Snake Massages Are A Thing And We Have So Many Questions

Who doesn’t love a good rubdown? It’s the perfect way to show yourself some relaxing self-love and take a load off as you inhale calming scents and have the knots in your body unwound. Many of us don’t get the chance to indulge in this luxurious service enough, which is why when we do, we feel like a pad of butter sliding down a stack of warm pancakes.

I’ve had some massages in my lifetime and am not too proud to admit I love them so much I pay my kids to rub my feet to keep me satiated between the few professional massages I do get. They are happy about the money they get to spend, and it really does help calm my nerves even if it’s just a five-minute long session.

I’m sure you are with me here. I have yet to run into too many people throughout my years who would refuse a calming treatment whether it’s performed by an expert at a spa or their partner.

But I was thrown off the rails the other day when I heard people are paying actual dollars (80 of them to be exact) to have giant snakes crawl all over their back and face at a spa.

Apparently the experience can be very “soothing” and “stress relieving,” but I am wondering how many cocktails I’d have to pour down my throat in order for me to feel like having slithering reptiles slide all over my body parts is the right thing to do.

Actually, this sounds like a punishment for doing bad things and would only perpetuate my already overstressed state.

The snakes used for this are non-venomous varieties, such as the California and Florida king snake, corn snake, and milk snake. However, if that’s not enough to put you in a zen-like state, some locations allow the belly of a python snake to slide up and down your spine. But don’t worry! Their mouth is taped shut for your safety.

You can have these cold-blooded serpents that can swallow a rat or whole egg slide in between your toes, on your back, neck, and shoulder area, or even your face, because who doesn’t want a pointy tongue going in and out of their nostril region?

If you’ve ever wanted to live out your worst nightmare, I can’t suggest this enough. I don’t know about you, but I’m almost 44 and I still think there is going to be a snake waiting to jump out and lick my butthole when I wake up in the middle of the night to pee, so I have to check the toilet water first to make sure there isn’t a serpent waiting to devour one of my ass cheeks. So I’m having a hard time understanding the draw here.

But let me try and see the other side of this fuckery: Supposedly the weight of a snake gives you a kneading sensation which can bring much pleasure. Can you see the benefits now?

Nope, me neither.

I’m still not enticed in any way, shape, or form. I’d rather have someone take the paddle of a bread machine and give me a nice kneading that way. Perhaps a handheld mixer could work out my kinks? Give me an electrical appliance that can’t start hissing near my nether regions, my ears, and along my neck any day of the week.

And what about my openings? Snakes like hot areas and are famous for spreading out on rocks to soak it all in the warmth. I simply cannot risk having a snake nestle between my rocks and settle in hoping to warm up.

You cannot honestly say you are expected to spread out on a table and let a reptile have its way with you, recommending it as a great way to unwind unless you are showing off like you’ve never shown off before. You just cannot.

Maybe this is a contest to see who can think up the most ridiculous way to relax, and if it is, I’d like to present the trophy to this fuckery. Because I’ll take some nice lavender oil slathered on my shoulders while Kenny G. plays softly in the background over this nonsense any day. Even if Jason Momoa showed up at my door with millions of dollars claiming to be my love-servant every day of the week for the rest of my life, I wouldn’t pick the snake massage for one moment.

Okay, well maybe I could handle it if that was the payoff, but we all know that’s not going to happen. Really, I just think this whole thing sounds like a form of torture. And after pondering all of the questions this idea has spurred, I’ve got a serious tension headache. Nothing a little massage won’t cure. Just hold the snakes, please.