The Inner Monologue During Meditation

by Sarah Miller
Originally Published: 

What is wrong with you that all you ever daydream about is situations where you do something wrong or fail to keep a commitment and it’s somehow not your fault? Don’t be so hard on yourself. Everyone does that.

No, they actually don’t. And that’s the only other thing you ever think about. How everyone else is just as bad a person as you are but only you have the courage to admit it. But other people are not as bad as you are. You’re actually worse. Which is why you have to get up and go meditate for 2.5 hours.

Oh my God you do not have to go. No one is keeping score. You hate more than anything else that new age/meditating people have this Judeo-Christian bullshit in their heads that they can somehow atone for their sins by meditating but act like they have some sort of higher, more complicated calling, but won’t admit it. You are no better.

Stop being so hard on yourself.

But if you’re not hard on yourself you will just keep being an ass forever and ever.

Good point.

You are not wearing a bra. Is not wearing a bra a nice way to honor the sacred darkness of the Universe?

Ugh. This is a terrible parking job. Is that person pulling in next to you laughing at it? Oh it’s that dude. He doesn’t care.

Oh no. They’re doing exercises before this. Why do these super hardcore chicks have to run this shit. They need some lazy person like you doing this.

Just take a long time getting your blankets and mat set up and then you can skip this. Ok, rolling your neck in circles isn’t that hard. You can do that.

Oh everyone has their eyes closed. You can stop now.

Ek Ong Kar. Sat Nam. Siri. Wahe Guru.

How many minutes have passed? How many seconds does it takes to do one repetition of the mantra? Maybe figure that out, then you can count and then it would be less boring. Do this for about half an hour and then you can lie down.

Oh two people are lying down already. You can lie down too! Oh wait a minute they are children. You can’t be the only one lying down other than children.

A half hour or so has passed. You can lie down now for maybe 40 minutes and then get up for say the last half. No. You can’t.

You can get away with that. You can.

Wow you were asleep for a long time. You can go to the bathroom now. Whoa. It’s 6:45! We are going to be done soon. You could feasibly go to the bathroom go back in there say Ek Ong Kar. Sat Nam. Siri. Wahe Guru like seven times and then be home asleep in like five minutes. That’s amazing.

Look at the clock really hard because you’re probably really tired. No it’s definitely like 6:45. My God this is awesome. You weren’t awake for a lot of the meditation but it wasn’t really your fault so whatever. Wow, you didn’t just chastise yourself for being lazy. Is that some kind of weird progress? Did the meditation help you already?

Okay like at least 15 minutes have passed. What is up with these bitches? Are they going to keep you here for the rest of your life? Can you lie down again. Say “Ek Ong Kar. Sat Nam. Siri. Wahe Guru” ten more times and then you’ll be done. You have to be. You saw the clock with your own eyes. You’re probably just totally misjudging time because it’s moving so slowly.

Someone is just arriving here. Oh my god it’s Brandy. She told you she was going to come but not until 6:15 or so. It’s 6:15? No. It’s not. Brandy just fucked up and got here late. It is not six fifteen. Don’t go look at the clock. Don’t.

Oh my God it is 6:15.

Go chant some more. You can do it. OK. Yes. Good job.

Another adult finally laid down. Oh shit. She’s pregnant. Of course. Those bitches get away with everything. You have to just keep sitting up. You have to. OK. You can just lie down for one more second. But then you have to sit up and chant again. Just keep chanting. It’s not that bad. Keep going.

Just lie down for five minutes. Then you can get up.

Did she just say “last one”? Sit up really fast. Maybe no will notice you were lying down the whole time.

“Ek Ong Kar. Sat Nam. Siri. Wahe Guru.” You did it.

You didn’t do shit. You were asleep the whole time.

Leave me alone. At least you showed up.

Is that enough? Showing up?

It’s going to have to be. Because that’s like all you ever do.

Fair enough.

This article was originally published on