12 Things I Vow To Accept About Myself

We all have things we don’t like about ourselves. My list is huge; it’s much larger than the things I do like about myself. But really, isn’t it time to just accept our flaws? I mean, we can’t all be as funny as Amy Poehler, have an ass like Beyonce, and bounce back after having a baby like Princess Kate. I gave up on being anything like Mother Theresa when I was 30. I don’t even volunteer for the PTA! Shame on me. Only no, not shame on me. I vow to accept my less-than-perfect self. Screw perfection. There are things I have tried to change about myself, but accepting my flaws has made life way more fun.

1. I have weaknesses.

I don’t try to fight them anymore because I like to win and I was losing every time. I tried to give up my vices. Caffeine, wine, and shoes — they own me. I am their bitch. They can have me anytime. I won’t say no. I know the amount of caffeine I consume is not healthy. I don’t care. I have been known to be riddled with guilt after mixing wine with online shoe shopping, but it doesn’t stop me from doing it again. Self-acceptance is the best way to cope here.

2. I can be inappropriate.

I can’t snuff out this side of me. I don’t have much of a filter. Some people enjoy me, but I am certainly not for everybody. I could try to adjust my personality accordingly (and I have) but accepting that I am crass, use all the bad words, and like to talk about my lady bits is just easier and way more fun.

3. I am a homebody.

Actually, it is just a whole lotta work to get these kids and my husband out the damn door. Let’s just stay home. If anyone mentions traveling during the holidays, I break out in hives. I just need to be home in my own bed, with my own stuff and smells that I recognize. I know it makes me a fun-sponge but it I won’t give in when it comes to staying in my own house during the holidays. If you want to come stay with me, that is fine, but you aren’t getting in without alcohol.

4. I have to have things just so.

By that, I mean I like to have things my way. I am not good at negotiations or compromises. This part of me has gotten stronger since having kids. Probably because there are three of them to negotiate and compromise with. Mom always wins.

5. I don’t like to play with my kids.

I love being with them, and I am really good at showing them how to do stuff like bake and make friendship bracelets. I love snuggling with them, taking them to the movies, out for donuts, and to the park, but playing with them? I just can’t. I have tried so many times to be a fierce dinosaur or play dollies with my daughter, only to have my eyes cross as I start to daydream about being knocked over the head with a baseball bat.

6. I like to be the boss.

I mean, that is a huge reason why I became a parent. I like to be domineering. It is fun to order people around. They don’t always listen, which leads me to my next item that I am working on accepting…

7. I am not the most patient bitch you will ever meet.

I am kind, but not patient. Those two things totally work together. I have tried, like really tried, to be more patient, especially after having kids, but nope. It is just not in me. I blame genetics.

8. I spend too much money on eating out.

Really, I just want other people to wait on me for a change. I have a favorite restaurant (okay, a few) where I sit down and they automatically know what kind of wine I want, how I want my steak, and give me extra fries. I am a good tipper because I get really freaking happy and throw money around when I don’t have to listen to how horrid my cooking is and clean up after unappreciative little humans.

9. I can’t stay away from Target.

I am sure there is a 12-step program for this, but I don’t need the number. Target seduces me every time and I like it. Where else can you buy wine, yoga pants, and every color of nail polish while eating a cake pop? I would be crazy if I did stay away.

10. I am an over-thinker.

If I care about something or am really excited, I can think myself into an early death over it. However, there is no middle ground for me. Either I care so much I cause my head to explode because I am so consumed, or I give no fucks and can easily walk away. Some call it obsessive compulsive, but I call it “this is the way I am and I really can’t help it.”

11. It’s hard for me to be polite if I don’t like you.

I know I am a grown-up. I know I am supposed to set an example for my kids, but this is a huge struggle for me. I can not be fake-nice to you if you make me want to throw up in my mouth. I won’t wave to you in the street, I won’t accept your fake, “G, like, let’s get together! I want to know what wrinkle cream you are wearing. Looks like it just started working.” I can’t just give my niceness to those who are not worthy.

12. I get really ambitious then I lose steam.

I am going to do so much today! I am going to go get all the supplies and tackle that home improvement project once and for all!

Only I don’t because by the time I have blown my head off obsessing over it, done all the prep, and gotten all the supplies while dragging my three kids through every store in the kingdom, all of my steam is gone. I am spent. I will, however, pour myself a glass of wine and think about how lazy and unmotivated I am and how I should just get up and do it already because I suck.

I would like to tell you that I started to accept my flaws after some deep soul-searching, or through hours of meditation and yoga, but it would be a huge lie. I did not have an epiphany, an Aha! moment while watching Oprah, and I did not see a bumper sticker that changed my life and entire thought process. Truth be told, I have tried to change all the things I don’t like about myself, but it is just too much. And I am fucking tired. Self-acceptance is so much easier, so I am going to just stick with that. I hope you join me.