There are few things that are as stressful and exciting to a first time expectant mom than the baby registry. We spend hours shopping and planning ahead for that mystery child of ours, completely clueless about what the hell we’ll actually need. A wipe warmer? Sophie the giraffe? Snort. Here’s what I I really needed once I had a baby…
1. A full-time nanny. Preferably one who is a wet nurse and does sleep-training.
2. Five huge packs of overnight maxi pads. I was NOT prepared for all that post-birth bleeding. Nor were my underpants.
3. A wine sippy cup. And a subscription to a Wine of the Month Club. Do they make Wine of the Day Clubs?
4. New boobs. Oh, and while I’m under the knife, go ahead and do one of those vaginal rejuvenation things, too.
5. A case of Children’s Benadryl a.k.a. The Only Thing That Will Help My Sick Child Sleep.
6. A waterproof mattress pad. For MY bed. Leaky nipples and new mattresses do not go well together.
7. A white noise machine. Not sure why these are marketed as products for babies…it’s the moms who need these to drown out the all the crying.
8. Breastmilk alcohol test strips. See #3.
9. A gift card to Ann Taylor. Somehow I don’t think my Forever 21 wardrobe is gonna cut it anymore.
10. Marriage counseling sessions, because (surprise!) parenting brings on a entirely new set of things for you and your spouse to argue about.
This article was originally published on