We respectfully but strongly demand a public recount without interference from Kensington Palace
There are times in life when one must take a stand. Sometimes you have to twin with your dog. Sometimes you have to put the Elf on a Shelf in quarantine. And sometimes — as in right now, in 2021 — we have to challenge the decidedly wrong statement that Prince William (yes, that Prince William) is the “world’s sexiest bald man.”
As part of the new Google study, researchers cross-searched how many times Prince William had been described as “sexy” in blogs and articles. The result, according to the study, was that Prince William had been called sexy 17.6 million times. In comparison, Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson is described as sexy only 2.6 million times.
We would also like a forensic accounting of all the computers in the royal household. Immediately.
Because, clearly, The Independent forgot that the following men exist in the same universe as the Duke of Cambridge (otherwise there would be a huuuuuge disclaimer at the bottom of the study):
Vin Diesel Taye Diggs Jason Statham J.K. Simmons Pitbull Common Ben Kingsley Patrick Stewart
And Stanley Tucci.
Not today, say Tucci’s fans.
Not on Blue Ivy’s internet. In no circumstance is Prince William sexier than Stanley freaking Tucci.
“Stanley Tucci I will avenge you,” one fan wrote.
“C’mon, people. I’m a straight guy, and even I was like, NOT WHILE STANLEY TUCCI IS ALIVE,” another fan posted.
Tucci has been wowing viewers for years, most recently for his show on CNN, Stanley Tucci: Searching For Italy.
“Italy is beautiful. The food of Italy is beautiful. Not insignificantly, Stanley Tucci is beautiful, too…He gazes at wheels of cheese and swirls of pasta as if the food must be seduced before it will consent to be devoured. @hels gets it,” wrote a fan, quoting a review of Tucci’s new show.
Some people think Prince William’s crisis PR team isn’t doing the heir to the throne any favors.
“I don’t wanna be overly critical or anything, but the PR folks hired by Buckingham Palace to do cleanup appear to have no idea what the fuck they’re doing,” an eagle-eyed Twitterer wrote.
“The PR the Palace thought they were getting, vs the PR they actually got with that ‘Prince William is the Sexiest Bald Man’ push. Lord….,” one Twitter user posted.
All the tweets in defense of Tucci are pure perfection.
“Look, I’m not going to retweet the stupid Prince William/sexy/bald men survey but I’d like to introduce the voters to Stanley Tucci, Mike Coulter, the entire cast of Fast & Furious, Patrick Stewart and Mark freakin’ Strong. No weak chinned royal is cracking the top 100,” wrote another.
“This shark is also a sexier bald person than Prince William,” one person shot back in reaction to the news.
One Twitter user found news that Prince William is the world’s sexiest bald man laughable.
After posting a video comparing the physicality of the two princes, one Twitter user was convinced Prince William desperately wanted to come across as the better of the two.
“Whoever the Hell cooked the numbers for that Sexiest Bald Man poll — and got Prince William — needs to be tarred and feathered. PW is about as sexy as a wet mushroom. THESE four are SEXY. There are more. I ran out of space,” another post reads. “Yeah, might be considered sexist. FIGHT me.”
“My mother in law just said ‘Stanley Tucci’s shirts are always the perfect length’ and that’s the most mother in law thing you’ll hear this year,” a Twitter user wrote of her mother-in-law.
In a world where people disagree on everything, it’s nice to know that we can agree on one thing: the near-perfection of Stanley Tucci.
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