaaaaddyyyyy, My Little Pony is stuck in the toilet again!”

You tell yourselves that you’ll talk about something other than kids and bills, that you’ll make time for long, lingering conversations about things like “passions” and “dreams,” but eventually you realize that you’ve communicated largely in grunts, sighs, and questions that would have made you throw up a little in your mouth when you were all smitten, naïve, and utterly clueless about the adventure known as modern parenting.

Then before you know it, you are one of “those” couples. Don’t worry, it happens to the best of us and it’s okay. It’s called the Question Stage of marriage, and it’ll pass. I think. I’m still waiting.

If you’re wondering whether you might be in this stage, read through this list and see how many times you or your partner have asked any of these questions recently:

How many asses did you wipe today?

Answer: Too many.

Isn’t it your turn to unclog the toilet?

Which is really just another way of saying, Honey, unclog the fucking toilet right now…please.

What’s that smell?

Pro tip: Don’t answer this question. Just clean up whatever it is and move along. Everyone will be better for it.

Do we have any chicken nuggets? Fish sticks? Cereal? Anything?

Another pro tip: Do not answer this question. Just pick up the phone and order pizza. Stat.

Is that cat puke or kid puke?

This will probably be the only time in your life when you will actually hope it’s cat puke.

How many times were you up last night?

Chances are, if either of you is asking this question, you’ve lost track of how many times you were awoken by a crying baby, a restless toddler, or a puking pet. And you are looking for the other person to tag themselves in for the night, so you can catch some shut-eye.

Did you feed the dogs?

Just say yes. And then feed the dogs.

When was the last time the kids bathed? When was the last time I bathed?

In other words, start running the damn bath, buddy. Mama needs a soak.

Wanna turn on a cartoon and have a quickie in the bathroom?

Right after you give the kids a bath, dear.

When will we be able to finish a conversa—?

In about 18 years.

If you find yourself in the Question Stage of your relationship, don’t fret. It’s okay. We’ve all been there, or are still there. Now if you’ll excuse me, I think I hear my husband…asking me another question.