The Rules for Visiting a New Mom

Rules-for-Visiting-a-New-Mom

You know the scene: A close girlfriend has her long-awaited new baby and you feel the need to hightail it to her house to hold that little bundle of joy. In fact, it takes all of your self-control to not show up at the hospital and interrupt the precious few hours that she’ll have staff doting on her around the clock. Either it’s because you love that new baby smell or you think Mama is going to have hurt feelings if you don’t show interest in her newest family member, but regardless, you are going to hold that baby. This is what we do as women, yes?

Au contraire, mon amie. I distinctly remember being two months into motherhood and realizing that I didn’t need or want any more girlfriends stopping by and over-stimulating my colicky, sensitive child with their scary foreign faces, inappropriately loud voices, or refusal to stop bouncing him for even a few minutes. Give the baby a break from the bouncing, ladies. Do you think I want him to get used to that?  No, I don’t, because I’m tired and I don’t want to have to bounce him myself.

I assure you that I would not have been hurt had no one come to visit me at all. Do you think I made this baby by myself?  In fact, I did not. There is a man who lives here to keep me company in the evenings. During the day I was too tired, overwhelmed, and covered in spit-up to care about loneliness, and having company just meant that I’d have to squeeze my fat ass into something that didn’t fit and vacuum the dog hair off the floor.

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Before I became a mother I was one of those girlfriends who showed up just to hold your baby. I hereby publicly apologize to all of the new mommies that I did this to. No mother I know was sitting around, desperately waiting for me to appear at her house empty-handed and hold her baby. I am no Baby Whisperer, believe me.

There was one instance that I arrived at a girlfriend’s house for no other reason than to hold her new baby and then I sat down and ate the dinner that her husband had been preparing for them. Me! I did not just have a baby! Why was I eating her food?  Shameful.

Now I’m a mother and realize that if you want to hold that babe in the first four months before the yummy new baby smell wears off, then there are some rules governing that situation…

• Bring food that you know they’ll like. This means a take-out lunch from a higher-end restaurant and bring enough food so that Daddy has something to eat when he gets home. Chicken, fish, steak, or something that fits their special diet.  Don’t be stingy; buy enough for leftovers. Don’t make something on your own unless it actually tastes good. It’s best to spend a little money and treat them to something nice since it’s going to be a long, long time before they go to a restaurant again. I hate to say it, but if you can’t afford to buy her a decent lunch, then you need to consider whether you can really afford to hold this baby.

• Don’t eat her food. Does Mama have some pulled pork or a rack of short ribs simmering in the crock-pot when you arrive? Don’t you dare accept any of it if she offers. She is being polite and you are not actually a guest. You are an intruder. Remember:  Everything that you don’t eat is leftovers for them tomorrow, so don’t eat anything at all. You can have some water if you get it yourself. You need to be on high alert to recognize fake offers of food/gifts/favors and so on from this woman; she is likely out of her mind from sleep deprivation and doesn’t know what she’s saying, but she will still remember your greediness years later.

One of my friends left a homemade chicken casserole and fresh chocolate chip cookies at our front door and didn’t even need to come inside. The hallmark of a truly excellent friend is one who will knock quietly, put the food on the front porch, then get in the car and drive away.

• Bring a gift, even if you already gave a baby shower gift. Ask Mama what she needs or check her registry for lingering purchases. Don’t get your panties in a bunch about this one; it can be something as simple as a case of pacifiers or replacement pump pieces–  things that only cost a few bucks. Nobody ever said that a gift had to be a surprise in order to be good. When in doubt, ask what diapers they use and bring those. If you buy the cheapest diapers you can find that are imported from Mexico, she’ll be dealing with scratchy leaky diapers and cursing your name at 4am.

• Snap Away. If you’re a semi-pro photographer, bring your camera and your most flattering lens. Don’t try to sell her the portraits later. Send them for free.

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• No summer dresses in winter. Don’t bring size-inappropriate-for-the-season clothing that suits your taste and not theirs. Babies grow fast. Use your brain.

• Don’t bring decorative kick-knacks. As much fun as you might think it is, no mother wants you to decorate her new baby nursery. Decorating the nursery is strictly relegated to mom and dad and you can keep your over-sized stuffed animals, picture frames, and inspirational quotes out of it. Nobody wants something extra to dust around when they have a new baby. Don’t make Mama waste a stamp graciously thanking you for some random thing you dug up at Tuesday Morning that she never wanted in the first place.

• Make yourself useful. Is your new-mother friend one of those controlling types who doesn’t want anyone helping with her housework?  Your friend needs to get over it because in about 8 months that baby is going to be mobile and her days of being in control of her surroundings are officially a thing of the past.

Do the dishes. If the kitchen sink is full of dishes, turn on the water, rinse them off, and start loading them up in the dishwasher. Load them smart because you know how much we hate it when the dishwasher is loaded wrong. Don’t halfheartedly ask Mama if maybe you can help out in some way because she’s going to say no even though she means “God, yes, please someone help me for once.” Just do it.

• Or the laundry. Look around and spy a pile of clean clothes that needs to be folded? Do you have two working hands?  Fold the laundry, even the underwear.

• Be that friend. One of my friends not only brought food and a gift, but she called from the drugstore to see if I needed anything (indeed, I did need nursing pads for those leaky boobs no one warned me about) and started putting away all of the odds and ends that belonged in the baby’s closet that I couldn’t reach because of my c-section. When she asked what she could do it wasn’t really a question as much as it was a statement and request for orders.

Another girlfriend came over with her husband for an afternoon. He sat in a chair and rocked the baby while she cleaned my kitchen spotless, including shining up the stainless steel of the refrigerator. What did I do?  I took a bath and washed and dried my hair for the first time in a week. You know when your hair gets so dirty that the roots hurt? That was my hair.  I had an entire hour to myself where I wasn’t listening for the baby to cry for the first time since becoming a mother two months prior. When I tried to check on the baby in the living room she whispered, “Get out of here. He can smell your milk.”

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But not THAT friend. I can honestly say that there were a few visitors during that time of my life who had me thinking, “I’m being held hostage by this tiny person who just threw up in my eyes and you didn’t even bring me anything?” Don’t be that friend. Learn from me, the reformed do-nothing baby holder. Last summer when a friend had a new baby, I brought a small gift and lunch whenever I went to see her because I knew she felt so overwhelmed. These days I don’t even give birthday presents without asking Mama what the little one needs, or if my gift idea is alright with her.

If you’ve been a blatant do-nothing baby holder in the past, fear not. Make a mental note to buy the child a special gift for their next birthday party and rest easy knowing that at some point, your day of having vomit in your eyes will come and you will find yourself wondering what the hell these baby-holding friends are doing in your house.

Related: 10 Tips on How to be a Good Friend

About the writer

Robyn divides her time between wondering where those 30 points of IQ snuck off to after the birth of her first child and silently judging parents who let their kids eat red dye #40.

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Steph 2 days ago

I really doubt all moms of newborns expect this. A gift, expensive food, and cleaning service upon every visit?

Cat 3 months ago

Nics I am an auntie to several lovely children and every time one of them was born I took food and did small chores. I thought it was pretty crazy to expect all of those things in the list too! The comment if I can’t afford a “decent meal” I can’t afford to see a baby just bothered me.

Cat 3 months ago

You don’t need a friend you need a maid and a personal assistant. As an auntie to multiple kids I do my best to be helpful. I’m not paying for expensive meals and running all the errands. I also want to hold the snuggly baby that the parents are going to want me to care for in the future. Finally, if you need help you ask for it just like everyone else. Especially if a person doesn’t have a lot of experience with children.

Stephanie 3 months ago

I wish I had the chance to say goodbye to my best friend. :(

lihe 3 months ago

I’m the mother of four nearly-grown, kind, well-adjusted people. I was thrilled when people were thoughtful enough to bring gifts for the siblings as well as the baby and me, and to pay attention to them; they already had quite enough to adjust to in no longer having as much of me as they had before, and compassion meant taking into account how they must feel, and doing things to reassure them that they were still just as loved and valued as before. A positive side effect was that that it cut way down on jealousy and sibling rivalry. Acknowledging all that isn’t “teaching them they’re the center of the universe.” It’s smart and it’s kind and it makes the entire family happier. When you expect too much from a child who isn’t developmentally ready for it, you risk creating all kinds of behavioral issues. As well as hard-ass adults, apparently.

lihe 3 months ago

Seriously. Mine brought me an orchid as an after-birth gift. I know nothing about orchids, and though I did actually try, I couldn’t keep it alive. When she saw that it had died she got huffy and said, “Well, if you weren’t going to take care of it I wouldn’t have bought it for you.” And this was a person who had always been thoughtful and kind to me, so it was very hurtful. Sometimes people are so clueless. Dude, it’s not about you. I just had a baby, I’m exhausted. Give me a break.

Faye 3 months ago

My cousin visited when my youngest as to weeks old…and brought her gaggle of FOUR small children whom all had runny noses and wanted to kiss the baby. As much as I adored her children, I had to ask her to leave until the kids were all well. Unfortunately, (well maybe not), she never visited or spoke to me again.
Newborns my not have immunity to children with possibly unwashed hands or sniffles. Leave them with Grandma for your visit to welcome the baby.

Marie 4 months ago

Hated having visitors! I just wanted to be alone with my new baby and husband ! Everyone came and expected me to be ready to party and I just wasn’t. Also- do not bring your dirty four year old to the hospital !!! Germs germs germs and I don’t want to see you either . Next time I will say my piece. No visitors at least in the beginning.

Tracy 4 months ago

That was a great comment. My kids are 10 and 12 but I remember how people imposed themselves upon us and created more work and stress to this already stressed, depressed, hormonal mom. Not to mention they were all in shape and back on their feet. My MIL had the audacity to expect ME to play hostess when I was caring for my colicky baby. I felt even more alone amid their presence. I think it would be nice for family and friends, even the husbands, to realize what the new mom has been through and offer some common courtesy and respect boundaries. I would never expect somebody to buy me high-end take-out or help, just keep visits brief and don’t linger if mom needs to tend to a crying, colicky baby.

Octavia 4 months ago

I always appreciated when people stopped by to see my babies, just keep it short and sweet and don’t expect the new mom to serve you! I was so lonely with my first baby in the beginning, none of my family was near by when I gave birth and it was a complicated delivery. I was newer to the area. My MiL did by me groceries so that was nice. And I did get flowers sent to me too :)

When people did (eventually) visit most brought something special for the baby or me, nothing big, just heartfelt. It was nice. Some interesting points in this article. People are so different, it is hard to know what to do sometimes. I will definitely keep this in mind for the future.

Monica Palconio 4 months ago

I TOTALLY agree.

I also HATE that this blog author propels the stereotype that all women swoon over babies. “This is what we do as women, yes?” – No, not all women have to love babies. There is nothing wrong with women who don’t have babies, don’t want babies, or don’t enjoy the company of babies.

This stereotype harms women as a whole, and it alienates women who don’t have these feeling towards babies and children. It causes people to look at you like an alien when you tell them you don’t have children, or don’t want children. There shouldn’t be anything wrong with that! And there isn’t! And making comments like “women all swoon over babies because that’s what we do” doesn’t help the case.

Sarah 4 months ago

Also, just to add…
True friends will probably know all of these things anyway. True friends can come over without you worrying about what your house will look like. True friends are people you can tell, “hey, I’m exhausted and haven’t had a chance to do X, Y, and Z… as you can see by the dishes piled high and the mountain of dog hair.” Realistically, it won’t matter to that friend. They’ve come to see you and your baby, not to clean your house. Not to pamper you.

Sarah 4 months ago

While humourous, I really don’t agree with most of what was written in this post.

I especially dislike the statement that reads, “if you can’t afford to buy her a decent lunch, then you need to consider whether you can really afford to hold this baby.” First, I’m not quite sure why someone’s financial status would have an impact over whether or not a friend should want to see the new baby.

Second, it’s not a friend’s job to buy food, gifts, or presents for a new mom.

I am a new mom, and I DO NOT expect my friends to be my maids or spend money on me, regardless of the situation – new mom, stressful job, death in the family, etc. It’s a kind gesture, yes…. but it’s not necessary. Telling people that they need to bring food and gifts and clean is pretty ridiculous.

New moms need to appreciate that their friends want to meet her new family member. I love that people want to meet my son! The only major thing that a new mom needs to make clear to friends is that SHE and her partner decide when you can come over to see the baby. Friends should not just drop by unannounced. If they do, tell them it’s not a good time for you, and they should understand.

This post really peeves me. Yes, being a new mom is hard, but remember – we chose this path. There are many things I’ve done in life that have been difficult also, and as a new mom, I don’t use this as an excuse to have friends pamper me with presents and house cleanings and food.

Ashley 4 months ago

PS – Glad to see so many awesome normal moms on this thread that agree!

Ashley 4 months ago

This article is a joke. You had a baby, not cancer. Bring “high end food” and “do the dishes or the laundry”….”bring a gift even if you already brought one.” New moms should be happy to have their friends come see their baby, not leverage them to do things or bring things. People treat motherhood like it’s the hardest thing in the world these days. In fact, it is not. Sure, it’s challenging but not to the point where you need your friends to clean your house or bring you special food. Buck up New Moms! Articles like this should be for people who truly need assistance – like those who are sick.

Meredith 4 months ago

I’m sorry, but that IS incredibly rude behavior. As someone whose mother and mother in law both passed away from cancer, I would give anything to be able to have them come over and help me with my newborn. Some of you people need to stop being so picky and realize the blessings you have in your life. A week may not seem like a long time to you, but a week could be the difference between a grandmother getting to meet her grandchild or never lay eyes on him/her at all. Gladys, I am so sorry you have to deal with such pettiness.

Jane 5 months ago

Is he still alive? And if so, is he living alone with the dog? XD

Katharine 5 months ago

Our 2yo grandson looked around at all the gifts he’d helped unwrap and asked of his newly born sister, “And who brought that baby here?”

Lily 6 months ago

I’m in the trepidatious period; my close friend who I’ve know for over 15 years will not accept any visitors or help. I poured my heart out and begged her to tell me what she needed inc. leaving her alone & shopping/cleaning. Two days later she said ‘she is really cute, we’re all gaga. Want a girls day out soon and pedicures’ This is 2 weeks in. I realise there is no normal, it is now almost a month and she will have no visitors. She is isolated with no neighbours and no car, am I being paranoid? Is the food & essentials at the doorstep the right idea? I think I just need permission to butt out but I’m worried she isn’t coping. Thank you! Lily

Ultimate Hampers 6 months ago

Bring me wine, cause its been so dam long I need it, sushi, seafood and ham – anything I wasn’t allowed to eat for 9months BRING IT ON. Oh and my ankles who went MIA mid way through my pregnancy!

The best gift I received was a meal delivery voucher thing for those nights I didnt have time or the energy to cook.

Dr. D. 6 months ago

BRING ME THINGS! BUT NOT CHEAP THINGS! AND DONT TOUCH THE BABY!

I’m sure the visitors were really lined up to enjoy such pleasant company.

Tilly 7 months ago

I HATE this article. It makes me so angry. Please don’t listen to this mean and bitter woman. I LOVED having friends visit me and my new babe, and can’t wait for my next one to arrive in the next few days so everyone can visit again :-) I absolutely don’t expect anybody to cook or clean for me and don’t need any gifts, especially if they’ve already given me something at the baby shower. The only advise I give to friends is to just send a quick text message before popping over, mum will let you know if it’s not good timing. So for all my wonderful friends, please come over for cuddles!

tia 7 months ago

Oh how I wish my in-laws would read this.. The insist on coming over everyday just to hold our new born twins. And some how they always wait until I’m breasting on of the babies to try to hand me back the other because they need a diaper changed.. I want to post a sign that says you can only hold the baby if you are willing to change a shitty diaper. Otherwise let the baby sleep.

Anon 7 months ago

How about… NO!!! I’m not here to be your personal slave, to be barked orders by someone I thought was my friend. Funny how none of my friends who had babies gave me a list like this. I guess I just have friends how are not arrogant and don’t feel like the world owes them a favour for having babies!

“if you can’t afford to buy her a decent lunch, then you need to consider whether you can really afford to hold this baby”… are you actually fucking serious?? My financial situation is now a barrier to me having anything to do with your baby?? Well y’know what, you self-righteous moron…? If you write out a list like this for your friends, you need to consider if you really deserve any friends! And hopefully you have none left!

Angela 7 months ago

I got so mad when I had mine. I had him on the 14th of august and my hubby’s cousin got married on the 16th. The morning of the 16th, my sister came to visit and took pictures of the baby ( my and hubby’s first) and posted them on facebook. The aunt who was the cousin’s mother had a fit just because another one of hubby’s aunts saw the picture and rushed over to show hubby’s grandmother during the reception. It made me so mad as my sister wanted to share the moment with the rest of my friends and family but it’s my fault because, unbeknownst to me, another aunt made a big deal out of it during the wedding. My family is allowed to share things between each other. If his family doesn’t realize what is polite or socially acceptable, that’s not my fault. It’s bad enough that they were upset we didn’t go. They tried to make hubby go but he said he was staying with me and besides I didn’t get discharged until evening, but that was my fault to, apparently.

Natasha 7 months ago

Is there something wrong with you?! Pacifiers, burp cloths, or nursing pads (just to name a few) have never broken anyone’s pocket book!! I got a lot of duplicates of things I didn’t need or use and wasn’t able to exchange. Even before I became a mother, I used my head and shopped off the registry!!!!!!

Angela 7 months ago

what the f***? should I pay for your stupid bad decisions? FO! stop having babies dumb women, I don’t have money for paying for your stupid mistakes………. can I do a shower for another projects? NO because a baby is suposed to be the greatest thing in this world and IS NOT.

A_Catk 7 months ago

I will never to this day forget the first time my mother-in-law and father-in-law visited our house after our son was born. I had had a C-section 3 days ago. My husband was busy upstairs with the baby, and my father-in-law walked into the house, sat on the couch, looked at me and said, “[My name], I’ll take a cappuccino.” I hadn’t even offered anyone a drink!! My mother-in-law just sat there and didn’t offer to make it for him. I am not very tall (barely 5 feet), and had to get on a stool and reach up high to get a mug down. I’m lucky I didn’t rip my stitches open! The best part was, less than a year later he had major surgery and I was sooooo very tempted to go to their house a few days after he got home from the hospital and ask him to make me a cappuccino!! My husband wouldn’t let me… LOL

mamaof2 7 months ago

wow, this is really self absorbed… i get that new mamas need space and time and calm and quiet. and i do many of these things for my friends/family who have kids… i bring food/take out, i offer to walk their dogs, take siblings out to play, keep visits short/sweet, don’t ask to hold baby, don’t bring my own kids, etc… i try to bring things that might help mama out (snacks are super helpful)… but i don’t think shaming women who don’t do these things is helpful. and i appreciated visitors… not all in a day. but i wanted to share my child with my friends – i wanted them to meet and love my children.. i could only handle 1 visit a day, or every two days, and i was very honest with friends who wanted to come over… i was also blessed with friends/family who brought over food for me, a neighbour i had never met before cooked me an amazing dinner (for myself and my 2 year old) after my daughter was born and brought it over ready to eat… i will never forget that… i think we need to be grateful for what we have in our lives, the love and friendships we have, and not alienate people without kids by having crazy unreasonable and really rude expectations (clean my bathroom?! really?! i don’t even like my mom or sister trying to do that let alone a friend)…

Victoria 7 months ago

That’s horrible and selfish! I love being with my friends and I HATE that they try to clean my house or bring me food… that’s the most stupid thing I’ve ever read about being a new mum. I’m so sorry for your kids

Ashley 7 months ago

Love this! So true. It really hurt that I didn’t have any friends or family offer to help with chores around the house after my emergency c-section. Not one. They wanted to come hold the baby so I could do the chores my doctor specifically told me I couldn’t do. It was really nice to have several people offer to bring meals however, but they would show up at 7:30pm and then want to hang out with the baby for an hour. This made me go through the roof during week 3 when our daughter went through her growth spurt and had day/reversal. She’d nap from about 7-9pm then she’d be up ALL NIGHT LONG. (I’m not kidding, I stayed on the couch and watched tv and drank decaf coffee to make it through each night). And friends would sit there holding her while she slept during that two hour evening time telling me I should sleep when she did. Ha! I guess I was the only one that truly saw the irony in that…

Cara 8 months ago

This is an absolute joke. I’ve never heard of a more ungrateful person than the one who wrote this article. You just had a baby–you’re not handicapped. People may bring you meals for the first week or so, but in no way should you expect people to bring you meals for the remainder of your maternity leave. There isn’t a cost or “fee” that should be paid in the form of food to visit your family member’s baby. Family comes first. Period. Second, “you’re not a guest, you’re an intruder”. Are you serious? The people who love and care about you and love your new offspring are now categorized as intruders? Get off your self-entitled pedestal and step back down into reality. You’re not a celebrity and neither is your baby. You don’t have the right to treat your dear loved ones and close friends as if they’re suddenly below you or as if your baby is made of gold and they should “only be so lucky” to see your precious child. This is an insult to every single one of your friends and family, and to be honest, would be no surprise at all if after reading this article your friends list significantly decreased. Try being appreciative of your newborn child and the people that love and supported you through this whole process. Some people aren’t so lucky when it comes to procreation and would kill to be in your shoes, and here you are writing a self-important, ungrateful, insulting and down-right bitchy article about something that is supposed to be the most beautiful time in your life. Check yourself and try counting your blessings for once.

Cara 8 months ago

This is an absolute joke. I’ve never heard of a more ungrateful person that the one who wrote this article. You just had a baby–you’re not handicapped. People may bring you meals for the first week or so, but in no way should you expect people to bring you meals for the remainder of your maternity leave. There isn’t a cost or “fee” that should be paid in the form of food to visit your family member’s baby. Family comes first. Period. Second, “you’re not a guest, you’re an intruder”. Are you serious? The people who love and care about you and love your new offspring are now categorized as intruders? Get off your self-entitled pedestal and step back down into reality. You’re not a celebrity and neither is your baby. You don’t have the right to treat your dear loved ones and close friends as if they’re suddenly below you or as if your baby is made of gold and they should “only be so lucky” to see your precious child. This is an insult to every single one of your friends and family, and to be honest, would be no surprise at all if after reading this article your friends list significantly decreased. Try being appreciative of your newborn child and the people that love and supported you through this whole process. Some people aren’t so lucky when it comes to procreation and would kill to be in your shoes, and here you are writing a self-important, ungrateful, insulting and down-right bitchy article about something that is supposed to be the most beautiful time in your life. Check yourself and try counting your blessings for once.

Rivka 8 months ago

My Parents- (Yes MY Parents- not my husbands…) Came to us in Israel in time for our sons circumcision- (8 days after birth). I was really excited and hoping to have a helping hand and some understanding that I JUST had a baby….
Well Long story short, it was my mothers first time in Israel, she wanted to see the sites, an couldn’t understand why I didn’t want to come with them on a hike 10 days after birth…and why I was understandably upset that they didn’t want to stay in the house with us when I haven’t seen them in months…
Aside for the fact that the left us more dishs and laundry instead of doing ours we did theirs…

Oksana 8 months ago

You’re the one who has no emotional maturity to ask for help outright, to tell people they’re not welcome or to let them know when they outstay their welcome. With this behaviour, you’ve collected a bunch of trash in your pre-baby life that you call friends (though there’s appears to be one or two decent ones). You are a person who cannot protect her personal space and is angry with herself for it. I am a person who has no problem with letting people know that I cannot spare any time – right there on the doorstep – or with not offering them my food when I don’t want their company for dinner, don’t have enough food or both. Expecting them to guess your thoughts or second-guess your falsity when you offer them stuff you really don’t mean to offer is a typical energy vampire behaviour: you create unfavourable circumstances around yourself and then indulge in pure attention seeking by playing a victim, the “poor me” card. I will not even go into your demands that visitors pay to see the baby by bringing top notch offerings and doing stuff for you except saying that you get out of friendships what you put into them so that might possibly show what kind of a friend you’d been herself. You should have spent some time maturing and growing up before you had that baby because it seems you’re still a baby yourself.

Rudeness 8 months ago

You should be ashamed of yourself! Expecting gifts and judging those who didn’t bring any? Get over yourself.

Blakely 8 months ago

Entitled. Disgusting.

Frustrated 8 months ago

What happened to being grateful for having friends that were supportive and kind? Why keep people in your life that wouldn’t know basics of visiting? Be grateful for gifts, even if u have to regift. Thank people for bringing food even if it’s not your favorite? Being a new mom doesn’t mean you get everything the way you want it. This is rude!!

Courtney 8 months ago

It is helpful to know what is useful to new moms, however, I feel like this list is really entitled and presumptiuous. When friends come to welcome your new bundle they are taking time out of their hectic busy schedules to show they care. If they find time to bring a meal and you don’t like it, do not take it to be a personal slight but appreciate the time someone took to prepare a meal. As for expecting a gift with the visit, I feel that this is so rude and just puts so much pressure on people in a day when money is tight and you could be buying a gift each week if you allowed yourself to get caught up in it all. As far as expecting your guests to do your housework, this depends on how comfortable you feel to allow visitors to do work for you. Remember people are carving out time from their days to celebrate with you and having expectations and rules like the ones stated above only creates an atmosphere of judgement and discontentment. Please stop making black and white lists that people will most likely fall short of.
Enjoy those who come to celebrate with you, even if they bring a meal you hate and just hold your baby the whole time.

Jerusha 8 months ago

this list is absolutely crazy. You’re a new mom, not the center of the universe. No one should expect these things. I have two kids and would never expect all of this from anyone. Don’t be a psycho just because you gave birth, billions of people have done it, you’re not special.

Minoka 8 months ago

Yes! I learned that the hard way with my 1st!

Minoka 8 months ago

A few more would be don’t make your fresh from unplanned completely au natural warp speed middle of the night with no real sleep childbirth wife have to have your mother and sil who have been total b’s to you the whole pregnancy sit in the room for hours while all she wants to do is sleep and not leave until she’s having to room in with the baby because of no room in the nursery.

Also, if at all possible, don’t make your wife have to stay at your parents house with your sil and MIL trying to tell her how to parent and undermining her, along with demanding she be social when in addition to giving birth recently, she also has a really nasty cold and has been breastfeeding a sick newborn with a tongue tie who needs to gain back to her birth weight.

I honestly would have been better off if I had gone back to the house on my own with the baby and my middle one and he could have just stayed there with our oldest and took him to school. I had frozen meals made and waiting in the freezer along with a stock pile of diapers at the house but no, we had to stay with mommy dearest……

Steve 8 months ago

you are awful, terrible people. Never read a more selfish blog. Disgusting

Nicole 8 months ago

This. So much this. I think many of the people commenting negatively are extroverts and/or social people. I’m not a parent, but I am an introvert so I totally get why a new mom would want to be alone/want people who insist on being around her to at least help decrease her energy output in some other way. This article was obviously presented in a funny and sarcastic manner, and I’m sure she would never actually hand this list to any of her friends or actually say these things to them. It’s just general “keep in mind” advice (that can be picked around the sarcasm and snark) that is particularly helpful for non-parents (such as myself).

Nicole 8 months ago

After having a baby, she probably doesn’t want her friends around just for the “benefit”. Being around another person takes a *ton* of energy, and I’m sure when you’re already sleep deprived and exhausted from both labor and the work of taking care of a baby you don’t have any more energy to expend on anything else. I’m not a parent, but I know that even after just working a hard day and feeling physically or emotionally drained the last thing I want is having someone else around – unless they are wiling to just sit quietly with me and don’t expect me to feed them, entertain them, or keep up a quality conversation. It’s not that I necessarily dislike that person, I just don’t want to be around anyone at all. The only way for some people to re-energize is by being alone, so if people are constantly around a new mother when all her other energy is already being sapped, she’s going to lose it pretty quickly.

Nicole 8 months ago

I don’t think she’ll have a problem with this. If you don’t want to see her baby, then don’t go over to her house, and everyone is happy. I think her point is that if you absolutely must see the baby in the first few months after it was born, without being invited, then do something nice and helpful in return. If you don’t have an urge to see the baby, then don’t. She’s ranting against people who insist on visiting without being helpful, not people who don’t visit at all.

Nicole 8 months ago

This is great. I haven’t had any close friends who have had kids (yet), but my reaction to my acquaintances and distant friends having a baby has been to drop all contact and wait for them to contact me. If they don’t, then I know that I was probably on the list of people they can’t make time for with their extremely busy schedule. I don’t mean that sarcastically, either, I legitimately understand that there are going to be people that you don’t see or contact anymore once you have a baby. That baby is now the single most important thing in your life, and since it takes up so much of your time and energy it’s simply not possible to have everything (and everyone) in your life that you had before.

I’m not sure I’d do any of these things with anyone to whom I wasn’t particularly close (I’m still the stay away until they give the okay type of person, there) but now I know what to do if I ever have a close friend who has a baby. Now, are these things legitimately helpful? Or are they just things that you need to do to make up for the fact that you felt like barging in on another person’s home without being invited? Do new parents ultimately prefer everyone else to just leave them alone for the first four to six months, regardless of how close of a friend you were, before? If that’s the case, I have no problem controlling myself from contacting them for that time period – I simply want to do whatever is best for the new parents.

Holly 8 months ago

Awe I had a well meaning family member tell EVERYONE to not visit and leave me alone. I was sooooo lonely and thought noone cared. My next three babies i made sure people knew to come share the joy of a new baby with us! It was so much fun and babies benefit from all that love people have to give. Everyone was happy to wash their hands and if they were sick were cosiderate not to
come. Not to mention noone came empty handed! I did not have to cook for weeks and my baby was more fashionable than me!

Nicole 8 months ago

There’s definitely a time to teach children that the world does not revolve around them, and while the birth of a new child can definitely be a teachable moment it can also cause some pretty severe emotional turmoil, particularly in a young only child. To them, the baby is getting gifts, Mom is getting gifts, even Dad might get a few gifts, and the only person in the family who is being left out is them. They’re likely already feeling completely ignored and abandoned, which cannot be completely avoided, and their entire world has completely changed. Everything else that is happening is already a teachable moment: they probably can’t play the game they want to because the baby is sleeping, Mom can’t read them a bed time story like she always does because the baby is nursing, Dad can’t play pretend because the baby needs changing, they can’t watch a movie because it might wake the baby, they have to skip their ballet/martial arts/soccer class that week because of the baby, they might have a babysitter picking them up from school because Dad works and Mom is with the baby, they might have to share a room with the new baby, they might not be getting as much sleep at night because everyone in the house is woken up by the baby, plus everyone who comes over to visit pays absolutely no attention to them and only cares about the baby. That’s very frustrating for a young child, and while they need to learn to deal with it, expecting them to just “adult up” and do so immediately is only asking for emotional outbursts or negative behavior.

A small gift such as a coloring book and crayons (something that keeps them busy and out of Mom and Dad’s hair, no one is saying they should be given a pony or a playstation) with a “Congratulations on becoming a big brother/sister!” can make them feel important and included, and helps ease those negative feelings. After all, becoming a good older sibling is a big achievement. This should be an important time for them, too, and the celebration is as much about the family as a whole as it is about the baby.

Nicole 8 months ago

I’ve got one better. About a month before a family friend was due with her second child (her first was two at the time), her husband (yes, you read that right, her own husband) bought her a puppy. And not just any puppy: a twelve week old border collie. She was *thrilled* (sarcasm heavily implied).

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Not a Mommy 8 months ago

Oh yes, people giving you gifts is SUCH a pain! Don’t they know you just want to take their stuff with no strings attached? :( seriously, at least people are giving you gifts. Be thankful!

Not a Mommy 8 months ago

Amen to that!

Judy Parsons 9 months ago

The best hint I ever got was at a La Leche League meeting: Wear a nightgown for the first 2-3 weeks (or longer). When someone stops over, you can either say “oh, I was just going to bed” OR “I was just getting up, let me throw something on” depending on how you feel. Somewhere I read if you are the “live-in help” after a baby is born, let the momma take care of the baby; YOU take care of everything else.

Julie 10 months ago

This is the snottinest thing I have ever read. Don’t worry – I don’t want to hold anyone else’s baby, let alone if it means seeing someone like you. I somehow kept hoping this was satire. While I appreciate ettiquette, this is the opposite – you are being rude to friends. Get over yourself.

Teresa 10 months ago

Amen!

Teresa 10 months ago

Absolutely!

Teresa 10 months ago

Thank you, thank you, thank you! This whole thing really comes off so selfish and ‘me, me, me’! That’s what is wrong with this world! There are a couple of things I agree with, but for the most part, I couldn’t disagree more with how it’s presented. I believe that you should be gracious to those who want to love on you and your new little one and you should never ‘expect’ anything but be grateful if you do receive something, no matter what it is. Remember, it’s the thought that counts. And even if you think you do, you may not fully know what all is going on in the life of that friend who ONLY brought you a frozen lasagna and bag of lettuce. Maybe they are going through a rough time and/or can’t afford food from a high-end restaurant!

erica 10 months ago

This is the most arrogant thing I have ever read in my entire life. Grow up.

Kris 10 months ago

You could be thankful anyone cares enough to come see you instead of demanding gifts from them…. WOW.

Katie Richardson 10 months ago

Not a good time come back later I hate when my spell check messes up :p

Katie Richardson 10 months ago

How is it being “selfish and entiled” when you just pushed a watermelon through your vajay and want peace?? It would make me super mad if I had been trying all day to make my baby sleep just so some one can wake them up? Hell no! I’d tell them not a good to.e co s back later if you have a problem with it that’s on you. You didn’t just go throuh hell to have a baby and then be bothered by people who only want you to make them happy? That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard!! Ok rants over btw I’m 7 months pregnant and already have no filters when it comes to my baby lol

Jessica 11 months ago

YES.

Jessica 11 months ago

This is the most entitled and ignorant thing I have ever read. Thank god I don’t have friends like this.

laura 11 months ago

I was always bad at bringing stuff. However, I wasn’t a total failure. I was more the friend that showed up empty handed, took the baby, and demanded that mama shower/nap/eat. What ever she needed to do. I wasn’t a stranger to diapers and crying….I didn’t mind.

Julie 11 months ago

I guess I was the weirdo who welcomed company. I was lonely and happy to have friends or family there to hold my kids so I could shower, eat a sandwich, or just sit there. Of course, my friends were all great about bringing food and wine and gifts and helping throw in a load of laundry or dishes. And when I invitd my friends to stay and eat whatever was in the crock pot, I meant it. I wouldn’t ask them if I didn’t. I also would tell them Ihad enough if I wanted them to leave. Friends understand.

Laurel 11 months ago

Yeah, last I checked, Ms. Goat never drops by unannounced, visit Heiffy, the new calf, selfishly expecting to be able to be doted on while Ms. Cow hasn’t had a second of just plain silence to collect herself. Do you even have kids?

I’m just assuming you’ve never pushed another human being out of YOUR vagina, had one cut from YOUR uterus, or in any other way had a child crash land in YOUR life.

Neither have I, but watching friends experience this amazing, incredibly tough part of life, I know one thing for sure:
NO amount of preparation is enough.
Most women don’t find out the absolute second they’re pregnant, so most of the time, they have at most 7-7.5 months to get ready–and who knows how long it takes to get past the vomiting warfare and exhaustion to have the energy to get ready.
And even with the most loving spouses doing all they can to help, they’re BOTH sleep-deprived, and at least one of them is still working full time, away from home–in some instances for weeks at a time. BOTH parents need whatever support that can given.

Jetix 11 months ago

I’m glad I’m not your friend and pray I never turn into your ungreatful and mean self.

Greg 11 months ago

Gonna let you in on a little secret: Most people don’t really give a shit about your baby, and fawn over it only because we love you and feel like that’s the sort of attention you’d like for the baby. This whole article smacks ingratitude.

kiki 11 months ago

Am I the only one that thinks this list is a bit over the top? I would never have dreamed of being annoyed if a friend (who already bought my child a present) to keep bringing gifts whenever they come over :/ Also someone mentioned don’t bring their kids when you visit, so what they pay for a sitter just to visit a friend? I also wouldn’t be cheeky enough to think my friends visiting my child should do my housework or bring me food all the time.

plasticcup 11 months ago

Well jeeze, it’s not her freakin kid, so it’s really too bad if she “wanted to snuggle with HER grandson.” It’s up to the parents whether she gets to see the baby AT ALL.

plasticcup 11 months ago

I agree. If you are a single parent, that’s one thing, but if you have a partner at home who is NOT giving birth, why can’t they handle the laundry and the cooking for a few days?? And hello, you have NINE MONTHS to prepare for the baby ahead of time. You can certainly make and freeze meals and stockpile diapers and formula. It’s not like you wake up one day and there’s suddenly a baby- unless you have a preemie (and if you do, it’s completely understandable that you’d be caught unawares), you should be prepped and ready.

Almost all animals give birth, they seem to manage just fine.

plasticcup 11 months ago

Really?! There’s nothing wrong with teaching a kid that he/she isn’t the center of the universe.

What are they going to do when they go to a classmate’s birthday party and have to watch SOME OTHER KID get presents, while they get nothing? Life isn’t always balanced or fair or whatever. Older siblings will have many moments in their lives where they will need to suck it up and do/not do something for their younger sibling. For example, I’m the oldest of four. When I was 9, our grandparents surprised us with a trip to Disney World. I was stoked; what kid wouldn’t be, right? Unfortunately, my siblings were significantly younger than me and couldn’t go on many of the rides I wanted to. My parents had us choose activities we could all enjoy as a family, and allowed me to go off with some older cousins once or twice so I wouldn’t completely miss out. Was I a little bit frustrated and disappointed? You bet. But I understood that the trip wasn’t just about me and what I wanted, it was about all of us.

Siblings will always need to share. If you teach them that they should get attention for doing NOTHING, on someone else’s day, then you are teaching them wrong.

Nyssa 11 months ago

Is there a way to upvote this? Anyway, cheers!

Nyssa 11 months ago

This is the most entitled piece of garbage I have ever read in my life. 1. I have no desire to hold your screaming child, the only reason I bother to visit is out of obligation. 2. That “new baby smell” is crotch, and I’m not interested in that either. 3. If I already had to suffer through the nightmare that is a baby shower, I am not spending more of my money on a kid I didn’t want or plan for. 4. I am not cleaning up after said kid, anymore than I’m wasting more of my money on it. 5. Didn’t you have your whole pregnancy to be a self righteous, greedy attention whore? 6. Who the hell is coming over unannounced? Sounds like shitty friends to me.
Lastly, your “fake” friends didn’t leave when you had a kid, your self respecting ones did because they decided that being a slave to a self satisfied brat wasn’t worth their time, and I have to agree.

Ellie 11 months ago

“I hate to say it, but if you can’t afford to buy her a decent lunch, then you need to consider whether you can really afford to hold this baby.”

Entitled bitches like this are the reason I avoid people with kids like the plague. You made the choice to shove a human out of your vagina. I’ve already had to buy you a shower present. No way in hell I’m buying you food that’s better than what I eat just so I can see your new poop machine. The entitlement level of most mothers is insane. I’ll hang out with my other friends without kids who only expect me to be good company (and maybe bring them beer if I’m feeling nice, but they certainly don’t feel entitled to it).

C. F. 11 months ago

This article was written by the most immature, nasty, entitled bitch. And you people wonder why you lose friends after popping out a baby. Maybe shit like this us why!

Snowy 11 months ago

Holy entitlement, Batman.

Tom Leykis 11 months ago

How can I politely say “fuck you” and impart to you how little I care about your shit/piss factory of crotch fruit?

Dena 11 months ago

Wow, you all certainly have a lot of rules for your friends and family, and the way in which its “appropriate” for them to show love and caring towards your new family! And everyone should buy your baby a shower gift, a birthing gift, AND gifts for the older siblings? Plus food (don’t forget, enough for leftovers!) from a fancy restaurant when they come to say hello? Wow, I didn’t realize that’s what friendship and support was all about. Best of luck to you!

Mary 11 months ago

Does anyone think this is a little over the top? Come over, you’re welcome to whatever food we have, but it the house is a wreck and i fall asleep while talking, no hard feelings. And I would die of shame before i asked a friend – maybe even my mom – to clean my house.

No Kids 11 months ago

Once again I’m reminded how less important my life is because I wasn’t blessed with children. If you feel this way, then I’ll just stay home, Facebook you, and say how cute your child is and leave it at that. Clearly your life is now far too important and busy to need a visit from a childless person.

I can only guess that nobody else in the world is doing anything as important or as time-consuming as you. Otherwise, I can imagine how someone could be so demanding in needing specialized food, gifts, or for me to do housework. All of which I would gladly do for a friend anyway. However, after reading this, I think I’ll just stay home instead. Enjoy mommy-hood and go gripe about how all your childless friends “just cannot possibly understand” to all the other bobble-headed sycophantic self-involved mommies.

But to those moms who are NOT like this – I thank you. I love you, and your kids… and I’ll be over in a heartbeat with a casserole. I’ll take care of the baby while you go soak in the tub, even though you didn’t ask me to. And why? Because that’s what real friends do.

Suheiry 11 months ago

I’m not a mother, but I get it. Being a hostess takes energy and effort. She’s not asking you to come over and do her housework. She’s saying if you’re going to visit a friend who’s just had a baby, you’ll be adding to that friend’s stress. Instead of just going over and being an extra responsibility, help her out. I’m not one to rush over when a friend has a baby, but I’m glad I read this. Now I know to ask first if a visit would be convenient, or or when I can come over to help her out. And if I’m not in the mood to help, then I’ll come around when she has someone already helping her out. The point is not to add to the new mom’s burden.

Sara 11 months ago

in my country it is not for anyone besides the parents to enter the maternity wards in the hospital. If u have guests, u will have to use the common cafe-area usually close by. I felt it was wonderful, no unexpected visitors at hospital!:)

Jen 11 months ago

I have one friend that totally fits the bill for being the perfect friend for a new mom. When I gave birth to my first child and was having difficulties with latching, she emailed my husband all the materials she could find that would help me. Then she and her husband asked to visit and, to our surprise, when they arrived they had grocery bags with them and cooked Thai food for our dinner. They helped us with cleaning up too before they left. Needless to say, we chose her to be godmother to our daughter :)

Jen 11 months ago

Your MIL sounds awfully familiar…she’d always manage to squeeze into our supposedly family photo. Also when hubby would tell her which type of laundry was to be done for the day before he would leave for work, she’d immediately pass it on to me the moment I woke up. And when my baby would poop while I was having much needed rest, she’d wait for me to wake up and tell me the diaper needed to be changed. Finally, shirts that say I <3 Daddy and I<3 My Grandma!

Callie Ge 11 months ago

A new friend from down the road was the only visitor I had the day i got out of hospital ,but what a joy she was, she came in, saw the look on my face and got to work, she folded enough nappies to last me all night, made me a cup of coffee and a sandwich, did the dishes, vacuumed the lounge room, fed the dogs, gave me a hug and a kiss then left,

Emily 11 months ago

A couple of days after my daughter was born, my sister came by to sit with me for an hour or so while my husband ran some errands – I was too nervous to be alone with the baby and wanted company. I don’t remember much about that day except that I hadn’t eaten all day and was exhausted. My sister left her own four-month-old at home, told me to sit down as soon as she got to my house, put two slices of pizza in front of me and ordered me to eat, and cleaned my kitchen while I ate. When my husband got home, she taught both of us how to give our baby a sponge bath before going home to her own baby. Best sister ever.

Our children are both two now, and she just hosted a little sleepover for them so that my husband and I could have a night out together before our second baby is born in a few weeks. She also has a seven-month-old, but happily volunteered to wrangle an extra kid for a night. I hope I’m half as good a sister to her as she is to me.

Emily 11 months ago

All of the advice here is good, but I would add: If you do nothing else, just call before visiting a new mom to make sure it’s a good time to come. Most of our friends and family did this, and we were happy to see them, both in the hospital and at home. But I will never, never forget the people who showed up unannounced, ALWAYS while I was trying to nurse the baby, and just sat there while I either struggled to get her to latch under a nursing cover (because I didn’t know these people well enough to feel comfortable nursing without it), or ignored me while I said, “I’m so sorry she’s screaming, I really think she needs to eat.” My husband even tried to stop one of his cousins at the door to our hospital room – I could hear him outside saying, “Emily’s trying to feed the baby right now” – and she plowed right through him, insisting that I needed her moral support while I tried to breastfeed for maybe the second time ever. I really, really did not – what I needed was silence and an empty room.

My second baby is due in a few weeks and I’m feeling a little anxious about this happening again. Honestly, folks, just a quick phone call or text to see if now is a good time is all it takes. If you bring food or offer to clean, even better.

David 11 months ago

Same thing when you get a new car! Don’t ask me to drive over so you can see my new car, drive over to my house. Also, don’t ask if you can go for a ride in it. I bought a sports car, not a taxi. And if you’re coming over, bring some high-octane gas, enough for my sports car and my wife’s Toyota. And while you’re looking at it, why not grab a sponge and help me wash it. It doesn’t keep that showroom shine by itself you know. Don’t forget to stop by the auto parts store on the way in case I need anything (no one told me windshield washer fluid doesn’t refill itself!).

Susan Binghamton 11 months ago

AMEN!!! Thank God!

(sorry this post made me so VERY sad for this blogger) I am going a little crazy with my comments. I’ll stop now lol

Susan Binghamton 11 months ago

Exactly my point!! All these comments are shallow and self-centered. I am BLESSED when friends “interrupt” my day. btw–raised four kids..

Susan Binghamton 11 months ago

I am a 50-year-old mother of four…All grown or in college. What I see with this generation is unappreciation, self-centeredness, and other wise totally ME ME ME. For goodness sake. Count your freaking blessings that someone cared enough to stop by!! Do you think they have nothing else to do except worship you and your baby?? I see so many “entitled ” mothers pushing their huge strollers around acting as if they are the only ones that ever gave birth…to the most beautiful, smartest baby of course. Yo! Grow up.

Natalie 12 months ago

I would add this: Thank you very much for the gift, truly, I deeply appreciate that you thought of me and my baby and went to the store to pick something out and used your hard-earned money to buy it. But FOR THE LOVE OF GOD if you must go off the registry, please include a receipt! I only need so many sets of 6 month pajamas, so I might have to return your gift. I don’t care that you got it off the clearance rack for 75% off. The outfit you bought for $10 is now only worth $3 without a receipt so you just donated $7 to the store and I can’t buy anything I can actually use. Receipts, people, receipts.

Kari 12 months ago

I have 2 friends, amazing friends, who didn’t come over until we asked them to! And when they did come, they helped me put groceries away (they know our house like it’s theirs), held the baby while I peed and watched tv. I couldn’t sleep, Ive got a 2 year old, but they offered! Their husbands also took my husband out for drinks. He needed it, he was just as stressed as I was. When one of us isn’t stressed out, it helps a lot. God bless these amazing peoole;

gkjgk 12 months ago

wow. i dont think the author has any more friends.

Sanuri 12 months ago

Wow. Thank God I come from a culture that welcomes guests, empty handed or not, at all times. And thank God those guests come from the same culture that doesn’t require them to be entertained. In some cultures, what is good enough for one is more than enough for two, and what is enough for two is enough for four.

dee 12 months ago

That’s a very honest insight as a mum and galfren! My bff who is also my bubba’s godma, tagged me in this link not because she wanted to warn me, but because she felt bad that she didn’t get to do what she was “supposed to”. She had to leave the country for good and it was just too sad enough, but we still love her to bits! Drea, if u happen to see this, we connect on a different level and we understand! Baby V will love you as much too! :)

Ashley 12 months ago

Here’s a big one for me. I don’t mind company as long as you call or text first. Some (most) days, if I’m not going out, I’m not putting on a bra or anything other than sweatpants. Please don’t just show up at my door and then tell me how rough I look. And please don’t bring food in containers you need back quickly. I barely have time to do my own dishes let alone yours! The best thing anyone brought us was a gift card for a good delivery service so we could get what we wanted, when we wanted it. They also brought plastic silverware and paper plates. Big help!!

Jenna 12 months ago

I don’t know you, but I think you are awesome. Can you come deal with my relatives? Maybe just write me a couple speeches, even… 😉

Jennifer 12 months ago

No one came to see me. :(

Chris 12 months ago

What a bunch of condescending, angry, arrogant mothers. The article was bad enough, but the comments are even worse. What makes you the expert on how to treat people just because you’ve had a baby? Lighten up, people.

Sarah 12 months ago

Bring a meal
Clean my house
Bring a gift
Go away

I’m sorry of someone you have had to deal with serious baby-grabbers, but this article is out of freaking control!

We have to sit through your 500 ultrasound pictures on Facebook, get you a gift for your over-the-top “gender reveal party”, plan your baby shower, but another gift for your baby shower, attend your baby shower, hear you complain for 9 months about how awful being pregnant is, pop and ahh over pictures of your wrinkly bundle of “joy” (though this article makes motherhood like like a horrible nightmare). Then when the kid is here, either become your slave or ignore you?

I think it would be easier if the new mom had a backbone and told people “no” or “Hey we just need some space” or “once we are settled”. Maybe ask a close friend to set up a meal-train and be the “bad guy”
That let’s everyone know that you will not be taking visitors for a while. Enlist close friends to help. If they aren’t allowed to hold your baby, don’t invite them to your baby shower! It makes you look super gift-hungry!

People have been becoming mothers forever. It’s no easy job, sure, but these kinds of lists are so sanctimonious. Seriously though, if someone gives you a gift or brings you a meal, say “thank-you” and throw it away if you don’t like it. Your kid, your responsibility, your life, your choice. Having a baby doesn’t make it okay to act like a spoiled brat. Expecting gifts is freaking rude.

I always bring new moms meals, and never ask to hold their babies, but if any of my new-mom friends gave me a BS list like this they would get nothing. I don’t have to do anything just like you for have to let people hold your babies.

Woman the hell up and tell people no– don’t sell your freaking kid to the highest bidder, or in this case the person that brings you the most expensive sandwich from Panera…

Adriana 12 months ago

Totally! Zero class. What a joke!

Adriana 12 months ago

Total

Adriana 12 months ago

This is the rudest most highmaintnece thing I’ve ever read! I’ve had 3 babies & have never thought anyone of these things & was grateful to anyone who spent their time/money on me or my baby. Wow. Unbelievable.

Meg 12 months ago

I hope that article is a joke, because if not it is obviously not well received by many, including me. I understand having restrictions when it comes to the safety of the child, however there should not be restrictions on the generosity of others. It could be considered a significant sacrifice for some to offer such generosity. The author must be either naïve or misunderstood. You might benefit from instruction on proper social etiquette in regard to accepting gifts.

Jewels 12 months ago

Yup, I understand all too well. My ex MIL begged my then husband to come pick her up (over 2 hours away), so she could “help out around the house”. Her helping out consisted of sitting on the couch insisting upon being waited on and complaining that the house was such a terrible mess. I was freshly home from a c-section. When she became impatient with not being paid enough attention to, (a few hours later) she demanded to be taken home. Another 4 plus hour round trip drive for my husband. Yay.

Shoogarbooger 12 months ago

You’re so right! I get told I’m selfish for not wanting to let my baby be passed around when he’s brand new. Why should I? I’m trying to protect him – it’s not personal. I don’t have good enough insurance to be cool if the baby gets sick. I find it selfish of people to ignore a mother’s wishes and do whatever they want with the woman’s brand new baby. It’s NOT about you. It’s about the new baby, the new mom, and new dad and siblings. I can tell you I appreciate the people who didn’t force themselves on me or the baby. They would ask nicely and if I said, “not right now” they would say, “OK” and step back. I do this with new moms, myself. Before I had my own, I couldn’t understand why I never got to hold a baby (even though I’ve never been an insistent person – I always stand back and wait for an offer). Brand new moms are POOPED! We’re hormonal. Our emotions are out of control. We’re overwhelmed. Many of us need and want space, down time, etc. Many of us who are very close with our spouses and children want to just spend time with our nuclear family, get to know each other in the new setting, and rest. If we ask you not to visit, please don’t. We’re not trying to be mean or cold – we are trying to set boundaries that we very much need.

Shoogarbooger 12 months ago

I’d like to add that after reading a bunch of the comments a visitor could really do well by thinking about the individual they want to visit. is the mom an introvert? Does she never like to go out, chat on the phone, etc.? If so, then she might not appreciate visitors for at least a month after the baby is born. If she’s social, loves to chat on the phone, goes out with friends, then maybe she would like visitors. We’re all different. I’m of the former lot and I have lots of anxiety issues and get extremely overwhelmed when I’m around people who aren’t my husband, brothers, or mom. It has nothing to do with being selfish or ungrateful (to be fair, no one but Mom offered to help when they visited me, so there was nothing to be grateful for…except Mom). Don’t bash someone because their personality isn’t want you want it to be.

Shoogarbooger 12 months ago

I have made it known and many of my friends and family still either ignore it or tell me to get over it. It’s selfish for others to not take the baby’s parents and siblings into account. I personally don’t want help. I want privacy and quiet.

Shoogarbooger 12 months ago

I love this so much. I do get freaked out at the idea of someone else cleaning my house, though. And, I don’t find it helpful to hold my baby. I don’t like people coming to my home (or the hospital) and thinking they should be able to sit around for hours holding my newly born child that I’ve been waiting for 9 long, awful months to see and hold. Otherwise, yes, stay away unless you’re going to not be a PITA. Bring food, strongly encourage my husband to help me, get me something to drink and/or snack on, and just be another adult to chat with. A lady I’ve known the majority of my life came over bearing food. Lots of food. It was all in disposable containers with heating instructions. It was hands down the greatest, most thoughtful thing anyone did when my first was born. 6 years later I still thank her and tell her that she’s one of the best people I know.

I’ve had people who didn’t even like me come to the hospital and insist on holding my child, keeping him from others who genuinely cared to see me and the baby. My MIL and her SIL literally played tug-of-war with my baby. People trying to take the baby from me and getting mad at me for not handing him over while I was breastfeeding him. Some people can be so obnoxious. I don’t want to have to entertain you or clean up for you. Don’t treat my child like a 6-paper joint. I’m tired and I want to bond with my new baby and family and I don’t want my baby to get sick or broken.

Decan 12 months ago

This whole article is very pretentious! Seems like the best thing to do is just drop your friends that start having babies!

Maggie 12 months ago

This article is stupid. You make it seem like a mom does not want to have her friend over for her own benefit. I’d be surprised if you had any friends left after this judgmental, unappreciative, “mommies only club” post.

Em 12 months ago

Exactly! Makes me think it’s easier to stay away completely. People are trying to show love and support. Be accepting and grateful. Be honest. If you don’t want visitors, just say so.

Em 12 months ago

You’ve restored my faith in humanity.

Em 12 months ago

Thank you. If you don’t want baby holders. Say no. Some moms actually enjoy the company. I had a friend who’s husband was deployed and had her fourth child. She was just grateful someone’s cared to be there and she was honest with what she needed help with. I ended up babysitting her other kids a lot and took a meal and I was so happy to do it because she actually told me what I could do to help.

Em 12 months ago

I have to say, as someone who has never been a mother to a new baby. It’s always helpful for the mom friend to be honest with what she needs. Every mother is different and some don’t want people over, some do. I found it never safe to just assume what a new mom needs. If you want the help, please be honest with your close friends and let them know!! For those that have never been there but care enough about you new mothers to take time and money, please do communicate. It’s silly to think people that haven’t been in your shoes just know.

Heather 12 months ago

I agree with the kids thing. In our church community it’s tradition to bring people meals for the first few days, even week, after the baby is born. As a gift I let everyone hold her for a minute, after sanitizing their hands. One lady brought her two sons, and went to let the six year old hold her. I almost flipped, but I knew that she was honestly just clueless. She had eight kids and was like whatever, kids are tough. And I was like ah, and she was like oh I’m still holding her, he just wants to give her a hug. My bishop’s wife came over and bishop is a pediatrician. She was strictly warned not to hold the baby, and we were strictly told to skip church her first six weeks. So we took turns going, or had my mom watch her.

I was such a sharing mom. I don’t know, I remember wanting my baby for months and being upset that I had to ask to hold babies. So after mine was born I just shared the love. It’s wonderful to see the joy a baby can bring to someone whose own grandchildren live far away, or don’t/can’t have kids.

My In laws are wonderful! and my mom is a great mother in law. Be grateful for a crazy mother in law because she’ll die before you. Crazy daughter in laws are worse! They hold their babies hostage and threaten you with no relationship with her children if you don’t…(insert babysitting, dropping everything for her, making her feel like her kids are the favorites when there are no favorites. Crazy) But I’m going to go hug my mother in law right now for being such a sweet loving person. His parents were a big selling point in this marriage. At this point, I’m not sure who I love more. lol

Maria 12 months ago

You had 9 months to prepare. Even if it is your first child, you must have heard stories. if you cannot be pleasant….maybe you should not have a child.

Geneva Echols 12 months ago

Yes this would be nice, but here is some advice for new mommies don’t expect this to happen

Geneva Echols 12 months ago

I agree with clothes thing but that’s it…when I visit my friend with twins I take one off her hands.

Stacia Mildge 12 months ago

Yes, yes, yes. I wish this was common knowledge.

Anon 12 months ago

SO ungrateful!!! Perhaps people couldn’t afford things off your damn list. I will never understand why everyone has to buy all the accessories for a baby YOU chose to have!! It’s your responsibility, nobody else’s!

Nics 12 months ago

How about ASK the children NICELY to not come over as often because the baby needs to sleep. I’m sure, unless they were complete brats, they would’ve been happy to. If someone treats your little bundle of joy like that when it’s older (putting up rude notices instead of conversing with him nicely), I’m sure you’ll have plenty to say!!!

Nyssa 12 months ago

I disagree about the expensive lunch, my best friend brought around fresh buns, ham, tomato& baby spinach and made us lunch and it was amazing. You don’t have to spend a lot, most new mums would just be grateful to not have to think of food. I know I was.

Nics 12 months ago

Yes it’s worth feeling this way because IT’S REAL!!! It’s not some fantasy somebody made up… many new mums actually feel this way. And what’s worse is they don’t see how selfish, self-centred, rude, offensive and entitled they’re being! It’s amazing what horrible changes women go through when they have a baby!! The article is horrible, and the comments shocked me because most are in full agreement!

So hey if it’s ‘really really not a big deal’ that your friends turn their backs on you, then that’s fine. You carry on, those friends will move on and focus on the people who DON’T treat them like shit. But you my dear will, one day, be very lonely!!!

Nics 12 months ago

I know, right!??

Nics 12 months ago

“Presumeably, friends that come to see your baby are friends with which you used to go out to dinner at no less than a $30 tab per person?”

Why do you presume this? Is it because ALL childfree people go out to restaurants seven days a week and spend copious amounts of money? Great stereotype. FYI, a lot of childfree people are struggling financially and cannot afford bloody expensive gifts when going to see a so-called friend who decided to bring a baby into the world and is now complaining to anyone who will listen!!!!

Nics 12 months ago

Good for you!! It’s so good to see a mum on here who does not expect her friends to wait on her hand and foot, and LIKE the fact that they may want to make a fuss of her baby, and may not know exactly the right things to say and do off the top of their heads. The world needs more people like you. Honestly the other mums on here are going to lose all their friends, and they’ll have nobody to blame but themselves!

Nics 12 months ago

This is a bit different to the other stories here. Your husband was away when you needed him, and you didn’t EXPECT this of these friends, they just did it for you because you were alone with a new baby. That’s really sweet.

Anon 12 months ago

Well said – the first, perhaps the ONLY – sensible comment I’ve seen on this moronic thread!!!

Anon 12 months ago

And you lot call the childfree ‘selfish’! This is the most selfish, RUDE, crap I’ve ever heard!!

Mrsp 12 months ago

Oh, mine is just like this! At our daughter’s christening, it was very important to her that we’d take a picture with the whole family – our daughter, my husband, his parents, his sister and his two grandmothers. That was the whole family. I had to take the photo.

Nics 12 months ago

How selfish is it to expect a present and to be waited on every time your friends visit!??

Nics 12 months ago

This is a joke, right? PLEASE tell me this is a joke!? Seriously, stop with this. You have well meaning friends and family taking an interest in your baby and wanting to help – if you go on like this, you will alienate them all!!! You might think you don’t care about that right now, but you WILL!

Valery 12 months ago

This is possibly one of the most selfish, ridiculous things I have ever read. When I had my first, I was ecstatic to have visitors, both in the hospital and at home. I didn’t care if they showed up empty handed and just sat around chatting and holding my daughter. I was so lonely!

Now that I’m expecting my second in a few weeks, I do have a better idea of how my friends and family could help around the house or what sorts of things I might need IF they ask, and I won’t be shy about telling them. But to just expect everyone who comes to see my new son to bring presents, food, and clean my kitchen before they leave (and resent them if they don’t) is absurd. I would get zero visitors and have no one but my 2 year old for conversation.

Can’t afford to visit the baby, indeed.

Pink unicorn 12 months ago

I think it all comes down to if you are an introvert or an extravert… I’m an introvert so when I had my kids (I have 3) having to talk to ppl when I was already exhausted just exhausted me even more. When my sister (an extravert) had her baby she felt like she would go crazy if someone didn’t come over everyday to chat with her.

Jon 12 months ago

What a load of self-centered BS! Your friends are supposed to bend over backwards and worship you because you’re the one that decided to have a kid?! What a crock!

K 12 months ago

This article is the most spoiled, narcissistic, self-centered offensive rant (and subsequent comment thread) I’ve ever read. Get a hold of yourself and be grateful you have friends who want to be a part of your child’s life. Make yourself useful…but don’t clean my house! Bring a gift…but not one I don’t like! (And someone even suggested bringing gifts for ALL of the children!) Be THAT friend…but not THAT friend! Do my dishes…and my laundry! DISGUSTING. Shame on you all.

Kim Newbourne 12 months ago

Um, whut? I guess it’s just me, byt I was THRILLED when my friends cane by to snuggle my babies. Yes, even when they were newborns. A.) I couldn’t wait to have a conversation with friends that didn’t center around the baby. B.) I loved that they held my babies so I (not my friends) could do a load of laundry or wash dishes. This type of article gives martyr mommies a bad name. Give me a freaking break.

Haley 12 months ago

I was reading this article thinking it was sarcastic only to come down to the comments and realize it’s not.

“I hate to say it, but if you can’t afford to buy her a decent lunch, then you need to consider whether you can really afford to hold this baby”. And new moms wonder why all of their friends don’t want to be around them. You can keep your expensive baby to yourself. I will go buy something for my family.

Jennifer Lynne 12 months ago

Some good points but a little demanding. I was excited to show my baby off…

RPB 12 months ago

And don’t even THINK of promising to show up to help after hubs has to go back to work (traveling), then call half an hour after his flight leaves to say you won’t be coming after all!!! Yeah…had that happen…three weeks after my c-section.

Skye 12 months ago

Just imagine your MIL moving in with you for a year. Wait don’t do that, you’re brain might explode from sheer freaking frustration. Ugh, and she didn’t think she should have to help with bills or even carry her own groceries. Evil witch.

sarah 12 months ago

Wow, I would be scared to visit your house! I think these are all nice, but a person doesn’t need to or should do ALL of these things(like if you bring food, no need to bring gifts also!) and a new mother shouldn’t expect or feel entitled to all these things and be bitter if they don’t fulfill your high maintenance perception. how about we are all more open and honest with each other and turn down visitors or ask for specific help when they’re visiting you? then none of these problems will exist. I had my husbands friend who is a pediatrician come visit with all their 5 kids, and one kid was sick with a runny nose. or another couple friend visited and stayed for 7+ hours and we ended up buying them dinner and feeding them. those instances boggle my mind but if a friend who loves you and wants to just come hold the baby, let them and try to understand from their point of view that they don’t have the same experiences as you and doesn’t see fr your eyes. you’ll be much happier and less bitter that way.

Aislinn 12 months ago

going back on to my comment where i snapped…my now x hubby misunderstood my plea for peace and less interference with actually banning people from the house…and the miserable b’tard also had me up with being hostess prior to the banning

Aislinn 12 months ago

another one is DONT bring other kids round the moment the new parents are home from hospital…i had that one personally.
i was more or less out of it with the horrendous birth. and just wanted to be with baby, when it came to nappy changing i was fine in doing the change myself…but NO i had interfering friend and my hubby..and the nappy when on back to front. my frustration,…and the little child did nothing but WHINGE in wanting to hold my baby as if it was a doll/ toy,,,just wanted peace and quiet and i eventually snapped

Maisie Crawford 12 months ago

It’s funny to me because I think a lot of the women who are so upset by this don’t have newborns yet, or haven’t had children in a long while! I have a 8 week old and I totally agree with this article. Not that people HAVE to bring stuff but just offering is nice! And don’t come over and eat my food!!! I had people do that a few times. It’s like my baby is three days old I’m NOT going grocery shopping. Don’t make more of a mess or add to my stress. Be understanding and maybe give me a break to take a shower??!!

Jessa Dupuis 12 months ago

So funny and true!

Lori Yeager 12 months ago

Yeah, I would never tell family or friends all if this BUT as a new mom of 5 month old twins I completely agree with this article!!!

Plus, don’t just “drop by” unannounced! Depending on the day, I haven’t brushed my hair or teeth, I’m in pajamas, and I just got the babies settled – I’m too busy and tired to satisfy your “baby fix”!!

Laura 12 months ago

Amen!

Laura 12 months ago

This article is completely ridiculous. You all sound like a bunch of self absorbed, selfish children. As a new mother myself, I don’t care whether someone brings me a sandwich from the deli, a homemade casserole, or a filet mignon from a high end restaurant. Someone takes the time to show they care, and are trying to help you out, and you’re going to complain that it’s not up to your standards? How dare you be so rude. The tiredness somehow should justify it though, right?
You’re going to complain about the gift someone brings you? I was raised to believe that it’s the thought that counts. If you don’t like what they being, don’t use it! Regift it, exchange it down the line, throw it away… Stop whining about someone trying to be nice!
If someone stops by my house to see how I’m doing and to see my new pride and joy, I do not expect them to clean my home or do my dishes. They are there because they care, I expect nothing from them but love for my and my child. Seriously, what self absorbed world are you all living in? You had a child, you are aleep deprived and busy, everyone gets that. People have babies everyday.. Act like a decent human being and be the kind of woman that you’d like your daughter to be or have your son marry- don’t be a brat! This was my first read from ‘scarymommy’ and it will most definitely be my last.

LilyBelleLove 12 months ago

I super-love the recommendation to take pxrs. I look back and there are hardly any pxrs of me with my daughter as a baby and I remembered that me ex-husband always came up with an excuse not to take pxrs of us, but there are a plethora with him. At 5, my daughter noticed and asked about it. If new mom is trusting and comfortable enough, upload the pxrs to shutterfly or the like and let her help set up share albums to keep long-distance family updated.
1 to NEVER do: don’t offer to hold the sleeping baby so new mom can do dishes, make supper for everyone, and fold laundry. My former FIL did this and I forever lost a lot of respect for him.

Amber 12 months ago

This list is perfect for me right now. My SIL is about to have a baby any minute now and I’m preparing what I can do to be a good friend. I remember what it was like when I had my 2, but life and support is different for everyone. I would have LOVED someone to come rinse a few dishes while they chatted about whatever while I nursed my new baby. No one did, even when I politely suggested, “Hey while you’re waiting, feel free to ___” and they’d chuckle and comment about how busy new moms are and then sit down. I figured I’d always jump in for SIL. Good to note that other people would not like me to just do their dishes. I’ll be sure to ask first. :) I’m thinking that when we talk in advance about a visit, I’ll say something like, “I’ll stay for 30 min and of course I’d love to hold the baby, but I also want to help you out. Think about some chore I can do while I’m there that would make your lives easier. Dishes, laundry, mopping, etc. “

Jamie Church 12 months ago

This was definitely not my feelings after giving birth, but I had a fairly smooth delivery and a sleepy newborn and I’m an extrovert. I can see how some of this would be necessary to keep in mind for others tho, especially after a c-section and if they’re introverted.

Karen Heilman Kohler 12 months ago

So….when are you having that baby? Sorrrrry we live oot, I would love to vie for time to come hold your baby with all the rest of the family members trying to get some time too.

Mom of 2 12 months ago

Yup

Mom of 2 12 months ago

The tone of this is terrible! I have never and would never expect people to bring me gifts and/or food as a price of admission. Sure, as long as the baby is not on the breast, well persons are welcome to hold for a few minutes. As for laundry and food, the newborn time is the easiet to keep up with that. I mean, you can set them down and they can’t wander away like a toddler. Even with my preemie on scheduled feedings, I’d have a good 45 minutes after washing supplies to change over laundry (3-5 min), put up half the dishes (3-5minutes), and feed the pets (2 minutes), with some down time to just hold the baby. Pregnancy and childbirth are not diseases, let’s quit treating them like they are.

Kim Edwards 12 months ago

Amen! Add to the list no visitors at the hospital unless you are blood related…and even then you better be close blood…and keep it to under 15 mins because mom really just wants to sleep and hold her own brand new baby!

Marian Jeffries 12 months ago

Awesome….this story nailed it!

Kingsley 12 months ago

She’s not perfect, she’s graceful and practices gratitude. Something you, the author and most of the whiny, ungrateful mothers on here need to practice.

Brittany 12 months ago

Jess. That’s not ok to say. I hate this article too, and I would never wish death or “torture” on anyone else! Don’t have kids honey.

Brittany 12 months ago

This article is extremely rude. The author seems like a very miserable person. I understand having a newborn is probably extremely tough and very trying on one’s sanity. But, to “EXPECT” someone to buy you food from a “high-end” restaurant just to hold the baby or “EXPECT” a friend to buy you a gift every time they come over just to visit is ludicrous! I would never expect a friend to do any of those things nor would i shut out anyone that wanted to come over to visit. Seems like she is a pretty crappy friend herself since she obviously “EXPECTS” these kinds of things from people.

Wayne 12 months ago

Sod it just don’t even bother visiting!!

Some women believe everyone is obsessed as they are with their baby.

MB 12 months ago

This article is appalling. “If you can’t afford to buy a higher end lunch including leftovers, you can’t afford to hold this baby.” Are you kidding me? So sorry on behalf of us poor poor women who don’t have kids but want to show support for our friends who do have children. Here’s a thought – if you are demanding that when your friends show up, they bring you meals, treats, and gifts, but don’t interrupt, ask questions, rock the child and so on – maybe don’t have a kid. And also, don’t have friends. And let’s be serious, if your girlfriends didn’t show up within a couple weeks, you’d be pissed. Don’t treat women without children like they are stupid. It’s incredibly condescending and unnecessarily obnoxious.

Sean 12 months ago

THIS.
You simply cannot forget the siblings… Especially if they were an only initially, their world has been turned upside down.. They need to still be made to feel special, since, for a while, just about everything is revolving around, because of,or for, the baby. Mom will love you if do something special, however small, for the new big brother/sister…

Gabrielle 12 months ago

Hahah yessss thank you

Gabrielle 12 months ago

I can understand not wanting a visit in the hospital or even a few weeks after birth to give you and baby time to acclimate to this new way of life but to say you never wanted anyone over unless they did your dishes or laundry or house chores is ridiculous. Get off your “fat ass” and do it yourself. Have some pride in your house. Nothing annoys me more than the new age mindset that “oh I have A KID now..that’s right a KID…whoa is me, everyone pitch in and help me with MY KID” and you should be vacuuming the dog hair off your floor anyways so your KID has a clean place to exist. Moms of the 21st century have become such helpless, sensitive, victims. Jesus, woman up and handle your life. /rant

Kara Alkire 12 months ago

Hilarious and true!!! May everyone, everywhere read this and take notice!

Kingsley 12 months ago

Seeing as this is a motherhood site and I am one of those selfish, ignorant, stupid childless people with good intentions (yes, one of the commenters actually said that), I know I will receive a lot of heat for this comment. I shared this article with new and experienced mom friends of mine and while there were different levels of agreement to the degree of truth to this article, all agreed that the writer must have some pretty awful friends, husband, life or all of the above to have such a condescending, self-righteous attitude to what very well may be good intentioned friends. Even if you factor in sleep deprivation, fluctuating hormones, and sheer exhaustion, what decent-mannered individual would say “if you can’t afford to buy her a decent meal, you probably have no business holding my baby”. For your sake, and for your baby’s, please practice gratitude, graciousness and giving friends (these are your friends after all, not war enemies so they must like you to some degree for whatever reason) the benefit of the doubt that visiting you is a considerate thought on their
Part and not solely to eat your probably stale and bland lasagna. For the cost of your attitude and the drive there I’m sure it’s cheaper to buy lasagna elsewhere than withstand your self righteous attitude

Renee Puzio Troisi 12 months ago

Love this

Kelly Brett 12 months ago

Sometimes it was stressful having people over but it did make me feel good that people wanted to see me. I would have been upset if no one showed.

Mindy J Melton 12 months ago

Haaa !

Laura 12 months ago

My sister lived on the other side of the world when I was pregnant with my first. I told her specifically to not come, that I would be fine. She showed up anyway when the baby was 2 weeks old, having dropped a couple of grand on a plane ticket. I won’t go into all the horrid details, but her visit lasted about 3 days before I told her she had to leave. She packed her things, and my husband drove her to someone else’s house. To this day I’m not sure where exactly she went. She still tries to tease me and guilt trip me over it, but I just look at her and shake my head and say, “You should listen when I tell you not to come.” When is my family going to learn that I mean what I say?

Kassi Green 12 months ago

I have been lucky enough to have friends clean my house, hold my baby while I slept, bring me a freezer full of meals and
Meals from restaurants. One friend did my
Laundry and was nice
Enough to pick up nursing bras. I even had one mom friend help me
With my engorged breasts-true friendship!

Helena Ryan 12 months ago

So much wisdom!

Mary Anne Beaudoin 12 months ago

Good read!

Leslie 12 months ago

Great article! I would add that if you bring a gift make sure to tell them – or write in the card, that a thank you card is not necessary! I started to dread gifts because my thank you card list kept getting longer.

Cocared 12 months ago

I think you sound totally unreasonable. As a mom and a friend, this never bothered me. Get over it.

Kristina Mary 12 months ago

Haha this was hilarious!

Kara Leslie-Haug 12 months ago

Omg! Love this….

emmajay 12 months ago

You know what sweet as thanks to this article I’m just not going to bother. Sorry I haven’t had kids so don’t kniw what it’s like and oh all the friends that came to see me after that surgery that kept me bedridden for 2 months even though being awake made me feel ten times worse I did appreciate and to the friends who bought me a live plant even though it died thanks for the intentions and the friends with new born babies that liked to cry and thought they were helpful by lying squirmy babies next to me on top of the sheets yup that was my catheter line and drainage tube. See not that hard to not be unkind.

emmy 12 months ago

I completely disagree! Its good to know this viewpoint, but after each of my five babies, I was dying for company! My husband is wonderful, and I enjoyed him being around when he was able to be there, but I wanted my friends! I wanted them to come drink my coffee, eat my food- we had too much to eat ourselves, and hold my babies. I wanted to talk about what was going outside of my little nursery centric life! I’d say ask a mom for what she wants and be willing to accept the answer if she doesn’t want you to come! Oh and I DO love decorating type gifts since that is so not my area of expertise!

Marilyn Parkin Paisley 12 months ago

This is excellent advice..everybody who wants to visit Lynnae and Steve should read it!

Christine 12 months ago

Thanks for the comment! If a new mom doesn’t want a visitor, or doesn’t want you to eat their food, what’s wrong with being honest? No need to be passive aggressive. We’re all adults, aren’t we?

Christine 12 months ago

Thank you!

Christine 12 months ago

How DARE these clueless intruders try to support you and relate to you during this life-changing period??? While I think many of your “rules” have value, I think you kind of need to get over yourself. Most everyone will have gone through having a newborn in their life. You’re no more special than anyone else.

Tara Malli 12 months ago

You ladies who DON’T agree with this woman are crazy! You clearly have no idea what it’s like to have Greek in laws, who show up at your house without calling, expect you to make them coffee and give them cookies or cake or some shit, while they pass your baby around and take pictures of themselves and then proceed to give you the stupidest advice EVER heard! One day I had 16 people show up at my house! It was ridiculous! I’m posting this on my timeline and hoping one of those assholes reads it and takes the hint, because I have twins coming in 5 months and if they think they’re pulling this crap on me again, they can think again! I might have to buy a huge ass guard dog this time around….

Talia Jonathan Wong 12 months ago

This is awesome!! Lol!

Lori Ellis 12 months ago

I’ll read it! I’m pretty chilled & excited to meet Baby Davis!

Jennifer 12 months ago

Ah, great etiquette rules for visiting a new mommy and baby. People underestimate the power of simple things like good toilet paper, until you don’t have any to wipe your painfully swollen nether regions. THAT was something I wished people would have brought for me. Just the basic necessities so that I didn’t have to run out for it myself or have to ask the hubbs to. This was funny and useful!

Anna Crossley 12 months ago

I almost cried at this article, it fits how I felt to a “t”. I was an extremely high risk pregnancy combined with fertility issues, so yes everyone was excited about this little one. She came at 33 weeks and was in the NICU for 25 days. I was not the first person in my family to see my child. That was my husband and then the grandmothers. I did not see her until the next day. I was also terribly ill and at one point was sent to another hospital and only got to see her a few hour each day. I had one skin to skin contact and then had to glove and gown for the next 25 days. I didn’t see her first bath (it was my husband and mother in law) since visitors were limited and I was too tired and sick to fight about it. When we got our miracle home I just wanted to be a family for a few days, just us. Well, the next day my MIL comes over for 2 hours after she had said she wouldn’t be at our place for long. She kept shoving the camera into the little ones face and practically climbing on top of me to “look at her face”. I hadn’t been alone for almost 6 weeks, was hopped up on steroids and other crazy making pills and just wanted to be alone with my child. She is my miracle too. Ny BIL came in just as I got her to sleep and had to hold the baby. Then my husband kicked them out, telling them they had been their way to long and that her coming over had a been a special circumstance and that we wanted no more visitors for the rest of the week. She was so hurt that when she showed up unannounced 3 day later with my husbands grandmother, she sulked in the car. Once again, baby was asleep and I said that I was not waking her so they left. No one brought food or anything and that was fine but I felt so invaded and that being the child’s mother was somehow less important than the rest of the family. As for friends I had a friend who came to see Me, and sometimes saw the baby or sometimes didn’t and boy did that ever feel special. I will be forever grateful to her. Later on, sure come on over but that first month or so home is hell and as wonderful as it is to share the joy, can’t share the joy if you as the parent are too busy making coffee to enjoy the joy yourself. Besides my family knew before, help yourself, want a coffee make it yourself, why would that change now that I have a kid?

Jessica Gloria 12 months ago

some of these are totally crazy and I wouldn’t EVER ask my friends to buy me anything else after giving a shower gift but I can see where the mom is coming from. I had both kinds of visitors and even though I appreciated everyone coming, it was seriously heavenly to have the visitors who didn’t expect me to entertain them. my husband and I are crazy lucky to have friends without kids who still seem to “get it”. They would come over every night and hold the baby for me unless she needed nursing while I showered, or napped, or ate a meal without juggling a baby in the other arm. I can totally see the point in this. And I find it kind of hilarious.

Leslie Richardson 12 months ago

yes, yes a hundred times YES

Jennifer Stalley 12 months ago

Ha! I breastfed mostly for nutrition, of course, but the added benefit of NOT having an entire tribe of people passing her around like a football was awesome! “Sorry…I’m the bottle.” Booyah! Nobody ever volunteers to help with laundry…what’s up with that?

justwanttobeinvolved 12 months ago

I am really shocked at some the comments. As a grandmother – I want to be involved. I have offered to cook, clean, run errands, and yes -hold the baby. Other than holding the baby for a few minutes – all has been declined. Honestly – run off the ones who are being a pain in the rear. But get over yourself and accept help when it is offered. You are robbing yourself and someone else of a blessing. So what if a dish gets put in the wrong cabinet? At least it’s clean. The world won’t end.
When people don’t feel needed or welcome – they will get the hint – and may not be there when you realize you can’t (or don’t want to) do it all.

Beverly Ransdell Haramis 12 months ago

What a cranky new mother. I don’t think I ever felt that way.

Keara McNulty Sweet 12 months ago

You know what I’m excited for??? Adult girlfriends to plop on the couch in pajamas & eat hot dip with me or even climb into my bed (hubby works nights) and watch bad TV and pass kiddo back & forth. You literally do not hafta do anything else. Maybe drive the older to school in the AM!

Kate 12 months ago

Wow–scary mommy is right–expecting certain gifts and to be waited on hand and foot–you decided to have a kid, and you are not suddenly queen of the universe…sounds like there were not many repeat visitors with that spoiled, obnoxious attitude.

Keara McNulty Sweet 12 months ago

Even cooking makes me feel a tadbit more human. Hold the kid! Hands washed of course

Suzanne 12 months ago

This is another instance where I would be completely honest to this mom. “Excuse me, can you tell your little girl that since she was able to take out the toys to play with, that she can put them back where they belong all by herself too?” Also, “Thanks so much for the lunch. Can you help me clean up? After all, i have a brand new baby and can barely stand on my feet for lack of sleep.” etc. etc. I think these days people are way to selfish to even REALIZE when they need to be helpful. It isn’t selfish of new mothers (and disabled people, etc.) to ASK for the help. In fact, in a lot of ways, its courteous to say “hey, you’re my friend. You’ve come over to be a friend. This is how you can be a friend to me in this moment.”

Keara McNulty Sweet 12 months ago

Hmmm. Am I the only crazy one who will wrap the kid well & head out in search of company if none will come to me? LoL. I need people, no strings attached! Takes my mind off the pain! Even the mall & lunch aren’t crazy at a few wks of age. Hands washed, kids bundled if headed out, all fair game. Mom & dad are 40 mins away and it’s the perfect setup, I prefer going to them, car rides of perfect length, and everyone’s vaccinated over there to the hilt.

Suzanne 12 months ago

OH MY. I’m the type of person who has no problem with confrontation, especially when it comes to stuff like this.

Lord help my family, and my in-laws, if they do and say stupid stuff like this. They already see me as a loud-mouth, but sometimes people need to hear that they are acting rude and selfish.

I know for a fact that my in-laws are going to act like my children are THEIR children. I can also see them expecting ME to be always hospitable, house clean, laundry, all dressed up as if I don’t have a small thing clinging to me 24/ 7 that can’t do anything on its own.

I’m not looking forward to these days, because I know for a fact I won’t keep my mouth shut, and they aren’t going to like what I have to say – the truth.

Amber Leigh Carrell 12 months ago

I certainly should have heeded the “take a chill pill” advice. This is absurd. We wouldn’t be friends anymore after these ‘rules and regulations’ were told to me just so I could visit your precious bundle of joy. YOU decide to get knocked up and then expect ME to cater to you in order to visit and congratulate you? No thanks, I’ll stick my REAL friends.

VB 12 months ago

I second this comment.

Ann 12 months ago

Here’s a suggestion: get off your can and clean your own kitchen, you fat lard. This post smacks of entitlement. Any friend who expects me to buy them more and more crap, and clean their house, will not be a friend for long. I have my own job to do, my own house to clean, my own yard to take care of, etc. I did not knock you up. Get your husband to help you if you need it.

Courtney Elise Crumbock 12 months ago

I agree with most of it! I just don’t think is it necessary to bring a gift! I don’t expect that! I would much rather have privacy :)

Missy Kivi 12 months ago

Genius! I love it!

Dorothy 12 months ago

When I had my daughter, it was only me, my mom, and my boyfriend. His family wanted us to drive all over to show her off…and they were some of the very few who knew she had jaundice.

Not a single person, except one friend at the hospital, CAME to see my baby, or bring me something. One “friend” even let me have it for not having messaged her about how the baby and I were and about the fact that I hadn’t brought the baby to see her….I hadn’t heard from her so it wasn’t like she was waiting for my reply to a caring message.

I finally told people that I was tired of being asked when I was going to bring the baby to see them, I was the one who had just had the baby.

I think My MIL only asks me what the baby needs or what I want for her so she can get the exact opposite.

While I agree with the fact that you don’t want a line of people making their way through your house, trust me it is hard when you look around and NO ONE comes to see your new baby or asks if you need anything. It was very hard for me at the time.

Stormy Garner 12 months ago

I completely disagree with this. I never thought of friends as “intruders” and if I offer you food I’m not just being “polite” I would hate for people to read this and think EVERY NEW MOM is like this. Maybe some are, but everyone is different. This just makes me sad. I loved to have my friends just come and sit with me. I know I can’t be the only one who feels this way!

Anne O. Whitaker 12 months ago

Sensible suggestions!

Alison Hayes Carvalho 12 months ago

I agree with most of this….however, I would like to add one thing to the side of the friend. If you are lucky enough to have good friends bringing you dinner, doing dishes, gifts, etc….please be appreciative! I had a friend who went ahead and had dinner ordered in, when she knew I was coming with take out from an expensive restaurant. I was burned for life on that one! So it goes both ways.

lulu 12 months ago

I have to be honest here, I think this article sounds incredibly ungrateful.

I understand that you don’t want to “wake the baby.” many of my friends were incredibly respectful and asked to see the baby. If the baby was sleeping, we would quietly go upstairs, look at the baby and move back to a place where you could speak at a human-volume.

I loved when my friends came over (especially those without children) and we could talk about adult-things. They didn’t care if the baby’s poop was this or that, we were able to have a few minutes of good adult conversation. It was lovely, I got to hear about how the rest of the world in functioning.

And while you write about having a partner, I have one too, and I love him (or her…does it matter?) It was also so well appreciated to talk to a dear friend about the new challenges without sounding like a hormone crazy lady. “Oh I’m not going crazy because of the change in our relationship” thank god, I can hear it from someone else because I thought I was going crazy.

Finally, I don’t think of my friends are my maids. I’d be horrified if I asked them to do laundry or clean or wash my dishes. And if they asked, I’d politely decline. As previously mentioned, I have a partner and he can help with household chores and perhaps even let me wash my hair.

In a world with a million things to do on their own checklists that they decided to come over for an hour and catch up means a lot to me. I’m not demanding and I’m realistic that people flub when they try to “help out” it’s fine. it’s nice to have the offer even on the table.

-Full-time working mother

Jincy Philip 12 months ago

lol this is funny!

VB 12 months ago

This is the most obnoxious article ever written. You chose to bring this little monster into the world and now I should come to your house bearing gifts for everyone, do your laundry, bring lunch (an expensive lunch, mind you), and clean your kitchen??? No thanks! I think people lose touch with reality a bit. My priority isn’t to rush over to see your baby the moment you deliver, so get over yourselves. I don’t know what people are thinking, this is the most obnoxious article ever written and makes me hate people with kids who think the world should revolve around them.

Jami Carter 12 months ago

People with little children at home…try not to visit your friend who has a newborn right away because you will transmit whatever germs your rugrat have to their rugrat and believe me having a sick newborn is 10x’s worse

Candi Robinson Carminati 12 months ago

Lmao

Sherri Clark 12 months ago

Haha! Excellent.

Emily Zeb 12 months ago

So so so true!

Audrey Munroe 12 months ago

This is actually the craziest ‘mommy’ post I’ve ever read. I’m a mother of 4 children all c-sections and I always looked at anyone who ever came to my house as a positive, whether they were just holding my babies or came over and were a ‘free’ maid. I wanted my children to be picked up and loved repeatedly by anyone of my friends or family members and wanted a bond to grow between each and everyone. This post sounds like crazy mothers who wanted to hide away and keep their babies all to themselves, which is find but don’t preach on others. We all know those mothers, they freak out when their child falls, think they know everything about being a mother and quite frankly turn people off from the very thing they think they’re good at, motherhood! Get a life and realize you’re 1 mother out of billions, calm down and don’t take yourself so seriously.

Jennifer Ortiz 12 months ago

Oh so true! Love this!

Jeanne Martin Clifford 12 months ago

Perfect advice

Geneviève Bowman 12 months ago

I -wish- I’d had any friend visit after I had my baby! I was stuck in a new country, away from everyone I love. It was the most desperately lonely time of my life!

Marlene Hegland 12 months ago

OMG that is so funny and true! With 2 new grand babies in process it’s a great reminder for everyone.

Dawn 12 months ago

My MOTHER showed up at three weeks and called ahead asked what I was making for lunch and if I would bake something for dessert because she “loves my baking”. I actually did yell at her a little that this is not what you do and she accused me of having weirdly arbitrary rules for people.

Nikki Wilson Abbott 12 months ago

Everyone should read this- family, friends, etc.!!! Love it!

Christy 12 months ago

When my daughter was born, my MIL asked if she could bring a friend to also stay in our house for a few days. I had nerve damage from the epidural and couldn’t walk, and she expected me to not only wait on her but to host a complete stranger in my house. My husband handled it well though. He told his mom that no, she couldn’t bring a friend, and no, she couldn’t sleep in our guest room either if she was going to be like that. When she visits, she stays in a hotel and generally only spends a few hours with us per day.

I was fortunate to have lots of legitimate help from other people. My mom has visited many times, and she is genuinely helpful. Laundry, dishes, yard work, watching the baby so I can get sleep or a shower, etc. One of our friends smoked 3 pounds of pulled pork for us. He even packaged it in 3 different containers–one refrigerated so we could eat it right away and two for the freezer. We had so many easy meals from that. Several people brought us take out meals, bought groceries, ran errands, drove me to PT appointments, and more. My MIL was the only one who wasn’t helpful.

Sarah Nicole Chicoine 12 months ago

Honestly, I preferred visitors in the hospital. Between the staff and daddy being there, I got plenty of rest, and honestly with an emergency c-section that left me unable to do anything but lay in bed and sleep unless I needed help to go to the bathroom, I looked forward to people visiting and chatting with me so I wouldn’t get bored. Of course I still enjoyed the rest but I was basically non stop sleeping/laying in bed until I was checked out of the hospital.

Meghan Smyth 12 months ago

That is good stuff…and painful since I’ve been one of those baby holders…

Turd Furgeson 12 months ago

This is ridiculous. How rude of this mom to demand that people bring her food from a ‘high end restaurant’ and gifts and do things for her. If she doesn’t want friends just for their friendship she can cram it.

Rob Lai 12 months ago

Yuni this is funny shit.

Erin 12 months ago

What a wonderful article. Thank you so much for posting this- you have expressed my feelings exactly. Your words have made me feel so much better about how I have thought and felt as a parent. I *always* ask a parent what their child wants or needs before choosing a present. When my friends start becoming parents I am planning on remembering what foods they like best, picking the high protein favourite and then… because I can’t cook at all- I’m going to the fanciest deli I can find and stocking up for them.
Thank you again.

Crystal Gittelman 12 months ago

I’m half and half on this… My first daughter we had around 20 visitors at the hospital alone and I loved it! My 2nd daughter it was only very few that came. So I get some of this but I do think having company while still in the hospital is nice. Once you get home you want to get into a routine. 😉 we had many visitors at home and if someone did come to the house I would never want anything but I have to say everyone that did was fantastic! Even brought gifts for both children so my oldest wasn’t left out. :)

Jessica White 12 months ago

I can truly say that all of my friends followed these rules. :)

Barb Brule 12 months ago

Right on the nose!!

Candice Langer Savoy 12 months ago

Loove this!

Shylo Estelle Faulkner 12 months ago

Damn. I just got schooled.

Leslie Sansom 12 months ago

OMG, this is so true. Everyone says, “Sleep when the baby sleeps”, but then people keep showing up waking up the baby and not letting you sleep. I had some friends come visit me just as I was about to take a nap and my son was sleeping. I was too nice to tell them to go away. But i just started crying when they woke him up and then said they were leaving. I just started crying. I was so tired and I needed a nap and they had ruined it.

Lisa Crisp 12 months ago

Lol..just had my baby 3 days ago and this was funny. Made me laugh.

Mel Efficent 12 months ago

Great read

Jeannine Joan 12 months ago

My mother would laugh at this. Women of her generation didn’t get special treatment nor did they ask for it. Anybody should be grateful to have a friend and never be this demanding.

DyAnne Walker Collins 12 months ago

Right on!

Fay Fleming Horner Biss 12 months ago

Lol so true

Amy Paschal Keister 12 months ago

My favorite visitor after my second son was born was my grandparents. My grandma cooked us a huge meal and told us to eat while she took care of the baby. It was so awesome. Family was my biggest help after babies. ☺️

Diane Murray 12 months ago

Hahaha! I’m not always a fan of snark, but this was funny!

Sarah H. Hill 12 months ago

This is really mean. Crazy ladies. I loves having visitors

Nancy Nichols Stierle 12 months ago

Great advice. !

Jane Hayward 12 months ago

It was the other way for me. I knew no-one in the area I had recently moved to. I would have loved someone to visit me so I could show off my beautiful daughter. Don’t ignore new Mums totally.

Amanda Markusson 12 months ago

Some of you people don’t seem to understand the sense of humor in these posts. I love her posts and think they’re hilarious. Snarky, sure. But I’m sure every single one of us has felt this way at some point. And if you don’t like these posts and don’t find them funny, perhaps you shouldn’t read them? Just a thought.

NeedToDoTheWashingUp 12 months ago

My mum didn’t even offer to clean, Hoover or bring me food. We had to go to hers. That’s all I need, to get myself dressed in real people clothes, get all the baby stuff together and get to her house whilst the baby cries so I feed her and eat a cold dinner.
I want to hibernate!!

NeedToDoTheWashingUp 12 months ago

Finally, wish if seen this before our new arrival. I’d have sent out cards with links to this!!
I’m stuck on my own all week but all my friends have come just for a hold after I’d spent all day just keeping us clean and alive. Not one has offered the help they were offering up before baby arrived & who in their right mind finds it appropriate to visit a new mum and let her make them dinner!??! Bring FOOD damn you!
Rant over.
Thank you for this, REALLY!

MrsT 12 months ago

And mine. What a cheek.

Maureen Brenner 12 months ago

Yes yes yes! ! What’s wrong with people who have had babies and still don’t do shit

Rol Tan 12 months ago

Add: don’t leave a bigger mess than before you arrived! New mom doesn’t want to clean up after visitors!

Sean 12 months ago

Surely rule no 1 should be “get your vaccinations up to date so you don’t accidentally kill your friend’s kid and look really stupid”.

Colette Wallace Pilkington 12 months ago

With all three of mine my dear old ma was the only helper, everyone else came to hold, drink tea and jiggle baby, it happens, I got over it, this article was “so precious” , the author sounds a little ott, ” bring me food or dont come” you’d never see me again.

Tanya Stegall 12 months ago

This is so good

Melinda Lloyd 12 months ago

I AM hurt if you don’t visit…. I have the hubs, but I want company over. Don’t do my dishes for me, but do tell me I can work on whatever I want while you hold my baby. You’d better eat anything I offer to you darn it did I work hard making something just for you to refuse it? Gifts are nice, but not needed… I just want to see you and feel like I’m still a human.

Heather Santiago 12 months ago

LOLOLOLOL!!!!! Love this, thanks for the laugh during this long lonely night feeding!

Melody Gutierrez 12 months ago

The best for me when my sis n law came over and watched my daughter so I could shower… She actually helped me a lot at the hospital too…

Stephanie Davis 12 months ago

This is awesome!

Maggie Moody-Ritz 12 months ago

Excellent

Jennifer Serafine Giannini 12 months ago

Don’t lump all new mommies in with this viewpoint. Some of us appreciated that people cared enough to take the time to share in the joy of a new baby.

Melissa 12 months ago

Also, please add, when you do show up with said gift and food, try not to look good. Do NOT “dress up” (shower, cute outfit and make up) to visit your friend! She likely feels gross, fat and hasn’t showered more or less even thought about make up in some time…. so please, don’t make her feel worse! Just go plain Jane in solidarity with your pajama-wearing sweaty tired postpartum friend! :)

Alicia Serpico 12 months ago

Lol some of my first visitors could have used this!

Sofia Nolasco 12 months ago

Seriously….drives me insane when people who are supposedly close dont do shit. I dont need to host you, if we’re that close by all means help yourself.

Ali 12 months ago

When my baby was 2 weeks old SOs mom came over to “help”. She ordered a pizza for a time when baby and i were busy with a home visitor appointment and ate hers in my kitchen during it. Then when I tried to eat mine the baby started crying for food and she was on my enclosed porch vacuuming it. So I got to eat my lunch hunched over the pack and play with a bottle in one hand. Lotta good it did her to vacuum my house since the floor was covered in tortilla chips when she left to go babysit her other grandchildren.

Sami Fields 12 months ago

I can’t imagine ever having that attitude towards my friends. I loved having company when my son was a newborn and that never included food or cleaning or chores.

Emily 12 months ago

Wow! This is ridiculous to me! This person sure has a lot of requirements for coming to visit her and a baby. If I had a friend like that I would NOT be coming over to visit. When my child was a baby, I was happy to have company and people that cared to see my son. It gets lonely being cooped up with the baby and you miss having adults to talk to.. As long as people called before coming over to make sure I was up for company and they didn’t stay forever, I was fine. I would never expect anyone to bring me dinner, buy the baby a gift, call and see if we need anything from the drug store, and clean my house. That sure seems like a lot to expect!

Kristina Martin-Kay 12 months ago

Oh, I so agree! I had twins… Some of my friends treated them and me, like a circus act. The best gift for me? Dinners that I could heat up and not over staying your visit.

Megan Amber Lockwood 12 months ago

For me the people that wanted to come hold the baby were so excited to hold my baby and let me do whatever I needed. I did like when they brought over a dinner but I would have been fine with little ceasers 5 dollar pizza. And I would never expect them too. But this is a good thing to read still. It is tiring having a new baby, there are things we can do to help the ones we love when we visit them

Tori Marie Bennett 12 months ago

I disagree with a lot in this article. Of course help out mom if you can but expecting food and gifts is ridiculous. The FRG from my husbands unit visited and brought gifts during my 3 week stay at the hospital and had wonderful meals brought to my home. I enjoyed the company and advice from the moms and was moved to tears because I was so well taken care of. I’m sure everyone has that one visitor they’d rather not have but none the less they have wonderful intentions and want to love your baby.

JessieJaymz Baldwin 12 months ago

I would have loved visitors after either of my kids, I don’t want anyone doing my housework ‘cos it makes me self conscious but my goodness I would have loved a conversation to make the hours not seem so repetitive. Definitely like the bring food suggestion! What new mum doesn’t need food, we often are so caught up in the babies needs we forget to eat, ourselves!

Ania Sikora-Wacnik 12 months ago

Ha!! Love it!!

Morgan Windle 12 months ago

Speak for yourself! I love having visitors stop by to hold my baby so I can shower and interact with an adult. No food or gifts required! I want to visit with my visitors and give my arms a break, not continue holding my baby while they do my dishes and laundry. Wtf?!

Christina Weinbeck Wagner 12 months ago

Bring lots of food and clean my house.

Lovess Henry 12 months ago

I think this was mostly satirical but in reading these comments it sounds like some of your friends need punched in the face.

Jessica Bricker 12 months ago

Not how we do things in our big family, but it IS funny. I never like it when people come over just to visit after were home and i feel like i cant take the baby back to feed him or like i have to keep the conversation going. But i love the homemade dinners for 2 weeks. I love bringing dinners too but i try not to stay too long- most of the time just long enough to hold the baby for a minute.

Katy Lynn 12 months ago

LOL!!!!!!!!!

Deena LeeFiore 12 months ago

Let’s add a few things to this…Walk the dog for them, change the sheets bring smutt magazines and most importantly no matter who you are to them and how much you mean to them or they to you never never NEVER insist on watching the baby so mom and dad can go out for awhile. Even if it’s just for an hour. Let them ask you!!

CheriEstelle Robert Dodd 12 months ago

Sooooo dead on!!

Yana Viteri 12 months ago

Some people have no sense of humor! Take a chill pill folks!

Jane 12 months ago

You can just say no to company. Sometimes a best friends presence is a gift. You sounds ungrateful.

nat 12 months ago

Sounds just like mine 😉

Jane 12 months ago

I do have

Melanie 12 months ago

After my third baby my MIL came over and sat on her butt on the couch the whole time never offering to help. I was trying to pack my son’s bag for camp and look after the baby e.t.c. and instead of helping all I got was “I’ll have a cup of coffee thanks!” Not please or thank you or anything! I told her to ‘please help herself!’ She didn’t even bring a gift!

Jennifer ‘Dodson’ Weiss 12 months ago

Amen to all of this!!!!

Ashley Ginapp 12 months ago

I love it!!!!

Brandi 12 months ago

This is truly the best! Thank you for writing this!

Linz Hinz 12 months ago

Lol seriously though I think some people need to read this who don’t have kids!! But of course I’ll wash my hands!!

Christine Gritmon 12 months ago

Disagree! I’m fine with empty-handed do-nothing baby holders. Especially if they let me nap.

Jana Hughes 12 months ago

Wow!

Anne M Turner 12 months ago

I wish I had friends, some are very lucky, I did a lot on my own it was just depressing….

Katey Ferra 12 months ago

Ugh I hate this article! I loved having visitors, especially when my husband went back to work. I would never expect anyone to bring me or the baby anything, if they did it was a nice surprise! I knew my visitors were excited to meet our new addition and showed up because they cared about us. Maybe I’m just lucky to have an awesome family and good friends but whoever wrote this needs to lighten up.

Nausheen Ekram-Usmani 12 months ago

I like all of them! Lol especially the bring food part! Lolol

Dana Selley Maechtle 12 months ago

This is ridiculous!! I had visitors EVERY day for at least the first month. I loved it. I was able to have my friends ooh and ahh over the most important person in my life… The person I waited my whole life to meet. My baby.

Kate Sarther Gann 12 months ago

OMG, the times I was sobbing and vacuuming. If I had it to do all over again, only my mom and my MIL. Period. Because the others do look at your carpet. And anyone who offered to clean other than my mom or husband would have been politely tolerated until they left and then cut out of my life forever.

Melissa 12 months ago

This is sooo funny. I love it. I also love the comments, especially the ridiculous and random ones about the fish. WTH? I can’t believe there are no comments about it.

April Almeida 12 months ago

I have 3. I resented people who man handled my babies insisting they needed yo get used your. F u. It’s my baby. Yes bring food. Don’t wear strong perfume. I enjoyed visitors…but only if they did help and brought items I needed.

Sonja Jones 12 months ago

So funny, truthful & intelligent. Great read.

Jen 12 months ago

Seriously? I read this because someone I USED to be friendly with posted it… and all i can think is – Get. The. Fuck. Over. Yourself. You chose to squeeze the rugrat out… don’t expect your friends to do ANYTHING for you… because they might just be too busy thinking “well oh shit there goes another friend that USED to have a personality”

Amy Tidwell Groves 12 months ago

Truth

Cynthia A. Santiago 12 months ago

Classic! Lol

Jenna Muncer 12 months ago

Oh wow. This is true.

Amanda 12 months ago

This article should be called How to become an ungrateful, selfish and whiny b-word once you have a baby…When I had my baby, I was VERY happy that so many people wanted to share in the joy of her birth. And they did not have to bring me any gifts so if they did, I was very grateful no matter what that gift was. People gave me gifts at my baby shower and that was great. I certainly would never expect my friends to feel the need to shower me with presents just to be welcomed into my home. They are a guest there. I want my friends to feel comfortable enough to come over empty handed and just share their company. Sheesh.

Irene Espy 12 months ago

I don’t mind visitors but not when i’m still at the hospital when all i really want to do there is trying to rest from the exhausting labor and sleepless night coz the nurses will keep checking on you

Christina Roskamp 12 months ago

I thought when people brought a nice meal it was lovely, not expected and I didn’t care whether it was from a restaurant it’s the thought that counts. And after being home all day I loved the company. No need for gifts, come hold my baby and let me shower and we are good. Anything extra was appreciated and I was grateful. This article is just a greedy woman. Give me give me! They are coming to see you and the baby because they love you. And some can’t afford expensive dinners and gifts, so what? They didn’t have the baby, you did! Get over yourself. I have 2 kids and I never thought like this woman.

Tara Koehnen Schroeder 12 months ago

Love!

Ellen Howard Kuras 12 months ago

Fav quote: “if you can’t afford to buy lunch, you can’t afford to hold this baby!” Wtf?

Stacie Agosta 12 months ago

As a new mom to child number two this made my day!!!

Rachel Larson Bebus 12 months ago

I try to keep my visits on the short side – like 30 min or less. Mamas have stuff to do and not everyone wants an audience for feedings.

Sare 12 months ago

And fer the love of Pete, don’t bring her a plant! She got a little tiny baby to take care of, and now she has to worry about keeping a plant alive too?!

Abbie 12 months ago

I loved having friends come to the hospital and stop over with or without gifts. Having a baby should be such a joyful time in your life. I can’t relate with most of this and feel sad that seemingly many women feel this way. I assume you are being hyperbolic for effect and humor. You are entitled to your own opinion of course but there must be others who find this post offensive.
Also, “their” is for plural use only, if you are referring to one person you should use “he/she”.

Esther Galletta 12 months ago

We didn’t have any peaceful home time until the inlaws left. But nothing new.

Elaine Tatterson 12 months ago

Amen to that!

Michelle Forkner Welch 12 months ago

Wow. Just wow. I completely disagree with this. I have three kids and every time I have a baby my neighbors and friends line up 1-2 weeks worth of dinners. I also have many best friends who come up to visit and I absolutely do not expect a gift for baby! I absolutely do not expect food either, when it is offered or brought I really appreciate it. One commenter actually stated that someone brought her a frozen lasagna and she was disgusted that this person had the audacity to expect her to cook it. I am sorry but even when my baby was brand new, I could put a frozen lasagna in for an hour and pull it out when it was done. Seriously? How much effort does that really take?! I loved the “sit and hold baby” friends that came too because they sat and chatted with me and I loved having adult conversation. “If you can’t afford a fancy lunch you don’t deserve to hold this baby.” Seriously? How self involved!

Lindsey Leyda Fryant 12 months ago

This is so funny because it’s true.

Cherie Collette 12 months ago

I enjoyed having visitors, I didn’t even care what I looked like.
What I really liked was when my husband aunt (who I only really know from family gatherings) came and hung out for a while, helped entertain my toddler, and helped folks the laundry. And of course hold the newborn! Definite time to get to know her better!
What I loved was when my MIL and her two sisters came to the house while I was still in the hospital (I was there for almost 3 weeks with my youngest) and cleaned/organized the entire main level!!

Hate me if you want, but I love my huge in-law family!

Susanna James 12 months ago

I wish somebody would have made dinners for me.

angie 12 months ago

Totally agree w/ everything! I had a single, childless, male friend tell me he was visiting a friend whose wife just had a baby. I told him to either bring diapers, food, or alcohol (or all 3!) and not to linger.nAlways ask a new momma what she likes to eat, what diapers she uses, or if you can take the siblings out for a while (a godsend!) even gift cards are nice, my sister had a very rough time with her last baby and she received so many gift cards for Target, Walmart, restaurants. They loved it!

Jennifer Colbert 12 months ago

I love this.

Rachel Mabry 12 months ago

So funny and yet somewhat true:)

Jackie Dunlap 12 months ago

Grw at great article.

Elissa R 12 months ago

I had my baby on a Monday, and my MIL had a party planned on Saturday. When I told her I wasn’t going, she said “But you look so good! when I gave birth bla bla bla. Well if you don’t feel like going, my son can go with the baby”. Really?? No, woman! That baby won’t leave my sight. Then she came over about 3 weeks later or so, and she saw a pile of baby clothes and she only said in that judging tone ” Is THAT all of the baby’s dirty clothes!!!!!???? OMG she’s going to run out of onesies ha ha ha” but didn’t move one finger to help. and not to mention she’ll snap pictures of the baby with her, her daughter and my husband, but never offered to take a picture with me, or a family picture. And for our first Christmas as a family, she has a tradition of hanging personal ornaments since her kids were babies, well she got one for “us”. It was of a Dad and a daughter. NO MOTHER. Her excuse? She couldn’t find one with both parents, then don’t fucking buy anything!!!!!! So yeah, I do not like my MIL One.Little.Bit.

Theresa Pollard 12 months ago

Oh golly the bouncing!!! It drove me crazy!! Ended up refusing to have the loud bouncing lady ever near my baby again. The bouncing made bubba vomit all over her. Now THAT amused me lol!
Another thing for me with a newborn was DONT bring your snotty toddlers over to play with the baby cos they’re home sick from daycare!! Seriously! Just don’t! Lol

Heather Sayers 12 months ago

I’m mildly disgusted by this article. Since when does anyone need to purchase friendship? Although most to all of these things would be nice, since when are they required? I was just happy to have adult conversation after all my children.

Andrea Martino 12 months ago

I know this post was meant to be totally serious, but ur so funny! Hope you all are well

Renee Linwood 12 months ago

Preeeeeaaaach!

Kerri 12 months ago

Our daughter was born and my in-laws came for a week. A week! I had had a 28 hour labor and then I ended up having an emergency c-section. I was exhausted, depressed and totally overwhelmed. They came and did nothing. By the 2nd day they told my husband that they were angry because I wasn’t being a good hostess. They expected me to cook and clean! My mother-in-law wanted to hold the baby all of the time and then told me I could get dinner started or do some laundry. This ruined our relationship. My daughter is now 15, and I still can’t get past what they did.

Michelle 12 months ago

Wow. Just wow. I completely disagree with this. I have three kids and every time I have a baby my neighbors and friends line up 1-2 weeks worth of dinners. I also have many best friends who come up to visit and I absolutely do not expect a gift for baby! I absolutely do not expect food either, when it is offered or brought I really appreciate it. I am sorry but even when my baby was brand new, I could put a frozen lasagna in for an hour and pull it out when it was done. Seriously? How much effort does that really take?! I loved the “sit and hold baby” friends that came too because they sat and chatted with me and I loved having adult conversation.

Heather Pavlik 12 months ago

Spot on.

Krista Smith 12 months ago

I would have loved to have someone come just to hold my baby during those first two months. I asked people to come do just that, but I had few visitors.

Marie 12 months ago

Oh my goodness. I understand the general sentiment here, having had 2 c-sections, but – This is why people think women become bitchy, entitled, sanctimonious jerks after becoming moms! You had a baby – you aren’t a returning POW from Iraq or something! Are we really so fragile and precious that we would be pissed at a well-meaning friend who wanted to come hold our baby and talk to us without being a maid or cook?? You know, non-moms can be busy too, and may have time to pop by to say hi, but not cook a gourmet meal for us in advance. Also – buy them a meal from a nice restaurant? Seriously? If someone else cooks for me I wouldn’t care what it tasted like as long as it was edible. This is one of the most sancti-mommies posts I’ve ever seen!

Gabriel Campion 12 months ago

Word

Angela Hassler Senft 12 months ago

My family and friends rocked. Some brought food, someone brought me emergency diapers when I ran out, some watched him so I could nap. Some just were there to help and give me comfort when I felt like I was going insane.

Aspen Eisenhour 12 months ago

That was an awesome article!

Katie Paige 12 months ago

I had to cook dinner for my in laws when my son was four days old. Don’t be that friend.

Sarah Lewis 12 months ago

This is great!

Jessica Collins 12 months ago

Did all you people not hear the part about taking a chill pill before reading? This is a satirical blog. Relax.

Heather Holder 12 months ago

This shit goes to family too!!! I’m not saying any names… But those bastards know who they are and I hope they read this!!! I’ve had family come over and eat my food and not clean up! Next kid i’m kicking your ass out of my house. I don’t have time to entertain you!

Jennifer Meszaros 12 months ago

Yea I’ll buy heaps of gifts for my friends with kids when they remember to say happy birthday to me. There is a sex in the city episode for these kinds of parents that think the world should fall at their feet just because they reproduced. You aren’t special because you had a kid. Get off your high horse.

Stacie Small Mendoza 12 months ago

I enjoyed a good friend’s company whether they did something, brought something or just came by to meet my babies. Anything extra was a bonus and very appreciated but not expected.

Rachel Ann Termini 12 months ago

My FIL (yes father-in-law) made us a weeks worth of amazing freezer food after the twins were born. I had 2 newborns and it really helped to have decent food ready to microwave while I was busy with them and 3 bigger siblings. I was grateful no one EVER visited my house of chaos!

Alexandra Sliwinski Kavana 12 months ago

These are spot on! After delivering a 9 pound, 11 ounce and 23 inches long baby, the last thing I wanted to do was entertain people and act like the flip flops they bought my infant born in January were cute or that he’d ever wear them. A dear friend and mother of 3 asked what diapers I was using and had them shipped to me. Best gift!!

Sita Tjivako 12 months ago

I love this article – I just pushed out a baby n u want to come visit me empty handed and stay for hours. Omg and then sit and wait for me to start cooking for you!!!!

Jennifer Anne Coggan 12 months ago

Loved it!

Erica Billiot 12 months ago

No perfume, don’t put lipstick on my baby kissing it (that shit is hard to get off newborn skin), don’t come over telling me I’ll help you then proceed to 1. Intentionally scare my baby bc you think it’s funny.
AND
2. Nap on my sofa all day while I’m sleep deprived and watching you sleep.

Yes this was done to me. I still haven’t forgiven these people.

Katie Forkell Hartman 12 months ago

Brushing up on what to do for you Jennifer Magnetta

Brandi Pate 12 months ago

I do not agree with a thing on this list. I was grateful to have visitors, and if they brought something then that was icing on the cake! Just to have another set of hands to feed the baby or change a diaper was appreciated! Who the hell expects a meal? Much less an extravagant meal? Just be grateful that someone cares enough to help celebrate the occasion!

Nancy O’Brien 12 months ago

Omg yes! Bring food then take the baby and tell mama to go take a shower!

Haley MacDonald 12 months ago

I had twins I was completely ok with ” Just come by to hold baby” thing. I love my little ones but I don’t have expectations like those for my friends. Adult conversations and a way to vent are great with me!

Katie Lynn Mandelburg 12 months ago

It’s nice having people to offer to help, but after my baby was born, I honestly just enjoyed the company and adult conversation. It made me feel sane. I don’t like the assertion that if you don’t come with restaurant quality food, gifts, and/or start cleaning their home, you are “that” lousy friend

Sarah Fritz-Maldonado 12 months ago

I banned visitors in the hospital and at home… At least until the baby was 8 weeks minimum… It was more of a headache to have “those” people stop by than I was willing to deal with … Next birth I suspect will be similar

Julie Crawford 12 months ago

I have a 7 month old and welcomed visitors whenever they wanted to come. I was HAPPY to show off my new baby to my excited friends and family. And as long as they were ok with me dressed like a slob, and didn’t expect me to make them dinner, they were welcome to stay as long as they wanted!

I am really bothered by this hateful, entitled attitude new mothers have toward people that love them. It makes me sick. Get over yourself.

Brianna Asten Mahaffey 12 months ago

That list was just rude and ungrateful.

Amy Benton Wesberry 12 months ago

This is the best article ice read yet! This is SO true! Everyone should be required to read this!

Marie Plueger 12 months ago

I LOVED having visitors after my girls were born. Couldn’t care less if they brought a DAMN thing. I was just glad to have some company…and they were more than happy to see the baby!

Natalie Turcotte 12 months ago

Guess I’m wierd- I’d prefer the opposites of most of these.

Natasha McDean 12 months ago

Sooo true

Katrina Alaine 12 months ago

Love this!!!!

melissa 12 months ago

Sorry, am I the only one who thinks this is a little ridiculous? I have had two children and have never been annoyed with friends visiting me or my baby. I would never expect them to being me food from a high end restaurant or to bring another gift. Really? This is a loved one visiting a new baby…fucking lighten up a bit.

CMG 12 months ago

I still get mad when I think back four years ago, to when we brought my son home after a C Section delivery. My sister decided to come over and “hang out.” Then my husband told his brother and sister in law it was fine for them to come visit. They brought their dog. A dog that my dogs didn’t like and decided to stage a turf war with right there in the kitchen. Then, recognizing the beginning of a nervous breakdown, I excused myself to the nursery to feed the baby, leaving everyone else downstairs. Not two minutes into the nursing, my sister comes in complaining that she’s bored and doesn’t have anything in common with the in laws even though sis-in-law and sister went to high school together. (For God’s sake- make something up! I don’t care what you talk about!) She sat there and gossiped and talked the whole time that I, a mother of all of five days, struggled with getting my wailing baby to latch. Yes, I’m still mad. The in laws have two kids of their own now, I’m sure they’ve seen the error of taking their dog on a baby visit. My sister? Still single and care free. She’ll have her day someday…

Allison Skoczenski 12 months ago

Hahaha this is excellent – I love how true it all is and the whit with which is it written. Thank you!

Amanda Hegedus Kirkland 12 months ago

I loved having visitors… After 5 days in the hospital post c section with people poking at me and asking if I’ve farted, having friends and family over to gush over my baby and carry on a conversation gave me a little bit of normal back as well as turned the focus to my daughter. I was so thrilled with her that I loved seeing other people be excited too. I have a small, close knit group of friends and family so that helps too because everyone I saw was someone I truly value.

Raphaëlle Thiriet Zilio 12 months ago

My friends always brought something. Be it some special cupcakes I love, or coffee or whatever. My mom stayed with us for a few weeks after both my boys birth. ( we live in the us and she lives in France). She was cleaning the house spotless, making meals, taking care of the baby when I needed rest or took showers. After about 2 weeks when breast feeding was well established she offered to take the baby in her room for the night and feed him from a bottle. I slept through the night! She babysat one night when my husband and I went out for dinner, too! ( that was for my second child, I was more relaxed

Sarah Koebler 12 months ago

Oh dear, I see plenty of folks didn’t take that recommended chill pill. Lmao. I really don’t think folks should be so literal about everything. The MESSAGE of this article is to think before you do when it comes to a new mom. Obviously, this isn’t going to work for everyone. Nothing on this whole beautiful planet works for everyone short of air and water. Tailor it to the specific person, but be CONSIDERATE! Don’t just show up unannounced. Help without asking, and don’t be a ‘guest’ they feel the need to do things for.

Taylor Mac Mac 12 months ago

Yeh! I read it too! Totally see where they are coming from!!!!

Marcus Royce-Fulton 12 months ago

Do/buy shit for me or we can’t hang out…..hmmm

Sara Navarrete 12 months ago

Yes… hahaha all of them

Suzanne DeLuise Neblett 12 months ago

Every one of these posts are so awesome. I don’t know what I did before I “liked” this. Now I have something to read every 2-3 hours when my 10 month old is eating.

Georgie Goldstein 12 months ago

When I had my first baby, I hid in my house for about 4 months! I had dust balls flying down the hall-way. One of my oldest friends asked me what she should bring, and I asked her for apples. She bought a present and apples. It was the best!

Andrea Stranghoener 12 months ago

Looks like some people forgot to take their chill pill as instructed! 😉

Lisa Donald Orr 12 months ago

I beg to differ with the not eating their food one. One of our favorite things after our daughter was born was when people were bringing us a meal to invite them to join us and eat it. And bonus, most of them were awesome and would do the dishes too! My daughter is almost 6 and those meals are still some of my faves-we got to show off our new baby, they got their baby fix, we got food and we got to visit with friends we wouldn’t otherwise!

Samantha Salyer Marsh 12 months ago

Freaking perfectly said.

Michelle LaFeir DeLong 12 months ago

Guess I was lucky. We had a party the day my daughter came home. My son (then 4), loved the attention! I took the initiative to tell people what I needed! Example: could you change her while I eat?…would you clear the dishes while I nurse?…can you play with my son while I shower?…etc :-)

Vicci B. Chuc 12 months ago

I am just so glad I am done with all of this, and now I get to look forward to being a grandma 😀

Tania McCreanor 12 months ago

My friends all didn’t want to intrude and I was bored stiff! Though I have known ladies who had huge intrusive families that requested that their friends just come around to the house for a chat over coffee after they are out of hospital. Some people actually want to show off their baby, and a hospital is a kind of boring place. Best to ask your friend what they want before barging in perhaps?? And be mindful that their wants before the birth, and after the birth are a completely different thing.

Jessica Sundell 12 months ago

Wow. I totally disagree. And I can’t believe other women would expect this. How about being appreciative to have a good friend’s company?!

Jennifer Susser King 12 months ago

Too funny

Jenn 12 months ago

I agree. I hate my house being cleaned for me. It almost feels to me like an insult. Like “Oh, you can’t keep your house clean? Then I will do it because I don’t want to look at it” My FIL is the worst at this. He always wants to wash our cars or clean our garage or something when he comes to visit and it drives me crazy. HE actually paid us once to wash my husbands car! I mean really? And as for washing my clothes….NO THANKS! I don’t want anyone but myself and my hubby handling my undies. Maybe it is just me but please bring me food, gifts whatever but DO NOT offer to clean my house because it will put me in a bad mood real quick.

Reagan Taylor 12 months ago

Ahhh! Perfect! Love this!

Jaimey Forrest 12 months ago

Haha yep I think Iv been of of those not needed friends but have also def needed the helpful friends. We’ll see what round 3 brings

Amber Chae 12 months ago

LOL bit harsh but not completely wrong!

Tannis Bitz Dyrland 12 months ago

Colleen Ham pretty sure we talked about this. Lol

Jessica Selden Hosfeld 12 months ago

Spot on!

Sarah Brenner 12 months ago

AMEN!!!!!!!

RossJamie Fox 12 months ago

I disagree I loved visitors and loved showing off my new babies

Carissa Herwig Duttry 12 months ago

Excellent advice I wish I would’ve known sooner!!

Sarah Tasa 12 months ago

A good reminder. Thanks!

Cindy Peters 12 months ago

Oh so true. You learn and hope others do too!

Amber Nicole 12 months ago

I preferred no visits till they were a little older. I was a mess. My house was a mess and my older kids were a mess. I just needed time to adjust.

Barbara J. Nolen 12 months ago

If friends or family come PLEASE do NOT kiss baby on the mouth!!

Tabitha 12 months ago

The day after I got out of the hospital after having baby #2, I was made to go over to my mother in laws house so that everyone could gather around the baby. WHAT! I was tired, sore and just wanted to spent time with my husband, baby and oldest child.

Natosha Johnson 12 months ago

♡♡

Diana Deutz Ziegler 12 months ago

I guess she only has rich friends that can shop for her and get her food from expensive restaurants. Actually, she probably doesn’t have friends.

shyann 12 months ago

sorry my cell is acting up and messed up this posted bad.. but in short i waited for the mom to get home about a week. then asked her to text me when her hubby got home from work. so i could drop the gift off.. i never held the baby that is still time for the family.. i was also gone with in 10 mins of showing up.. never woke the baby up and i did not want to wake the baby up.. i waited until she was set for me to see the baby in her own time. when she felt up to it she text me and had me over.. i knew her in laws and her family was big and she had to many people as it was….

Nicole Van Hoose 12 months ago

I loved a baby holder. I loved visitors. I loved someone to talk to. Don’t do my dishes, no one loads my dishwasher right, not even me, that’s why my husband does it. Do not do my laundry. No one does it right either, and I don’t appreciate others folding my underwear. Don’t clean my house. No one does that right either. Hold my baby so I can take a shower. Or babysit so I can go to the store. Or out with my husband! I don’t need STUFF, I need friends.

Jessica Overstreet 12 months ago

I like the warning. :)

Candice Brown 12 months ago

Totally relate to majority of this. Bring food! Don’t expect hospitality and for god sakes don’t show up to visit without asking.

Bethany Bull Hamilton 12 months ago

Cracking up!!

Weronika Zubek 12 months ago

No one ever brought me food. The baby sleeps a lot when they’re little. All u have to do is feed every two hours and they go back to sleep for another two hours. I got everything at hoe done. Plus dinner. And enjoyed my guests. I wanted to show my baby and share my joy. I’ll sleep when I’m dead. Lol. And I don’t know about other babies but mine only puked on me once.

Anna Rodriguez 12 months ago

Please please don’t touch my undies but bring freezer meals! Lol

Jennifer Klebsch 12 months ago

Wow I’m lucky I had great friends that never did any of that crap. They would simply show up, my favorite take-out in hand, and order me to eat and take a nap or long bath while they entertained DS. I do recall folded laundry and clean dishes after they left. Mind you, these were friends who didn’t have kids, but knew me and what I needed. As a single mom with no hubby to rely on, my friends and their companionship saved my sanity those first several weeks!

Melissa Bechthold Hoehn 12 months ago

Classic. Love it!

Mary Kate 12 months ago

Negative. This was so unnecessarily bitchy. Also, I’d be embarrassed and irritated if someone did my laundry or dishes.

Robin Monique 12 months ago

Omg so true !!!
I’m 3 weeks postpartum and couldn’t agree more!

Brittney Abbott-Goering 12 months ago

I disagree with almost all of this. Except the picture taking. Take all the pictures you want!

Tracy Gent 12 months ago

Omg so many in here I love “you’re the intruder” “do nothing but hold the baby” ain’t no body got time for that 😉

Vicki Robinson 12 months ago

I will never forget my wonderful sister-in-law, Karyn, who came by when Alex was just a baby. She came in, told me she had everything covered and for me to go take a nap. With earplugs. Oh, those were the three most glorious hours of sleep!

Rachel 12 months ago

My new gift for showers and new baby visits is paper plates and plastic utensils- ain’t nobody got time for dishes!

Betsie Missler Parren 12 months ago

Great list!

Rachel Williams 12 months ago

I had friends and family who just came to visit. I was in soooo much pain post-c/secondary infection, I considered more than once asking them to do something helpful or leave.

Desiree Lamoureux 12 months ago

Although I did shake my head at most of these, I have to say Amen about the decorative knick knacks. I still don’t know what the hell to do with the music maker Wooden Eiffel Tower do hicky my childless friend brought. The tip of the tower could easily impede a small skull or take out an eye more effectively than a skewer and a martini olive. I love her dearly but there’s a reason I specified “gift cards only” on his birthday invitation… Not a replica of the Eiffel Tower because that’s where SHE got engaged. Oi.

Jamie Lauren Rose 12 months ago

My mother in law and sister came while we were still in the hospital and cleaned the house top to bottom. Also prepared meals. Beautiful best gift ever.

shyann 12 months ago

When i friend had her last baby. it was a baby girl.. anyway i knew the mom didn’t want people so i asked when her hubby go home from work text me and i got something for you and the baby i would like to drop off really fast.. 5 or 10 mins and im out of there.. the whole over well mine deal i knew about..
What i did was made a homemade crochet blanket for the mom and baby in the moms favorite colors and baby girl colors. i also made it big enough that some of the other kids could cuddle with mom as she was cuddling with the baby.. so no one would fell left out.. then as the baby got older it could be used on there her bed.. (the mom still talks about that baby blanket i made her).. true to my word i was out with in 10 mins of the time i showed up..

Rachel Scott Pimental 12 months ago

Haha love this so true !

Lauren Harrington Evans 12 months ago

Yessssss

Vanessa Taylor 12 months ago

I’m lucky in that everyone who came over helped in just this way! Cleaned, laundry, food, held baby while I napped and brought her to me when she needed to eat, etc. It was great! I mistakenly thought it was a great idea to invite people over the day we got home from the hospital. That’s when my baby blues hit and I cried all day. Needless to say I had to take a rain check on the visit. Having a baby is no joke. The last thing I would want while I am figuring out Breastfeeding, have sore, cracked, bleeding nipples, haven’t slept more than an hour or two in a row, am wearing a pad the size of an XL t shirt, with a brand new baby who cries all the time, is a person to come over and sit there and just hold my baby. This list is so right on.

Vanessa 12 months ago

When I had my daughter a great friend came over with dinner, my sister in law, her husband and their two kids came over right after and ate all of the food that was meant for me and my husband. When she had her daughter, I came over, cleaned her kitchen and made dinner, while my mom watched the baby, so that she could nap. Her rude husband, came over ate the food and never said thank you.

Margo 12 months ago

Also – don’t come if you are sick! Or have been sick recently! Or someone in your home is sick! Do not come and ask to hold my baby and then in the same breath tell me how your preschooler has been vomiting! Show up healthy with a fresh shirt, wash your hands, and don’t so much as sniff or sneeze during your stay.

Amanda Griffin Seale 12 months ago

Love!!!!

amanda 12 months ago

Hah, I hear ya. Not only did we have constant visitors who did nothing, we had people (close family) expect us to visit THEM with the new baby. Then had my MIL complaining that I didn’t let her hold the baby enough (had to nurse her) and complain about my not cleaning, even though I swept and did the dishes and laundry. Never again. This is one reason I am glad we were living away when we had my others lol.

Mimi Prine 12 months ago

My husband and I got the first two days to ourselves to sit in our pajamas and wonder what in the world do we do now. And then we had visitors with food and gifts and it was perfect! I definitely think those first few days are great to relish in your new family!

Caitlin Marshall 12 months ago

Speaking from experience being able to take a shower or bath while your friends watches through baby. Win win…your friend gets to hold the baby and you get to feel clean and relax for a minute. Oh, friend watching baby while you sleep. It’s hard to try and entertain your friends when they come visit so don’t get butt hurt if the Mom just wants to sleep or shower when you come over.

Emily White Donahue 12 months ago

This is perfection

Kristen 12 months ago

Also never show up unannounced! You don’t know what is currently happening in the house with a newborn…baby could be having a meltdown…new mom could be having a meltdown!!

In addition, don’t overstay your welcome. I was self conscious breast feeding my newborn in front of people and struggled with producing enough milk in the beginning. Some of our friends would stay for hours during their first visit and it made trying to feed very awkward, stressful and emotional!

Siobhan Cargill 12 months ago

So true

Meghann Faas Claussen 12 months ago

This is amazing

Felicity 12 months ago

Don’t come early. Sounds simple, but on the second day home from hospital, relatives came over 1/2 an hour early from when they had said, and we were still in our pjs not having had breakfast yet.

Amy Thompson 12 months ago

I love the entire article & have to say, this woman has friends that rock!!

Kimberly Wolfe 12 months ago

Seriously where are all these friends like this??? Send them my way!!

Marie 12 months ago

When we came home from the hospital, my boyfriends uncle was standing at the end of his driveway having a smoke and saw us pull in our driveway. By the time our car was stopped, he was standing outside of it. He ended up keeping my boyfriend outside talking for about an hour. Totally ruined our home coming as a new family. I think with the next baby, I will very clearly tell all people to stay away for 24 hours and if they meet us in our drive way, well I might just be rude and tell them to go away!

Cassie Cheddar 12 months ago

Mostly good advice but really, you don’t HAVE to bring a freaking gift.

Holly Ortolano 12 months ago

I find this whole post to be absolutely ridiculous!!! It was amazing to have people come hold my babies so I could relax/do something. I would never expect any of these from anyone I consider a friend!!!

Andrea Delgado 12 months ago

I am a very good baby holder that brings food and cleans, etc. However I had one couple not appreciate any of that as I had folded their towels wrong. They were all folded the same size and put away, but it was wrong. I’d think working, having a 5 year old and a newborn, one would be happy just to have clean towels!

Sarah Daken 12 months ago

This is total crap! A baby holder is the best kind! You can hold that baby as long as you want so I can shower, and get dressed, and breathe! I would have felt totally awkward if someone came in and tried to start cleaning my house…

Kristie Babicky 12 months ago

The best “visit” ever was about 2 weeks after my 3rd child was born. There was a knock at the door. I rolled my eyes and moaned to myself about not feeling like dealing with people. I opened the door to my sister in law handing me a coffee and my favorite dunkin donuts pumpkin muffin. She smiled, turned around and walked back to her car and drove away. It was exactly what I needed!!

Erin Garven Goodnight 12 months ago

Bingo. I was certifiable for the first few months. My Aunt came once a week for a month and clean my house top to bottom. Best. Gift. Ever.

Nicole Woods-Sisk 12 months ago

With my first son I had no one but my single girlfriend who doesn’t want kids come over and check on me on her way home from work. I so wanted people to help me, but I just had to rely on myself. When in the hospital I got 4 hours of sleep I mover 5 days. I didn’t ask for help, thought I was superwoman.

Second baby, different story. Family crisis around deliver I told some people you must text me before coming to visit because I had complications and unjust wanted to rest and nurse. But my one night my friends ended up having a pizza party in my room, best night ever.

Amy 12 months ago

Omg yes!! One of my friends always offers to watch my kids…at her house. Seriously ?? I’ll Just pack up my screaming 3 week old and bring him to your house till I have to leave at 3and in the meantime I’ll sleep on your uncomfortable bed. Save me. I didn’t go.

Sarah Fanning Kelly 12 months ago

Please DON’T bring me gifts. The last thing I need is more stuff around the house to deal with. If you must bring a gift, diapers would be greatly appreciated.

Lacy Duesterhaus 12 months ago

In all fairness, I would have cried happy tears if someone had done any of those for me after I had my kiddo. Definitely a fee good ones to consider doing for someone

Christina Cortellese McGinty 12 months ago

Best thing ever… My family members took turns and came every other day with a meal and told me to sleep while they took care of the baby, happened the 2nd month and lasted for the month and my parents hired cleaning people to come for the first 2 months. I was truly blessed!!

Deanna Holt Miller 12 months ago

Some people thought it was strange that I didn’t want visitors at the hospital except for our immediate family, but I stood firm on it.

Yesenia Little 12 months ago

Love this post! So true. We will be in pain n tired. Exhausted. Emotional. Overwhelmed. My mother in law ALREADY does some of these since I’m pregnant. So grateful for Lori Little

Ness 12 months ago

Yes! My MIL showed up at my house as we pulled in-after a week in the hospital with baby/mama health probs. My little was asleep and my hubs put her in her crib. The MIL tried to go get her to “hold her til she woke up”. I was in pain, exhausted and had just been told my Grandma was going on palliative care. I told the MIL no bc the baby needed sleep and I needed rest, I just wanted everyone to leave so I could sleep too. She told my husband I was acting like a spoiled child. I told him that if she didn’t like it she could leave. My blood still boils thinking about it!

Tahnee Miller 12 months ago

Screw things like this that make such ridiculous demands and then claim that they apply to all pregnant women, new mothers, or just friends. I was the exact opposite of this both times I had children. It’s great if the author felt that way, but to put it out there that every new mom feels exactly the same is dumb. There is more than one right way..

Amy Shiffert 12 months ago

I just had the horrifying realization that I was this bad friend before having a child! This article is so incredible. I’m now ashamed of myself.

Felicia Tee 12 months ago

I wish people would’ve brought me food and did my dishes.

Melissa Adrian 12 months ago

Ha. I should add that after that, if people came over and could obviously see I was drowning in diapers (had 2 in diapers then) kids and housework, and didn’t offer to help and just wanted to hold baby for 2 hours- I started disappearing into my room to “nurse the baby” for the remainder of their visit. No help=no baby love. *some* people got the hint lol

Shannon 12 months ago

I must be the one who is the exact opposite of this. I didn’t mind friends coming over, holding baby, having tea… whatever. Of course, I also didn’t allow visiting kids to leave without picking up the mess they had made. Most of my mommy friends were on board with that, and I have yet to have a mom refuse to make her child pick up when I insist they help. Kids messes aside, I don’t want someone else cleaning my house either. I think the difference may be that my oldest was already 5 1/2 when her little brother was born. I didn’t have 2 under age 3 to contend with. Of course I was still exhausted, but I imagine it isn’t anything like those women whose children are close in age.

Cari Lee Bowersock 12 months ago

So much truth here!

Shanna Boudreau 12 months ago

Not all women have a man next to them every night and would very much like to talk to someone other than a baby

Alexandra Tabet 12 months ago

Haha so true

Desi Sneddon 12 months ago

I had no idea there were rules! But after having a baby I agree with almost all of these. Baby two due any day now

Jennifer ‘Harder’ Thomas 12 months ago

Yes!!! I found having visitors right away was so overwhelming. I was all weepy and tired. I just wanted to sit on the couch and watch Tv while feeding my baby.

Rebecca Dysland 12 months ago

Pretty much ALL true! I remember crying hysterically one evening after recieving a call from some (well-intentioned) surprise visitors…they were “nearby” & just going to “stop in”!!! Ugggh. The house was a mess, I hadn’t showered, hubby had JUST walked in the door & yet I didn’t have the hutspa to say “Not tonight, please.”

Melissa Adrian 12 months ago

After my third, my mom came and brought a huge fried chicken dinner for us, went to the grocery store and stocked us up on easy food (frozen pizza. Stuff we could heat up in 10 seconds.), laundry soap, and a new pile of washcloths. (Suddenly we were using like 40 washcloths a day and had literally used all we had in 3 days and didn’t have time to do the laundry) She did all the laundry for my family of 5 and put it all away, cleaned my bathroom, and then rocked the baby and entertained the 2 year old while I took a loooong shower and slept. It was amazing.

Ashley Melson Qualley 12 months ago

A-freaking-men! Love it!

Elizabeth Segaloff 12 months ago

Love this!

Theresa Barretto-Ibarra 12 months ago

So true!

Rebecca Cecala Epp 12 months ago

I needed to have posted this on my FB page about 61 days ago…

Brandy Irie 12 months ago

The big one for me is all the damn perfume. Why would you spray yourself up like a French whore to hold my baby? All of my kids got serious skin irritation from perfumes.

Stacy Hebein 12 months ago

I didn’t have anyone over. I was OK with that lol

Katy Cabrera 12 months ago

This is so spot on! I have a two week old and hate when people show up empty handed and park on my couch for three hours.

Ingrid Allstrom Anderson 12 months ago

Everyone is different.

Most of these didn’t apply to me at all. No gifts, please! And yes, please hold my baby! And if I offer you food or a drink, don’t be rude. Take it! Also take my laundry and clean my kitchen. 😉

Holly Elizabeth Green 12 months ago

Yeah I would have loved people to visit, I usually ended up at my moms for a few days after I had my kids so I could get a little help. I actually did not have a ride home from the hospital with my third until one of my uncles said he would come, at almost midnight. I was super grateful with my fourth when I had a sick one yr old, was sick myself, and had a newborn, when my friend came over with mcdonalds

Jessica McClellan 12 months ago

Bring food drinks dinner snacks. Just something to help out a new mama.

Suzanne Mills-Houlberg 12 months ago

I agree half and half- not everyone has extra money to spend. But I totally agree on helping new mom out in any way you can.

Crystal Kelley 12 months ago

My husband thought it was a good idea to invite about 20 people over just a few days after we got home from the hospital with our son. I was recovering from a C-section and ended up having a nervous breakdown in our bedroom. Needless to say, we didn’t do that the second time around!

Becky Schroeder 12 months ago

The best thing anyone ever did after I had my third was bring a hot, fresh dinner, then leave. He is 6 now and I was still one of the most appreciated gestures!

Dot Whited McCumsey 12 months ago

Ah yes. I was subjected to the people who said “let me hold the baby while you do that”.

Alicia Stallman Utate 12 months ago

Love! I totally agree. I really just wanted to be alone in my sweats and tshirt looking like crap

Danielle Fallon 12 months ago

I love this website. So freaking much.

Kathryn Richards 12 months ago

Hahaha awesome.

Cymberlee Cleveland 12 months ago

I didn’t even have visitors. I would have been grateful just to have someone to talk to besides a newborn.

Kristen Shipman 12 months ago

My m-I-l should have read this.

Lauralei Schmidling 12 months ago

After I had my son, and people came for an initial visit, I told them not to come back unless they were coming to help out. I was not entertaining people.

SW Florida Web Design 12 months ago

This web site really has all the info I wanted about this subject and didn’t know who to ask.

Funna 1 year ago

While friends can sometimes be disruptive, I encouraged whoever wanted to be a part of our babies’ lives to come whenever they were able. No gifts expected. It is such a temporary ‘chaotic’ time that they are so little and tiresome, but lifelong bonds are formed in those early days…. I find new moms have become way too intense these days – babies are not made of glass and will not ‘break’ with an extra cuddle or slightly delayed sleep time. Real friends know where your kettle is,don’t mind if your dishes are dirty and love you in your old pj’s – just chill and let them come!

H 1 year ago

From the childless girlfriend’s perspective, might I introduce the possibility that your childless friend is not, in fact, in love with your child. It’s highly possible that she has no interest whatsoever in holding and snuggling your terrifying and germ-laden little one. Perhaps she simply wants to show support to her friend, because, hey, that’s what friends do. Now you’re saying that in addition to showing my support and holding a baby I have absolutely no interest in, I have to bring presents and do housework? This after gifting already at numerous showers? I’m not saying that these aren’t wonderful gestures. What I AM saying is that they should not be expected. We in no way participated in the decision-making or baby-making process that resulted in your extremely exhausting child–yet we should not even stop in to show our love if we can’t bring something with us? This is a very greedy perspective, and if my friends who are new mothers feel this way, then they won’t be seeing much more of me.

@ginabegin 1 year ago

You are kidding me! You’d think she was doing it on purpose! :/

kc 1 year ago

Ladies,
in our family hubby monitors who is allowed IN the door when baby arrives,,,,,and the timer is set for 20 minutes and then you are politely told the buzzer went off and it is time to go.

I always tell the girls to get their hair and nails done as baby approaches, you are going to be in a lot of pictures and you want to look your best.

I always make 2 meals and freeze one when I know a baby is on the way in our family……I CALL FIRST to ask when it is OK to deliver the food, and I give a home made coupon book for babysitting, doing laundry,
watching baby on SKYPE or in person while mom takes a shower!

I apologize for your relatives poor behavior……send them my way and I will have a chat with them.

Rachel R. 1 year ago

What the heck?! That is so messed up. If you’re bringing me a live plant, you’d better be PLANTING it outside in my garden where God will water it for me!

Rachel R. 1 year ago

Yep – inexpensive things that keep the older ones BUSY (read: out of trouble) are GOOD! That not only makes the big brother/sister feel special; it’s a gift for Mama!

Fidelis 1 year ago

hi!by any chance are you going to solve the small bug of NOT SHOWING UTF-8 CORRECTLY on yahoo grpous any time soon?because your service as so far the best group-ware I’ve ever seen on the www, yet such a simple issue which can be handled by a simple html tag is not addressed and it’s so frustrating

Yuuki 1 year ago

Legal stuff aside, you’ll most likely get dead fish. Fish get used to the balacne of fresh water and bacteria in the places that they live. If you suddenly switch that, their bodies get really stressed out and they can become severly ill. Death usually happens soon after. It’s the same as if you switched all the water and put new gravel into a goldfish tank.Been there, done that.

Tilly 1 year ago

Love this :-) i totally agree, thi a woman is an idiot.

Tilly 1 year ago

Oh my god what a miserable woman! I totally disagree with this! Of course your friends are going to be excited when you have a new baby! They are YOUR FRIENDS! If they don’t cook you a giant metal “with enough for my husband and leftovers” and clean the entire kitchen, and bring the wrong gift (not no gift, just the wrong gift) it does not mean they are bad friends!!!
I would have felt so upset if my friends hadn’t come to see me and my beautiful baby. In fact a couple of my closest friends did decide to stay away for a while after the birth, and i was desperate to see them so I could show off my boy! Good friends really wouldn’t expect you to put nice clothes on for when they come over, who cares if you look like crap, surely by this point you’ve realized that there are more important things in life. This woman basically just moaned and didn’t once mention the joy of her new child. Apparently he had colick which is hard, but really i think this article is way over the top. I’m surprised that so many people agreed with her!
Also, the bossing people to give more presents is strange, you get given soooooooooooo much stuff, never heard of mums demanding more!!

Mary 1 year ago

reposting this because I posted it in the wrong spot earlier:

Jules, I understand 100% and you are not alone. When we were having our baby, my MIL, who lives out of state, insisted on being there the very day our baby was born. It’s her first grand baby, so we said that was fine. She stayed at a hotel. My mom, who also lives out of state, came to stay with us because she was helping us. My mom helped us the entire time. Well, my MIL “visited” in our hospital room every day for about 10 hours so she could “get the most out of her visit.” She also had to hold our newborn all day long. Then when we got out of the hospital the visits lasted 12 hours in our home– 12 hours! She didn’t offer to do a single thing around the house. Nothing at all. She also made the trip all about herself, crying and getting her feelings her, attempting to guilt trip DH when he told her we needed time to ourselves. Talk about inconsiderate and selfish. Luckily she only stayed three days after the baby was out of the hospital before leaving town. I can tell you it will be very different with baby #2.

MomInAlmond 1 year ago

I think I was a bit different…I didn’t want people to come over to help around the house. I wasn’t too overwhelmed, which was a huge blessing. I wanted people to come meet the baby, hold her and chat with me. :-)

MomInAlmond 1 year ago

I feel like an oddball…I didn’t expect anything of the people who came over to see the baby. When my inlaws came over shortly after #1 was born, I had the house spotless…I never would have expected someone to come over and do these things for me. Sure, I was tired and sore…but no. Even after #2, when #1 was 17 mos old, and a c-section, I didn’t expect this. I didn’t think anything of people who didn’t bring stuff either. I guess I think it’s selfish to expect it. But that’s just me. :-) I don’t expect everyone, or anyone to agree!
*Disclaimer – I mean no offense to any parent who feels the opposite of me…I felt it was selfish to expect those things…not that no one else should*

Liz 1 year ago

I agree with a lot of these points and have many friends that felt this way. My experience being a first time mommy was different. I lived away from family and many of my friends shied away from visiting because they didn’t want to intrude. Transitioning from working to staying at home was a lonely time and I longed to have visitors, show off my baby and have an adult conversation. So instead of coming up with do’s and dont’s may I suggest just simply reach out to the new mom and ask what she needs. If she wants alone time with her family and no company, great. If she wants you to come over for dinner and feed you great! If she wants you to do laundry or not great. What’s important is to realize is that everyone is different and has diverse preferences/needs. Instead of assuming, just check in so you can attend to a person that is most fitting for them.

Brandie 1 year ago

What…I…wow. Your MIL needs a slap across the face.

Brandie 1 year ago

I honestly felt a little guilty because I have been the ‘do nothing’ baby holder before. Other times common sense would kick in and I’d go ‘oh stinky diaper, I got it’. I greatly appreciated having my eyes opened to this, especially wih a new niece due any day now!!

Brandie 1 year ago

I think it’s human nature to talk about whatever the biggest moment of your life is. A new job, stress at work, engaged, dating a new guy, got a new car/house and yes having a baby. It’s going to fill a lot of your conversations. The difference is this new mom has a new “job” and it is a job, new stress in every sense of the word, hurts everywhere, and potentially fighting PMS on steroids if not full blown depression.

Brandie 1 year ago

These moments are about your new family unit and recovery *not* hosting people. It’s one thing if you’re all ‘come meet baby and I’ll make us some coffee and snacks’. It’s another for people to show up and expect to be hosted.

Brandie 1 year ago

Wow!! How inconsiderate. My hubby and I got flu and TDap before my best friend had her baby because we knew she was concerned. My SIL felt weird about asking us to put hand sanitizer on when we first met her 3 day old. She should *not* have to feel weird about it. As a matter of fact, I’d never thought about it and it’s very very smart!!

Brandie 1 year ago

I was dying to see my niece (first one!) this past December but I waited until my bro and sister in law gave the thumbs up. I kept all that to myself because it’s *their* time, not visiting relatives and I didn’t want them to feel obligated to have guests. I gave the congratulations phone call and let me know if they needed anything and when they’re up for guests. It’s what I want people to do for me (6 months along now).

Brandie 1 year ago

Yep! Definitely a “Cups are in x cupboard, tea/coffee is in x spot”.

Brandie 1 year ago

How rude of them! How about a call asking what you needed knowing you’d been snowed in! Or bring freezer food, ya know heat and eat meals in tupperware.

Yeah, no 1 year ago

Wow, you all seem to have confused having a baby with winning the lottery, or booking a VIP package at the Four Seasons. Let me get this straight, between the original post and the comments, you all want your friends to: cook and bring you food (and not just any food, HIGH END food!), do your dishes, do your laundry, change the sheets on your bed, bring you a baby gift (even if they’ve already given you one), AND bring gifts for each one of your other kids? And not just any gifts, gifts that you pre-approve (i.e. pick out and tell me to buy for you) ahead of time? I mean, it’s cool, people without kids obviously have unlimited budgets and lack their own hopes and dreams, so they can totally spend all their disposable income on you. That’s what it’s there for.

Karli 1 year ago

Oh my gosh I wish I had read this before I had kids! I have definitely been THAT friend.

Laura 1 year ago

Love this post! If you can’t bring a meal to your new mommy friend, there is a website called The Meal Stork http://www.themealstork.com where you can send a gourmet meal to the new mom!

Lex 1 year ago

Right? I completely agree. Especially after you’ve been invited to two or more showers for the same person.

Lex 1 year ago

If your husband’s mother is a decent person, that’s really sh*tty of you. You may want your time with your child, but your kid = her grandkid.

Lex 1 year ago

Right? I go over and ask what I can do to help, but I don’t assume that they’re fine with me doing their dishes/laundry/etc. I would die if someone loaded my dishwasher or folded my underwear. I always take a casserole in a disposable pan that is ready to go in the freezer and then offer to hold the baby while she takes a nap and/or shower.

Lex 1 year ago

You’re not the only dissenting opinion. People think they’re God’s gift to the world and their babies are the second coming.

Lex 1 year ago

I know this list is partly in jest, but just be thankful that anyone gives enough of a sh*t about you to come over at all.

Lex 1 year ago

You’re going to be a grandmother someday, God-willing. I really doubt she expected you to wait on her hand and foot. And maybe she wanted to snuggle with HER grandson.

Kristy 1 year ago

I love the suggestions on how to visit. I never had the issue with visitors. Why? Because the only ones I saw was my husband and mother. I will say I am a fan of any grown human contact over none. Occasionally my mother would come by but maybe once a week. Once I had one friend come and I was so happy just have an interaction with someone new. I cooked and cleaned and everything. It was rejuvenating. The trick is to find a happy medium. Only take visitors 2-3 times a week.

Lisa 1 year ago

My MIL had a cough. She said she took something before making the trip. Our pediatrician suggested anyone with a cough to wear a mask. It was the height of cold and flu season. MIL got her feelings hurt when my DH told her. I didn’t care. Our number one job is protecting our newborn, not sparing her feelings. How selfish is that? It’s not about her. Luckily when she did cough, she was already wearing her mask. If our newborn would have caught anything, I don’t think she would be alive today.

Mary 1 year ago

When we were having our baby, my MIL, who lives out of state, insisted on being there the very day our baby was born. It’s her first grand baby, so we said that was fine. She stayed at a hotel. My mom, who also lives out of state, came to stay with us because she was helping us. My mom helped us the entire time. Well, my MIL “visited” in our hospital room every day for about 10 hours so she could “get the most out of her visit.” She also had to hold our newborn all day long. Then when we got out of the hospital the visits lasted 12 hours in our home– 12 hours! She didn’t offer to do a single thing around the house. Nothing at all. She also made the trip all about herself, crying and getting her feelings her, attempting to guilt trip DH when he told her we needed time to ourselves. Talk about inconsiderate and selfish. Luckily she only stayed three days after the baby was out of the hospital before leaving town. I can tell you it will be very different with baby #2.

Sally 1 year ago

THANK YOU for saying this!!

Sally 1 year ago

If you’re pissed you have to get up and make coffee you have no one but yourself to blame if you offered. Ask your friend to swing by Starbucks on her way there!

Sally 1 year ago

Amen sister.

Maureen 1 year ago

Awesome!!!! The very day I had my daughter, that night, maybe 30 minutes after she got to sleep, I was enjoying the peace all by myself when all of a sudden, a customer (aquaintance…not BFF) showed up at the door (and yes, I was in the hospital). She brought a gift, which is still in the closet since I don’t have time to cut and paste a picture album together. Insisted on holding the baby, even though I told her she just got to sleep. Held her in such a fashion…like patting her hard enough on the bum so she would wake up…and she did. And I just looked at her like…lady….I haven’t slept…I just pushed a baby out of me….please, for the love of God, put my girl down and go home. I ended up telling her that I was exhausted and that maybe when we’re settled at home she could visit. I ended up telling the nurse….I don’t care who it is at the nurse’s station, no more visitors unless I clear them. Of course, after I told her the whole story, she was furious for me.
After…..anytime she would come and patron my establishment, she would ask if she could see the baby…I ended up telling her, girl….she sleeps. I am sure as hell not going to wake her up so you can see her. Even my idiot husband (now ex) said..you should bring her down because people want to see her. I told him…that’s my daughter, not marketing. Learn the difference because she is the only one I will jump for…not for a customer. They aren’t here to change diapers or offer help so I can shower more then once a week.
People, I think are just utterly clueless, even though their heart may be in the right place. They are still clueless. But as a parent, you just need to voice your opinion rather the stifle it. Look at the story I just gave. It caused me stress until I addressed it and just politely said no to people. They may not have liked it, but I can’t help that.

Anna 1 year ago

I just wrote upon this and its a great way you know to get your friend to help offer her some time with the baby and then say it would be great for you two to bond while i get some much needed rest or if you have to pump milk or take a shower and let them know I am grateful you came to meet the new little one I am delated to have you over for some chat as well but I haven’t had a shower in a while and it would be nice to get back to the old me for a bit you won’t mind…I have a dog at home and when the dog is over its hard to get things done so sometimes I ask my mother in law to bond with the dog while I take care of things if he can’t go into the store with me or at home my husband will play while I shower and it gives me a chance to regain myself and not having to be a caregiver for the dog. He is old enough but he still is the type that needs love and attention all day and if you don’t give it to him he will nap all day and just ignore you. I work with children as well so I am also an educator and someone who has been a sitter since I was nine to friends and family. I have a background and although I am not a mother I just wanted to share which I have on here if you read it that I want women to know your friends are going to come over to great the new little done and shower with gifts expect that and let it be don’t make a big federal case out of it but also take that opportunity as you stake to get some down time for you to feel a bit better. A good way also is say would you like some coffee and tea if so would you mind helping me out a bit by making us some and we can catch over some tea and coffee. Being polite to the guest and also you know keeping your boundaries will make it a win win situation I think.

Anna 1 year ago

Hi I am just out of the newly wed stage and although we both work with children and having grown up as a child sitter to my mom’s friends when they ere studying for nursing exams I speak from my heart as a woman who has seen it all although I am not a mother and have not yet become a mother to experience things. I am a do it myself kind of woman who has a type A personality where everything has to go in their accordingly places and if its not done this way I get it up there in my frustrations. So here is my take on this when you are friends with people and in their time of life when they get married they want to share that joy and excitement with you such as going out to dinner as my husband when we got engaged we went out with a couple friends and we shared our excitement and when she got pregnant with her first child her and her husband went out with us to share their excitement and I have done this with another couple where we shared our engagement excitement with them while they shared baby joy with us news. Its kind of a friend thing to do when you good friends with your friends. When you get engaged its going to be about oh let me see that gorgeous ring how did it happen when instead of is there anything i can help you with or give you some advice on things that you might have been through being married. As my friend looked at my ring she said nice ring oh just to share with you enjoy your planning and wedding because it goes by fast and we took that advice and soaked it right in as it was useful especially having gone through a lost of two beloved grandparents two months before our wedding. So where am I going with this ok you may ask, here is the next part you have your shower and when you do that for your baby shower women are going to be asking can i feel the baby and really spoil you new mom to be and give you advice. So you see each stage of excitement women want to be up there giving you the advice and around you for that joy. If you think about it when you don’t need it during being a new mom that moment people coming to see your baby not really for you just to hold it and go aww and ooo they have just done that same thing when you got engaged and attended your bridal shower including your wedding and then baby shower. So when your guest come over think about when they did that to you during your other major events and let it slide they are there to shower you with love and hold the baby to say how precious it is and that you did it you finally a mom plus its a new baby you will have a whole eighteen years to raise this child so letting them hold its a perfect time to say would you mind being around so I can take some of that much needed break with some coffee and a shower and they have a chance to meet the new one while you use that time to shower and get ready. I remember visiting my friend and i brought her some goodies and feed the baby so she could take a shower to get ready for shabbos and her husband was getting dressed so i told him feeding her and putting her to sleep would be fine with me so they can get their time to replenish their self and get ready. I remember helping my parents with the little one while my mom worked or so she can get a break. Utilize that time to get some you time. But please don’t be rude as in thinking oh why my friend is here to great the baby and you are stuck to host and entertain them and or shower them with food and drinks. I would rather think it would be more useful to let the person visiting you and the baby know would you mind spending some time with the new one while i refresh and shower and get some me time this would be of great help and I know since you were wanting to meet the new little one it gives you a chance to meet him or her while I get my much needed rest a bit or shower or what ever it is you needed. This way it makes your guest feel great that they have that chance to meet the new little one and you get the much time needed to take care of yourself. I know I know when I get pregnant and become a mom myself I will feel what some of you are feeling but let me tell you meeting that new little one is amazing. My husband’s friend brought over the little one when she was a bit more older like three months something like that it was great because he had a chance to chat with my husband and catch up while I played with her. Or another friend of mine I offered her as a gift to watch the kids so she can go out and this way I was able to play a bit with the new baby burp and take care of the other two a bit. Hey anything to get you to feel normal again is better then feeling why she here for baby instead of wanting to chat up with me or help me around here I went through so much. I watched my mom go through stuff and have children but its not like your friends feeling great fullness that you have welcomed a new joy into your life. Get used to it because by the time your children get older you may not have that same bond with the same friend and it may go change and what not. I personally won’t suggest to do a party event and there everyone wanting to hold the baby but have your friends you know know it would be lovely to have you over to meet the new little as it give me a chance to be me again for some time while you meet the new little one and bond a bit. I hope this gives you ladies a perspective of someone who is an educator and knows all about this despite the fact I am not a mom and have not yet welcomed any children into my life.

Taylor 1 year ago

My husband was in Afghanistan when our daughter was born and I was lucky enough to live with my parents till he got back so I had help and they were wonderful. But, I only had like 2 people visit me and I wish more would have thought to come because I was very lonely. So I guess in a way I’m saying maybe be thankful you had people thinking of you and your little one. Minus rude behavior! Also your list of Do’s are AWESOME! I always bring a little gift for mommy with pampering items in it.

Gail 1 year ago

I agree with this post (#46.) You are suggesting what my Mom used to say “looking a gift horse in the mouth.” I wouldn’t ever EXPECT visitors to bring anything or to clean my house.
A new baby is a blessing and folks shouldn’t have to “buy” time with my baby.

LeAnn 1 year ago

This entitled article is such a crock of sh*t. Women in this generation think they invented motherhood. Maybe your MIL – who knows exactly what it’s like to be a mother…she did have your husband after all without any of the modern comforts you have today…like say a microwave to heat up the food you can’t seem to figure out how to procure – brought you a plant because she thinks your an a$$hole.

Janette79 1 year ago

My rule was “if you wake the baby you better be ready to breast feed.” I’d spend so much time nursing my baby and she would just be sleeping peacefully in a bouncy chair and visitors would think it was funny to wake her. Thanks for making more work for me guys! So glad you came by.

Janette79 1 year ago

Ummm… I don’t remember writing this… Lol. I had the EXACT same evening, except pot roast instead of lasagna.

Laura 1 year ago

My in-laws came to visit 1 week after being home with our little angel. For some reason my MIL thought making a HUGE rib dinner in our tiny duplex kitchen was a good idea. The house was filled with smoke. And while they were cooking she even decided to take a nap. The baby was screaming, the smoke detectors were blaring, she cooked until 9:00 at night and then didnt do the dishes!!
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT, go to a new babies home and cook in their kitchen!!!!

polly bbrumfield 1 year ago

what a neat comment to make. just goes to show you there’s truth in the old adage, “if life gives you lemons, make lemonade”!

jo 1 year ago

Why do you have carpet in your bathroom?

Jme 1 year ago

You take things too seriously. Lighten up!

Jme 1 year ago

Well aren’t you just perfect.

Christy 1 year ago

The author forgot 1 rule that you’d be surprised how many people forget.

COLD AND FLU SEASON.

Just…. don’t… go ….. unless you’ve personally ran your entire body through a hefty sanitizing process.

Oh and don’t expect us to show up to Christmas dinner either – especially when the baby is less than 2 months old.

Katie 1 year ago

Wow. Just wow. I am amazed at some of the demanding items on your list. Do you even like these women that are coming to see you? I love my girlfriends and I don’t expect them to show up at my door with expensive gifts and lunches. Those things are done from a heart of love and I appreciate the gestures but don’t demand them. What a very sad and selfish viewpoint. I’m surprised I’m the only dissenting opinion.

Cassie 1 year ago

While this post has some wonderful thoughts, I have to disagree about bringing things with you. Why does everyone have to give gifts at a shower and then again when they visit? The parents made the baby perhaps they should pay for it too? It’s pretty obnoxious that people expect so many freebies when they have a child.

Indrani 1 year ago

Oh my god, motherhood officially sounds like hell.

Diane 1 year ago

Yes! Thank you for writing this! After my first, which was a c section, my in laws stayed at our house and invited friends over -to our house- to show off the baby. And I had to make dinner for everyone. They never cleaned up after themselves, their stuff was sprawled all over the place and they ate all the leftovers from the dinners brought by friends! They have a son nearby who lives alone that they could have stayed with but for some reason they felt the need to impose upon us with our brand new baby and me recovering from surgery. They did the same thing after my second was born in May and continue to just show up and expect to stay with us as if its no hassle at all.

brit 1 year ago

I think this list is very subjective even if it fits some personalities. I’ll admit I’m a strong personality. If I say you can come over I’m prepared for a guest and I’m not afraid of turning away company if I’m tired. So if you come over and start cleaning my house, doing my laundry or dishes I hear, “you’re a terrible housekeeper and your uncleanness is making me uncomfortable to the point of doing your chores.” Ugh! Just sit and be comfortable and don’t say or do anything to draw attention to the mess. Ignore it because chances are its the best it’s looked all day and I don’t need you cleaning my house making me feel like an inadequate housekeeper. Second, if I offer you food or drink you BETTER take it. That’s how I love people. It’s an insult to not take food or drink if offered. If I don’t have enough for you, I will tell you. Again, this may be a list for certain individuals, but you need to know the person first.

HeatherDan 1 year ago

The only visitors I got when my twins were born were “baby holders”. They really didn’t help much. It seems most, not all, but most of the people that never had a baby don’t know how to help or what we need. And to be honest before I had my babies I was giving “newborn sized” clothes as gifts to newborns. Now that I know that they grow so fast and might actually be born big I always give like 6 or 9 months size. I didn’t know about nipple cream or pads until I needed them! So I will be the BETTER person and still try to help my friends when they have their newborns. I am not going to give them crap gifts on purpose or anything.

In general people shouldn’t complain about gifts. Do you want your kids to grow up complaining about a gift that came from someone? And BTW I like a photo frame as a gift. Many people today just snap digital pics and never print or frame photos. People are amazed how many framed pics I have of my kids around the house and the kids like looking at printed photos too!

mamaem 1 year ago

I would add not visiting the hospital unannounced to this list. When my daughter was born, I was happy to have visitors in the hospital, but between being checked by the nurses, attempting to learn to breastfeed, and just being generally exhausted, it wasn’t always a good time. I really appreciated when family or friends would call first and ask if they could stop by in 10 minutes or not. If not, my husband would just tell them when a better time might be.

One of my in-laws showed up unannounced less than six hours after my daughter’s birth, as I was trying to get her to latch and nurse. My husband tried to stop her at the door, but she insisted I needed her “moral support” and marched right past him. I spent a very uncomfortable and frustrating 30 minutes trying to simultaneously get my baby to latch for maybe the second time ever and listen to my relative’s advice on nursing. The baby was fussing, I felt uncomfortable being half naked in front of this relative that I wasn’t that close to (I hadn’t figured nursing out enough yet to even attempt a nursing cover), and it was just generally awful. I’m due with baby 2 in October and am going to be a lot more firm about who can come into the hospital room, and when.

Ashleigh Harris 1 year ago

I am a FTM and have a beautiful four month old baby boy. I don’t understand why some of you expect all these things from your friends. I love my friends popping around to just visit us. Why shouldn’t they sit and cuddle the new bubba?? I love to cuddle him so why wouldn’t they?? I do not want them washing up or folding clothes, I want them to get to know the most special person in my life. They are making an effort to come see you and your family. everyone else has things going on in there lives as well, shouldn’t it be enough that they make time and want to come and spend time with you and bubs? Also I would never complain about a gift that I was given for bub, just the fact that they have thought about him and wanted to give him something is so much that I would never be upset or cross about what he was given.

Regina 1 year ago

Several decades ago, I brought home a high needs baby after long and difficult labor. My truly lovely relatives insisted on coming over that day, because the baby had been in isolation and not available to them in the hospital. Because they had an accident, they were several hours late, but didn’t call, so we stayed awake and fretted. They got to hold the baby, have pictures taken, and spend several hours talking about their accident. We were very grateful they were okay. But here it is, several decades later, and it still seems like a disasterous visit from start to finish. Although the original post is not quite what I would write, it hits at a truth. Holding someone else’s newborn is a privilege, not a right, unless you are an elder giving the baby it’s first blessing. When this baby was 3 months old, my family had a party during which I was expected to give everyone a chance to hold and play with her, to get her used to all those interested in her upbringing and welfare. She screamed, and I was judged to have ruined her by keeping others at a distance, when in fact, she was highly sensitive and in pain. Luckily they all gave in after an endless (for me) 10 minutes. Her life has been a series of opportunities for us to show that different is not bad, that care can start with the individual and extend to the group, rather than always the other way around. All the folks who object to the original post describing what the mother wished had happened for her and her newborn, do not seem to hear her plea for care and understanding as she needed it, but wish to apply their standards and values to her and tell her she does not deserve what she wanted, and maybe did really need. Just like with my family, learning that others are different does not mean they are bad. Many of the younger women in my family have been treated with greater respect since I was labeled a bad mother, because my child has grown to be a generous person, who can bend with the group and provide for them.

Grace 1 year ago

A friend has just had #2, and #1 was about 3 years old. She said #1 was cranky, didn’t like anyone near her brother, so not to worry if she fussed, or sulked.

When I went to the nursery, I asked older sister if I could visit her new brother (after hello, and a bit of fuss over her, and how pretty she looked, etc.) She said yes, took my hand, and lead me into the nursery.

All she wanted was a bit of recognition, and in her own way, a bit of power. Her Mom said I was the only one who didn’t get a sulk.

Honor the Elder!

Melissa 1 year ago

Ok so I always assumed that “Give me the baby, Take a nap” was the best thing you could say to a new mommy. I never really thought about the whole food thing and I have two kids. Now it all makes sense, “Give me the baby, take a nap” and while mommies napping: cook, clean and what ever else needs done.

Jess 1 year ago

I thought the article was funny, even though I didn’t personally feel this way. I LOVED having company- I guess it’s just a people person thing. And I loved showing off my new babies. I also didn’t care if someone thought my house should have been cleaner or whatever, it was just all good….until the postpartum blues hit, then I was REALLY REALLY glad for company. I guess the most important thing is to let others know what YOU want/need. Know yourself and then help others help you. But most of all, enjoy that new baby. They get big far too fast.

Karyl 1 year ago

I have a friend who gave birth to twins about 14 years ago and still tells people how another friend and I would come and hold her babies and talk. She craved adult conversation and a little help with the babies. We did fold laundry and straighten up her home but mostly we talked. If really depends on what the needs of the new mom are. This mom told me her little boy was so calm when I held him, we joked I was the boy whisperer.

Kathy 1 year ago

I’m 44, my son is grown up and I DON’T agree with Jackie.

Everyone is different. Everyone has a different personality. My ex had a huge family and when my son was born and there was a steady stream of visitors it *was* overwhelming for me. It didn’t help that the ex just let people do what they wanted and wasn’t supportive of me or cared that I was tired, sore, hormonal and very overwhelmed. I was in no position to set and enforce boundaries and the one person who was wouldn’t do it. And people can sense when you have a chink in your armor and the minute they sense that you are too overwhelmed to enforce your boundaries, they’re going to push them. Plus I was always uncomfortable in large groups of people and having everyone come over all the time was very overwhelming for me. On top of that, I had postpartum depression, which just made things worse.

Another point I wanted to make is that it’s polite to offer to clean or to bring something with you or even to watch the baby for a bit so you can have some alone time for a bit. I never expected people to come over and cook my supper or do my laundry or bring me things, but if they offered, I surely wasn’t going to say no to them.

On the flip side, as much as you want to, you can’t control what everyone else says or does. And yes, people are going to say and do things that seriously annoy you, and those post-pregnancy hormones are nothing to mess around with, either. I fell into that trap when my son was a baby and looking back on it, I should have done a better job picking my battles. And yes, it’s easier said than done when you’re full of hormones and it’s your first kid and Mama Bear wants to come out when someone looks at your baby cross-eyed. I have the benefit of hindsight, but I know that at the time, had there been Internet and a blog like this, I probably would have written a post just like this one.

Some of you need to lighten up. Either you’re too new to parenthood or you have forgotten what its like when you have your first child and you’re tired and you’re on Week 2 of a three week long period and you’re having trouble getting the hang of nursing or your nipples are chapped and your boobs hurt like hell and you don’t get enough sleep because the baby is sleeping in a bassinet in your room because you are limited on how many times a day you’re allowed to go up and down a flight of stairs and every time the kid stirs, you wake up.

There is a learning curve that comes with parenting and some of that learning involves how you relate to others now that you have a child. Another part is learning that you can’t control the world around you, what other people do, or how other people react. The only thing you can control is how *you* react to things. It’s a lesson that takes awhile to learn. Some people learn it and find that it frees them from worrying about dumb stuff (which comes in handy when your baby turns into a Scary Teen-Ager), others never learn it and spend their lives being miserable and stressed out from trying to control things they can’t.

The moral of the story is this: if you’re the friend or the visitor, it’s polite to offer to help with the housework. It’s polite to come over with food. It’s polite to not make more work for the new mom. It’s polite to make the offer, but not mandatory. Mom is the one who decides if she’s going to take you up on it or not.

And if you’re a brand new mom, there’s something about babies that make people just lose their shit. I don’t know if it’s that new baby smell or the new life or the fact that everything is so tiny and tiny is sweet and adorable, but people just lose their shit. This is even more true if you are the lucky person to have given birth to the first grandchild in the family on one or both sides. You’re going to get unsolicited advice because there is something, maybe the new baby smell causes this, that compels other women, particularly your mother and/or mother-in-law to tell you what to do whether you like it or not. I always found it helpful to nod, smile, say thank-you and then drop in a reference to the nurse at the hospital or your doctor told you to do it the way you’re doing it now.

But here’s the thing: after a few months, the novelty wears off and people stop coming over all the time. You’re less tired, your hormones settle down and you find that some of the stuff you were obsessing over was actually kind of silly. You’ll make it through this.

Bonnie 1 year ago

Aaaaaand this is why I have decided no visitors for the first 2 weeks after having my baby. The only person allowed at my house after is my spouse and my mom. Everyone else can come see the baby at the hospital. I am going to be tired, cranky, sore and not in the mood for company. If my friends and family don’t like it, then that’s their problem not mine.

Liz 1 year ago

A rule to add for new mamas visiting other new mamas: Keep your visits short. And don’t bring hand-me-downs unless: 1. They asked for them, 2. You wrapped them up real pretty, or 3. Both.

Abigail’s Mommy 1 year ago

Because she is a thoughtful friend.

toni 1 year ago

After having 5 children without much post partum help, I vowed to be the best ‘visitor’ I could be. I try to keep my visits short, bring at least a small treat (cookies, rolls…) and CALL AHEAD to see if she was up to it. I would help if she wanted it (Some mothers don’t want it) and then I would leave. When my daughter had her baby, I decided to let her rest as much as possible. While in the hospital, her MIL and I cleaned the whole house, Started laundry and set out treats. Now I take baby (I live in an apartment in same house as her) when she needs naps, bathe and run errands. This has helped her adjust. No ‘baby blues’, no crying jags…. Just a happy mommy and baby. Grammy here has gotten to bond with grandson so when Mommy has to go back to work, Grammy already knows baby’s needs and quirks and Mommy will feel comfortable with his care. The trick is knowing when to help and when to back off. ASK! Mommy will thank you and will be honest about her needs. Don’t ask general questions, be specific. Can I do your dishes? Can I clean your bathroom? Is there anything you need from the store? Would you like a nap or a long bath? If she says no, take her at her word. If she says yes, try to do it all HER way. Mommies need all the help she can get. After delivering, the world DOES revolve around her.

Allison 1 year ago

I like the point of the article. If you are coming act like a thoughtful friend. I understand the critics about consumerism and entitlement but I don’t think it is wrong to say for this particular instance meeting a new baby/new mom is not to be a need sponge. It doesn’t mean you will forever be in a position of cleaning your friends house or bringing over food. In a good friendships you recognize when you are the needy one and when there needs are high. If you are a thoughtful person I’m sure you can think of many ways to make sure your friend feels loved and supported-do those. But also know your friend might not be able to offer alot of emotional energy. I was incredible thankful for all of our friends and family that helped us but I had a rough delivery and ended up in the ICU following an emergency my body was tore up and I was a little shell shocked add to that hormone changes, and a child that wasn’t nursing well and I was not a great emotional responder. My MIL thought I didn’t want her to visit b/c I was so flat or short when I talked. Our group of friends has a food rotation for two weeks every other day. It spreads out the visit. It was great to not have to cook for two weeks and also it spread out the visitors pretty well.

Jamie-Lynn 1 year ago

My mom always tells the story of me asking when my sister was going back! lol

Marandi 1 year ago

Oh, dear. Sleep begets sleep. The more they sleep, the better they will sleep. An overtired baby will not sleep better but worse. Maybe try that approach the next time around.

Laura Bailey 1 year ago

…and for the love of God, DON’T tell her that you understand because your cat/dog/hamster does the same things!

OldSchoolMom 1 year ago

Nothing angers me more than someone else cleaning my house for me. One person who did me the “favor” of cleaning my stove took a brillo pad to it and completely scratched off sections of paint, then proceeded to totally ruin the non-stick coating on a pan with that same brillo pad. Another time after doing me the “favor” of emptying my dishwasher and refilling it and turning it on, I couldn’t find anything because since I apparently didn’t have my utensils and dishes in the correct cabinets it was corrected for me. Later I opened the dishwasher to find a plastic bowl completely melted on the bottom shelf. Towels folded in such a way that they don’t fit on the linen closet shelf, socks stretched out and stuffed into each other so that they don’t stay on your feet, bleach stains on the bathroom carpet from the “favor” of cleaning my toilet. Thanks but no thanks, I’d appreciate it if guests would simply spend time with me having an interesting conversation and forget the favors when I come home from the hospital.

jeannie 1 year ago

I read the article and most of the complaints about visitors as those who didn’t come to give the new mommy a break. I agree, getting a break is nice. The problem is with the visitors who want to come meet, play with, hold, whatever the baby AND expect mom to entertain them, too. (Like the comment about the one who was holding the baby and asked for mommy to fix her some tea.) The friends/family who come to visit and give mom a break are great. The friends who come to visit and give mom more work–not so much.

Nicole Lord 1 year ago

This is so fantastic! I really hated having anyone touch my baby when he was first born, covering him in their perfume and not listening to me when I say he’s hungry. I would have loved a pasta bake, or half hour cleaning. I do think it’s rude to go visit a new mum and baby without a gift or gesture, she put so much effort into making that baby, the least you can do is pick the post up off the mat!

Emily 1 year ago

One from my mom’s stories – if this is the second baby, come by and take the toddler out for a play day. She says that when I was born, everyone just wanted to sit and hold me, but she had a attention-seeking two-year-old driving her CRAZY. And granted, my sister was probably going crazy too. Older sibling is having a really new situation that is hard to adjust to and could probably use some special time away from the new baby, and mama could use some time where her attention doesn’t have to be split. :)

Carolyn Graf 1 year ago

I can’t tell you how many useless (and sometimes dangerous!) decor items and out of season/wrong size clothing I have basically thrown away (aka donated, but let’s be honest no one is going to buy a music box snow globe in goodwill!) Take food, good food, toilet paper, paper towels. Make yourself useful or make yourself scarce.

Amanda Alexander 1 year ago

Kinda disagree. Don’t fold their laundry, especially underwear. I don’t think the food has to be take-out, just practical and easily re-heated, and within their diet. If it’s a friend you know well, you’ll know if she wants you to load her dish washer, or anything like that, or if she’d prefer you not. Maybe you can hold the baby while she does it, if she’s particular about how it’s done.. I DO agree about the over stimulating the baby part, if the baby is fussing, just GIVE HIM BACK! And keep the visit short. Ok, that’s my two cents 😉

Carla Santos 1 year ago

Agree! ! ! !

Rachel Khan 1 year ago

I actually really like it. It’s NOT a new mum saying, “Bring me expensive food so I can eat that in the bath while you clean my kitchen and watch the baby”, it’s a mum saying, “You know, these things would have been so much appreciated, I recommend you do them for any friends with babies if you want to do something nice”. It’s not rude at all to suggest that you take your friend (not yourself!) nice food, help her out, don’t barge in etc.

Cristina Zamfir 1 year ago

I agree 80%!

Heather Kilpatrick Preonas 1 year ago

I agree, except for the bringing another gift part. I was so exhausted, drained and overwhelmed in those first weeks after birth. Most of the time, visitors made me feel more tired rather than better–I felt like I had to be “on” when what I really just wanted was a nap and a shower. Those who did ask to help would ask a million questions: what did I want to eat, how could they help, etc., which was nice, except that I was so sleep deprived I literally could not make the simplest of decisions, and then I would feel pressured and ungrateful. Someone coming in and taking charge would have really helped

Melanie Savant 1 year ago

I don’t agree. I think the first week should be kind of low key but once mama is rested (as much as possible with a newborn..lol) that it’s wonderful to share your bundle of joy with those you love!

Megan Fisher 1 year ago

Before bringing food, double check if they need anything and that they don’t have it. (We got so much salad!) Also, it doesn’t matter who you are to that baby or how far you traveled to see it. You never ask the new parents “what’s for dinner?” And expect them to play host.

Leia Booher 1 year ago

Ladies! This article is not geared toward princesses and such. What I got from it is just put some thought into what you can do to help mommy, to lessen her load not to put you out! And yes I have two children. See the humor in it.

Shannon Salazar 1 year ago

Agree!!

Rachel Sturm Suydam 1 year ago

I have four children. I actually asked people NOT to bring food (with the exception of a couple people whom I asked for a small serving of thier left overs for my lunch…and I would have asked them whether or not I had a new baby!). I LOVED having company with or without their children. I much preferred social interaction over a cuppa while chillin on the couch to having someone turn thier visit into a chore. There were only a small few o would let do any housework…and that was only be wise I knew they considered “acts of service” as thier primary way to show love.

Melissa M. Leonhardt 1 year ago

mostly agree

Amy Michelle Zigler 1 year ago

Not sure I totally agree! Bring a meal, please! But a gift is not a must. Calling from the drug store is great, but also not necessary! I would have loved to just have company while I did something other than sit on the couch

Joni Lynn Wilson Holland 1 year ago

I think this is a bit harsh. Mom of 2 and pregnant with twins

Brooke Mueller 1 year ago

Bringing a gift is definitely not expected, but the food was wonderful. Also, why attack the woman who wrote this? Every woman is obviously different. I hemorrhaged during labor, so I couldn’t leave bed for a week or two without passing out from loss of blood. And it was very stressful having friends and family coming into my bedroom and sitting on my bed. We had nursing issues and all I wanted to do was sleep, and be shirtless. We also had a couple of unannounced visitors, which was the worst. And I will admit, I was and still am pretty selfish when it comes to my baby. Besides my parents and husband, I have a hard time letting anyone else hold my baby.

Sheila Northcott-Merchant 1 year ago

lol @ I hate to say it, but if you can’t afford to buy her a decent lunch, then you need to consider whether you can really afford to hold this baby.
I wouldn’t go that far but bringing food is really nice.

Chelsea Blair 1 year ago

I love this! I think it’s pretty spot on

Elizabeth Anne 1 year ago

So so wrong. The first few months of motherhood are mind numbingly boring. Company was always appreciated and I was always showered with makeup on.

Tara Queen-Custodio 1 year ago

Absolutely agree. Those who disagree how many kids do you have? I don’t expect any ass kissing but I sure as hell don’t want to entertain! If you want to come over expect me to disappear for 1/2 hour and shower and grab a quiet bite of food… After 5-6 weeks then I’m good to go, but recovering from a c section is rough, hubby is only home for two weeks and them with two older ones to get off to school… I don’t want to be worried about leaky boobs and getting dressed and cleaning before you come over. NO DROP IN VISITS and while I don’t expect anyone to necessarily clean or bring food – be willing to sit with the baby while I shower.

Michele Goulet-Warner 1 year ago

Agree so hard! Especially for babies after no. 1. That’s when you really need the help and for some reason everyone acts like you have it under control. Take the other kids out for a bit!

Margaret Leonard 1 year ago

Spot on! I made these mistakes myself and with baby #2 on the way I really get it.

Maryn Gemgnani 1 year ago

100% Agree! (And I’m sorry to admit, I know exactly what ‘roots hurt because my hair’s so dirty’ feels like. (Maybe it’s because I’m new to this and most of my friends don’t had kids?). I found her sentiment very relatable.

Lin Roday Turner 1 year ago

I don’t let anyone hold my babies ! They are mine, all mine ! I am fearful of germs as well. Last if they have kids too I wouldn’t appreciate a house full of crazy kids. Now if a very close friend came over and wanted to quietly hold my baby so I could shower, OK. Or play a quite game with my other kids. Maybe wash my dishes, cook me something to eat, start a load of laundry… Now that is a friend! At least that is what I imagine and I would do if I had friends.

Kristy Lane 1 year ago

Skip the gifts. We have the numbers to every takout place within 20 miles. Bring me real food! Even groceries or fresh fruit/veggies is better then take out we can get ourself. Shopping takes much more effort. Leave the laundry, but the kitchen always needs cleaning or sweeping. Take the garbage out while you’re at it 😉

Megan Toole 1 year ago

I liked having visitors. But unannounced visitors, either friend or family, is not appreciated. Food is nice but not required. If you do want to hold the baby and have 15 minutes expect me to take advantage and shower. :-)

Joyce Ann Weaver 1 year ago

Soooooo wrong! I loved/ love visitors. Sure, food, gifts, and chores are awesome but so is company.
I’d appreciate someone coming and talking to me and accepting I would be a hot mess. Hey I might even fit in a shower while they enjoyed fresh baby scent!

Lindsay Flower 1 year ago

I enjoyed all my visitors! For me I needed to “feel a little bit like myself”, so having someone hold my baby while I was able to grab a snack, etc was very much appreciated. These lists are nice, but generalizing, in my opinion. Everyone is different and will need/want different things with regards to their post postpartum visitors.

K Michelle Noseworthy McCarthy 1 year ago

This goes double for family!

Shannon McIver 1 year ago

It really doesn’t bother me either way how ever … Please do not bring the chaos of your kids with you!!! That’s a pet peeve for me…

Luckless Poppy 1 year ago

Yes, yes, yes! Omg yes! I NEEDED food, I hardly ate! I like all of these. I want to be THAT FRIEND. I don’t know why everyone’s freaking out!

Leah Thompson 1 year ago

I like this list! Helpers are good when all you are doing is nursing and resting with baby!

Gillian Brennan 1 year ago

Please bring food- so hard to get around to it.. neighbors did that for us.. what a godsen.. also dont rush to the hospital. teh time the baby is sleeping i felt like i had to entertain after just giving birth.. all i wanted to do was sleep and shower..

Tom Knox 1 year ago

I’m glad that the daddy’s get some live in that article too

Nadine Healey 1 year ago

really? ? I would never have expected any of my friends to bring gifts or food thats disgusting and when I offered food I intended for them to eat with us. I did ask that they gave daddy a chance to spend time with his little man while he was off work but aside from that I loved visitors I loved showing off my perfect little person and I LOVED that my friends wanted to give him kisses and cuddles too.

Nicole Potter 1 year ago

I don’t have any rules. Come, visit, drink in the sweet smell of a squishy new baby. Bonus if you bring some food, but by no means a requirement. Brand new babies are a special joy that I’m happy to share with people I know, no rules or regulations. <3

Montana V. Petersen 1 year ago

Dunno, I had a very different experience. So I’d replace all the rules with one suggestion:

As a new mom, don’t be afraid to ask anyone (I mean anyone!) for specific kinds of help, or tell them to leave, even well intentioned grandparent house guests can get outside for an afternoon. I would’ve loved more visitors and preferred not to share my little one, especially early on. A bit selfish, I know! :-)

Jen Stamets 1 year ago

Do not come over later at night in those first few days. We are all exhausted and baby needs to learn night and day.

Hannah Salisbury 1 year ago

I like to bring pre-cut up snacks like fruit or veggie sticks or something so when the new mama is peckish she can just grab a snack.

Brie 1 year ago

I have a small contribution! Do not, under any circumstances, come over during or right before nap time! And certainly do not come over right before nap time and fall asleep in moms bed or couch!

I actually had that happen. She fell asleep while holding my daughter! I had to wake her up and ask her to leave so I could take a shower while my baby napped. She offered to then watch my daughter while I showered. I declined, saying I had to learn how to do it on my own anyway, (being a SAHM, I wouldn’t get a break anyway once the newborn frenzy died down and I was determined to not be dependent on help. ) she left and that’s the last time I answered my door if she was there. She also referred to my baby as “her baby” which creeped me out.

Another thing, do not throw a fit if you aren’t elected “godmother”. Some people!!

Elise 1 year ago

Totally. The days following the loss of a loved one, my mother was so touched that her friends came over and did some cooking, dishes, or ironing… Meanwhile, showing they cared about her.

Elise 1 year ago

Just back home after my C-section, my (young and fit) MIL offered to hold the baby so that I could clean the floor. And let me take out the bins by myself. Still angry 2 years later. Thanks for your “help”, selfish bitch!

Hannah 1 year ago

Although I do not have a baby, my mother has told me MANY times the story of when my brother was first born. My rude grandmother (her mother in law) , my aunt and girl cousin came barging into my parents home two days after she had the baby, sat on the couch and gossiped while my mother hobbled around to prepare tea and sandwiches . And with fresh stitches, that was no pleasant task.

amber y 1 year ago

On one hand I think if my friends expect any of that they can bugger right off. And then on the other I think it’s a wonderful gesture to bring them a gift or meal or to do a few small chores for them. All things I have no problem doing for my friends when I visit. I would be eternally grateful to my friends and family if they did any of those things for me, but I would never expect them to. Totally a personal decision either way. You know what’s right for you and your friends/family the same way you know what’s right for your little ones.

Kelly 1 year ago

To all of you mommy’s out there, thank you for writing this article for me and others out there. My friends are starting to have babies and I always worry I am imposing on them. I honestly want to thank you all for these helpful tips so I can help to pamper the new mommy’s in my life :).

Ria 1 year ago

I don’t know, I appreciated that someone even wanted to chit chat with me. My babies were not that great of conversationalists. I wanted to show my littles off and I didn’t even have to get dressed to do it if people stopped over. No one demanded that I serve them or maybe I was just too sleep deprived to notice. :)

Cat 1 year ago

As a mum to be I am not sure yet how I will cope in the first few months, but I like the ideas in this but not how it is just expected! I would not want many visitors (probably just our parents and close friends) in the 1st month anyway to give us a chance to well, work out some sort of routine. If a visitor did help with the baby or give me a wee break to shower etc I would just be chuffed and not expect it at all. I would not offer food or drinks unless I was fine doing it and I would not let any visitors round if I was not up to a visit, simple really. I have to admit I am the sort of person that if I am not willing to do something I will just say it and it sometimes annoys me when people let themselves get pushed around then stew about it, my mum is that sort of person and I have always had to put up with her moaning about people, when they probably half the time did not even realise they had done anything wrong so it was not their fault.

So to put it simply, if you don’t want someone round say no, but I think a lot of women would just like some adult company after a month so they can keep in touch with the rest of the world, with no strings attached on the visit. Just remember to say thank you when if the person helps as they are more likely to help again if the feel appreciated and people can not read minds!

Trista 1 year ago

I love this comment. So accurately put.

emma b 1 year ago

You all need to take a look at the Scary Mommy Manifesto

Karle 1 year ago

#324 didn’t post under the correct topic… anyway what I meant to say to you Michelle was that yes, it is the parents choice to have a child. It may not be their choice to have your ass sitting on their sofa acting like a princess when their first and only priority for the next 3 months will be that baby . It’s perfectly fine to come and not help, honestly it is. But know when to leave. A social visit any longer than 30 minutes is too long.

Karle 1 year ago

The most important person’s opinion in the matter is the new mothers. Every person has different needs. So good friends will call and ask not just do some cookie cutter “job” that some article tells them to do that may or may not be welcome. The mistake is in thinking that your presence is a gift to the baby or mother. It may be, but it also may not be. It depends on the circumstance which may change even by the time you arrive. Be open to change and be flexible to needs. That is the ONLY gift a new mother really wants.

Karle 1 year ago

It would be easy to find this article sanctimonious if you had a different experience or perspective. I for one can relate to what the author is trying to say. I remember my parents and inlaws visiting at the same time the day I came home from the hospital. The inlaws brought fast food for themselves only. Didn’t even ask if we wanted anything. My mom soon after asked me what was for dinner (they were staying with us because we don’t live in the same city). I was livid and exhausted and couldn’t believe that my own mother was being such a selfish idiot. She and my dad finally went to the grocery store the next day and proceeded to shove the receipt in my face pointing to the total saying “your father wants you to know that we don’t expect to be paid back for this”. Ah… thanks? I also remember her saying over and over again that she was here to see the baby and not play maid or cook. And so that’s how it was for us. Me trying to entertain my “guests” with swollen feet and crotch while they sat on the couch with my baby. MY BABY. Who *I* just met too and wanted to sit there and love him instead of them.

So you see the selfishness goes both ways and your reaction to being mistreated is often to make lists of “rules” like this one to vent.

JB 1 year ago

Geez people! Overdramatic much??? It’s a funny article on Scary Mommy for godsake. I dont’ think anyone reads Scary Mommy as their bible for how to raise a family for be a friend. Sheesh!!!

Mash 1 year ago

thank you. I could not agree more. when people say “you can just ask people to leave” I always think about some people never asking if we wanted a visit. Sometimes it’s just “we want to see the baby!”. And yes, sometimes all I could think of was “please leave, please…”. I have great friends who followed all the “rules” without ever being asked to. I have some good friends that it was good to see but I can’t say anything pleasant about their visit. Either way, as a new mom who largely relies on herself and really doesn’t want any favors, I somehow still like the “rules” and will follow them with the friends of mine who have babies. I don’t want to be a burden on anyone, especially new parents.

Emily Wells 1 year ago

The worst are the ones who show up unannounced.

Melastik Bintang 1 year ago

In Malaysia, what we do is we come to their house and bring a baby hamper or present for them.. =)

ronni 1 year ago

I just want to add…. if you or anyone in your party is sick, getting sick, or getting over getting sick, STAY HOME. The last thing a new mommy needs is to catch a cold from inconsiderate guests.

Kitty 1 year ago

I don’t think she’s being entitled. This post is brutal honesty. A new mom doesn’t have time, or energy, for people who want to sit around and hold the happy baby but not help out. Family is different, but if a girlfriend comes over, and is not even considerate enough to help? THAT’S entitlement. What gives her the right to eat the new mom’s food, hold the happy baby for a little bit, but not even change a diaper? Give the new mom a break? Handle a feeding? Even cooking? Cleaning? That’s selfish and inconsiderate.

Michael 1 year ago

As the co-founder of http://www.mealTrain.com, I can only agree with Pamala. Organizing a mealTrain is always truly appreciated!

Mama2Blessings 1 year ago

Can I just say….A-MEN!!!

zebes 1 year ago

Awesome article…very truthful. And anyone who doesn’t think so, had help lol.
I have had NO help none…..not for an hour….so to be honest, when guests come over and expect a big christmas dinner or easter dinner, it’s just exhausting…..I have no energy for that ON TOP OF everything else going on…..and then the cleanup, everything…..no one helps…so for those of you that say this article is ignorant….it’s not to the author or to some of us that had nothing or no one ever…

Kat 1 year ago

I enjoyed the advice in this article. New moms do need to be supported. You experience the dramatic hormone shift of menopause in 4 days – things can be a little tough especially if you’ve had a c-section (or difficult birth) and have other little ones running around.
My OB/GYN told me before I was discharged “don’t let any visitors into your house unless they are carrying food.” While I wouldn’t turn down anyone at the door, I appreciate the sentiment. We’ve all had visitors that expect us to dote on them (make them snacks) – while we are the ones who are struggling to cope. I had in-laws take my place on the couch while I stood and made food for them days after my section. My husband wasn’t there – he would’ve set things straight if he was.
A practical friend is the best thing. Expecting it is selfish, but rising to the occasion to BE that friend is noble. That’s why I believe this article was written and I enjoyed every word of it. :)

Amr 1 year ago

I’m with the (oddly) minority.
I thought it was an unspoken rule of how to be a polite guest post birth to:

A: bring food. It doesn’t have to be expensive, just eatable! Ask your friend what they are craving. Take them what they haven’t been allowed to eat while pregnant. Sushi and soft serve for me!
B: Just go clean something (without asking) Bathrooms, laundry etc would be fantastic and actually helpful.
C: Don’t expect to hold the baby. Being there for your friend/family is the important bit there will be plenty of time for cuddles.
D: call/text before you come over and don’t over stay your welcome.

Tim 1 year ago

Hi, not a father here. So please take my thought’s with a grain of salt.

First off I am aware this article is intentionally meant to be an exaggerated bitch fest, and unfortunately people are going to misinterpret it’s tone and get all up in arm’s over it. Many obviously already have. But exaggerated or not, the main points are valid food for thought.

I like to visit my friends who have just had kids. Having a kid is a great reason to see a friend. It is also the greatest reason for them to refuse visitors. If it is too soon for visitors just say so. True friends will not be offended. I don’t do it to cause them stress or intrude on their private time. I do it because I enjoy seeing them and I feel it is a show of support during this stressful time in their life, whether they need anything at that time or not. However, I expect from them a few things. I am not a mind reader, So when I call and ask if it would be okay to stop by, please be honest, if you are too tired I understand, but please tell me. Don’t lie and say yes. I will not be offended if you don’t want me around at that time. You’re my friend after all. There will be time in the future to see the kid. I will, however, be offended if you say yes I can come visit and when i arrive i can tell you don’t really want visitors. You’re my friend, I can’t read your mind, but I can read the atmosphere of the room and your mood.

I would be more than happy to bring something for you if you need it. But i am not going to just show up with armfuls of stuff that you may not need. Now you have a bunch of crap that you have to find time and space to put it away, that doesn’t seem helpful at all. Food? Everyone’s gotta eat. But how do i know how much room you have in your fridge? Again, if food is needed, let me know. But if you have tons already I don’t want to give you something that is going to sit around and go bad.

Household chores. Happy to help, but we’re friends right? I should be familiar with your house and how it normally looks. If I walk in and there’s a bunch of junk somewhere it usually is not I will inquire about it. If it is something you need help with or would just be nice not to do yourself, ask me. Folding laundry? Some people are very particular about how it’s folded, I know I am, as.are many of my friends. Do the dishes? Perhaps if the sink is overflowing and it normally is not. But if your sink is usually overflowing and now still is, as a guest in your house this appears normal so it’s not going to strike me as something you need help with.

In closing, It is my opinion that this article is neither right nor wrong in tone or content. It is all up to the individuals involved. I know i am not a mother/father. So I can not judge how difficult it is. But I am human, I do like to help, and i love supporting my friends and family. But all I ask, is for those people to be honest and upfront. Let me know how I can help. Don’t be afraid to ask. But don’t expect me to know what it is you need. Everyone is different, as are their needs. From the point of view of the “intruding” friend, however well I knew you before, and however good I was at predicting your thoughts and needs before… Well, You have a child now, things are not the same as they were. You’re needs have changed. As has my ability to predict them. Communication is key. A good friend will always ask if you need anything. Not just because they feel it is the right thing to do. but because they care. Don’t be stubborn and reject the offer because of pride or because you don’t want to make them go out of their way.

Mahesh 1 year ago

So my brother in laws wife had a child two months ago natural delivery. After a day, she was discharged from the hospital with her baby. On the third day, my wife wanted to go meet the baby and her brother said it is fine. Next thing, this psycho mother of the newborn calls up my wife and tells her humbly not to come because she needs to rest. By the way she is Indian and is super excited about her newborn son, and has shut the doors on us. She has a daughter who is about 3 years old but does not care for her too much. When she was born, she had no problem in letting us come and meet and hold the baby. At least my family agrees that we are done with that psycho family acting in such selfish ways. God….the idiots think that the billions of us on this planet never had any parents.

Need help 1 year ago

My friend has just told me she is expecting. I am thrilled for her and am looking for how I can support her, and her husband. We live in different states, so most of these mistakes I can’t make :).
I’m looking for ideas on how I can support them both, without being intrusive etc… I’d love to hear some ideas. I don’t have kids so am out of my depth!

Maria_Ana 1 year ago

I think it may also be different in culture. because all the things here? it may not work in the Philippines where a mommy who just gave birth needs all family members and friends and distant relatives to be around.. we appreciate everything.. with or without presents, help or no help in household chores, etc.. but your presence is the most thing we appreciate… you have to be there, we expect you’d come or visit.. or it maybe because all these rules just apply to you?

Leanne 1 year ago

My sister came to visit me in the hospital after I gave birth and we got in to a spat because she ate all my pizza and I kicked her out lmao!

Jen 1 year ago

I loved it when my dad came to visit after I had my baby. He would drive the 105 miles to come see us. He always wanted to take us for lunch, and he would hold my baby while I ate so I could get a bite into me. When we got back to my place, I would take the baby to the bedroom to nurse/put down for a nap and he vacuumed. Then we would chat. I never asked him to help; he just did. Wish all parents were like my dad is!

gmzuerch 1 year ago

I agree with a lot of what you have to say. One disagreement, I am a very social person and LOVED having another adult come talk to me as long as they were not judgmental about my house, my clothing, my parenting…. as long as they weren’t judgmental. Food and gifts were a bonus.

Pam List 1 year ago

This made me cry a little bit because they are all so true. The biggest thing I wanted at the time was just to rest and to have my mom with me, but she was 2,000 miles away and I was with a husand who went to work the very next day… damn I could go on and on… but it sure would have been nice to have this last late in life baby with my friends and family around. I am from the south, where they bring you a cake, a pot roast and frozen casseroles. The only person I had out here were my inlaws and my mother-in-law always had nannies with her kids so she hand no idea how desperate I was. My oldest son was my lifeline. I owe him my sanity and at least 100 diaper changes. Ya’ll, make sure you check out Noopcamp this summer…. because that show is going places because I know who is handling the business end of that show and he is a freaking rockstar when it comes to hard work, poopy diapers and crying crazy mamas.

karakb 1 year ago

I love this! I’m expecting in August and your article hit so many truths on the head! I know my family and friends and I know I can expect some family and friends to be a little overbearing. I’m not do not expect gifts of deliciousness or supplies, but I do expect when friends and family come over that they honor my parenting skills, my household, and my baby. My house is going to be uncomfortable as it is the first few months, don’t make it more uncomfortable by making yourself unwelcome. Shoot, I don’t want people to stop by the first two months anyway besides Grandparents…it’s a time for the parents and the baby to get used to each other. We have two cats and a dog and it’s already chaos! Add a baby in the mix and we are going to need time to just be us! Again, great article! :)

Jesica B. 1 year ago

I completely agree! Not every new mom is like this and some really do just want the company. Be the friend who knows your friend and what they would want. We are all adults (or hopefully are) at this time in our lives- if you want company, don’t want company, want them to bring food, want to give them food, need help, etc. then ask for it. If all new moms were like this I would spend the rest of my life avoiding them…

Yallrcrazy 1 year ago

Hey scary mommy, I pray none of these mean comments get to you. I love your humor and honesty! Thank you for a great article. Often times the people who comment r those who are angry. See it in news articles all the time. Those full of love and rejoicing don’t often feel need to post. But after reading so many mean comments I just wanted to send love!

Yallrcrazy 1 year ago

Thank you!! I loved it too. So shocking other moms/parents are so nasty

Yallrcrazy 1 year ago

I don’t understand everyone’s uproar this is an honest article. Full of humor and great advice!

Stephanie 1 year ago

lol this is quite funny that people have said it is selfish not to let people hold your baby.. Im pretty sure she didnt say she wouldnt let them, in fact she said the husband held the baby for an hour. what she meant was dont come to my house, sit down, expect me to feed you so you can hold my baby when i really want to poke my eyes out i am so tired!!! i am a new mum and lukcily i only have two friends and they were great x x

Amanda 1 year ago

This is why it’s so important to just be honest with people! It’s not wrrong to say to the friend, who is already a mom herself, “Yes, I am lucky both of my little ones are sleeping! Honestly, I would love to sleep, too, while they still are. Do you think we could catch up later (insert a timeframe of days) when I’m feeling more rested? Thanks so much, and it was good to get to see you today. Sorry you didn’t get to see the kids,” as you escort them toward the door. If I were the friend at the receiving end of that, I would be glad my friend was honest and that her needs were being met. Sometimes you have to be your own advocate, because others are not mind readers and maybe had different experiences that didn’t create perfect empathy for your exact situation. Honesty–when delivered politely– really is always the best policy.

Lala 1 year ago

I luv this article, wonderfully sarcastic and pointing out some things most dont want to hear. Just wonder how anyone can deny the disrespect of taking precious time from someone who most likely cant even take a long shower in peace and then expect to spend that time with visitors that dont respect that need of time. Honestly noone working 12hr shifts would cut down sleep to one hour simply to have the time to entertain friends for another 11hrs?? And then spend the next day smelling like … ? But that´s what it feels like, especially when its the first child. A simple tip: as soon as the parents feel ready, they´ll invite you or come over. Well one should best come over when reading some comments, so the extra work is laid upon the selfish people who would put it on the large to-do pile of a new mum. The comments of some supermums here suggest they dont mind, so it be 😀 lots of fun

Sarah 1 year ago

Oh, that meal train would have been amazing! I am a mommy of 4, the last two being c sections. Being able to eat ‘real’ food while nursing those first weeks was something I dreamed about. What a wonderful thing to do!

Pamala Vela 2 years ago

I think it depends on how tired the Mother is and her personality as to whether she wants or needs guests or not at all. I wanted to be left alone after the birth of my first child. After the second one – I couldn’t wait for visitors to drop by! My daughter threw a party the day after she came home from my granddaughter being born – we are two very different people.
Also – I am in charge of what we call a “Meal Train” at our church. We have people drop off days worth of meals, divided into small containers that can be put in the freezer and microwaved later. That way the doorbell isn’t ringing every few hours, and they aren’t stuck with a lasagne pan for 50 people! It’s divided up so they can have whatever whenever – with a ton of leftovers in case they need to feed guests.

camshaft 2 years ago

Wow, some of these comments are amazing in their complete and utter ignorance. Man, people are just painfully self-absorbed and self-righteous. Reading this comments section pretty much makes me lose all faith in humanity. Obviously those of you who are saying that this person is an entitled bitch have never given birth or had a new baby before. Seriously? You know what, if you think that you are visiting someone to see their newborn for THEM and that just your presence in their crazy chaotic world will bring them some sort of joy or solace, you are nutso. In the first 2-3 months, if you visit a new mom, especially a first time mom, be prepared to bring food, or help out, and be very vigilant about the time you spend with them. If you don’t know what to do, or how you can help, ask! But, seriously, don’t feel like you’re doing any favors if you come over just do get up in their business and say goo goo gah gah to their baby. You’re not. Either pitch in or go home. If you haven’t had a new baby, or given birth, or been a new dad, then maybe reserve your judgement until that time comes (though, for some of you, hopefully that time will never come – I really wouldn’t want you to procreate!).

Sharon 2 years ago

So sorry that people are leaving angry comments! People are so weird. Of course, the wit and self-awareness with which the author writes suggests she is in the intellectual minority and is probably used to ignoring idiots. I’m so glad these morons aren’t the only ones having babies 😉 Enjoyed the article… entertaining and informative. I’ll absolutely be using this as a guide when travel out of the county to visit my best friend and her new baby!

Emily 2 years ago

As a mother of 3 little girls under 6, I WHOLE-HEARTEDLY AGREE with the whole article. Sweet friends, I love you, but I also want to sleep at will during the day. I want to leave yesterday’s mascara smeared across my face and rock my hubby’s sweat pants. I’m exhausted. If you’re just dropping by to tell me about YOUR c-section and YOUR first baby, then I’ll see you at the baptism.
Please add to your list, DONT BRING YOUR SMALL CHILDREN TO MY HOME WHEN I HAVE A NEWBORN AND YOUR PRESCHOOLER IS LOUD AND MESSY AND WHINY AND BORED!!!!!

charlotte 2 years ago

To play devils advocate here, I do get what she is saying. I can understand that the last thing you want to do is entertain friends and family when all you want to do is sleep, or straighten up, or cook, whatever. If people do happen to come by, well then you are going to help! She is saying what all the you women want to and do not have to courage. It has nothing to do with being bitchy or whatever other colorful adjective you would like to use, so get over it ladies, you all are not perfect.

lisa 2 years ago

I laughed through the majority of this article because so much of it was true, and I think others are having a hard time reading it and seeing the humor depending on their own post birth experiences. While I very much enjoyed having visitors in the hospital, gift or no gift, and at my home, I was also 2 states away from my family and over an hour away from my closest friends. I loved having visitors but no one who walked in my door expected me to get anything for them or have dinner ready. I will say I had a very difficult baby, he never slept. I’m talking he fought sleep at 2 weeks old (and forever since then) like no baby I’ve ever known (and I’ve been around A LOT of babies) It would take me over an hour of rocking, bouncing, and anything else I could think of to get him to sleep then he would sleep for 30 minutes and start the whole process over. He never latched on right breastfeeding so I was in constant horrible pain every time he nursed, I had hemorrhoids that brought me to tears every day, and a urethral tear from birthing my son that made it painful just to sit. My husband worked from 5:30am til 7pm and had the attitude that he worked all day and didn’t want to come home and do housework and needed his sleep at night so I was unbearably lonely and sleep deprived trying to keep the house going and learn how to be a mother. I would have given anything for someone to step in and wash the dishes or throw a load of towels in, or heck even hold him so I could take LONG shower not interrupted by my screaming infant. No one offered this and I desperately needed it for my sanity. I think you have to think about who you are going to visit and their situation. Be kind not intrusive. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with going to see and hold a new baby but know when you’ve worn out your welcome, and know the situation your walking into (whether the baby is colicky or if mom’s having a hard time). And I always think it’s nice to take a little something to eat over. I many times actually forgot to eat until late afternoon. You don’t have to spend a lot of money. Buying a muffin mix for $1 and taking them is appreciated, a package of diapers (target brand is all I bought for my son and they are under $7 a package) is great. And I will say, unless you have to and plan on being in and out quickly, do not bring your rambunctious, loud, won’t listen to a thing you say, kids with you when visiting. Not only will they run all over the house and make a mess the new mom has to clean later, but they will also inevitably wake baby up and touch the face of new baby with their germ covered hands, not cool. Just saying.

Teryl.W 2 years ago

The article is over the top granted but she makes some good points. I’m all ready tired at 37 weeks of pregnancy and don’t have the energy to cook or entertain guests, it’s going to be a lot harder with a baby. I like the idea of calling first to see if its a good time and short visits are preferable when you have a baby who is in need of so much attention. I don’t care if people bring things and Ive gotten mad before at guests for cleaning the house, it makes me feel bad, but some of the stories I’ve heard of people coming round and expected dinner sounds horrible to me! I’d probably cry if anyone I know did that to me!

Kassandra K 2 years ago

You nailed it. PLEASE disregard the mean comments. I was the new mom with over-staying well-intended guests. At one point some of our drop-in guests actually stayed for the lasagna dinner that I had prepared weeks before the baby’s birth with hopes of leftovers in mind. Another friend kindly brought a meal along with her two toddlers and stood in my home remarking over and over again that she couldn’t believe my newborn AND my 18 month old were both napping. Never mind the fact that I would have gladly settled for cold cereal or Pb&J if I could only have napped with my babies that day, too. As for the hospital, out of all of the times my babies were born, I was the most thankful for the one who came in the middle of the night bc I was able to sleep and clean myself up before those guests came. I am not heartless nor am I a bitch like some have carelessly labeled you. In fact, as your article implies, I was too caring and too polite for my own good, for my family’s own good… We don’t get those first days and hours back… I am thankful for the lessons learned and consider it a privilege to do, or rather not do, for early-stages mom’s the way that I wish it had been for me. Perspective truly is everything.

Mellie 2 years ago

This was truly funny. I giggled the whole time I read it. I love your wicked sense of humor!

Jodi 2 years ago

It’s been interesting to read through the comments below this post; they’re very polarized. Either people really appreciate and relate to this article, or they think the author is the rudest, most entitled person ever.
What I’m taking away from both this article and the comment section afterward is – know the mom, and when in doubt, ask. Some people need a lot of time to get in the grove and adjust to having a new baby at home, and entertaining company may seem like the straw that will break the camel’s back. Others appreciate having guests and the distraction of adult conversation. Everyone is different.
My biggest thing is – don’t be afraid to ask a new mom what she wants most. Talk with her about it before the birth, then check in again after to make sure her wishes are the same. That way you can skip misunderstandings and hurt feelings and can honor her needs, no matter which way they go. It’s much less risky to ask than to make assumptions in either direction.

Katie 2 years ago

I always bring a treat for the whole family- ie. big plate of cookies. You can always bring stickers, white paper and crayons, candy (every new mom needs to bribe a toddler now and then!), or a fun book. I also try to talk to the newly-made big brother(s) or sister(s) and take an honest interest in them. Have them help clean the kitchen with a rag and spray bottle, or “help” put away dishes. They like to know they are important too!

Irishgal 2 years ago

This article may be written in a blunt manner, but unfortunately there are some who need to hear it! It’s not referring to well-meaning friends who genuinely care, & whom you want around, but make a pan of lasagna instead of buying a gourmet meal. After hearing awful stories from some of my mom’s friends when I was growing up (as in countless relatives showing up to see their newborn babies… & then expecting the new mother to wait on all of them hand & foot!), I became more aware of this during the last session of our childbirth class when we were expecting our firstborn. Our instructor was kind about it, but point blank said that if help is offered, accept it, & if someone’s coming over to help, let them know what help is REALLY needed. I experienced the ugly side of this when, against my better judgment, I agreed that my mother-in-law could visit (& stay with us) when our firstborn was 2 1/2 weeks old. She waltzed in declaring to my husband, “Let your wife know that I’m here to help! I can help make bottles or I can hold the baby if she wants to take a nap.” For starters, we had mentioned many times during the pregnancy that I would be breastfeeding. It wasn’t until day 3 of her visit that she looked at my husband & said, “You mean you don’t use bottles???” (Unless it’s pumped straight from me, no!!!) In addition, we were struggling with breastfeeding, so the baby was with me most of the time anyway. When my MIL stated again & again that she would hold the baby while I slept, it was everything I could do not to rudely say, “Well, my doctor told me to sleep when the baby does & I need to keep her near me in the bassinet so that I wake up when she’s hungry. Besides, she’s our firstborn & she’s only 2 1/2 weeks old. I’m not sick of her & desperate for a break yet!” (I honestly didn’t trust my MIL to not use the sample formula we had if I was asleep.) To make matters worse, my MIL didn’t lift a finger to help with food (my husband cooked the whole time, missing out on precious time with his new daughter), PLUS she criticized my laundry skills. She was floored that I didn’t wash our bath & bed linens the way she did! I was in tears each night just wanting her to go home! Some people need to hear harsh feedback such as this article to get it through their heads that it’s not a good idea to tell a new mother that you’re there to help & then inform her of how you’re going to do so without asking what help is really needed. I was very appreciative of all that my friends did for me, by my MIL needed to hear advice like this. When you combine her antics with my post-partum hormones, it was hell. It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders when she left. Oh, & we wised up when baby #2 came along. I told my husband that my sanity was the priority & he completely agreed. She visited when our second-born was 5 weeks, after breastfeeding & a routine were established. By that time I had also learned that a nursing cover wasn’t necessary in my own home. 😉

momofeveryone 2 years ago

this was the best thing about my ILs. my son was just potty trained and they took him everywhere for any little errand. win win for all!

momofeveryone 2 years ago

im about to pop #3, c’mon over and hold him! god knows i will be tied up with 1 and 2 😛

momofeveryone 2 years ago

it made me laugh too!!!!

blanca 2 years ago

I do not complaint about her position….I am a first time mom and sometimes I wished visitors would understand that you don’t get much sleep as it is and still them wanted to stay home until mid night doesn’t help any. My mother in law sat in our living room for about three hours everyday!!! everyday!!! with her loud music and didn’t made a single effort to help in any way not even with the baby…as it is my baby didn’t sleep trough the night and had to be hospitalize before turning 3 weeks old and the day after he got dismissed from the hospital they decided to have a cook out….at my house!!! how do you turn down all his family…obviously there is no way….so even if she sounds scary sometimes it is necessary…

Rosa Alice Snapp 2 years ago

I was trying to come across as "tongue in cheek" lol. I think there should be one main rule, however…call ahead. You never know when the baby is sleeping and if that is the case, you gotta let mamma sleep too.

Jamie Vioral Jeffrey 2 years ago

Well I am in the minority, but I loved this! Especially the food idea. I am lucky enough to have several friends who will make me huge meals, write the instructions down for me so I know what is what and how to prepare it, etc. and then drop it off for me. And we have food allergy concerns to complicate things, so ordering in is not much of an option for us. They know that I really don't need visitors that require me to "entertain". What I need is help and for people to let me rest during the most physically exhausting time of my life! I am expecting our third child in the spring and I have already started to ponder how I can explain to others, (in the nicest way possible), that we do not want visitors just for the sake of visiting and that we will not be in a position to "entertain". I don't expect everyone to make me meals and buy gifts, but please do not show up expecting that we will be ready to feed you and spend hours talking about anything when the reality is that we just want to sleep. It's not rude to feel that way at all and I hope new moms who read this don't feel bad if they can relate to it.

Amanda Willette Ocampo 2 years ago

Tiffany Gipson http://www.scarymommy.com/about/ Look at the picture here- the mom is portrayed as a devil! The webpage is supposed to be written in this style. I don't agree with everything she is saying, you aren't supposed to. Its supposed to be overboard and dramatic. The originator of the blog wrote a book called "Motherhood Comes Naturally (and Other Vicious Lies). Was this a VICIOUS lie? No, it wasn't, but it is not totally true either. Does the author really think you should go out to a steakhouse and buy 2 huge meals? NO, but what she is saying is come over and bring SOMETHING or offer to help with ANYTHING. Don't freeload of a new weary mom. This is how they write, its a writing style, I minored in English and creative writing in college. Its sarcastic and satirical but informational as well.

Julitssa Ortiz Dye 2 years ago

From what i read she did not say it ha to be from a restaurant. But i could be wrong. I think the point she was making was to help your friends out during the first months after delivery. I know i could use someone bringing me dinner or helping me with my laundry.

Amanda Willette Ocampo 2 years ago

This is all MEANT to sound bitchy and a bit overboard, its the writing style. This is half-truth. The point is to get some good information out there. But to do it in an entertaining way. Hence the webpage…scarymommy .com

Amanda Willette Ocampo 2 years ago

I seriously cannot believe that I haven't read one commentator yet who has actually understood the point and writing style of this article. This is the problem when people post one article from face book. Anyone who is offended by this probably wouldn't be a visitor to this web page anyway. This is all MEANT to sound bitchy and a bit overboard, its the writing style.

Amanda Willette Ocampo 2 years ago

Thats the point. She is SUPPOSED to sound bitchy.

Amanda Willette Ocampo 2 years ago

People! Everyone is getting SO offended here! Realize the title of the webpage…SCARY MOMMY.com. Read the bios of the authors! "Kelly is a mom, wife, writer, smart-ass, recovering perfectionist, and blogger extraordinaire at In The Mom Light"…"Robyn divides her time between wondering where those 30 points of IQ snuck off to after the birth of her first child and silently judging parents who let their kids eat red dye #40. In her spare moments she updates her blog The Robyn Nest and compulsively checks her Facebook for Paleo crockpot recipes." This whole site is meant to be snarky and have attitude. Its a writing style. Its not just for information, its for entertainment. Its like people who take bits and pieces from newscasts or books and make a judgment. This is one article in the context of something MUCH larger that has an entire theme and style people are missing.

Jules Platt 2 years ago

Great post – never mind the haters. It's interesting to me how people tend to bring their needs to a mama, even a new, barely hanging on mama. Women 15 years my senior astounded me coming over to "help" only to sit and watch me race around while they ate through my food reserves and asked about another pot of tea. Even though I was caring for two month old twins, who hadn't let me sit to eat in weeks. If you're not a baby person (no shame – I wasn't) and don't have a clue what would be helpful, just offer to run any weird little errands (I hear you on the breast pads – who knew?). It's really hard to get out with a new baby – you can make your friend's life so much easier by just picking stuff up for her whenever you're out in the world.

Amanda Willette Ocampo 2 years ago

Did you read the title of this page? SCARY MOMMY…its supposed to be snarky!

Amanda Willette Ocampo 2 years ago

Jack Cooke, whenever you have a baby, then you can talk. Anti-social? NO. She is making the point that visitors are welcome, but just don't come over and be a free-loading friend and eat, drink and be merry while holding the baby, when in fact the woman just got out of the HOSPITAL. And she had a c-section! This is a real medical surgery! Would you visit anyone else who just got out of the hospital and not bring anything or offer to help? And I have to agree this is HER experience. And the fact that her friends are female or she has a husband has NOTHING to do with the point of the article!

Jamie Savino Stefanko 2 years ago

Who said "bring me" anything? It's instructing people who likely have never had kids (or grandparents, who are many years removed) in how they can be "helpful." People seem to misconstrue the word when it comes to new parents. Coming over, expecting to be hosted, holding the baby just long enough for it to fuss and then hand it back in a worse state than when you took it… not helpful. Stay home, and check FB for pictures. Bringing a gift might be a bit much, but a TRUE friend would want to help out – yes, stopping at the grocery store for some essentials, bringing a meal over. Hell, my moms' group arranges for two weeks' worth of dinner to be brought to a new parents' house, and it is lovely, just lovely.

Puh-leese. Royalty? Unless you're sending them a 24/7 au pair, maybe you should be rethinking what graciousness and kindness truly mean. "Just wanting to see their miracle" – again, go check FB if any part of your visit is going to be putting out sleep-deprived parents.

Christine Karns-Sporleder 2 years ago

Well said!

Angela Branderhorst 2 years ago

AMEN!!!

Flora Stadler 2 years ago

Renika J. Atkins I am sooo with you. This is practical advice on how to be a gracious guest. Do NOT make it a new mom's job to play hostess while you fiddle with their newborn for a few minutes. Be a real friend and make yourself useful, or at least be thoughtful. This isn't about being a princess mom, it's about being a good guest. It takes a village, people!

Julitssa Ortiz Dye 2 years ago

Then God bless you, you had it relatively easy. I have a 2 month old and i will pass up a shower and a hair washing any day for more sleep. She is not greedy, she just had a different experience than you. Every woman handles it differently. .

Miranda 2 years ago

I 110% agree with you, even about the “expensive meal” part. I honestly can’t believe an earlier poster insinuated that people that accept these measures should “raise their own kids”…helping a friend is a nice supportive gesture, you’re not adopting their children.

Rika J 2 years ago

This is not greedy or selfish at all. The selfish are those that come over, after you attempted to clean as much as you could with the stabbing pain of a C-section scar, expect you to cater to them and then leave your home messier than you found it. Those that are upset are the guilty, self-righteous persons that have visited new moms for years and have committed one or more of these offenses.

Moreover, I agree with bringing something with you. Literally, someone bringing me dish soap from your pantry for the million bottles I had to wash a day or a paper towel roll from their pantry would have been an extreme help to a struggling new mom. This article addresses a lack of consideration by persons claiming that they are helping when they’re not. To address the comment that you should not allow them over if they are inconsiderate, my reply is that you don’t know who they are until they visit you.

Afina 2 years ago

I am not a mother, but my mother raised me in the middle of nowhere, we used to live in different island from our family. Having friends visiting her was more than enough, even though they did not bring anything. The visits themselves showed that the guests (friends, neighbours) devoted their time to care a little bit about me and my mother. Without gifts but friends around us, we didnt feel alone. And yes, my mother is just like Jackie on the comment below.

Amy k 2 years ago

If everyone could apologize like you just did this world would be infinitly better. That literally ROCKED!

Miranda Crumpler 2 years ago

People are getting wayy too bent out of shape over this blog post. Sure I enjoyed having people visit me when I had a newborn, even if they didn't bring anything…she is sarcastically pointing out an exaggerated truth….the people that brought us meals and asked if we needed anything were our dearest friends and family, and I will always remember the kind things they did for us during those first couple months of transitioning into parenthood. Yes we would have made it through without the help, but it was nice having that support. The author is witty and cynical– that's her thing, some people enjoy that kind of humor (me), others don't. If you don't agree, so what?

Melissa 2 years ago

So many people commenting miss the point here! In my case, I had a 9lb 15oz baby, undone stitches on a huge episiotomy and PTSD, we spent eight days in hospital after my baby nearly died. Then I could not sleep, I was exhausted and the last thing I needed was to wait on visitors. All of you calling her ungrateful maybe never felt like this, or had plenty of visitors but not one meal brought, chore done or cup of tea made. Waiting on visitors when you’ve been awake for ninety hours and have your vagina split open is not what you want. I was devastated that no one did anything for me and couldn’t understand it at all. My own sister told me I was selfish asking on my second child just for visitors to hold off for the first two days given my trauma the first time round. She turned up in the hospital.. It’s not just your baby she said!
I also think some posts are defensive because they have been that bad visitor themselves.
Being childless does not make you a bad visitor , being a jerk does.

Melanie 2 years ago

I do agree with this article.. about the high end food, well it doesn’t have to be gourmet italian or anything, but it has to be from a decent place that’s not going to give us food poisoning, and preferably something healthy that will aid in healing. I can order pizza myself or buy mcdonald’s but a meal that actually contains some real meat and veggies would make me feel nourished and loved because it shows that people truly care about my health and that of my breastfed baby’s.

For those who say ‘its not like you lost a limb or something’… well actually it is… coz some babies just can’t be put down so pretty much everything has to be done with one hand. It’s not easy washing dishes with only one hand. And the pain from bad tears or c-section is something that I don’t think you understand. Would you visit someone who just had major surgery a couple days prior and expect them to serve you? Then why is it okay to ask someone who just had major surgery *and* has a baby who is completely dependent upon them, to serve you?

It’s not that we feel entitled, it’s just that with the exhaustion, pain, and lack of free hands, it just becomes impossible to take on any more chores. And although we love company, the only way we could have you is if you make yourself useful. Otherwise it’s just easier being alone until we feel capable of having people over.

Wuffles 2 years ago

Honestly, I think if people do it without being asked, it can be really sweet. Right after my Grandma died, my girlfriend came over to see how I was and I was still completely shell shocked. She gently nudged me into a hot bath and did all of the dishes whilst I was off taking care of myself and I still tear up thinking about it because it was so unexpected and kind. My little sister had been running home, cooking dinner and rushing straight back out to the hospital for days so it was a complete fright show and for someone to just take care of it without being asked or any expectation of reward was amazing. That incident is one of the things that my mind immediately springs to when people ask when we felt we loved each other.

Don’t get me wrong, I certainly wouldn’t EXPECT it of anyone but it was one of the loveliest things anyone has ever done for me and I could see myself doing something similar if it was a situation where I knew it would make that big a difference to someone emotionally.

Lexii Renee Spaulding 2 years ago

I love this. I wish I would have laid down some rules when I had my daughter. I did not appreciate a bunch of people coming over just to hold my daughter and take away my bonding with her for the first couple weeks of her life. None of them offered their help or anything. You have a problem bringing gifts and offering help to your friends who just had babies? Then don't visit. Let the parents have their bonding time. It is so important, and if you want to take that away from them, then you better damn bring a gift or offer help. It's not being ungracious if they don't want you there just to hold their baby and do nothing else. Seriously. Maybe you are the ones who should get over yourselves.

Lauren 2 years ago

I’m the complete opposite about food. Take out was lame in my opinion. My husband can go get take out and did most nights! I missed home cooked meals more than anything!

Really, a lot of this is depends on the mom. In the end–just ASK the mom what she would prefer. And ask with suggestions and alternatives to how you can help out. That way she doesn’t have to come up with it on her own. Also, I think it’s important to not assume she’s on cloud nine. She might be really sad and unhappy. Just ask and show that you care.

Mirayam E. S. Licht 2 years ago

These rules don't apply to everyone. It's always nice to be helpful to the new parents but each of us are very individual about that attitude. I loved it when I could have my special sisters share my joy so it is not a golden rule.

Renika J. Atkins 2 years ago

I actually appreciate this post… I am a new mom this is my new baby not a museum exhibit… if you come you clean

Holly Weiser Thomas 2 years ago

Hell yes!!! I love this blog… I had my daughter at home with midwives and was strongly advised to do nothing for 2 weeks so that my body could make a quick healthy recovery. God bless my hubby he was great, but only another women can understand how horrible u feel those first couple weeks and it was nice to have a women's touch in our house. I enjoyed the company to some degree but i also didn't feel the need to get dressed up. We def weren't cooking either and ppl brought us food that i was grateful for. My thing was i wanted to bond with my baby in those early days not pass her around to everybody else. I don't think this is selfish or greedy. I think not being willing to bring ur friend food is pretty selfish tho.. Thx blogger for going out on a limb to be honest. It might b ugly but i think its def the truth….

Debra Harrelson 2 years ago

I would so love to actually have an adult conversation. I gave my sister a ride somewhere the other day (a rare trip into town since i live in the middle of nowhere) and was carrying on one of my normal conversations with my almost 3 year old son and making funny sounds for my 6 month old daughter in between (normal conversation for me 99% of the day) and she started busting up laughing. I perfectly understood what we were talking about and she had no idea…..

Annabelle Saunders 2 years ago

I think everyone is different.. I can see how some people would feel this way and others the exact opposite. I would love for people to come visit me (call first!) and feel super awkward if they cleaned or touched my things!!! I say just ask the mom what she wants.. tell her to be honest with you and dont let your feelings get in the way.. if she wants a visit then visit.. if she wants space then you'll see her soon.

tekkie 2 years ago

Bahaha, nubs instead of arms is right. My mom seemed to be the only one aside from my husband who could see the antsy feeling come over me when someone else had been holding my newborn for too long. I really think people just don’t realize (or have forgotten) how hormonal those first few days and weeks are. I was actually brought to the point of tears a few times when my daughter was passed from one family member to another, because I PHYSICALLY missed her that much, even in a short amount of time. Hormones may not do that to everyone, but I know that there were so many times where I just wanted people the hell out of my house so *I* could actually snuggle my baby without someone getting grabby.

Maranda Morris 2 years ago

I love the "bounce the frick away" that made my day LOL

tekkie 2 years ago

I have to laugh at the people who seriously believe that new moms should be grateful for every visitor that drops by, regardless of how said visitor conducts themselves. As with most relational things, if the idea of a relative or “friend” who comes and sits on their ass in your house and expects be waited on hand and foot while you hobble around still wearing ice packs in your underwear… well, if the idea is foreign, just be grateful. If you don’t have people dropping by unannounced who want you to put your boobs away (but, heavens! don’t take the baby to another room to feed them in privacy!) for as long as they feel like visiting, and instead stick their fingers in the baby’s mouth when it gets hungry, or demand you bring them a bottle (yeah, because I’ve already built up a pumped stash at day 4 post partum), be grateful. If they don’t want to (smugly) tell you about how THEY did everything back in the day and their kids all survived, implying that you should just stick your newborn crying with reflux (obviously an invented ailment) in a crib and let them cry it out, be grateful. You may not have an aunt who made no effort to see you or communicate with you for years prior to your child’s birth, but suddenly wants to spend lots of time cuddling your newborn, or visitors who very visibly or audibly judge the disarray of your household, complaining about the coffee/tea/refreshments that you manage to dredge up for their unannounced visit, or just generally sucking up hours of your time no matter how pointedly you suggest they get going. You may not think these people exist, and if that’s the case, count yourself lucky and know that the women who write articles like this ARE writing from experience.

Esther 2 years ago

I actually mostly agree with Robyn. I was so sick for a long time after my last baby — he was a preemie, so we had rules in place with washing hands and no germs brought into the house (we even pulled our preschooler out of preschool for the rest of the year, at the advice of the pediatrician). I LOVED visiting with my friends, but I also much appreciated the people who came over to clean and brought food, especially when there were leftovers, and that my mom came and held him so I could shower.

Meghan 2 years ago

So despite it taking me 5 weeks to get to the bottom of the comments to post LOL! What is wrong with people these days?? I dont understand all the uproar, I think this the advice is brilliant. I dont understand people calling the author greedy? I actually think this is the most giving advice out there. She’s talking about how to be giving to your new Mom friends? Not saying you have to “do this for me.” Obviously you can take from it what you will, but being a new Mom is hard as hell and there are a LOT of people who feel loved by gifts and acts of service. I remember being stuck at home sick, I was either really pregnant or had just had the baby and I was dying for a specific mexican soup, albondigas. If a friend had offered to bring it to me, I would have been elated. What new Mom doesn’t want to be fussed over and taken care of? Seriously people. Get over yourselves.

Natasha 2 years ago

There is nothing wrong with this post honestly. Don’t go sit in the home of a new mom and do nothing but hold her baby. I don’t like other people holding my new babies and I know I am not the only one. I don’t need you to hold my baby I need help with dishes, dinner and laundry. Remember the PARENTS are just getting to know their new child and are way more important than you getting to know said child. Also don’t be the friend that takes the child from mom’s arms without asking. It is rude and could leave you drawing back nubs instead of arms.

Danielle 2 years ago

my aunt brought us an orchid after my second baby was born. all you have to do with those is put two ice cubes in the pot once a week. i didn’t mind that.

Rosa Alice Snapp 2 years ago

These are great rules, but I honestly was just happy for someone to make me a home cooked meal. If you have too many rules, no one is going to do anything for you. I have two children now and I try to help new mammas when I can, but if I had to follow all of these rules, I wouldn't have time to help at all.

Frankie Erickson 2 years ago

I agree with this to a point. I don’t like having visitors at all for quite a while. I have been called selfish, mean, rude, greedy, whatever. I don’t frankly care. I don’t need visitors in the hospital especially, and once I get home, I will call you once I want visitors at home, and it probably won’t be anyone but my own mother until I am adjusted and back on my feet and not a walking zombie. Nothing personal, I just believe that those first weeks at home are for me and my husband and my babies, to get acquainted, bond, become familiar with each others habits, and so on, and I don’t need people constantly coming over interrupting our newly established and still rocky routine, offering to “hold the baby so I can clean the house”. No thanks.

janie f 2 years ago

Kinda along these lines but somewhat different…..when shopping for the baby shower, please please SHOP OFF THE GIFT REGISTRY!
When I was pregnant with my first, I got like 8000 pieces of baby clothes. Two weeks before my due date my husband and I had to go out and drop $200 on all the essential item I did not receive. I don’t mean to sound ungrateful here, but there is a reason mothers to be spend hours creating a registry…….because it’s stuff they NEED! nobody needs 643 pairs of baby socks or 209 tutu’s in various colors. Now look, I’m not saying don’t buy any clothes every, but make sure you pick an item or two off the gift registry then buy that cute little swimming suit that the baby might wear once. Oh and for crying out loud babies don’t stop growing at 3 months.

Lily Masters 2 years ago

Totally agree!

Annette 2 years ago

My sister did exactly this when my younger 2 children were born! The older siblings got to be spoiled senseless by their favorite auntie and I got a few hours to sleep/nurse in the peace and quiet. She is awesome like that. :)

Britni Nikol Reno 2 years ago

I think these are nice thoughts, and yes showering is nice. I do think however most mothers will feel like they are already failing as a parent if you come over and clean their house. I know I did. I loved that people wanted to help me and I thanked them whole heartedly, but I wanted to do these things myself.

Stacey 2 years ago

LOL. My MIL offered to help with night feedings, too… I told her, “Okay, but it’s going to be a little awkward sitting there with you holding my boob!” Thankfully she has a good sense of humor and laughed, then did the dishes. :)

Rebekah Horton 2 years ago

I love those article! Thank you! You would think more women would know and follow these rules!

Wallydraigle 2 years ago

It’s nonsense like this that makes people weird about visiting new parents. Anyone who’s reading: most of us are not thinking all of this. No, really. We are grateful and happy to have friends who want to be there for us, even if they don’t do it perfectly.

If you’re unsure what your new mom friend wants, just ask. And if you’re that new mom, be honest. Don’t play stupid games with your friends. I’m not Snape. I can’t read your mind. And it’s not common sense because every single person is different in some way.

We got 8 different kinds of tater tot casserole and ate them all. Sure, we were sick of tater tot casserole, and maybe something healthier would have been nice, but I didn’t have to cook. That’s all I cared about.

Mostly, all I wanted was adult interaction. I was home with my kid all day and hated the isolation. As long as they weren’t expecting me to play hostess (have a really clean house, make a meal other than a sandwich or leftovers, or whatever’s already on the stove), I didn’t care. Please don’t go.

I didn’t want more stuff in my house, unless it was some kind of awesome baby gadget (Miracle Blanket, for instance).

And sure, you remember forever those people who come over and do everything right and are amazing and wonderful and clean for you, but if a friend came over and didn’t actively make my life harder, I was just so happy to see a person that I didn’t care if she washed her own stupid plate.

And you know what? Some people just want to hole up with their new babies and be left alone. No one should really assume anything at all, except for maybe, “Don’t trash the house and swing the baby by his ankles from the ceiling fan.”

Melissa 2 years ago

I totally agree with you Jen! My daughter is 3 1/2 months old right now and there were times in the first couple of weeks (mind you, I had really bad postpartum and to this day have severe anxiety with people being around my daughter) that my phone was blowing up with people wanting to stop by and come see her, not including family. It got to the point where a whole weekend was wasted with visitors. I love the visits but I was so damn tired all I was doing while they were there was wishing they would make this quick and leave before the next visitors came so that I could take a nap in peace. I have been very lucky to have a great baby who isnt very needy so getting the constant phone calls/texts asking to come and help me were appreciated but unnecessary and made me more anxious than what I needed. I was very worried about hurting people’s feelings but I am slowly coming to terms that I need to speak up for myself, especially now that I am my daughters voice.

Kendra 2 years ago

Everyone needs to calm down. I am very traditional, and I can’t stand people who feel entitled. That being said, I don’t think that is what she is trying to communicate here. I think she is just trying to open people’s eyes. Many people, especially people who have never had a child, would never even think about some of these issues. Many new mothers, when asked if they need something, or if there is anything to be done, will graciously say “oh no, I’m fine,” when really they are secretly begging for someone to help them, even if just for a little while. Pride sometimes prevents us from allowing a friend to see the reality, and help with our messes.

First time motherhood is OVERWHELMING.There is nothing that can adequately prepare you for all the challenges it presents. I think this article serves to educate, and embolden well-meaning friends who would love to be of help, but have no idea how. So, if you do go to visit a friend or family member with a new baby, think of THEIR needs and likes. Don’t show up and then say “if you ever need anything, don’t hesitate to call,” because no one ever takes you up on that. Show up, be perceptive, compassionate, and roll up your sleeves and tell her you’re there to help in any way you can.

LJ Livingston 2 years ago

I'm going to chime in here. I am a mother to two children. I empathize with Robyn, I'm reading of this is through compassionate eyes. The last thing she needs is to feel worse than she already does. It appears to me her filter is uncapped and she is overwhelmed with her new role. I agree with some of the "suggestions" but not the way they are written as demands, I hope in a few years she'll read this blog again and see how it could have been expressed with more kindness. I don't want to tear Robyn apart when it is so apparent to me that she is transitioning in many relationships. My only hope is that she finds or allows herself some help to get a break as needed. I remember the days I would relish going grocery shopping solo for an hour – it's a game changer when you have a colicky baby.

Rhea 2 years ago

I’m amazed at how many people think you’re “greedy” and entitled” for writing this! But I totally agree with you. We had just moved when I had our baby, so we didn’t have any friends trying to come by, and I was happy for it in those first few months (and grateful for all the help from my parents). And for those who are so offended and outraged (good use of energy!), if you can look past the humor and hyperbole, there are a lot of good tips for simply being a considerate friend in a challenging time.

Samantha Day 2 years ago

I absolutely loved the honesty that this contains. There are some very good points here too. Thank you.

Momk 2 years ago

Yes, because telling them to go home would not seem ungrateful or change the friendship at all. Duh! This isn’t about expecting these things, it is about how to be a good guest. This mother, yes as many before her, just went through a marathon so to speak. If you want to congratulate…send a card, call, text. If you want to see baby…wait for a picture. If you truly care for the person, you would insticntly want to help make things a little easier for them. I usually bring a meal to trade for baby snuggles and ask the mama which of a few choices sounds better. We all know that after having a baby, cooking doesnt usually happen often at first. For my last, #4, my husband is a supervisor and couldnt take any time off work. My older 3 kids would have been having a lot of cereal & fast food which isnt fair to them, but they would survive. Instead, i had great family/friends who brought home cooked meals for us. It was a delight! They are not raising my children because they made us spaghetti! I did not need gifts, 4 kids so i had all i needed. While i dont agree with every detail (eg: expensive meal) the sentiment is a good one. While you may not expect a new mother to be a good hostess, she will still feel the need to when she should be resting and letting her body heal properly. We all know you are going to show up in clean clothes, hair done, & makeup on while this woman is trying to remember the last time she saw the inside of a shower/tub and trying to figure out how many fays she has been wearing that shirt or if she remembered to brush her teeth. Be a good friend, relative, whatever and help out for a few minutes…like it would kill you? You are the ungrateful one expecting to go bother someone during their baby bonding time. You are the lazy one who cant help another person out. What if they broke their leg, would you expect all the same things out of them as a hostess or would you let them rest and visit when they are feeling better? Would you offer to get them a drink from the other room or would you expect them to hobble in there and make you one?

Sara Marie 2 years ago

Coming from a mother of 2, the first one being born when I was a teenager living 2.5 hours away from all family, I can say I wholeheartedly appreciated anyone showing up at my door with their arms extended to hold my baby. If bouncing got the baby to sleep, hell, sit there and bounce him for 5 hours for all I care. Glad you have a doting crew waiting on you hand and foot(like that man coming home to help out, yeah, didn't have one of those) but those who are actually on their own with a newborn are more appreciative.

Megan Gullickson 2 years ago

Hell yes.

Ann 2 years ago

While I don’t think it is necessary to always bring a gift, calling to ask a new mom what she needs on your way over is nice. Food is nice too. When I was in the hospital with baby number 2, all I needed was some sleep. My entire family was there while I was in labor but as soon as my daughter was born, poof, everyone disappeared. When people did show up, I felt like it was my job to entertain, even though I was falling asleep the entire time.

When we got home, no one showed up for a week except my mother. It was horrible. One person brought food and I almost cracked up bc I was trying to take care of a newborn and a 20 month old. Useful guests, family and close friends who plan to work, are most most welcome. One of my relatives showed up with two of her friends on the day we came home from the hospital after my first child was born! That kind of thing is not welcome.

I agree with so much of this and it would be so nice if we had a set of rules that we, as a society, all agreed to follow, like bring food and don’t bring friends.

Jessica 2 years ago

I agree with everything! What my husband and I wanted most of all was for you to BRING FOOD if you insist on coming over!

Janice Michelle Maxey 2 years ago

I don't agree with this either. I had a 33 week preemie and for the 10 weeks I was at home with him it was like ghost town everyone was too afraid to come visit because they didn't want to get him sick. That was the loneliest 10 weeks every and really affected how I felt about my maternity leave. I enjoyed the time with my son but someone loving on my miracle would have been nice too!

Michelle Stagg 2 years ago

I agree. I loved when my friends came over

AnneMarie 2 years ago

Wow, what a kind support you must be to any DIL of yours. I didn’t want my babies held by extended family members who felt somehow entitled to them, drenched in hormone-disrupting perfumes and SIDS-causing cigarette smoke. Not helpful. How entitled I must be, to have wanted to eat once every day or two, while feeding two other human beings exclusively with my body. Those who cared enough to bring food and leave quickly are still regular mutual visitors, years later. Those who thought I was lucky to bask in their presence simply because they were excited may now get an annual card, and I’m surprisingly not wishing for their return. Trust me, the women who you feel are too entitled to deserve your non-contributory presence…they don’t want you there anyway. So stay away from any new mothers aside from your daughter. It’s a win-win.

Sandy 2 years ago

I once had a friend that came over on day 2 of first new baby and refused to hand her over when I saw she was beginning to get hungry. I didn’t know any better and let her keep holding her, only to have an extremely fussy baby to deal with all evening.
A little off topic….during the birth of my second, my own Mother was appalled that we had not enough food in the fridge to feed the people we had invited to the homebirth and complained that she had to go out and buy $40 of food to feed everyone! She often brought that up when I visited her until I told her that there was no way I could know when I was going into labour and we had filled the fridge 3 times in preparation for my very overdue babe.
I also remember after having my first, getting in to the tub when people were at our house visiting (no water) just to rock back and forth because I wanted everyone to go away…this was 8 days straight of visitors…my husband checked on me after a half hour being missing and dismissed everyone before I emerged…had awful postpartum…but the message there is just wait a couple months…especially if you are from far away and are looking for a longer visit.

Emily 2 years ago

I’ve been reading through these comments & saw yours with that quotes & now your reply & thank you- for explaining your point & showing that you respect those who don’t have children.. Wish a lot of new moms would see that some of their child-less friends are desperate for kids of their own & are doing their best to support & celebrate you.

Emily 2 years ago

Just say it out loud.. You all seem so passive aggressive.

Mary Grace Cimino Bergin 2 years ago

Yipps.

Anne Rainey Walsh 2 years ago

My first two were born around Christmas when there was snow up to there and I live in the country. I would have gladly had any visitor who could sit in my filthy house and rock my baby. Hell, I would have fed them if it meant running to the store baby free and buying groceries. And as long as they didn't get shaken baby syndrome, bounce the frick away. I have three, eldest is almost 20, youngest is 14, and from a family of 10 children, so yes, I know what I am talking about.

Megan Alyssa Phillips 2 years ago

love it

Shannon Briones Strong 2 years ago

thanks for this!!!xoxo

Jen 2 years ago

Everyone on this site reading this article is happy that you, Jackie, and those that agree with the mentality that you represent, are not our mothers, sisters, friends, or extended female relatives. I remember how surprised and happy I was when my mom wanted to come visit us a little later after the baby was born, not asap (we live 6 hours flying distance away) because she knew what first the couple of weeks were like and she knew we’d want our privacy to live, eat, sleep, and live around the needs of a newborn. That is love. My mother in law, fortunately, wanted to come visit right away, but so she could cook for us. Another sign of true understanding and caring of what it takes to love and care for a newborn.

I know the perspective you represent, your words and perspectives are not unknown to the rest of us females, but rather represent a different culture, age, and perspective, one that many of us have come from or seen in older generations. We are more direct, confident, and happier, as well as, less passive aggressive, lost, and living our life to “please” the norms of others, and we love our husbands who match us in their ability to be flexible, adapt, and thrive in all types of environments, not just what is expected or traditional.

Your idea that being able to change a dirty diaper dripped with the perspective that women should never question their lot or change and to do so would be a weakness, and a female should never ever show vulnerability, even if that means becoming one of the stereotypical martyred passive aggressive hateful women that fill unhappy spaces. You sound really unhappy and mad that your life didn’t fulfill your desires. I’m sorry to hear it in your aggressive words, but you don’t scare us, you just remind us of what we as men and women and a culture have evolved from.

We don’t expect our friends to be our maids or disposable or spend money on us, but we do expect that our time is respected. If you ant to love our child, fantastic! Make sure you have that same desire in 6 months, a year, two years, five years, etc. We want you in our lives, but it can’t always be just when you deem it necessary.

Jen 2 years ago

I think you’re all unbelievable… what you need to understand is that you are NOT the only one who wants to visit and see the baby… there was someone visiting right before you and someone else will probably be coming over right after…you are one of MANY and the newmommy is surely exhausted and overwhelmed. Don’t be a self-rightous ass, it is not your right to visit or hold the baby… in fact it isnt even about you at all!! Good grief.

Mandy 2 years ago

Okay so I read this article and I read through the almost 300 comments which followed. I get both sides. I can see how friends and relatives want to be a small part of something so special and how they sometimes unaware many times overstep boundaries or disregard the mother’s wishes in order to be a part of it. Truth is, this is said woman’s pregnancy, delivery, body, baby, and it is her home. As awesome it is to be a great host there are times you aren’t going to feel like it. In this case, don’t do it. On that same note, we can’t expect people who do come to visit to do what we want or bring what we want. It doesn’t work that way and some people arent wired to give love in the way of doing things for you or giving you stuff. Best case scenario and I have learned this after 2 children, expecting my 3rd in May is to make sure people know what your ground rules are before the baby is born. Dont want anyone at the hospital? Let them all know. I didn’t with my second but with this one I am okay with it. Dont want any visitors for awhile after baby is born? I don’t mind but I don’t want my mother in law coming from CA until after June 15. My due date is May 18 but I have a feeling I will deliver a bit later. Anyhow I just don’t want her visiting right after the baby is born. She will also be bringing our 7 year old niece along and i just don’t need anymore added germs all over a brand new baby. Hopefully she won’t be sick when she comes and if so I hope my mil has the sense to leave her at home with her mom and dad. Anyhow, what I am trying to get across is express what you want to happen. It is better than hurt feelings later or undue frustration for you. If you don’t want people staying in your home then tell them. Facebook is a great place for these sorts of notes I’m talking about. A hey everyone this is how it is going down note. It’s not rude to want things how you want them. It’s your baby, your time, your home, your life. People can love you and your child all they want but to do it respectfully is the key. My mil and niece will be staying with us for 5 to 7 days and that’s okay. I dont believe I could stand visitors staying in my home for any longer than that. My own parents live a rocks throw from me and I wonder how all that is going to work out. My mom has always been very respectful of my privacy and space and she gets me unlike most people. My dad is really nice too and just recently stopped drinking so hopefully he will remain sober because that seems to help in his respect issues. Anyhow, best luck to all new moms out there and just tell people how it is.

BonnyBard 2 years ago

Hi Sharon, I’m sorry, my comment was insensitive. I didn’t mean to offend you, I was really only thinking of the friends with no kids (for whatever reason) or older family members and friends with grown kids who don’t remember what new babydom is like. Also, not everyone is overwhelmed by a new baby in the same manner, like I was, and I’m sure you’ve been a great mom to your foster kids and influence on your students and nieces and nephews. Lastly, my intention wasn’t really to vent on my MIL but to use her as an example. Anyway, sorry to have upset you.

Sharon 2 years ago

Aw how very sad MammaG. And no sarcasm here. Grateful for you you have a wonderful mother and mother in law. Who I’m sure must be a wonderful man with a mother like that.

Sharon 2 years ago

Sounds to me like she didn’t even know her kids were over there. Although admittedly the girls were maybe interested and perhaps could have been a help to you. They didn’t know any better. Should have handed them your laundry, put suds in the sink and passed the dish towels around. Think they might have made themselves scarce in a hurry.

Sharon 2 years ago

Well done. I think at the very least, for anyone that reads this, they might get the point of “What does mom want me to do?” And yes there are those out there who think that hubby should be the best supporter. But if he is working and gone all day, and tired, (much less than yourself) “the haters” think that is his job. Sure it is, but he is not a woman, never will be. Sensitive friends? Where are you?

Sharon 2 years ago

Exactly Considerate! Childless here myself, but manners are manners. Maybe some people here are too self absorbed to understand that. Politeness, graciousness and kindness are gifts that you are given from your parents/family/friends. Once you have it it doesn’t go away. Some people get it, some don’t. Should try it sometime, you unkind commenters. Catch more flies with honey and all that.

Sharon 2 years ago

Or maybe mom is just tired, aggravated, and wants to rant???

Diane 2 years ago

I could’ve written this myself. My first baby had colic for 6 months, and there were lots of clueless friends/relatives who came by to visit and comment on how tired I looked or would ask me for something to drink while I was barely hanging onto my sanity. Your article is awesome and spot-on! And cheers to you to surviving that colic shit!

S 2 years ago

I am on the fence about this post. Obviously it’s so important to respect a new moms wishes and I was raised to always be helpful when at a friend’s house for any occasion ( by clearing tables, doing dishes, cleaning up, etc. WITHOUT asking, just doing) regardless of a new baby. However, if the friends/relatives are close enough to be visiting a new mommy and baby and have no children of their own, please be honest about what you need!!!! Us childless people can be clueless but we really want to be helpful a simple “hey can you pick me up such and such on your way” or would you mind throwing that load of laundry in the dryer” while might be awkward in baby-less situation, is completely appreciated and more than welcome. Lists like this, while the tone of this one is slightly offputting, are also appreciated. I’d rather have my friends be honest about their needs such as short visits and things they need rather than be a burden to them!

Erin 2 years ago

Perhaps I’m not the norm but I loved having visitors of any types when my children were born. We had very few although we encouraged people to visit. Yes it was very nice if people brought food and I appreciated the gifts especially the gifts for my older child who was having a hard time adapting to being a big brother. But I was also happy with the people who merely came over and held the baby while talking for us for awhile. Since I was overwhelmed with having two kids at first we didn’t get out of the house much during the first few weeks besides doctor’s appointments. My husband didn’t have a ton of leave so I really appreciated having somebody to talk to and not feel so lonely. Even if all they did was want to hold the baby.
I also did have an offer to do my laundry and it just felt weird to me. I let her do the baby’s laundry but doing our laundry just seemed too personal. Otherwise we took care of all cleaning ourselves since you know it’s our house and if you have it clean before the baby then it’s not that hard to keep it somewhat clean afterwards especially if your husband is the type to pitch in with it.

Katherine 2 years ago

I think everybody is different. I don’t agree with a lot of items on that list. I am a new mom and I was always glad to have friends come and visit to see the baby. I didn’t expect them to bring food or gifts and I was glad they came for a chat and to hold the baby. I felt so overwhelmed at first taking care of my baby alone that I was just craving adult company. I could do everything for my baby just as well when I was with people as alone, but it just didn’t feel as overwhelming.

Cassie 2 years ago

The day I brought my first child home from the hospital, my cousin came to visit with her husband and their spazzy pit bull puppy. First, my husband told them to take the fucking puppy home. When they returned, my own mother told me to fix them something to eat. This was in 2007. I will always be pissed that that is my memory from my daughter’s first day home.

Maureen 2 years ago

My church did a great thing for me, as they do for all new moms – they use http://www.takethemameal.com and people sign up to bring the mom a meal every other night for the first 4-6 weeks postpartum. It was so great, and delicious food and saved us so much money in take out, plus we got to chat with people for just few minutes (I had cabin fever) and they got to see the baby. They were so wonderful, some people brought gifts, diapers. Now I use http://www.takethemameal.com for people I know who are sick, under the weather, mourning. Anyway, food is always a great gift to a mom and it makes organizing meals great. You could include the sign up website in the babyshower invitations and leave it up to them if they want/can cook a meal (or just have take out delivered).

Victoria 2 years ago

I think you have an obligation when visiting to not make things more difficult than they need to be. Work out an ideal time to visit, don’t stay very long unless it’s clear she wants you to stay, don’t do anything that will create work for the new parents. However, I don’t think it’s fair to expect your friends to bring you gifts, food from high end restaurants, do your housework, etc. in order to “earn” your friendship (they are already your friend) or a special place in your child’s life. Doing the extra things are nice, and good friends will definitely try to help, but saying someone is obligated to do these things is kind of rude, especially since there is really no way out of these expectations–sure a friend could just not visit you until after you are settled and the kid is six months old or so, but then that raises questions of “Where were you? How is it fair that you show up now? What kind of friend are you?”

Melissa 2 years ago

AGREED!

Shannon 2 years ago

I would have loved company, food and/or anything else. My literally crazy MIL was the worst. I had just gotten home from my 3rd c-section, my oldest child had an ear infection so bad she needed to be taken to the ER, so that’s where my husband went, with my FIL. My MIL stayed behind and woke me up to ask what I was making for supper. I was thinking, “Are you kidding me?!?! You have one grandbaby just home from the hospital, one grandbaby IN the hospital (ER), and you’re wondering where your next meal is coming from?!?! I was never so angry, and I still haven’t forgiven her, obviously. I ended up ordering pizza to shut her up, after I found out that between she, and my then 4 year old, had demolished a whole bag of chips.

Zlatina Zlateva 2 years ago

I actually cried didn't laugh when I read this one. So grateful that all the friends who turned up during those first 2 months were mindful.

MammaG 2 years ago

I get it completely! When I finally got my sweet baby home from the nicu and was just figuring things out, while at the same time dealing with devastating low supply issues, that’s when everyone wanted to hold the baby. I was sleep deprived and was either trying to latch her on or painfully and emotionally pumping. Most visitors expected me to put my boobs away in my own house or were frustrated that the baby was busy feeding, they didn’t say it so much as wait in the next room until i was finished adding pressure on top of everything I was already struggling with. I know everyone meant well and were excited to love on our little one but I didn’t care if they brought gifts or helped out I just wanted to be left alone to get to know my baby in the small time I wasn’t dealing with my breasts. This excluded my mother and mother-in-law who just naturally did all of those wonderfully helpful things while making it very clear i was not to stop what i was doing or cover anything. I was in constant fear of a surprise visitor at my door who wasn’t one of these two.

Chrissy Blake 2 years ago

These are some great tips. I just went for a visit to my cousin’s– she just had twins. We got a few cute outfits at Burlitgon for the kids, and brought some lunch with us. It was a great visit and with the prices we got on the outfits, it looked like we spent a lot more than we actually had. The clothes were about half what they would have cost in the department store.

Miranda 2 years ago

Oh God, I don’t know why but I laughed so hard at the phrase “once the older child realized the baby wasn’t leaving.” Thanks for that, even if my amusement makes no sense (and I’m half sure it doesn’t, because I read it out to my husband and he didn’t seem to think it was as funny as I did).

Katie 2 years ago

Omg thank you! My MIL keeps buying my little girl that shit! Especially those god awful pink sweatsuits they sell there. Which she will wear exactly once so grandma can see her in it and then into the trash it goes.

Pris 2 years ago

Wait a second.
I keep reading comments freely dropping the word “entitlement” (or other iterations thereof), and all I think is, “Isn’t it a bit entitled to show up at someone’s house under the guise of being ‘helpful’ or ‘loving’, but only serve your own needs and purposes?”

Honestly, let’s think about this: if I REALLY want to be helpful, I’ll ask – in a concrete way – what somebody needs, or I’ll offer what I think the other person wants or what I can give, with the option that mom can turn it down. It’s like with giving a gift — I can choose to buy my boyfriend “Friends – the Complete Series” box set because *I* want to talk about it with him, or I can buy him “Battlestar Galactica” on DVD because I know that’s what *he* wants, with a gift receipt attached just in case. The first one was about me and fitting my wants; the second was about him.

Maybe we just need to be more honest about our intentions. “I’m coming over because I want to hold your baby, because I love babies and they’re squishy and awesome” is an honest statement that lets mom say, “Huh. Fair enough,” or, “Hell no, I’m tired.” And for me to say, “I definitely want some baby-holding time, but I also know that you probably need your floor swept and some mac&cheese, and I can make those happen for you,” is clear and fair enough to mom that she might say, “Sweet. Can we trade floor-sweeping for you-hold-the-kiddo-and-I’ll-nap? You can still make the mac, though.”

Erin 2 years ago

When my first child was born, we had a 16 year old girl and a 12 year old girl living next door. I was 28 and conversations with them were less than stimulating to say the least.

From the moment we arrived home with the baby they bombarded us with requests to hang out and see the baby. They literally came running into our yard before we could even get in the house. For months they would come over every day, many times more than once a day, and beg to come “visit” and would even bring their friends over saying “my friend wants to see the baby”. I allowed it in the very beginning as I wanted to remain “neighborly” and polite but after that first week or two I had enough. I finally put a sign on the door that said new mother and baby sleeping. DO NOT KNOCK. I would even leave it up if I was just watching TV. Several times they would even ignore the sign.

Finally after being woke up from one too many naps and having my colicky infant woke up too many times from blatant disrespect, I told them in a not so neighborly way to go away. My thoughts the entire time we lived next to them always were what kind of a mother was the lady next door that she would allow her daughters to behave this way???? I was suffering from postpartum depression, all alone while my bf worked 14 hour days, trying to figure out WTH I was doing wrong while my son cried the hours away. WHY would she think I have the time, energy or patience to entertain someone else’s children all day???

Pia Bone 2 years ago

Great. We just put the baby down when I was reading this article so my husband and I were sitting in a chair dying out laughing in hushed voices…great. I married into a mexican family and we must have had 3-4 visits per DAY that first week. When our daughter was 5 days old, and threw her first scream fest we had a “THAT friend” over: She came at 4pm, carrying nothing but her high heeled, mini skirted long ass legs, sat in a chair and watched our “WTF am I supposed to do” new parents faces till almost 12pm!!! At 8pm my husband and I retired to “sleep” and she stayed, chatting with my MIL. After my FIL went to sleep it finally occurred to her it’s time to leave. The baby is 5 months old now and I just keep ignoring her “let me come and hold the baby” pledges. No fucking way. Are you kidding me?!

2ontheway 2 years ago

I think this is a great post. I hadn’t thought about what it’s going to be like when we have visitors when we bring the babies home.

While I don’t expect my wonderful friends to buy me fancy food or clean up, I do know now that it’s worth speaking up if my guests are overstaying their welcome. I would imagine I’ll be an emotional wreck with a short fuse. I also see that I should be super grateful for anyone helping out in those trying weeks.

To those super offended by this post, didn’t you see the warning on nearly every page?? “You’ve been warned…” Is it really worth it to be so pissed and indignant about someone else’s opinion on what they needed after they brought their baby home? If you don’t agree, then don’t be that way. It’s really really not a big deal. Aye yie yie.

sarah 3 years ago

That’s crazy!! Now I know why people don’t like their mother-in-laws!! I am blessed to have the most amazing, thoughtful and helpful MIL in the world!! I’m sorry it sounds like you do not! :(

Amanda 3 years ago

How about don’t bring your children over when you know that they will be holy terrors. A friend of mine showed p with two toddlers that were out of control…..brutal

Jaye 3 years ago

I think some of the advice here was good, but I think a lot of the advice or suggestion were a little…well chill out. I’ve has 3 c-sections, the last 2 were just 14 months apart, I was always happy to have people come to visit or drop by or what ever, no one and I mean no one expects a new mom and dad to have the house or anything else picked up. They dont care what you look like. just relax and enjoy. First time moms and dads can be over whelmed but its okay just chill out take your shoes off and relax. My daughter is having her first baby in June, first grandchild on both sides, she has made a schedule, one week stays for anyone that comes to see the baby, but they must care for themselves and must help out with the chores. And only the grandparents are to be at the birth…day. They live out of state, so I rented and apt. to be close by but not to to live in there house, because I know she will need help and I want to be close if and when I’m needed. So for all you newbies, the drop in visitors don’t stay long. Just be excited that you have family and friends that want to see the the sweet baby. Manners and be gracious receivers…plant and all.

Jennifer Howard Brackney 3 years ago

Could not have said it better myself! Amen sister :)

Julie 3 years ago

Exactly my thoughts!! I know enough new moms though to know not all turn into self-important greedy people.

jules 3 years ago

HA! Amazing :-)

Carrie 3 years ago

That’s when you turn around and point towards the kitchen and say, “Help yourself” :) If they can hold the babies, they can most definitely fill the kettle and bring you a cuppa!

Tina 3 years ago

I had difficulty conceiving too. Three kids later I look at it as a blessing and a curse all rolled into one. Not having it handed to me made me really appreciate it more when I was lucky enough for it to happen. It really makes you focus on what you have instead of what you don’t! Good luck on your journey to the world greatest gift and I wish you all the best!

Sam 3 years ago

Hahahahaha! Ok, now I’m having second thoughts about being a mother, if this is what it will turn me into.

courtney 3 years ago

My sister brought me potted lillies, they were lovely, then the died, they sat on my porch till spring when I dug a hole and buried it, thinking, maybe its a really hardy perenial. 7 years later I have lilies all over my yard and my son is thrilled every spring when HIS flowers start to grow.

AK 3 years ago

Oh my goodness, do I agree! I had a friend bring over lunch for us to share, but it was a lunch that required dishes and utensils, and we do not have a dishwasher. Oh, and she brought her 2-year-old. So I spent at least 45 minutes cleaning up after them when they left, because they did not help with dishes or lunch clean-up, and her kid tore apart my living room and dumped out toys, blankets, coasters, books, etc, everything that was neatly put away. The kid even put both my baby’s pacifiers in her mouth, which then had to be boiled. They weren’t asked back anytime soon. Having them over is too much work.

P 3 years ago

Robyn, you don’t need to validate your post to anyone. Presumeably, friends that come to see your baby are friends with which you used to go out to dinner at no less than a $30 tab per person? So….to bring you a fancypants burger and truffle fries from the local “gourmet” should not break the bank. (Can you guess what my holy Last Supper was before C-section?)
And I disagree with you: at that FIRST visit, you get to talk about milk running into your armpit (when you thought you were just really sweaty), exposing yourself to your photographer friend’s husband when they came to visit you in the hospital, and that horrendous first poop that was worse than childbirth. Hey, you might gross out your friends, but then they just might leave you with THEIR lunch as well 😉 Bonus!!!

Tiffani 3 years ago

Whenever someone comes over to visit, I find out how long they are going to stay. If it’s two hours, I prepare bottles and change my son’s dirty diaper. Once the “guest” shows up, that person is handed a baby and I go to sleep.

Kate 3 years ago

This article is not about a baby being loved and cherished. It is about having a little bit of respect for the woman who pushed him out – or had him cut out.

I have eight nephews, four nieces and six god-children and am expecting my first and second (yes, twins). I have to say that I would never presume any right to ‘express my love for a child’, even if we are related, without first acknowledging and respecting the mother (and / or fathers) wishes and privacy.

Love the child to bits, by all means – and yes, it takes a village, no one is denying that, but have a little common sense too.

Most new moms need a helping hand, so before you presume your ‘right’ to love on and hold the baby, check in on mamma and see how she’s doing. Nine times out of ten, you are guaranteed that she needs some help. So if you want to hold the baby, help the mom first, if she needs it. That’s not so extreme now is it?

Kate 3 years ago

Dear Robyn.

You are brilliant.

I’m printing – and sending – and posting this article.

Thank you.

Common Sense Mom 3 years ago

You do realize that this entire web site is dedicated to sarcasm, snarkiness and the deepest darkest thoughts that we have? NONE of us move through the world saying these things out loud or even reacting in this way. This is a fun, safe place for moms to blow off steam. Don’t take any of this too seriously. And for goodness sake don’t log on here anymore if you can’t understand the concept of the web site.

Common Sense Mom 3 years ago

Time and elbow grease are the BEST gifts!! :)

Common Sense Mom 3 years ago

Can you be my friend? You sound like a treasure. Really!

Common Sense Mom 3 years ago

No, my friends do a fabulous job being good thoughtful friends and I do the same for them. It’s my RELATIVES who I can’t get rid of that show up and demand to be waited on hand and foot, eat our food and pout if the baby is sleeping/not to be disturbed and they stay way way way too long, never offering to help with anything. If you read my previous posts you’ll see that my comments reflect that.

I have to ask… Are you this serious and angry all the time? You realize that this whole entire website is snarky and sarcastic, ON PURPOSE, it’s a place to blow off steam and then go back to your family with a smile on your face having vented a little. This site is not REALITY, just a small piece of it. Chill OUT honey.

eat, little bird 3 years ago

For most new mothers, especially those recovering from a c-section, and especially those coming home with a premature baby, the first few weeks can be really tough as you’re just coming to terms with the fact that looking after a tiny human being involves sacrificing your time to sleep, eat, brush your teeth, change into clean clothes, etc.

But it was precisely for these reasons that I allowed visitors after a few weeks. I needed to snap out of what I felt was a downward spiral of early motherhood and feel normal again. To that end, I even found the time and energy to bake a cake for our first visitors! And after our first lot of guests left, I suddenly felt better for having survived my first social event after coming home with the baby, and that burst of confidence slowly helped me to adjust to my new role as a mother.

I would absolutely love for someone to cook, clean and shop for me at the moment (baby is currently 8 weeks old), but I just wouldn’t  have the heart to ask anyone (except my husband) to attend to any of these tasks; most people, quite frankly, are only visiting to get a glimpse of your newborn.

Which is another reason why I said ok to having visitors in the early weeks. Newborns lose their newborn look so quickly that it would be a shame not show them off during this period.

Having said the above, friends and family should definitely be more mindful of what the new parents need. Sure you are taking time out of your busy lives to pay a respectful visit but, in the first few weeks or even months, the new mother is going to be sleep-deprived, hormonal, still getting to grips with breastfeeding and/or pumping, anxious to find some sort of sleeping routine and wondering how this will fit in with visits from friends and family. While it’s more than ok to hold the baby for a little bit (especially if the new mother insists so she can have a nap, a shower or just go and pee), your visit would be more welcome if you could do something to help out the new mother and lift her spirits a little.

If someone were to compile some rules of etiquette when visiting new mothers, I would advocate for the following:

1. Bring food instead of flowers. Home-cooked meals would be much welcome but even a bag of fruit would be gratefully received.

2. Stuck on gift ideas for the baby or parents? Buy nappies, wipes, nursing pads … you can never have too many of these items and you will save the parents some shopping time. Call ahead and find out about brands and sizes.

3. Limit your visit to about 30 minutes. This should be enough time to enquire about the parents’ well-being and to quickly cuddle the baby.

4. Refrain from giving any advice on parenting or breastfeeding unless you are specifically asked for your opinion. 

5. As someone has mentioned above in the comments, absolutely refrain from looking at the mother’s breasts and questioning out loud whether she has enough milk. Especially if you are a guy. 

Lisa 3 years ago

Birthdays should be for the birthday child…yes…but when a new baby is born and a child is becoming a big sibling for the first time, that is different. Our children always picked gifts for the new babies and helped get their rooms ready. We also had a big brother gift waiting for them when they came to the hospital to meet their new little sibling. Becoming a new big sibling is just as important to celebrate as a new baby being born. My children became different people once they each had a younger sibling. It was amazing and it was an obvious change.

With my second, the hospital played a video about how even if your current children were in love with the baby when it first got home to be prepared for that to change after about 2 weeks once the older child realized the baby wasn’t leaving. We NEVER had that happen with any of our 3 older children and I really think that was because of how we handled the change for them.

gladys 3 years ago

I guess what bothers me as MIL is: when my children were born, I certainly hated visitors coming over for all reasons given but adored when my mother or in-laws came as they were there to allow me and my husband to enjoy the baby. They made tea and meals to freeze and did laundry and helped me out with the unknown. I just wanted to be that person for someone else and who better than a DIL? It is very difficult to have a DIL that just doesn’t like any help and resents it as she feels we are saying she isn’t capable if we offer to help. We aren’t even allowed to be alone with the first child for more than 1/2 hour in a week and she is about 2.5 now. Remember we live 1500 miles away so visits are very rare.

Jessica 3 years ago

The perfect baby gift…pay attention people! A gift bag that contains: nursing pads, sanitary pads, vaseline (for circumcisions and diaper rash), stool softener (because who knew you needed THAT?) newborn diapers (the tiny ones for the first couple days), whatever they are recommending nowadays for umbilical cord care, infant tylenol, and anything else you can think of that they will need that first week. Because I know I didn’t want to send my husband out to get this stuff (it would be wrong anyway) lol, and I wasn’t moving too fast either!

RaeLynn 3 years ago

I’m not sure it ever mattered what the conversation was about for me. I was glad to just have someone to talk with (yes, even right after giving birth). The new baby wasn’t the only thing happening in the world. He was sweet, cuddly and pooped a lot but honestly, in my opinion, it was great to hear about something other than how tired I was, how much my boobs hurt, or how many ounces the baby was eating. It is good, especially within the first week to talk about other things and other people’s drama. It helps you feel “normal” again.

Carol 3 years ago

This is perfect! When I had my second baby, a girlfriend came to the hospital and spent the whole time talking about her new boyfriend…even sat on my hospital bed while she engaged everyone else in the room in her conversation about said boyfriend. I was too tired to show my disbelief. To this day I still can’t believe it!

therobynnest 3 years ago

And I would add that as a new mom it was easily a full year before I could talk about anything other than baby poop and what my boobs were doing. And I’m a lawyer; when I returned to work, it was at court. I could not stop myself from talking about boobs and poop, even to judges. And I KNEW it was going over badly and I could not shut myself up.

therobynnest 3 years ago

Well this could turn into a fun sub-topic, then. What’s worse? New mom conversation topics or baby-holder topics? My sister called me in the hospital to tell me how she was passed over for a job promotion. I’d literally just had my baby. Yes, she knew that.

Robin 3 years ago

I get it that the article’s supposed to be a little bit tongue-in-cheek. But honestly, it’s a little nerve-wracking to visit a new baby anyway. You don’t want to say the wrong thing to the mom, you don’t want to hold the baby the wrong way, you wonder if you even SHOULD hold the baby, etc.

Thinking that the mom was judging ME the way she claims not to want to be judged would really throw me off and would make me not want to visit.

And really, the “shit” we (baby holders) talk about? I think moms are more guilty of this than anyone. I wish I could write a letter to my mom friends telling them I do NOT want to hear about their blocked milk ducts, what their infant son’s penis looked like after his circumcision, or how what color the baby’s poop was today.

Heater 3 years ago

My in-laws visited from out of state 8 weeks after I had our firstborn. I had already returned to school full time. They proceeded to judge the way my house was kept and later when I gave my father-in-law a resume to look over he promptly pointed out that I was not an organized person because he remembered from the last time he visited. Unbelievable!

therobynnest 3 years ago

Wow. The essay on do-nothing baby holding has been shared on facebook 27,000 times in the 27 hours it’s been up on Scary Mommy. There are some scathing comments on various sites but I think the 27k shares outweighs 30 scathing comments.

The way it’s written is meant to be biting and over-the-top but the soul of it is entirely true to me. It’s an internal voice that a lot of us mothers have, whether we outwardly acknowledge it or not. And if you don’t have that voice then goody for you. Some women poop unicorn rainbows; I get that.

People are giving me shit for “not being able to celebrate my baby without someone bringing me food” and I have to ask, what the hell are you talking about? Had I not been celebrating that baby since I peed on the stick? Do you think that I, personally, can’t love and appreciate my little human without someone else shining up my refrigerator? What does that have to do with feeling like an overwhelmed first-time mom with a child whose tiny body needed FIVE AND A HALF MONTHS to outgrow his severe colic?

These rules are about MY story and my friends and my family. Some performed awesome acts of loving kindness and some– even those with children or who had already raised children of their own– boggled my mind with their inept behavior and pig-headed comments. I wish I could include the more outrageous things but they’ll know that I’m talking about them. And they ALL knew about bad my baby’s colic was, how desperate I was feeling, and how hard of a time I was having figuring it all out.

When you have a child who is so severely colicky yes, it is a really big deal to squeeze your fat ass into something that fits and sit around and listen to whatever the hell it is this baby-holder feels like talking about. The shit baby-holders talk about boggles my mind, too!

I often didn’t find the time to go pee in an entire day. I didn’t brush my teeth. I didn’t feed myself. There was no way I would have been rushing around making myself and my house “presentable” if this person wasn’t coming over. When it would turn out that they were making themselves into a guest and weren’t there to lend a hand, their company was really not welcome in my mind because of how hard my struggle was at the time.

I was so overwhelmed and lost and often found that even when my own mom would visit that I was resentful that it became “my time to do my chores” while she held my baby because she wasn’t going to cook or clean; those days were long over for her.

I just wanted someone to help me while *I* held my baby. Or do something to help in the rare moments that the baby slept. I think that’s part of being a loving friend or relative– not just showing up.

I’m not talking about people who were “desperate for adult conversation” (question: for women who have significant others coming home at the end of the work day can you really not go 9 hours with talking to an adult’s face?) or single moms or women with deployed husbands or people with twins or triplets.

I’m talking about the vast majority of new mothers. They have singleton babies and they have a husband coming home at the end of the day. There wasn’t one person whose company and help I wanted more than I wanted my husband’s.

And truly, when someone would show up and not ask if they could bring anything, didn’t bring any food, didn’t bring even a tiny thoughtful gift, didn’t ask how they could help I really, I really wondered what the hell they thought they were doing there.

But hey, not everyone has the difficult baby I had the first time. My second baby was an angel that fell from the sky and slept for 2 months only waking to nurse. This was my story. It doesn’t have to be yours. It doesn’t make me an ungrateful bitch who should be waiting on others in celebration of this kid who was driving me to the brink of insanity.

Genevra 3 years ago

Presents for kids can be a touchy subject, but personally I think it’s important to teach little people to take pleasure in the joy of others. When its your sister’s birthday, SHE gets the presents and you celebrate WITH her. Maybe little siblings could even have fun picking out a present for the new baby themselves! (Even a silly or impractical one would be good practice for generosity and thoughtfulness). Good teachable moment.

Jen 3 years ago

I got a plant too! What’s up with that? I’m not even a plant person!

MomMom 3 years ago

I don’t think its rude at all for her to ask for a little time to herself to bond as a family with HER child. Its great that you want to be involved but I think you need to be polite and give her the space when she ask. Maybe she also wants some time to start the healing process before she has to entertain people in her home!

MomMom 3 years ago

Yes! I had this happen at the hospital several times. Even had some of my bf’s family randomly show up in my room, unannounced, that I had never even met! My mil and fil would just walk right in my room without knocking! MY MOM even had the tact to knock so i could cover up a bit!

RaeLynn 3 years ago

As amusing as this was to read, I have to whole heartedly disagree. With my first, I had plenty of visitors at the hospital but no one came when I had gotten home until two weeks after. I was a single mom and I was a mess. My son was attached to a bili blanket for a week,but would scream if you put him down. I didn’t have a microwave or car and he would cry (colic) every time I tried to cook. I didn’t have a shower or hot meal for two weeks – TWO WEEKS. I would have killed for visitors-ANY visitors. I wouldn’t have even minded if they asked for beverages and food, as long as they held the baby.

Michelle 3 years ago

I loath surprise gifts, not that I’m a control freak so much as if you are spending money on me I’d rather it was useful. People have given me tons of knicknacks and really they’re pretty when I’m 50 but when I have a baby it’s one more thing that has to be moved for child proofing the crawling baby house. Cooked and prepared food is always good= and limit spices if you are bringing it to a breastfeeding mom, last thing she needs is a baby with explosive diarea

Considerate Friend 3 years ago

I think the point here is to be a considerate and thoughtful friend. Check with the new mom to see if the visit is okay, ask what she and baby need, and don’t expect someone who just gave birth to entertain you. Those are pretty good rules in general – think about who you’re visiting and behave accordingly. That said, some of these comments are absurd. New moms, nobody can read your mind! If you need privacy and alone time, cool, say so. Any true friend will get it. But these “childless people are sooooo clueless” remarks are annoying. It’s about good manners! I don’t have kids, but I took off every Friday for a month to help my new mom friend with laundry, play with her cats, grocery shop, etc. Some of her friends with kids couldn’t do that. Ask nicely for what you need and be grateful and gracious when you get it! You’ll be amazed at how politeness and kindness can spread.

Jessica 3 years ago

I always wait to be invited, or wait a month or more and then ask if she’s up for visitors. I don’t have children of my own, but I imagine that having people stop by unannounced (or inviting themselves over) when you’re not feeling all that great and haven’t slept a full night since before the baby was born and you’re running on fumes is just freakin’ awful.

That being said, I’m not bringing anything. I can barely make my bills, so tough shit. I offer my company and perhaps some free babysitting from time to time, but that’s all I have to give.

Scholar4Life 3 years ago

I have had two infants (and two c-sections) and I didn’t feel like any of my friends were selfish for just visiting. I enjoyed when people held the baby because it freed my arms. Also, with my second, the visitors would distract and pay attention to my older son which made him feel important. I will say that after having my babies, I paid a weekly maid because I felt like cleaning was too much, and unnecessary. But I would never expect my friends to do that for me.

Mercy 3 years ago

This was a great article and so true. When I had my 3rd baby, I had a 3 year old and a 19 month old as well, and was recovering from a C-section. I had a friend who, despite having to leave her small child home with her husband, stayed every night in the hospital with me. Then a few weeks later, she dropped by one evening and found me with baby in arms, trying to cook dinner for the kids. She finished the food, then proceeded to sweep and mop my whole house. It meant a lot to me because I had to go it alone a lot because of hubby’s late work hours.

brooke rains 3 years ago

Hilarious. Some of the commenters are taking this way too seriously!

CC 3 years ago

THANK YOU For this amazing advice!

jd 3 years ago

A week isn’t terribly long — my mother-in-law waited a couple days while we were still in the hospital and a couple of days after we settled in at home to meet her first grandchild. Because she behaved so impeccably then, she’s going to fly up in advance of the next one and watch the older kid while I produce Kid 2. I hope you and your DIL can forgive each other and enjoy those babies!

jd 3 years ago

I imagine that recovering from major surgery (a C-section) makes everything way more difficult. I was happy to have folks stop by for an hour, food or cleaning or no, within a few days. But this also probably depends on your friends and family. If you have even one person in your life who needs everything to be about them at all times, that would be extra-exhausting post-natally.

Loading the dishwasher and providing food that the parents are known to like is truly delightful, but I found some grandmotherly cleaning annoying — where did everything end up? At least when it was on the counter, I knew.

Appreciative of Candor 3 years ago

Also… I don’t agree with all the rules – I’d edit a couple out. I’m cool with no gift and someone just coming over to see how we’re doing.

Appreciative of Candor 3 years ago

I wish I could circulate this as a flyer to certain friends and family right before I have this baby. I would add another – DON’T BRING ALL YOUR KIDS OVER WITH YOU TO VISIT SOMEONE WITH A NEW BABY! Got a visit the day after coming home from hospital with my first from a family that came over after taking their 4 kids to lunch at a fast food play place and then they kept trying to touch the baby, they were fighting and screaming, and running all over our house breaking things (Christmas and bathroom decor), taking food from the fridge, and taking things out of the crib/nursery and scattering them all over the house. I finally excused myself with the baby because I was exhausted and actually sat in my room and cried until we both fell asleep. By the time I woke up, they were gone. IT WAS WAY TOO MUCH FOR THIS 1ST TIME BRAND NEW HORMONAL MOMMY! The real kicker here is that the mom was so insulted by me retreating to my room, that she hasn’t talked to me since… it’s been 3 years! Never once during the visit did they tell the kids to calm down or stop or apologize for the things they broke. Disastrous!

Lisa 3 years ago

That’s exactly something my GERMAN relatives would do…

Kim 3 years ago

I wholeheartedly agree with you on this one UNLESS there is an older sibling around the same age who would love the playtime! Lol

Bri 3 years ago

Also, if the baby is really fussy and crying.. Seriously, don’t stick around, be brief and then let me go handle the baby In peace :)
Also- showing up in expected is so a no no

Loosey 3 years ago

I see both sides. First I WISH my own mother or MIL would have the desire to just go in and do all of those wonderful things you did for the first child. However, I do understand that the birth itself and first few days are for the immediate family to get adjusted and enjoy a few days as a new family. I am envious of those who have parents and in-laws who are so active in their grand kids lives because mine are not!

gladys 3 years ago

I am a mother in law, out of state from my DIL and Son. When they had their first child, my first grandchild, They felt that me and my husband should be no where near them and as it turned out we were in the vicinity when the DIL went into labour, the DIL absolutely had a temper tantrum that we want to stop by. When we finally insisted as it was too costly to go fly home and back at their convenience, we went in and did their laundry, dishes, changed their sheets and cooked food for them to freeze. We stayed about 2 hours. We flew home. They are now having a second baby next month and have made it clear we are not welcome for at least a week as it is only time for the family to bond! We are the only grandparents and are very seriously hurt that we are not considered a part of their family. We are welcome when their friends are. I guess they told us!

Patti 3 years ago

My best friend has twin girls, and when they were about a month old, I stayed the weekend at their house and took care of them, night and day. I stole the baby monitor, made a thousand bottles, and changed a thousand diapers. I was exhausted by the end of the weekend, but I’ll never forget how great my friend looked after two nights of solid sleep, and how happy her husband was. If you have the means/opportunity to do this – DO IT!! Your friend will appreciate more than you know.

Rebeccah 3 years ago

Can I borrow them sometimes? My mother is well meaning but a little questionable in the judgement department.

Rebeccah 3 years ago

That is amazing. What good friends…

Rebeccah 3 years ago

Anyone who comes around a newborn with germs needs to be slapped. I won’t even go around a newborn if one of my kids has something, just in case I’m carrying around their cooties!

Rebeccah 3 years ago

Ouch. I cannot believe how ridiculous some people can be!

Rebeccah 3 years ago

I broke my leg and ankle when my daughter was three weeks old, had surgery a week later to fix it. Subsequently I was housebound for the next two months because I couldn’t carry the baby and crutch at the same time therefore no driving OR walking. I would have killed for someone to have come over to hang out with me. Extreme circumstances obviously, but it was super lonely – everyone “didn’t want to bother me”. I’d say the best thing to do is offer support and company, be helpful and considerate and don’t get your knickers in a twist if someone wants to be left alone. I think the best thing you can do for someone is to do what THEY want – not what YOU want.

Sarah 3 years ago

Also if you haven’t seen te mom in three years, please don’t show up at te hospital unannounced…with your mother…while the new mom is pumping… And say its fine you just wanted to visit…

Rebeccah 3 years ago

Occasionally it is. Most of the time it isn’t. Don’t take this stuff to heart – 95% of it is sarcasm, venting and laughing at yourself. :-)

Jane 3 years ago

This is really lovely–Thank you so much for being kind :)

Jane 3 years ago

No personal offense was meant!! I was only commenting on the tone of this post, which rubbed me the wrong way…(and geeze, I never expected a comment I made while half-sleep to generate so much feedback!) That’s really lovely that you and your husband did that, and I apologize if it sounded like I was slighting your friend. As someone on a fixed income myself, I really appreciate what you said about donating time–which is something I’ve done myself for friends with kids :)

Rebeccah 3 years ago

On behalf of all decent people everywhere I would like to apologize for that ATROCIOUS behavior. You poor thing!

Rachael Y 3 years ago

I can tell you Robyn does not commodify her friends. I am the friend who brought my husband – he held the baby while I cleaned. It’s not about the financial gift. Her being able to bathe and wash her hair meant more than anything we could have bought or brought.

For her second child I went for a week. Cleaned, did laundry, and had a blast with her older child.

Why did I clean and stay? Because my family is on a fixed income and the most valuable thing I have to offer is myself.

neo 3 years ago

OH MY GOSH! I had a girlfriend who did that. She held my baby and expected me to entertain her. I was so exhausted and needed a nap so bad. She has been so inconsiderate! We are not as close to say the least!

Nicole(Whole Strides) 3 years ago

I was really just mean and selfish and wanted some space. I didn’t turn anyone away who expressed a specific interest in coming by, but I certainly wasn’t rolling out the welcome mat. After giving birth, with a bay nursing round the clock and a sore crotch, the last thing I want to do is socialize. There’s plenty of time for that later.

Jesse 3 years ago

Wow…I completely disagree with the article and with most of these comments! Someone wise once told me after I had my first son “Do not interfere with people who want to love your child.” I took this to heart and love people to love on him and yes, hold him without cleaning, cooking etc. I would absolutely detest being friends with someone with this attitude. Yes, I have babies and yes, I can host people who want to fawn over them, and yes, I had difficult deliveries/recovery periods to boot!

Meg 3 years ago

How about do NOT bring your germs. Having to wear a mask for 8-9 weeks around your brand new babies because someone thought it was ok to come to your home with the flu…then pertussis…is not fun.

MomMom 3 years ago

Also important to keep the conversations light and happy! My in-laws came over when my son was a week old. I was taking my first real shower at home (had a c-section) and they came over without calling! Their main conversation topic? How they were building a fireplace and storing lots of caned food incase of some “end of the world” kind of scenario!! Here I am, with my newborn baby, hormones going whacko and they are talking about the end of the fucking world?! I actually asked them, with tears in my eyes, to please stop talking about such horrible things, and they got pissed at me about it! There next topic of converstation? Giving me grief about not being able to produce breast milk and how EXPENSIVE formula was. It was a horrible situation. Never have been able to totally forgive them of that one!

Common Sense Mom 3 years ago

I don’t expect a baby gift or a gift for my other children. If you show up with ANYTHING edible and do a load of dishes, wipe off a counter or play with my older kids while I take a shower I will absolutely WORSHIP you forever. It does not take money to be a good friend or a good grandparent. It just takes THOUGHTFULNESS.

Mere 3 years ago

When our wee girl was 6 weeks old my husband went to Bali for 10 days to do charity work (one of those things that seemed a good idea before Bub arrived). His departure coincided with arrival of bub’s first cold and a growth spurt.
I will forever be a little bit in love with one of hubby’s best friends who; despite having no children of his own; called me to see what food in the world I most wanted in the world. Him and his girlfriend arrived with a movie, food, and supportive hugs. They fed me whilst Bub ate, held her so I could go to the bathroom and were just so wonderful.

Common Sense Mom 3 years ago

AMEN. A-MEN.

Common Sense Mom 3 years ago

The best was my stepmom and dad who drove hours just to take my colicky baby from me at 9pm, send me to bed and let me sleep until 2am. It was the first stretch of sleep over 3 hours that I had for weeks. BLISS. Will never forget that.

THAT folks is what REAL grandparents do. This will be remembered when I am picking out their nursing home.

Common Sense Mom 3 years ago

What is ironic is that ALL of my friends know this list by heart (even the childless ones!) but NONE of my relatives do…especially the ones who have had babies many times.

The worst is my MIL who shows up empty handed, sits down to hold the baby then requires everyone to wait on her as if SHE is the one with 12 stitches in her twat. She expects photos too: get your camera, document how wonderful and involved I am! After she sits, smiles for photos and absorbs her fill of attention she walks right past the sink full of dishes, the piles of laundry, the destroyed play room and leaves. She will return when the baby is old enough to recognize how intelligent and witty her grandmother is.

This is followed by my FIL who REFUSES to wash his hands (“Oh I did that two weeks ago, I’m fine!”) before holding and touching the baby…in the mouth…a lot.

Then there is DH’s Stepmom who shows up bathed in Aquanet hairspray and Chanell No5 wearing a 100% wool sweater from 1975 covered in dog hair that has not been washed…ever.. and her 6 inch long finger nails (on hands also washed 2 weeks ago). You can see the crud under her nails but thanks to her failing vision, she cannot.

If there are any older people out there reading this…take this to heart:, WASH YOUR HANDS, NO, I DON’T MEAN SPLASH THEM IN WATER, WASH THEM WITH SOAP, LEAVE OFF THE PERFUME, CUT THOSE DISGUSTING FINGERNAILS and FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, NO WOOL SWEATERS. And DO SOMETHING while you are visiting.

Kim 3 years ago

These are spot on!
I went into labor with my second son while my entire fam was out of town. My mom had actually gone out of the country for a conference and my husband’s grandfather had passed away so they all went to the funeral (the little guy was 2wks early).
Anyway, my aunt came to stay the weekend to help with my older son who was only 15 mos old at the time. My sister-in-law came over at 2am so I could get to the hospital and when I got home I discovered she had been grocery shopping, cleaned the entire house, including changing the sheets on which my water had broken.
Once the rest of the in-laws got back my MIL kept my oldest for a week while my husband and I adjusted to the newbie. Talk about lucky :)

Julie 3 years ago

I would just want someone to come take care of the baby for an hour so that I can take a nap! Once someone offered to watch my kids for me so I could nap. She wanted me to drive them to her house twenty minutes away. I never took her up on it.

Jenny 3 years ago

I loved the whole post, but the “God, yes!” part for me was the part about visitors coming and putting their big faces in my overstimulated, colicky baby’s face and then bouncing her and bouncing her and bouncing her. My MIL came to stay with us when I had my baby, and I was livid at the idea — until I learned that she was actually there to make tons of freezable meals for us, keep the house tidy, do laundry, and not try to hold the baby only when the baby was content. MOM wants to hold the baby when baby’s content. VISITOR can hold the baby when baby is going on her third hour of being a screaming banshee.

Cindy 3 years ago

Wow, I have never visited a new Mother and stayed any longer than 40-45 minutes…..I can’t imagine popping in and staying long periods of time. Also, I never expected people to bring me gifts, or gifts for the babies ever. In fact, I was more grateful that they came over and spent time with me, hubs, and baby. I had a horrible c-section birth, vertical incision that was leaking for 4 months (beautiful it was), and felt dizzy most of the time. I was grateful to have people come over and visit during that time. Especially new Mothers I felt were competent to hold my baby. I was a little over-protective.

If we’re talking etiquette though, here is one NO-NO that should never occur when visiting a new Mother. Never comment on the size of the Mother’s breast while she is breastfeeding. That will get you killed. My Mother in law felt compelled to mention it, I swear, even with the low milk supply I had, I swear it shut it down entirely. I wanted to kill. That would be a no-no. If someone is compiling these for some kind of book on etiquette…I think this should top the list.

Loved it when people brought us food (didn’t care what it was as long as I didn’t have to cook it). As far as gifts, even the most hideous outfit, I put it on the boys, took a picture of them wearing it (even if it was staged….bad I know) sent it to them or posted in on Facebook and thanked them for it. It’s nice to receive things you want or need, on the other hand keep in mind that if a little old lady took the time to knit it or venture out on a shopping trip to get it, I don’t care how hideous the outfit is……they’re wearing it, even if it’s just once. Then again I can see others’ point of view about receiving things they’re actually going to use….it is actually wasteful to do otherwise.

Cindy

Emma 3 years ago

Damn, i’m guilty of a lot of those!

Right after I had ds8m I had tons of family visit. They all expected coffee and tea and snacks and when I would bring it they’d tell me that I need to rest and sleep when the baby sleeps. I always wanted to tell them to get the fuck out so I could do exactly that. I did enjoy company but not where I had to wait hand and foot on them when I was healing from a very bad tear.

Danielle 3 years ago

How selfish is someone who comes visit a new mom and expect to be served? How selfish is it to go visit a newborn just to see the newborn and not care if you are a chore for the new parents?

Natasha 3 years ago

Adding another one: my biggest pet peeve is when people come over and want to hold the sleeping baby. They don’t care that you just spent what felt like an endless amount of time rocking your colicky cranky baby to sleep. My rule was don’t wake him unless you feel like staying until he goes back to sleep again and once he is sleeping he goes in his bassinette. You don’t have to deal with a child who “sleeps when held” at 4am.

Tanya 3 years ago

I actually loved being brought homemade food. What I hated was somebody come to my house with a FROZEN lasagna that I had to cook myself and a bag of salad that I had to find dressing for. I thought that was the tackiest thing ever.

Stephanie 3 years ago

I had the unfortunate experience of not really getting any help from anyone after the birth of our son (our first) while I was recovering from a C-section. My MIL came to the city to visit her family but my hubby literally had to beg her to stay with us for 3 days. She was amazing during those 3 days and it was such a relief but when your own mother leaves the province for 2 wks immediately after her 1st grandchild is born, you’d think MIL would jump on an opportunity to help out. I’ve endeavored to “pay-it-forward” with all my friends who’ve had babies since. I always bring a meal, a gift, or allow them to chose date/time/length of stay. And I never bring my toddler along as that would be just plain disasterous. A couple of comments about this article: I was/am a very social person and I found that the lack of people even just calling or texting brought me down. I craved adult conversation that was about things other than feeding or diapers and that lasted more than 20 minutes. Also: I had a friend who was the complete opposite of the typical new mom and she found it incredibly offensive that I tried to clean her house or that I even offered to assist with anything she actually told me to “get the f@#k out of my kitchen” because she took it as an insult that I was implying she was incompetent….So I guess my main message would be to ASK the new mom what she wants/needs/likes from her friends.

xciwmff1 3 years ago

NEVER having kids. This makes it sound horrible.

ekoehn 3 years ago

I love this! Preggers with #2 right now and honestly, this time around I will have no problems saying “ok, you need to leave now, I have to (xyz, whatever). My freaking MIL (who should KNOW better!) came over the night we brought son #1 home. I was sore and exhausted. She brought nothing, even though she came at dinner time. Instead, she and BIL (who had a COLD!!!!!) ate the lasagna that our sweet pastor’s wife made, watched my hubby run to the store for pain medication and sat on her butt while I struggled to get comfortable. Finally at 9pm, I took the baby in my room to nurse and stayed in there until they left at 10:30. She told hubby she thought I was mad at her….HELL YES! Who does that? I’m not saying everyone who visits has to bring something for the new baby….at the VERY least, offer to help with chores in some way, or STAY THE F*** HOME IF YOU’RE SICK!!

Heather 3 years ago

Great addition! My MIL actually brought me a wilted plant of hers to nurse back to health THE DAY AFTER I GAVE BIRTH!! She also brought some flowers and said, “I brought some flowers…they’re roses. I know you don’t like roses…just look past them.”

Dawn Holmstrom 3 years ago

OMG, this blog made me cry! Especially the ‘Be that friend’ part! OH, how I wish I’d had a list like this when my kids were newborns! I do have to say that this one friend of mine was AMAZING – she brought me the most delectable butter croissants when my youngest was first born – she visited weekly, always bringing those croissants with her! My youngest is nearly four years old now, and I’ve never forgotten those croissants, or how good a friend she really was to me!! She also went with me to the doctor when I needed to get my Mirena – she held my hand and looked after the baby when he fussed.

Ann 3 years ago

As a soon to be mother of 4, what I really want is someone to entertain my older children. Those poor kids have been put on the back burner and dying for attention. All I want is for someone to take them to the park, to McDonalds, anything, so that I could have a moment of peace with the new little wonder.

Shana 3 years ago

One time, an Aunt and an Uncle came in from out of town when my TWINS were 2 months old. My little boy had just turned 3. They live in BEVERLY HILLS. My husband and I went out and picked up burgers for them. We paid. They did bring presents from the dollar bin at Target. Chutzpah.

sarah 3 years ago

my inlaws always get the new baby crap from the dollar store. really you spent 3 bucks on baby shampoo my child is allergic to, and a blanket that is more fit for a dog than a baby.

sarah 3 years ago

with my first child the people i worked with gave me baby clothes and little fun things that were practical. my second baby, new set of people i worked with. i was quitting cause i had 2 under 2. they gave me a plant. guess which people i liked working with better

Exhaustomom 3 years ago

I completely agree! The majority of these visits are obligatory annoying and guilt ridden just stay away until I call you!

Exhaustomom 3 years ago

I disagree with most of this. Don’t come in unless your my mom,and don’t bring anything unless it’s pre-cooked food, leave it outside the door with note and go away….

nerdygirl 3 years ago

A couple of weeks after I had my daughter, I had two mommy friends come visit me. They both have kids. They offered to bring me food/lunch and I was ECSTATIC. They showed up, with a stouffer’s frozen lasagna (for reals), and then expected ME to cook it. I told her them to stuff it in the freezer. And…that’s exactly what they did. Seriously, they couldn’t even TURN ON THE OVEN THEMSELVES? I kicked them out 30 minutes later.

Arnebya 3 years ago

By baby #3 I didn’t want anybody over. NOBODY. No friends, no family, just please leave me the hell alone until I tell you I want company. With the first, mounds upon mounds of people showed up to the hospital. I didn’t know any better to use my voice and ask them to leave. With the second, I was a little more vocal but still had them show up to the hospital and the house. By #3, my resounding hell no was enough. So, even bearing gifts and food and willing to let me nap, scrub my floors, I just wanted peace and quiet and just my kids and husband. Just us. (And people thought this to be extremely rude and selfish.)

Kay 3 years ago

When I was a new mom, I’d have been happy with ANY food. And I did like the companionship, because it made me feel more human and normal and like my life wasn’t completely upside-down. I think the takeaway is: be helpful without being asked (do the dishes—yes please!), don’t say “yes” if New Mom asks if you want a coffee (you get it yourself, and make her something too), and, if you can, send New Mom to have a baby-less rest or bath while you take over.

Mary 3 years ago

Even it’s something as simple as a fresh box of crayons and a new coloring book. That is my go to gift, especially if there are multiple siblings.

Jules 3 years ago

I can understand, and even forgive, non-parents not ‘getting’ the fact that a new mom really isn’t in the mood to play Martha Stewart when she’s sleep-deprived, sore-nippled, hungry, and unshowered, but there’s NO excuse for moms who’ve been there to be guilty of being what amounts to an utter pain in the tuchas to a new mom. My former mother-in-law was a case in point. She’d had six kids – SIX – yet, when I had my first child, she would show up unexpectedly, stay for hours on end, and hold my son while I was expected to wait on her and listen to her bitch and moan about her problems at work. She never so much as offered to cook, clean, or do/bring anything helpful or useful. One time, she showed up when I was nursing the baby – my then-husband had gone to the store – and stood outside the front door for a half-hour until he got back, calling to me to let her in. She. Just. Wouldn’t. Leave. ARGH!!!!!!

Nilzed 3 years ago

Next time, take auntie in the other room and read her the riot act. Tell her its her one chance to apologize and drop the story from her repertoire or in future you will follow up with the story if those awful, thoughtless relatives who showed up unexpectedly and expected people in your situation to treat them like you had nothing getter to do than entertain and please them.

Ok, I know you won’t say it. Neither would I. But I might well cry on the shoulder of the next most gossipy relative. Cause my family is all passive aggressive like that.

Amanda 3 years ago

For some reason, this made me ache for a new baby! My twins are 8 years old and I want a tiny baby….but only for about an hour or so.

Beth 3 years ago

This is list is both bitchy and spot on. I waffle between them because not a single friend came to visit after I had my son. Being the first to get married and get pregnant alienated me from most friends for some reason (married ladies still drink, and pregnant ones still like to go out!). My mom stayed with me and even though she kept saying she didn’t know what she was doing here since we were doing so well on our own, I know that she did more than either of us realized. Like when she went to the pharmacy to get my nipple cream after I came down stairs in tears on day three of being home.

Jennifer Haywood 3 years ago

One of my best friends just had a baby and I’m not visiting for a couple of weeks to let things settle down…add to the list “send in the mail a package for the mama” I sent her some new comfy sweats, hoodie and t-shirts that are just her thing, right for nursing, and will hopefully make her feel a little more human since her clothes are probably too tight still…she texted me that I get the “best friend award” for knowing exactly what she needed!

Lizzy 3 years ago

Jane, she writes that you can bring food you’ve cooked, as long as it tastes good.

When I had my baby, two friends really stood out as amazing. The one couple who stayed at our place when labor turned into a much longer ordeal than we expected so they could take care of our dog. They also went out and got staples for our fridge because we didn’t have any bread, eggs, milk, etc.

The other couple knew when we were coming home and left a casserole on our front stoop for dinner that night. It was amazing.

On the flip side, moms, don’t be afraid to ask for help! I told anyone who wanted to come that they were welcome as long as they brought food. I really didn’t care if it was takeaway or a homemade meal or even a gift card to Let’s Dish!. It had to be something.

One last rule for visiting a new mom: DON’T overstay your visit! Unless mom is showering/taking a bath/taking a nap, be in and out in 30 minutes. It’s exhausting. Go away.

BonnyBard 3 years ago

Ah, the road to hell is paved in childless people’s good intentions, right? After two kids I agree with every single thing you wrote as well as many of the additions in the comments. What amazes me is how quickly people forget what it’s like with a new baby! (like my MIL, who would come over and “help” and whom I had to feed three times a day cause she can’t seem to manage even boiled eggs.) So, now I do whatever I can for new mom friends… as a way to pay it forward, I guess, and to pay for the mistakes of the past!!

Sarah 3 years ago

I’ve thought about this a lot because I was SO that friend!! Go over, empty-handed, just to hold and smell the baby and chit chat with the new mom. No more!! We’re on baby #3 (39.5 weeks…) and I just hope everyone with good intentions reads this post! :) :)

Crystal 3 years ago

I do remember trying to be a polite and attentive hostess while they held the baby and put him right to sleep after I spent the day trying my hardest to keep him awake, hoping we’d all get a little sleep that night. At the same time, willing my “guests” over and over in my head “please go home, please go home, PLEASE GO HOME…”

Leila 3 years ago

Love this article. When I had my son, the only person in the first few months of his life that took my son and told me to go take a nap was my BIL. A single man that i thought had NO xp with a child. He held him for two hours while i passed out on my bed. forever grateful.

Sarah 3 years ago

Whenever there was a new baby to hold with my friends, I brought care packages: frozen containers of my husband’s famous red sauce placed in the freezer, beer for Dad, cookies… Then I stole the baby, and told Mom to take a nap or a shower if the baby had been recently fed. I cleaned the stove once for a friend, and cleaned-up/organized all the older siblings toys in the playroom once for another. I was paying it forward– there was one friend who helped me with errands and laundry after I had a c-section with my second. She was a life saver!

Ruby 3 years ago

After having an emergency c-section just after Christmas, a month before we expected to have the baby, I allowed mother-in-law to stay over. I could really use the help as we still hadn’t cleaned up the family party stuff and my toddler’s cloth diapers were overflowing in the bucket. I hadn’t gotten to finish folding laundry and the dishes from the night before we went to the hospital were getting funky. What did she decide to help with? She wanted to hold the baby and take care of the nighttime feedings “so you can get some rest”. NO!

Mamarific 3 years ago

Oh crap, I was guilty of so many of these before I had kids and KNEW. Thank you for doing public service duty today and educating the masses.

B 3 years ago

I would like to add DO NOT bring your small children with you to visit! That is not nice or helpful. No matter how cute your kids are or how much we love them, they are loud and messy and one more headache to endure.

Audrey 3 years ago

Be the friend who calls while Mom is in the hospital to see if she can take care of anything at home (put out the dog, bring Dad clean clothes, get the house ready) If you run off in labor from a disaster zone, nothing beats bringing baby home to fresh sheets and a clean kitchen.

Lisa 3 years ago

Another to add: Don’t forget big brother/sister gifts. Already hormonal, it would break my heart to see my little though now big brothers look so sad when someone would bring something for the new baby, but not something to celebrate their new role, especially when we had been making such a big deal out of it so they would love having a new sibling vs. seeing him as a rival.

Sili 3 years ago

So awesome! I’m sharing with my pregnoid friends now!

oxoxox

Elizabeth 3 years ago

We live in a beach town, and after the birth of our first son, our family who came from out-of-town had good intentions, but we quickly realized that they also had vacation plans and kids of their own to entertain! I learned my lesson. Now, after baby #2, I speak up and make clear what help I need (and when they are welcome to come over). Otherwise, they will just hold the baby and then hit the beach!

bea. 3 years ago

So true! Now I’ve been on both sides of this…and when I had our twins and people would sit in my living room and “hold the babies” and ask me for tea or coffee all I wanted to do was lie on the floor and sleep. But I was too polite, and sat and made painful conversation even though I’d never been so sleep deprived and hurting in my life.

Laura 3 years ago

There was a huge snow storm right after I brought my son home from the hospital, my husband’s aunt and uncle visited us as soon as the roads were cleared. We had been snowed in and were slightly overwhelmed, our cupboards were completely bare and we had no refreshments to offer them, I still hear about our terrible hospitality on that day, my son is now 3.

Victoria KP 3 years ago

I can add another one. Do NOT under any circumstance bring a live plant to a new mother. A relative brought me something else that needed to be taken care of when I had a newborn infant. REALLY?!?!