15 Things Veteran Moms Really Want to Say

new-moms

Becoming a mother is like walking into a high school cafeteria. The cool moms, women who manage to get dressed and brush their teeth on a daily basis, sit at their own table. The moms who breast feed sit together, while the formula moms sit elsewhere. The sleep trainers swap stories at their table. The co-sleepers eat their lunches alone, so they can finally stretch out. The attachment parents wear their babies at the corner table. And everyone waits for a new mom to drop her lunch tray, so they can gasp and point fingers and roll their eyes at her missteps.

Well, this is the picture perpetuated by the Mommy War mentality, an archaic notion that reduces grown women to catty school girls. This analogy falls flat for too many reasons to count. We’re all moms, so we haven’t been served a meal in years, and we don’t know when we’ve eaten food that’s still warm. And given an opportunity to complete a sentence, most of us wouldn’t waste it on passing judgement especially on new moms.

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The us vs. them mind set is the exception not the rule. When an “experienced” mom sees a “newbie,” the look in her eye as fruit loops cascade from the open van door is not judgement; it’s nostalgia and camaraderie. We’ve been there, and if a child didn’t need our attention “now, Mommy! Please, Mommy, please! Mooooooooomeeeee!” we’d say…

1. It’s totally normal that the car you used to get detailed religiously looks like the place Goldfish crackers go to die. Just yesterday we found the remains of a hot dog beneath our seats.

2. We’re truly impressed you prepare healthful, organic meals everyday from scratch, but don’t beat yourself up if when you lay in bed reviewing what your child actually ate, you discover his calories came from pickles and Nerds. It happens.

3. We agree that the hands-down best high (no matter what you did in college) is the one you get from your baby laying heavy in a heap on your chest. Thank you, oxytocin. And no judgment here if you forgo a night out to cash in on the opportunity to cuddle up.

4. Don’t worry if you consider purchasing a taxi cab because you heard the plastic partitions can be made in soundproof material. We already looked into that.

5. There is nothing wrong with you at all if while cleaning the nursery in a few months, you tear up throwing away the nasal aspirators because your big girl can blow her nose all by herself. These milestones come out of nowhere.

6. Don’t you dare think less of yourself if you do the sniff test to your clothes before you consider washing them. A little spit up on the shoulder? If you can scratch it off, it’s perfect for running errands. We applaud you for “Going Green”!

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7. We get it if when you decide to return to the gym, you do it under the guise of getting your body back but know deep down it’s for the childcare room. We’ve seen them sanitize the baby swing. No harm. No foul.

8. We applaud your homemade cleaning products. Vinegar is magical! We didn’t notice at all that you turned to Clorox and Lysol when your little one got his first stomach virus. We thought “projectile” was hyperbole, too.

9. Don’t question your strength just because you can’t take the lollipop your precious little one has been licking for 45 minutes. There is nothing stronger than a baby holding candy. Nothing.

10. No judgement here if you consider asking your husband to celebrate your birthday or his birthday or next Tuesday with a vasectomy.

11. Please don’t underestimate your parenting prowess when your little one embraces Time Out as an opportunity to play quietly and use his imagination instead of reflecting on his bad behavior. Enjoy the minute of silence.

12. We still think you’re fashion forward after you spent the entire day with Cheerios tucked into the folds of your scarf and a chocolate kiss mark on your cheek.

13. We admire any answer you can muster (as long as it doesn’t include details about grooming shapes and vajazzling) when your cherub asks about pubic hair while you’re both squeezed into a public restroom stall.

14. It’s not lying to tell your babe that Caillou went on vacation with his Mommy and Daddy and won’t be back for a long time. We call it self preservation.

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15. You’re still wearing a nursing bra but haven’t breastfed in months? There’s no statute of limitations on those things. We can’t blame you for avoiding a bra fitting. One change at a time.

We could go on and on because motherhood is the great equalizer, and we’re all just doing the best we can. Instead of passing judgement, we’re looking for strength in numbers. However, if you happen to come in contact with Judgey McJudginstuff herself, we fully support you thanking her for her insight while patting her shoulder with a hand that may or may not have poop under the fingernails.

Welcome to the club.

Related post: 10 Rules of The Mom Club

About the writer

Emily was a career woman, "Mommy!" in the pedagogical conversation, "Mom!" hand on the pulse of culture and art. "MOOOOM!" Now she knows what's really important. "Wipe me!" Emily finishes her conversations at girlalwaysinterrupted.com and on FB at Girl, Always Interrupted.

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KIKI 3 months ago

I can not say it enough. I know you are not going to listen anyway but i will say it again. Tenderness, babies can feel when you really care. Talk to your babies they can hear you. I started talking to mine in the womb. I will stop there for today. By the way i can’t believe you haven’t shopped here yet konzar.com

Chelsie 3 months ago

That song is THE worst!! I’m 26 years old, my son is 3 – and has NEVER watched Barney. I however, was a HUGE fan when I was young, and I STILL sing it to myself when i brush my teeth!! lol!

Greenie 5 months ago

hey!This is a judgment-free zone, remember?
Besides- y-o-u-r = your
y-o-u-‘-r-e= you are.

Seriously… safe space for all mommies, k?

Kari 5 months ago

Something’s never change. This veteran mom of a 22 yo and a 26 year old has ALL the items burned into my memory. And trust me when I say. This is all just getting you ready for the teen age years. And the one family member that still misses the French fries in the car. Our 13 yo Cairn Terrier. To this day. EVERY time she gets into car she searches every inch of the car for one stray French fry. Special note. The mini van has been gone for about 8 years. But she’s eternally hopeful.

Marysbaby83 5 months ago

The comment about formula feeding moms in the opening of the article was slightly disrespectful and unnecessary. More than one of my friends had no choice but to formula feed for one reason or another. In a piece about camaraderie it’s unfortunate some moms had to be slapped by guilt in the first paragraph. Also, Caillou should be illegal.

Ellen 5 months ago

Every child is different, every parent is different, and every child/parent relationship (and bedtime pattern) is unique, even with individual children within the same household. Find what works for you and your child and don’t worry if it doesn’t follow anyone’s advice. Yes, I went through a period with each of my kids when they INSISTED I lay in bed with them until sleep came. I came to cherish that quiet time with them, and now, as teenagers, they’re capable of going to bed by themselves, but they still prefer to be “tucked in,” and those couple minutes my husband and/or I get with them at the end of a hectic day are still precious.

Jennifer 5 months ago

I may or may not have worn nursing bras the eight months between pregnancies and I only breastfed for a month. Lol

Azu 5 months ago

#3 is really weird. There’s no possible way anyone can get a “high” from having a baby on your chest. That’s just weird

heidi 5 months ago

You forgot one. Letting your toddler dress themselves is good for their indepence. No they don’t have to match, and no it doesn’t reflect negatively on you.

Nicole 5 months ago

I love the one about caillou! I’m going to try it with the one coming but if my first born would only believe it, thatd be great! Ugh I so can’t stand that whiney little best (meaning caillou)

Amy 5 months ago

I loved this list, but #3 is my favorite! Yes my sweet girl fell asleep on me for the first year of her life and wouldn’t let me move her for the first 4 months. It was worth the pain and stiff neck and I don’t regret it one bit. I tried to make it last longer, but she wants her own space now… So when people said I’ll have trouble getting her to sleep later, I say oh well. I’ll never get this time back!

Amy 5 months ago

We just got new bedroom furniture and when the old bed was moved, the entire side of my nightstand was splattered with dried spit up! Thank you reflux… And the baby is 18 months now, so it’s been there a while.

KT 5 months ago

I wish more experienced moms were teaching how to breastfeed and not that formula is ok. Remember that this is an ad from a company that wants to sell you a product. Please find your local LLL support group.

Catherine 5 months ago

My biggest problem was when moms assumed things, when pregnant it annoyed me to no end to repeatedly hear “enjoy your sleep now” and “oh just wait that little spill will be nothing to you when baby comes” I couldn’t stand to have mothers think I was a moron who could never comprehend parenthood, once I had the baby it got worse, parents telling me how to raise my kid, what diapers to use, my sister has7 children and I’ve helped with them all, so while I did have an advantage other first time moms might not have, I’m sure it’s just as annoying to hear for them as it was me. This blog made me smile and I’m thankful for that.

Jo 5 months ago

I’ve always had excellent sleepers. They all slept alone by 6 months or earlier through the night. Now they don’t need rocked to sleep and I cherish all those nights I got to rock and cuddle and sing to my babies. They’re only little for a very short time. Soak up every minute of it!

Brittney Ann Marie Lozon 5 months ago

“You go ahead and make that step by step birth plan!” Lmao my fav.

Jeni Waller 5 months ago

I have twins as well (girls 18 months), my god what’s it like having 2 year old twins and a 1 year old? Hats off to you x xx

Loan Pham Lynch 5 months ago

I’m pregnant with my 3rd and a woman who is pregnant with her first was giving me advice to combat morning sickness. Um really?

Julie Kasik 5 months ago

… And realistically if this child had an ailment that would make him prone to more serious Injuries from a little bump, his parents probably wouldn’t have been bringing him to open gym at Gymboree where it is a structure less free for session for kids 0-5… Lol but that’s not the point

Julie Kasik 5 months ago

“See that’s why we have to watch so closely what blank does every step” while giving me dirty looks definitely wasn’t taken out of context lol. And neither was feeling the need to stare at me the entire time like I wasnt watching my kid or something

Sara Hansen Cummings 5 months ago

Maybe their baby had some disability that makes her more prone to serious injuries from little bumps. Maybe the dad really isn’t careful enough at home and the mom was just trying to make a point. Maybe they were just being judgmental. My point is that parents often take things other parents do and say out of context.

Ricki Snow 5 months ago

I love these, they remind me of my times with my kids an even though it’s been a lot of years I remember and agree with them!! Thank you for sharing!!

Nicole Williams 5 months ago

Cute

Meaghan Oldershaw 5 months ago

The people responsible for writing, producing and broadcasting Calliou need their heads examined. I haven’t met anyone who doesn’t hate that little jerk.

Michelle Holt Finch 5 months ago

Honestly the only thing I ever want to say is it’s not that bad enjoy it all because TEENAGERS are waaaayyyyy worse than any new mom dilemma mentioned in the article!!

Mary Anne Layne 5 months ago

And then you become a Mother to Teenagers…no judgement there either!!

kerri 5 months ago

This just isn’t true. I rocked/nursed my first baby to sleep every night of his first 12 months of life, and then he started falling asleep on his own and slept 12 hrs/night from then on (until he turned 3 and started waking up at odd hours, but that’s another nightmare for another day).

Natalie Harris Dulaney 5 months ago

love this. I am by no means experienced, but I still love this

Katie Tookie-Tookie 5 months ago

Here here!

Taira Zgrablich Hayner 5 months ago

Awesome

Rhiannon Reynolds 5 months ago

#11 lol yep

Loran Michelle Wilburn 5 months ago

Love.

Jen Robinson 5 months ago

Love it!!

Joleen Natoli 5 months ago

Too funny– how much motherhood hasn’t changed!

Richard Smith 5 months ago

Chang the diapers more !

Jessica Sadler 5 months ago

I still have my 5 year olds bag of “donated” paci’s in a bag that I just can’t let go of bc he will always be my baby.

Lokahi Messman 5 months ago

This is great!

Trina Forget 5 months ago

9 and 14 got me giggling :) my twin boys are 2 and my daughter is turning 1 shortly. I pass zero judgement on other parents. We all have it differently and it’s just nice to talk to someone who’s going through the same thing :)

HeatherJosh Bradshaw 5 months ago

#1 and #6 made me giggle! #1 bc I have OCD and it’s so hard having kids ride in your car and mess it up. #6 bc, well, I just did that the other day. A little bit of body spray and voilà!!

Nicole Van Hoose 5 months ago

26. You aren’t the first person to have a baby.
27. Your baby isn’t a snowflake.
Bahahaha

Abigail Bull 5 months ago

#7

Amber Otto 5 months ago

14, I use it often!

Irina Croix 5 months ago

So true!

Jessica Scricco 5 months ago

The best is when people who don’t have kids give advise. Lmao

Janell Tozier Anthony 5 months ago

Love this!

Jessica Kelley 5 months ago

#truths

Amy Reiman 5 months ago

Love this one.

Tammy Fesperman Redmond 5 months ago

OK, then why don’t they pay it forward and let us know? I’m learning a lot of then useful things well after the fact. :^/

Jennifer Hanson 5 months ago

#14 lol

Haylee Phiffer 5 months ago

I may or may not have teared up a little bit reading this…

ChipandStefanie Bates 5 months ago

My oldest is 11 and my youngest is 8. There is STILL a pacifier in my husband’s top drawer.

Christie Fitzgerald Pillado 5 months ago

I laughed out loud at #4.

Danielle Cullum 5 months ago

I couldn’t wait for new moms to give me tips. Why learn it the hard way when the vets have already done so! I think it’s all in presentation. Hey, I had so much trouble doing… Until we realized that clipping her into the high chair and giving her something to play with when we cut her toe nails made it so much easier!

Jamie-Lee Williams 5 months ago

I haven’t been able to get on your website and I don’t know why. It doesn’t load at all for me :(

Lauren Ruffino Etienne 5 months ago

#3 and #8! Sooo me. Love this!

Shelly Tyson 5 months ago

#1 is awesome lol

Lindsey Irvin 5 months ago

As a newbie momma, love this!

Julie Kasik 5 months ago

So true! I took my lo to Gymboree on Friday and she bumped her head on one of my setups and started crying and I heard some mom say to her husband “see that’s why we have to watch so closely what (insert babies name here) does every step” meanwhile this said baby is struggling to do a basic crawl on some mat, later the dad asks me how old my baby was I calmly reply 9 months, and later he comments that his daughter is almost 9 months… And I can see the look of judgement from me allowing her to explore and accidentally bumping her head turned into a look on envy as my child was clearly physically more advanced… It’s crazy how much we allow other parents to get under our skin. I am not a helicopter parent, clearly they were and the choice is on each parent to decide how to raise your children, but in the mean time stop effin judging everyone else!

Sarah McHenry 5 months ago

Lol I feel experienced moms have said some of these to me Erin McHenry Foster

Kelly Koerner 5 months ago

Love it

Sandy 6 months ago

my sin is now 11 my best advice to new mums would be: be amazed it really does go so fast. Try to remember some of it because at 11 they remember heaps mor than you

Anne of Bella Materna 6 months ago

Thank you for this post – entering into Motherhood is unlike anything else! I hope new mothers continue to support each other better each day!
Anne

Judy @ Late Mommy 6 months ago

Love, love, loved this post! Anything that needs to be done to get rid of Caillou is totally okay! Number 13! My daughter totally asked about that, often, in bathroom stalls. Ah, I can still hear that snickers from the other bathroom inhabitants!

Emily 7 months ago

Don’t even ask about the milk cups and bottles in the van. Also, I haven’t stopped wearing my maternity clothes since I was 8 weeks pregnant with my daughter (who’s nearly 3, and I have a 1-year-old son now as well). The pants are actually the right length, dangit!

dee 8 months ago

I love Caillou, too!

Tricia 8 months ago

Love this! We are expecting our third and I laugh at my new mommy self on how much pressure I put on myself. My cousin just had her first and she was in tears every few minutes about doing some thing wrong. Encouragement was what she needed. We (my mom and I ) veteran moms let her know, you can only do what you can, we aren’t perfect and cherish these times. It will pass and it may seem like we vet moms have it all together but its just that we stopped sweating the small stuff and started laughing…

Crystal 8 months ago

Thank you for this article.I’ve come across people whom had / never had children who think they are the pillar of perfection and it DRIVES ME FUCKING CRAZY.Real,loving ,non-robotic parents make mistakes and aren’t from magazines nor dream lands-we’re mothers- not cyborgs.It’s okay to get dirty,miss some things and even add some here and there.It’s a wonderful and teeth grinding job that only the strong can endure.We’re all awesome mothers!!

Kristin Trageser 8 months ago

How about stop acting like you know it all after you have your first and they reach one year old?

lulu bells 8 months ago

I love this post, its all about the survival and not the judgement, survival of the fittest has nothing on motherhood. ;p lol

Katie Smitchko 8 months ago

This was a great post, absolutely loved it. I keep thinking Scary Mommy can’t possibly be more on target and then I read one like this and they hit the nail on the head again.

Taara Datta Donley 8 months ago

What about hiding from your children in the bathroom, laundry room, closet or under the bed? I’ve been known to wolf down two cake pops behind the couch in the basement, because I was by myself for once!!! Or taking two hours to get milk because I had to search for that perfect gallon of milk? Is this “normal” or have I lost it?

Andrea Adam Rogoza 8 months ago

As hard as it is…don’t go hog wild buying all the baby stuff! I regret most of what I bought, cause I never used it….it’s hard to resist….that need to make up the nursery….all that stuff so the room looks like a mag or movie….it’s how they suck Ya in!

Breann 8 months ago

#10 happen on December 19th (my hubby’s birthday).

3 kids before the age of 30… yea, we’re done!

Great list!

Maxine Quinnell 8 months ago

I do love your posts :)

Kim Scofield 8 months ago

What I hate are the new moms who try to tell me what to do with my 3.5 year old based on their extensive reading experience ;-). Come talk to me in 3 years when your adorable sleeping bundle can talk.

Courtney 8 months ago

I really believed that was my novice idea….hahaha….boy was I wrong. Still, seriously, we need one of those invented. Maybe it is the way GMC can raise their stock prices.

Nicole Lynn 8 months ago

Quit trying to have a perfect “schedule”! Not only do kids grow so quickly by the time you have mastered one schedule it will be time to change it, it’s exhausting and not necessary. Routines are one thing and are good, but not at 5:50 every night we will have bath. Then at 6:15 book. Then 6:45 tummy time. omg I know moms like this and it’s almost like they have a melt down if something wasn’t done on the dot of their schedule. Just enjoy the baby!

Christine Schaeffer 8 months ago

And new moms…don’t fret when you realize halfway during the day that you only shaved one leg. The mental exhaustion is ok

Darlene Angersbach Mauro 8 months ago

Trust your instincts Try to worry less and enjoy more Its a journey, you learn as you go along Be kind to yourself

Melanie Hendrickson 8 months ago

I am guilty of judgment sometimes. But then I remember that I go through that stuff too and maybe that mom just needs a kind word and a little encouragement.

Anita Nadeem Malik 8 months ago

Was a good read!

Nikki Sharpe 8 months ago

Caillou is the devil lol. Like your own kid at his most annoying times one hundred, except it’s all the time, never let my kids watch that one haha

Ellen Howard Kuras 8 months ago

It’s gotten to the point that I find the comments more interesting than the articles. Not sure what that means.

Hannelore Cat 8 months ago

Hehehe! That’s awesome. I’m the bad mom who does the sniff test on her kid…not just clothes.

Sara Davis 8 months ago

I just watched an hour of Caillou while my boy who’s (almost) four was at his grandparents. I’ve apparently been brainwashed.

Chloe O’Rourke 8 months ago

Hahaha!!

Nicole Boughton 8 months ago

Yes and it’s awesome! Makes grocery shopping so much easier! The girls working there are CPR/first aid certified. My sister in law used to work there. Most of them are in Early Childhood Education in school.

Tania Carfa 8 months ago

Haha love this

Janel Hutton 8 months ago

Your grocery store has a nursery!!?? I envy you!

Tania Carfa 8 months ago

That kid is annoying and I think the dad is a bit
Condescending lol

Patty Leming 8 months ago

Oh man I love this! The “mommy wars” are overrated and played out. Time to start patting each other on the back and reassuring ourselves that we’re doing just fine. At the end of the day if they go to bed with fully bellys, feel safe, and are overall happy, that’s all that matters. Carry on, mamas!!

Nicole Boughton 8 months ago

I’ve given myself “time outs” in the bathroom. Sometimes I just need 5 minutes to collect my sanity!

Patty Leming 8 months ago

I used trips to Target and the bathroom for alone time. When my daughter, now 4, was 2 she told my mom that her mama “goes to the bathroom a lot”. LOL. Oh, and bad moms don’t worry about being bad moms. You’re doing great, mama! ❤

Kate O’Connor Wehner 8 months ago

Funny!

Jacki Clover Curtis 8 months ago

I love Caillou. I hate Yo Gabba Gabba. :)

Staci Rooney 8 months ago

I love this times 1000

Staci Lee Kortz-Krueger 8 months ago

Agree completely! I tell them congrats & leave it at that…. Every bodies experience is different – as it should be.

Gabrielle 8 months ago

I still hear barney’s voice when I’m brushing my teeth telling me to turn the water off!

Tara Bowlin 8 months ago

Lol @ Caillou! The dreaded brat! Hated him when my 17 yr old was a toddler hated him more with my 6 yr old. Went on vacation in September we were in McDonalds my 6 yr old had to poop. She took the biggest dump, took half the roll of toilet paper plus a travel size thing of wipes for me to get her butt clean. The whole time we are discussing how it stinks, how someone so tiny could poop so much is beyond me, laughing about it and how stinky it was. At one point I had to crawl under the stall to get the wipes. There were 3 teen girls in their cracking up laughing. It was classic.

Courtney Meyers Fox 8 months ago

The one thing I tell all new moms: new babies need 2-3 baths per week, tops! Sometimes a good dog lick can even do the trick :)

Jennifer Ouzounian 8 months ago

My phone often has a problem showing me content here. It’s a bummer. Any advise?

Tara Bowlin 8 months ago

Me too

Nicole Boughton 8 months ago

Is it bad that I kind of teared up at this and then laughed at the Caillou one? Sometimes I feel so alone (even though I know I’m not) and that I’m a bad mom because I sometimes use grocery shopping as a way for some alone time (I take my son with me and put him in the nursery place the grocery store has. He is 4 btw).

Lindsay Levine 8 months ago

I say relax and take the schedule down off the fridge!! Inappropriate questions in the bathroom are my absolute fav!!!

Michelle Blood 8 months ago

I love this one!!! It’s true. I always feel for other moms but I’m no good at making mom friends myself for some reason. I always feel like I’m being judged instead. Mommy power. 😉

Keirstin Cobain 8 months ago

He’s no more annoying than any other preschooler. So it’s whatever. But the inappropriate questions in a public bathroom…those are fun!

Marilyn Sterrett 8 months ago

For the most part, the vets are NOT telling newbies what to do, only giving you suggestions. Don’t take offense. Before “What to expect when you’re expecting” and the internet, advice was handed down through the generations… ya know?

Galya Datsov 8 months ago

So darn annoying. And his mother must be high on something, because there’s no way a person can stay that calm all the time.

Kate M Shannon 8 months ago

I threw out all the caillou paraphernalia I got given. That lil monster is poison.

Tarina Harrison Baker 8 months ago

#3

Stacy McKinney 8 months ago

Think of popping their head off instead. LOL.

Kalie Naas 8 months ago

Heeheee…love it!!

Stacy McKinney 8 months ago

That’s exactly what I tell them too. You’ll get advice from everyone just follow your own instincts. Plus when someone says “just wait until he’s crawling-walking-etc.” I say enjoy each stage as they come.

Jan Monterosso 8 months ago

Ahhhh. The memories……I remember and my kids are grown adults

Maegan Fillmore 8 months ago

I feel like this doesn’t apply to the judgey mcjudgerson grannies who seem to have forgotten that their children may have let out a random shriek for no apparent reason once upon a time!

Joie Sizemore 8 months ago

Every new mother must learn on their own. The advice I got when I became a mother the first time was confusing and overwhelming…everybody would tell me something different about the same subject. So my advice to new mothers? Take a step back, breathe and know you got this. Follow your motherly instincts…they are all you need.

Kelli Peters 8 months ago

Yes, Caillou is THAT bad.

Bianca LeRoux 8 months ago

#7 is why I’m training for a half marathon!

Tosha Walton 8 months ago

Ahh… Amen.

Natalie Voytek 8 months ago

Truth for all points

Melyssa Glunz 8 months ago

I have a judgy mcjudginstuff that my husband and I deal with regularly. It takes everything in me to smile, nod, and find something else to do while inside I want to pop my own head off.

Great article!

Lynn Frustaci Boris 8 months ago

#3. That is all.❤️

Tiffany Adkins 8 months ago

Perfect!

Julie Anderson Marcos 8 months ago

Prying a lollipop out of their hands…hahaha those little boogers are strong

Dulce De Abreu 8 months ago

Lol!

Roni Johnson 8 months ago

The vasectomy one was hilarious

Christina D Corcorran 8 months ago

Number 2…. All the way…
with my five yr old lol

Dani Graff 8 months ago

By the amount of “talk to me in 5 years” kind of comments on a lot of articles…why do I call B.S.???

Jennifer 8 months ago

It’s ok to give into that shiney, colorful tub of baby formula when breastfeeding doesn’t work out. It will not kill your child or damage them to the point of no repair. You may feel the judgemental eyes of every breastfeeding mother on the planet whenever you make up a bottle for the little one, but only because they each would gladly pay a small fortune to do the same. The only thing stopping them is their own choices and imaginary guilt.

Elaine 9 months ago

#13 had me laughing so hard! What? I can’t tell the toddler about my vajazzle?

Grammy Toni 9 months ago

Been there, done that. As a mother of 5 and now a grandmother of 1, I can honestly say that you have hit the nail on the head. Advice is only worth what you pay- nothing if it doesn’t fit. A mother knows what is right. AND If you ever feel like judging another mother, offer to babysit their kids. Judgement will end in 3…2…1…

Rachael 9 months ago

Mommy wars are so tired and boring. This article is truth! :) When I see a mom stumbling out of her minivan with unwashed hair and spit up her shoulder clutching a starbucks cup in one hand and a toddler leash in the other, I just want to give her a hug and say, “Let’s be friends!”

Gen 9 months ago

LOVE this article! It is so true! Thanks for making me laugh out loud today!

Gen 9 months ago

OMG! “Poor martyred frog” – I’m laughing because we didn’t know we had a poor tree frog slammed in our car door for months before my dad discovered it flatter than a pancake! We just never knew!

Tina Burgess 9 months ago

What an awesome and insightful article. I have always felt insecure about my parenting although my kids are 12 and 4.

Ginny 9 months ago

It really is a bit hard on the emotions to rid your house of all the “baby stuff” after you’re through having babies, but don’t underestimate how great it will feel when you have all that extra space in your attic that was previously filled by high chairs, baby bathtubs, and Pack n Plays.

Nancy 10 months ago

Food remains. There were oyster crackers on the floor everywhere in my minivan all last week and when I finally cleaned them up my 4 yr old accused me of eating them and gave me the germ talk.

Carla 10 months ago

I have one breastfed kid and one formula fed kid. They are now 19 and 23, and guess what ……. nobody can tell which is which.

Brooke Johnson 11 months ago

That makes you want to stab yourself in the eardrums.

Sarah Smile 11 months ago

Everytime I find out a family member, friend or coworker tells me they are pregnant, I am instantly estatic for them… Better them than me 😉 in all seriousness though, I welcome them to the mommy club!

Aizah Ashraf 11 months ago

The starting.. hilarious!!

Beth Simmons Sheedy 11 months ago

Hilarious

Tracy Bauer Katzenberger 11 months ago

I wake up many mornings with my three month old in bed with me as I have (after having 3 kids) obtained the ability to pick her up and lie in bed to breastfeed her – all in my sleep.

Paige 11 months ago

You’ve got to see the movie, Neighbors (don’t worry, you can get it on Redbox)! There’s a scene about breastfeeding that made me cringe, then laugh, and also made me totally nostalgic and thankful that I was able to nurse my 3rd coz my first two preemies never did latch on, and I tried, oh boy did I try!

Lyndsey 11 months ago

Yep, sitting here at work with unbrushed teeth and unwashed hair.

Rachel Standish 11 months ago

Poop under the fingernails. *snigger*

Mary Spencer Humberd 11 months ago

As a veteran Mommy of 32 years, this just made my day! #11 is my middle child. Ladies, I went through many of the same things – I nursed my babies, cloth diapered and rocked them to sleep. My daughter bottle fed, sleep trained and is cloth diapering her first. It’s all okay! Let’s just all chill and love on our babies! And let’s love on ourselves and each other as well. Parenting ain’t for sissies and we need each other!

Sarah Thomas 11 months ago

This is lovely xx

Jennifer Faulconer 11 months ago

My oldest is 23 youngest is 6…never heard of caillou…think I can safely say I won’t have to see it in the future, lol…but thank you for the explanation ladies,

Diana 11 months ago

Bahahahaha! My husband banned Barney & Teletubbies from day one! Since we have boys, I later banned all things Pokemon, Power Rangers, pretty much all the animes. That grew to include Yo Gabba Gabba and a few others. Mostly to cut down on the amount of licensed CRAP that enters my home…

Pamela Elliott 11 months ago

Very intuitive! Like it a lot

Jennifer Jones Rombardo 11 months ago

#3 is the best thing ever!!!! #9 yes why is that!??? And please can we all agree that all moms are the same and we should be on the same side

Emily Wade 11 months ago

Lol….

Megan Crick Posey 11 months ago

My youngest is now almost 3. I say to all you new mamas, having a baby is so rewarding yet the upmost challenging thing ever! Embrace the good and look over the bad!

Monica 11 months ago

I maybe went out and bought 4 more nursing bras when my baby was 3 weeks old. And I maybe gave up on breastfeeding when my baby was 2 weeks old. 😉

Kimberly 11 months ago

There were shows my kids NEVER watched – I just didn’t want them to be tempted. To this day, people will talk about “remember the Barnie episode where…..” and we just all look at them like “nope, not a clue.”

Julie Natale Baniewicz 11 months ago

LOL #14!!

Jessica Hinds 11 months ago

Hilarious!

Tady Tote 11 months ago

SO funny…and SO true!

Petra McCafferty 11 months ago

Wait a minute…. Those Nasal aspirators are used for snooty noses ?? I thought they where a emergency thing…..

Mary Laux 11 months ago

I have a 13 year old son. Live him very much but say to myself sometimes I miss the diapers and glad I Have one kid lol

Stacey Endsley Thompson 11 months ago

Caillou is not allowed in this house. My boys (2 & 5months) have never seem it. My niece (now 15) loved it when she was little. I plotted his death…

Terri Buster 11 months ago

Love.It. Been a mom for 17 years and I am laughing so hard right now!

Jessica Fitzgerald 11 months ago

Haha #15!!! :)

ely 11 months ago

I like number seven, that is so true! Lol

Jeannine Reilly 11 months ago

Hysterical!!!

Jennifer Kitchen Morante 11 months ago

I still rock my 12 month old all the time because I LOVE the feeling! I don’t care what anyone one says I will rock her until she doesn’t fit in my arms anymore.

Jen Contarino 11 months ago

THIS is perfect!

Kelly Fowler 11 months ago

I told my kids Caillou is on a permanent vacation.Lol!

Jessica Madsen 11 months ago

Ha! #15!

Amy Morse 11 months ago

I love this!!! Exactly how I feel when I see a new mom. Want to take her aside and tell her, it’s all ok.

Jaselle Drexler 11 months ago

My kids are 5 and 4 I still have my breast feeding bras

Jennifer Faulconer 11 months ago

Who or what is caillou

Brooke Johnson 11 months ago

I told my kids Caillou died. Okay maybe not, but I want to.

Carla Cummins Thomas 11 months ago

Number 6. Definitely number 6.

sara 11 months ago

With my first I was a young judgemental snark – I breastfed, Co slept and had an amazingly well behaved child. 6 years later I had my second. Oh what a high needs child he was. . Is. Wouldn’t settle for mommy only daddy, wouldn’t feed or sleep or sit down, tantrums aplenty and 3 years later is the exact same! Now when I see a smug young mum I wish her well and don’t bat an eye at the disdainful looks I get for having greasy hair and no make up with a cart left haphazardly in the middle of a store chasing down the little loon I gave birth to. Some of us experience the perfect child, some the demon, I’m lucky I’ve had both

Stephanie Baker 11 months ago

Amen mamas!!

Christina Biondo Glover 11 months ago

Amen!

Moni 11 months ago

Love! Thank you. May need to print and re-read.

Melissa McEver Huckabay 11 months ago

<3

Gina Perkins 11 months ago

Love this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Susan Harris Dorsey 11 months ago

Oh! And one day you will miss all of this!

Taylor Rome 11 months ago

Oh mercy! 10!

Melissa Ortiz 11 months ago

Spot on!! Every single one.

Pamela L (Rookie Parenting) 1 year ago

#11 is what I didn’t expect but fully enjoyed. But now that she learns to punish me when she’s in time-out by having potty training accident, I need a new way to get that minute of peace and quiet. :)

shama-mama 1 year ago

i always loved Caillou. I will still watch it even when the kids don’t….i’m obviously alone in this boat:)

Ginny 1 year ago

And please, don’t ever apologize for things your baby does! If I’m holding your baby then I know there is a chance I will be spit up on. Or peed on. Or pooped on. That’s a risk I choose to take when I hold your precious bundle. Don’t apologize when it actually happens.

Vasectomies are great. When my husband came to me and told me he was going to schedule one, I thought Christmas and my birthday had both come early and rolled into one. By the way, people love to tell you about how their cousin’s best friend’s sister-in-law’s husband had a vasectomy but still got his wife pregnant. Don’t let those stories scare you. Do what the doctor orders, wait for his/her thumbs-up before going at it unprotected (approximately 3 months, give or take), and it will be fine. It’s been 4 years since my husband had the procedure and this baby machine is still closed for business.

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Kelly Edwards 1 year ago

Hilarious and spot on! I may or may not have considered #10 for a birthday present…

jenn 1 year ago

the single college kids i work with refer to my car as “birth control”

Rae 1 year ago

Spot on but the only thing I’m judging is the fact that you ca

Jennifer Dewing 1 year ago

Oh my goodness, this was so funny! I have been a mom for over 13 years (just a drop in the bucket, really) and I’m sure I have done all of them at one time or another. We have 8 children, the youngest being 10 mths, and whenever I can, I encourage young/new moms. I, too, hope that my smile towards them is understood to be one of understanding and not judgment. Having such a large family, we get enough judgment from others, so I have no intention of passing that judgment mentality to someone else.

Courtney Bagwell 1 year ago

This article is amazing! I’m a first timer, and I think the thing I learned the fastest, was to let go of all the preconceived ideas of what I thought motherhood looks like. I am someone who needs control, all the time, but I have a three year old! I have learned to not let any of the “little things” get in the way of enjoying my kiddo! She is by far the funniest, smartest person I know. The black sharpie on the wall, or clogged toilet(rolls of tp), or the peed on bed sheets, can never be a bother because this age is so temporary, and I want to enjoy it all.

Mara 1 year ago

I read this while my 10 mo old daughter sucks away at a wet washcloth (her new favorite thing) and I ignore my 5 yr old and 10 yr old boys scream “Moooooom, he hit me!” and My Little Pony plays on the TV for the millionth time this week. I really love knowing that I am not the only mom out there that wears the same formula and mysterious food stained clothes for days at a time. I felt productive today when I actually changed clothes. That went out the window when five minutes later, my daughter decided to share her bottle with me. My house is a mess, my kids are a mess, I am a mess, but I don’t care. My kids are healthy, they are loved -and know so- I don’t care what judgy moms think. They judge because they are ashamed to admit they do the same things.

Athena 1 year ago

I adore this list even though my youngest is 9… It does get better. In fact this morning to wake up my middle child I considered using a cap gun off their dresser to do the job! (No judgement, I hate guns but boys gravitate towards them!) I resisted but how funny would that be?

Orenda 1 year ago

I don’t think I’ll stop wearing my nursing bras until they wear out. They are the most comfortable bras I’ve ever found. He’s 2 1/2 now and I’m still in them.

Cat Buchanan 1 year ago

My son taught me very early to nap when he napped. I was nursing and I would lie down on a mattress on the floor to nurse him into submission. The first time, he slept for about an hour and then half-woke to find his BOOB had gone missing and SCREAMED. If I went to sleep WITH him, he would half-wake, root for his boob and latch himself back on and go back to sleep without even waking me up. I also did the same thing when he insisted in being one of those HIDEOUS morning babies (I’m a night person) and kept waking up at 4:30 am (not joking) after sleeping for 9 hours. I would grab him from his crib, put him in bed next to me, get him latched and we would BOTH go back to sleep.

Cat Buchanan 1 year ago

My husband and I remember fondly the day when I was sitting across the Living Room and I called out to him something like “Think fast!” and shot a stream of breast milk across the room and hit him in the face.

Cat Buchanan 1 year ago

I miss cuddling with my son as an infant. I miss cuddling with him as a toddler. I miss him taking NAPS. lol

Cat Buchanan 1 year ago

I agree. there are any number of reasons that a mom may be using formula instead of breastfeeding and it is nobody’s business as long as the baby is being fed. I would have LOVED to be able to allow my son to wean himself, but chronic health issues meant that I had to go back on my medications and I feel very lucky that I was able to nurse him for over 14 months before I started a slow wean. My husband had an insufficient latch and suck so he was formula fed. One of my son’s first friends was formula fed because her mom has Lupus and she could NOT be off the meds. My husband’s and my SIL was so sleepy after her labor with her son that they started with formula in the hospital and just chose to stay on formula. It’s NOBODY’S BUSINESS why a mother would choose to use formula … as long as the baby is being fed and is eating enough, it really doesn’t matter.

Cat Buchanan 1 year ago

I usually actually SAY something supportive in addition to smiling at the kids. Then I wave in the general direction of my 7 year old and let them know “I’ve been there”.

ESheen 1 year ago

Haha! Love it all! #12 made me laugh extra hard because I went a whole day with a Cheerio stuck between the two layers of (maternity) tank tops I was wearing- just last week!

mrspk3 1 year ago

I still have a handful of maternity shirts I wear….and my youngest is almost 3. These shirts were stretchy and tight fitting when I was prego (oh, and I used them during the pregnancy with my 6 year old too!), and they are just way too comfy to give up. They look like normal shirts, with just a little extra room around the tummy. One of them is a button up hoody…I LOVE that shirt….it’s so loose and cozy.

Kathy 1 year ago

As a first time mom you try read all you can, get all the advice you can get from more experienced moms, and the doctors. When my oldest child was born ( in the mid 70′ s) the rule of thumb was a baby should double their birth weight by 6th month he did plus a pound and few ounces. The baby was suppose to triple their weight by their first birthday, and my son and he was a pound under weight. I thought I was a terrible mother and didn’t know if the doctor was going to be upset with me, but he wasn’t. Now the difference with the second child. My daughter weighed 8 pounds 6 ounces, and her growing home weight was 7 pounds and 13 ounces. The same weight rule was to be followed, and my daughter weighed 17 pounds and 13 ounces. She only gained10 pounds and I didn’t feel like a bad mom I knew she was well nourished.

Tara Pesic 1 year ago

This was a good read for mamas everywhere

Shanyn Blankenship Spetsiotakis 1 year ago

This is awesome moms! So true…

Breaking The Mommma Mold 1 year ago

I love and stand by number 7. LOL I always say that my gym membership is a win-win for both myself and my two-year old. She gets to socialize without me for an hour and I get to take a moment for sanity. However, I think I am denying that it is actually a double win for me… peace & quiet/sanity and calorie loss! :)

Hbombmom 1 year ago

And this is what freaks me out about having a second. What if my first was my “easy one” ?!?

Hbombmom 1 year ago

So glad I learned long ago as a childcare provider that baby snot is no match for a good sturdy baby wipe. Those little soap soaked cloths are magic! My only kiddo is 6 now and I don’t think baby wipes will ever not exist in my house again! :)

Hbombmom 1 year ago

I’m wondering how old the kid in this conversation is. Just yesterday my 6 year old and I shared what I call a “one-seater” bathroom at the state park and he started asking me all kinds of questions about what I was doing and why. I answered him in the most technical, informative, and developmentally appropriate way I knew how. Complete with pics of the fallopian tubes, uterus, etc. (thank you google) when we got home and he asked again. This isnt the first time he’s seem mommy in that moment but the first time he seemed extremely interested in the answers to it. The woman waiting outside the stall seemed way more freaked out than he was. Lol. Imo, it’s something normal, natural and pretty intetesting, and not anything to be embarrassed of. I want my son to feel the same way about it.

Hbombmom 1 year ago

#1- Ooh ooh…or those super duper sturdy plastic ones with the plastic lined pocket. Those guys are great with a beginning self feeder. Cotton bibs with “Mommy’s little monster” embroidered on them are cute and all but when you’ve got a reinactment of the Exorcist going on with your 2 month old, they’re just one more soaking wet layer to have to change on a screaming, writhing infant.

Hbombmom 1 year ago

Oh yeah. Definitely. Imagine my horror a few years back when my 2 year old was snacking in the backseat…and I hadn’t given him anything to eat. Blech! I thought I was going to throw up and die of embarrassment all in the same moment. Or maybe that other time when his car seat brought ants into his daycare providers living room…

Caroline Wilber 1 year ago

#2 had me giggling for the rest of the list.

Cristina 1 year ago

So funny! My hubby told the kids that Caillou was a whiney little s#*+ and they couldn’t watch him anymore. Keep in mind this was after a couple episodes in a row! :)

Patti Vitanzo 1 year ago

Wish I had a place to go to when I was raising my sons instead of feeling so alone. Love the article…

Jaclyn Kemp Fontaine 1 year ago

Love this!!

michelle l. 1 year ago

Nothing stronger than a baby holding candy is true & the face they make when u try to pry it from their hands is down right intimidating. And dont try to change the channel when caillou is on! Its the only tv show that my son likes, i have 25 episodes saved in my dvr for rainy days. I love how supportive other mommies can be, we appreciate eachother.

Lisa 1 year ago

OMG @ 14…my son LOVES Calliou. However, there’s a specific song we may try that with. We’re sick of it.

Beth Baltz 1 year ago

amen.

Hannah 1 year ago

LOVED it! I have 4 little ones ages 5, 4, 2 and 1. You would think I would be an expert by 3 or 4 but it seems like a competition to outdo the previous legendary baby story!

Isobel Vizard 1 year ago

Very funny stuff.

Elsa Kuhr Rock 1 year ago

Priceless, and oh so TRUE!!! <3

amy 1 year ago

NEVER………………..(evil grin). My first was a Barney lover. Caillou is a step up. lol

Carrie Zinn 1 year ago

#7 – daycare and also showering alone! That is my plan after #2 comes along! If I actually work out too…awesome.

Nikki Fugett Dobens 1 year ago

Love this!

Gail Anne Szala 1 year ago

Fantastic!

Debbie Wilcock 1 year ago

Number 14 – I’m in !

Stephanie Trudel 1 year ago

I don’t care what you gals, say, I love Caillou! He never talks back, is always agreeable, and never makes his Mommy cry. Granted, that’s nothing like an actual child, but hey…

Kate Haase 1 year ago

#3!!!!

Pamela Litalien-Abeyta 1 year ago

Simply classic

Felicia Chipman-Barnes 1 year ago

Absolutely perfect

kristina 1 year ago

I remember putting my freshly bathed oldest son to bed with carefully chosen stories read from the rocking chair in his dimly lit room… sound activated monitor in place and white noise machine humming. Fast forward and I sit here writing this while my youngest son (number 7 of 8) sleeps on the floor next to his bed with one shoe on and a drying cheese stick clutched in his fist. There is no way in you-know-where I will risk waking him and I’m taking credit for the fact that at least he fell asleep in his own room tonight. New moms, God Bless You!

Alissa Gabriel 1 year ago

13 cracks me up!!

Emma Brooks 1 year ago

Wow. I remember. Those days

Amie Miller 1 year ago

OMG! I am crying over here! too funny and SOOOO true.

Danielle Chandler 1 year ago

Love it!

Katie Priest Harlow 1 year ago

Number 14. Yep. Did that one.

Kristin Davis Cutler 1 year ago

They were all great but 14 was the funniest! He was banned at our house for life. If we all hate him how can he still be on tv?

Ann Brown Bowers 1 year ago

Amen. No Judgey McJudgeson here! Even at 45 and with my only first three year old. I’m not judging I’m just to dang tired :)

Tina Gillotti Stys 1 year ago

I love this!

Mishell Valiulis 1 year ago

Gwen that Caillou is a whiney bastard!

Theresa Wehrle Stein 1 year ago

Amen

Rosemary Robertson 1 year ago

Love it. Wish it had been around back in the day – you know, Stone Age, when I was raising mine!

Caroline 1 year ago

Loved this. Every time I got to the next number i just kept thinking: yep, been there! My husband and I were both single parents when we met with three children each… Never a dull moment that’s all I can tell you. I remember thinking that sleep and clean anything were myths perpetrated by parents that wanted grandchildren! Thanks for the laugh and the trip down memory lane!!

Tom ‘n Jen Tomchak 1 year ago

#13 happened to me yesterday!!!

Betsy Suarez 1 year ago

This is fantastic lol and very true lol

Lesley 1 year ago

Can we include the “no judgement for that sticker that was placed and forgotten on your pants, shirt, hand, and/or face. We didn’t notice it either because it is just background decoration. When you finally remember it, find it on your clothes, in the washing machine, or when you look in the mirror it didn’t look half as bad as you thought it did.”

Krissy Moore 1 year ago

Love this

Manicmom 1 year ago

This is awesome. Nerds and pickles. Power foods.

Felicity Lynchard 1 year ago

Gonna take you up on the Caillou vacation! Never thought anything could be as annoying a Barney……I was wrong!

Lici 1 year ago

I loved this list! I wish someone had told me all of these with my first. I just found out I am pregnant with #3, and I find myself looking back at how scared I was with my first two (they were 14 months apart). I didn’t have a clue what I was doing, and they turned out fine. I am still learning every day, but now I don’t have to worry about all the tidbits of “Perfect Mom” advice. I know that most of it is great, but I now know better than to try to do it all!

Carla Edwards 1 year ago

i laughed and laughed. i needed that. GO MOMS EVERYWHERE!!!

Kim Brennan 1 year ago

The next time I see the “Judgey McJudginstuff” in my life I will think about the closing lines in this article and LMAO..so thank you! ♥

Catherine Riccioni 1 year ago

Funny stuff!

Michelle Remmel 1 year ago

lol at #14 haha. Eff that bald headed whiny brat!

Bec Hinton 1 year ago

As I new mum to a 3 month old these were fantastic.

Ginni Dauzat 1 year ago

Sooo Good : )

Kristen Mae of Abandoning Pretense 1 year ago

My husband still has the audacity to act horrified at the state of the interior of the car. Clean it yourself, then, buddy. It will look exactly the same by tomorrow afternoon. 😉

Noelle Winer 1 year ago

#15!!! Just packed em up 5 months later. Seriously they are so comfortable!!!

Janet Schoeller Knight 1 year ago

That is funny. I especially looked the reference to the car and to what they ate in a day!

Alecia Clark 1 year ago

I love this.

Elizabeth Zmarrou 1 year ago

This is great. I don’t miss those years at all.

lizzy 1 year ago

Another thing is trying to take a shower. I don’t remember the last time I was able to get a shower in peace. You know not having a kid screaming at the door or a Lil voice saying mommy I need to go tinkle (potty)!
And a nice hit bath forget it!

Kimberly Moulder Palmer 1 year ago

Becoming a mother humbled me like nothing else. No judgments here – just commiserations.

Becky Szczerba Lauridsen 1 year ago

#14 – love it. Why didn’t I think of that 13 years ago. Caillou is Canadian for whiny child!

Holly Elaine 1 year ago

Hilarious … Love it … Never thought about sending Caillou away, far away, great idea!

Sonni Lloyd 1 year ago

Finally worked for me. Such good advice! Parenting is not a competition. It’s just doing the best you can do from one day to the next. Good luck, Sweet Girl!

Katie Marchetti 1 year ago

Its almost a shame im not having more the knowledge learned from tge first would make me less guilty abd rigid.

Jennifer Tate 1 year ago

Love #5! I will admit there were some tears when I threw out the last nasal bulb thingie.

Brittany O’Conoleagh 1 year ago

I can’t even count how many times I’ve scratched puke off my clothes lol

Magdalena Lamping 1 year ago

love it! So true~

Kathyf 1 year ago

I tell some people I am trying to get rid of the “baby weight”….of course my “baby” has just turned 23 years old!!! And I am 60! Oh well it’s worth the try….

Rusty612 1 year ago

I’ll never forget being in line at the post office with a crying infant and a wild toddler during Christmas rush and a woman leaning out of the line a few places back and saying, loudly: “You’re doing a good job!” and smiling at me.
I still get teary thinking about it 10 years later.

Thea 2 years ago

This makes me laugh every time I read it and I’ve read it many times. My boy shouted in one of those packed 20 stall bathrooms “MOM WHY DO YOU HAVE BLACK STUFF ALL OVER YOUR VAGINA!!!” Needless to say at that point I really regretted teaching him the real names of private parts.

holly anderson 2 years ago

All of these comments cracked me up. So very glad that all mothers have their own crazy child raising stories. Kids really are awesome . And yes children really do stick their tongues on metal poles. My 5 yo. did the other day because she thought it would be funny. She quickly discovered its NOT funny !

Hannah M 2 years ago

What I *might* love more than this so well written, hilarious post is the fact that there is not one negative comment. So rare when reading any post these days that somehow, SOMEWAY, the author’s words are twisted around and cat fight comments ensue. Love love love everything about this.

Marti Wills 2 years ago

Love this! So true! For the first three years of life my daughter used my hair as tissues – wipe her face, dry her tears, blow her nose – she would seek me out to use my hair. Caught her sneakily using it to wipe tears while on my lap just the other day and she is 7…..

Brittani Jorgensen 2 years ago

Awesome!

James Moulton 2 years ago

My two year old calls that the "front butt", but boys have "tails".

Tresa Frick 2 years ago

Potty training my eldest son now 12 take him potty every time I went discussed where the pp and poopy goes… Until he discovered mommy has a "flat" wanker as opposed to his "normal" wanker. He potty trained my now 5 yr old son as I wasn't ready to answer why we're different. I'm riding the baby's come from watermelon seeds story as long as I can…

Ashlee Cook 2 years ago

lol my public bathroom moment with a three year old was…wow, mommy! you have the most beautiful red pee in the world!!!

Claire Spencer Robinson 2 years ago

It's also a blast to discover that while the kid was playing quietly, she was really unwrapping every. single. tampon. in the drawer. Apparently the new trendy packaging colors screams for kids to unwrap whatever "treat" is inside.

Brandie 2 years ago

I’m not a mom but work in a day care with kids ranging from 7wks to 5yr. I totally get the clothes test..sniff? Hmmm nope no stale spit up smell. Febreeze it and keep on truckin lol.

Amanda Bernard 2 years ago

I always laugh when my 4 year old tells me he's going to send me to my room for a time out. Little does he know that when you get to be a parent, time outs aren't such a bad thing anymore :)

Amanda Bernard 2 years ago

#10 cracked me up. After we had our first two, we talked about a vasectomy but never got further then that. After finding out we were pregnant with our third, husband had an appointment with the doctor the next week to schedule a vasectomy lol

Gina Tutti 2 years ago

Hmm scary yes.

Paige Post 2 years ago

Shh, don't tell anyone but my daughter is almost FOUR and I still like to wear my maternity capris if it's warm enough LOL. Why not? They are cute and super comfy!!

Mary Beth Hebert 2 years ago

Krista Grandstaff -that priceless!

Leslie Uman DeSanto 2 years ago

A classic… been there too many times. I just want to know why is it always my towel that gets abused?

Christine Langille 2 years ago

lmaaoo

Shavaughn Albury 2 years ago

no my 4 year old stumped me the other day – I told her if she do not lay down properly in the bed I would put a wall up between us – she replies "oh yea WELL I would just walk around the wall and lay on YOU!!!"…….:(

K Lew Is 2 years ago

Jean L Ramsay that is pretty trendy. I say if we try that with socks, and even go crazy an say mascara, we'd take the heat off a lot of frazzled moms out there.

Jean L Ramsay 2 years ago

I would find myself at work with one earring in. I pretended to be a trend setter.

Kristi Campbell 2 years ago

So awesome. I’m still wearing the same nursing bra size, four years later. I actually went back to the regular ones but then, well. Three happened. Thanks for this!!

Sarah Easterly Tiani 2 years ago

I can see why you are a dad of 5. Good job! Might need to sign up for that vasectomy yourself.

Xochi Minchey 2 years ago

Loved this:)

Felisha 2 years ago

Oh vajazzling! I think I pee’d myself! Nothing like them screaming that you pooped your pants in a public restroom, because aunt flo is in town!

Victoria Roe 2 years ago

My daughter (oldest and only girl) used to 'Fire' us on a daily basis. The first time we just busted out laughing. After that my response was usually, 'Good luck with that!'. 😉

Harley 2 years ago

Not a mom, but a former nanny. I will never forget the first time I had a Little repeat a profane word (not one I said, but the person standing next to us in the parking lot). I nearly cried trying to hold in my laughter while attempting to tell my adorable, super-small for his age 3-year old charge who had leaned forward in his car seat with these adorable big blue eyes, and said, “Bullsh*t?”; that it’s an adult word and he shouldn’t say it. It’s almost impossible to tell a kid he can’t say something when he thinks it must be funny because his nanny is choking on her laughter.

Amy Wiley Cannon 2 years ago

Or outwardly

Melissa Nicholson 2 years ago

Shoot my youngest is 13 months and I still wear my maternity pants lol. They're comfy and stylish :p

M 2 years ago

I have no children, but my mom has always said “new mommies should nap every time their new babies nap. Clean while they’re awake and strapped to you or in a bouncy seat.” As a girl who loves her sleep and knows it will be the thing I miss most when I have kids, it sounds like very solid advice to me.

Kaleim Tharpe 2 years ago

Almost woke the sleeping baby laughing at this one!!

Amanda Cane 2 years ago

THERE ARE CHILDREN WHO CAN BLOW THEIR OWN NOSES???? I'm so excited at the prospect of this day, I might cry.

Debbie Flesher Moore 2 years ago

My personal motto is I don't have to be the perfect mother; just good enough. Loved these, especially #14!

Meg Gerritson 2 years ago

This is so awesome! Love it and all of the comments. So right on.

Meg
Co-Founder
http://www.mommeetmom.com

Mary McCabe Bedford 2 years ago

Laughing too!

Kristen Sydelko 2 years ago

I have a feeling we're getting closer to that stage :) Good to know what to watch for!

Anne-Marie Ross 2 years ago

We are often hard on ourselves… But it is worth it, my son said to me one day "Mommy my heart is beating so hard mommy, I asked why and he said because I love you so much :)

Jan Lindner 2 years ago

I got my niece a carpet shampooer for baby shower gift, she thought it was really awful, after the baby was born she soon learned how great it really was having one in your house.

Andi 2 years ago

Very funny and very well written. 😀

Michelle Brown 2 years ago

Thanks for the laugh:)

Kathleen Gallo 2 years ago

I just love to read fortuitous! So much of it is so real & things we were/are thinking about! They are all such writers, and they help me to once again enjoy (and sometimes cry) remembering all the wonderful years when my 4 children were growing up and how excruciatingly fast those years flew! So thankful to sometimes get to share in the growing up of our 14 grandchildren and see how their mothers are teaching their little, and already not so little, precious babes!! It’s a joy to behold!!

Jenna 2 years ago

I asked my 4yr old what she was eating in the van the other day and her reply? “An old corndog…” I just about gagged. And she said it so matter-of-factly like it wasn’t anything unusual to eat days old food she found in the van. Ugh!

Lindsay Riley 2 years ago

Don't freak out when you find your favorite lipstick has made your darling princess linto an umpa-loompa. She only wants to 'be beautiful like mommy is.'

Just hold back those tears and give a quick bubble bath. Two year olds are amazing.

Lori Mik 2 years ago

every mom should read this….we are all in this together!

emily 2 years ago

I thought my first was a spirited child…and then I had my third! I had no idea! Extra arms and legs would be soooo helpful!

emily 2 years ago

My mom nearly died when my brother started drawing on one in church! Hahahahaha! They’re just so versatile :)

emily 2 years ago

Fur?!!!! That is so funny! Kids are awesome–and other things 😉 Thanks for sharing!

JenniferC 2 years ago

Yes, have had this conversation with my kids but they didn’t peek, fortunately. They have asked on repeated occasions what tampons are for, now they can read the word “tampon”. They are a special kind of band aid for mommies, kiddoes. That is all you need to know.

Jeanne Copeland Harper 2 years ago

This one I loved. I remember when my youngest, now 20, was in the bathroom while I was taking a shower and wanted to know why I had fur!

Sharon McDivitt Greier 2 years ago

My son told me I was fired when he was 2. Is it wrong that I muttered "if only…"? :) Did I mention that he's my 4th child and 3rd boy? That makes it ok, right? lol

Heather 2 years ago

Honestly, it can get even worse than the old food. I’m hard pressed to figure out how the poor martyred frog I found in my van got there. And no one is owning up to it either.

CathyDave Cyalater 2 years ago

Having a 2 year old daughter was a blast! I found a feminine pad in my daughters Barbie house. They make great doll mattress's!!
Then there was the time I heard my husband gasping in horror, "OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!! Your Mother is going to FLIP OUT!" Then he yelled to me to come see this! Since he was standing in the bathroom doorway, I expected a flood of biblical proportions! To my relief, it was just ALL my pantyliner's stuck all over everything in the bathroom! Apparently they are fun stickers too!! I was so busy laughing I forgot to "Flip Out"!!

Beth 2 years ago

This made me laugh. I am a mother of five. I used to wait to get dressed in the morning until after I had changed my first child’s diaper. You never knew what she would put her foot in and smear on my shirt. After baby number two, I decided I must have just been inexperienced because I didn’t have the same problem. Baby number four proved me wrong. She was such a squirmer. There were many days I wished for an extra set of arms just to keep legs out of the way.

CathyDave Cyalater 2 years ago

Krista Grandstaff I need to go change my pants now! I think I pissed myself laughing!!!!

CathyDave Cyalater 2 years ago

I laugh because I've been there!!

Susan Madden 2 years ago

my daughter calls mine a "diaper"

Tamara 2 years ago

Everything written is so true. Last week I started work after maternity leave, I thought I would dress up look nice…..started off well but by the time the kids were ready I was covered in my 11 month olds snot….skirt and top….I decided that I could not be bothered to change…it didnt look too bad after all!!

Cathi Cogle 2 years ago

YES! I'm a grandma, and I still feel this way, sometimes! The thing I would add is, hold your babies! Carry them love on them! It's how they learn to love!

Judith Bankston Montgomery 2 years ago

We'll lol what was your answer?

Janie Von Lehman Nordman 2 years ago

"Dried" sorry

Kristen Mae at Abandoning Pretense 2 years ago

There is nothing better than a generous, heaping helping of validation and commiseration. (Except maybe for the feeling of a heap of baby snuggled up on your chest!)

xoxo

Sandy Ludwig 2 years ago

I laughed out loud with this one!

Meaghan 2 years ago

Love this! The best advice I EVER got as a new mom was that my family will never look like anyone else’s….no judgement, just do what works! Going from 1 kid to 4 in 3 years was like a whirlwind and whatever it takes to sleep or get them to eat is normally what we will do! And the car – forget it…it looks like hell no matter what I try to do. I swear there is food back there that I never even gave them, I honestly don’t even know where it comes from. And Caillou went on a permanent vacation in our house a LONG time ago….

Angie Hoffman 2 years ago

Funniest thing I've read today! Lol

Janie Von Lehman Nordman 2 years ago

I got out of the shower tonight, dries off, got dressed, went to hang up the towel, and realized my daughter wiped her poopy butt on it. Back in the shower I went. It's not the perfect Johnson and Johnson commercial we all hope it will be :-)

Autumn 2 years ago

Number 9 made me laugh out loud, since my two and half year old managed to sneak her lollipop into the shower with her just this evening. Great list!

Emily Adams 2 years ago

I used to think motherhood was just naturally easy for some and that I had somehow just missed that boat. Social media had been wonderful for my mothering self esteem.

Holly Anne Balish 2 years ago

And don't feel bad when you inwardly squeal with joy when your preschooler sends you to your room for a timeout.

Nina 2 years ago

I recently sent this text msg to a friend after a #13 experience:

Uugh imagine hearing this in a public bathroom:

Kid and woman walk in…
Kid: I’m gonna go potty first.
Woman: ok
(Tinkle tinkle)
Kid: I held my peepee down!
Woman: yep, good job. Pull up your pants.
Kid: ok!
Woman: ok turn around
Kid: ok but [blah blah random stuff]
Woman: I told you to turn around and don’t look at me!
Kid: why?
Woman: just turn around.
Kid: so I don’t see you pee?
Woman: yeah.
Kid: ok.
Woman: TURN AROUND!
Kid: but Mommy, why is there red stuff in the toilet?
(Silence)
Kid: mom why is there red stuff in the toilet? Why is there red stuff in the toilet?
Woman: I’m not going to answer your question. You’re just going to have to find out when you’re older. That’s why I told you to turn around.
Kid: ooohh.

Lisa Weinstein 2 years ago

Here are my words of wisdom: (my daughter is now 16)
1. The best baby presents EVER are bibs, and not those cheap tie bibs, we are talking the large bibs with velcro straps and plastic material that is easy to clean. You can never have enough.
2. If your baby is a girl, resist the urge to buy her frilly dresses – they will be covered in regurgitated formula and strained carrots in no time.
3. When your baby goes down for his/her nap, you have 3 choices
a. clean the house that currently looks like a war zone
b. take a shower (since you smell like a war zone)
c. nap
Trust me when I tell you….CHOOSE C – I always chose A., which meant I’d be crying with exhaustion by the time the hubs came home from work!

Emily 2 years ago

She is lucky to have you as a sounding board…even if she doesn’t know it, yet :) Thanks for reading and commenting!

Emily 2 years ago

Oh! This made me laugh! Candy! I love it!

Emily 2 years ago

Yep! Who cares?! We’ve all smelled like baby barf…and other things…at one time or another :)

Emily 2 years ago

Stephanie, don’t you dare hide your head in shame…although I did after a fellow preschool mom popped her head in my car window this morning. Was I just imagining her scanning the interior of my vehicle? Gah!

Thanks for reading and commenting!

Krista Grandstaff 2 years ago

and in the quiet bathroom stall next to mine..while I was opening a wrapper…I heard a child yell.." HEY, why does SHE get candy?!!!"

Lisa @ The Golden Spoons 2 years ago

Ha! This is awesome! My younger SIL is expecting her first in January. Right now she’s still in that “It’s not going to change my life THAT much phase.” I’m looking forward to the day when I can say “Now, you see what I’ve been through all these years!!” And “It’s o.k. How can I help??” :-)

Julie Presley 2 years ago

I never allowed my kids to watch it. They knew that when the song came on, the TV went off!

Stephanie @ Mommy, for Real. 2 years ago

Emily! This is so awesome! I was already laughing at #1, because I almost always describe our minivan as the place where goldfish crackers go to die, and I found a chicken McNugget under the seat yesterday. (hiding head in shame) Great job!

Kristin 2 years ago

Love this. LOVE. I’m surrounded by self-important biatch moms who think the sun shines out of their asses due to their perfection. My kids are happy and healthy and adorable, and sometimes I smell like baby barf. Who cares? :)

Meg Michelle 2 years ago

Said in a mostly quiet bathroom very loudly "Mommy you have two BUTTS!" … ty son .. lol

maura 2 years ago

:) Mine just screams when i send her to time out. I think that says more about our parenting 😉

emily 2 years ago

I’ve heard March Madness is a popular time, too! My husband is waiting for me to give him the green light :) I’ll make sure to have frozen peas on hand 😉

emily 2 years ago

I agree with you 100%!

Mama and the City 2 years ago

Awesome. I saw myself in some many points of this list.

Nicole Garcia 2 years ago

Mine announced to the whole bathroom in Target that I had "poop on my panties" when it was really that time of the month and i decided to wear a pad instead of a tampon. lmao

Keith Houin 2 years ago

okay – I'm a dad of five. Let me add. We aren't just making it up when we think of you in all of these moments as the most amazing thing we have ever seen. You rock moms.

Joanne 2 years ago

I have a pair of slippers that look like regular boat shoes. I wear them everywhere: preschool, the park, LUNCH! Especially because my feet are still yoo big for all my real shoes after #2 and ain’t nobody got time for shopping.

Noelle Newby 2 years ago

Perfection! Thank you.

emily 2 years ago

I feel like the maternity clothes are always the cutest when I’m not pregnant! And Target’s line is awesome!

emily 2 years ago

I need a gym with a hot tub! Good for her!

emily 2 years ago

Nice! Always in earshot of a stranger :)

Harper 2 years ago

Wonderfully written, refreshing viewpoint. We need more moms like you who are understanding, not judgmental. I’m a veteran (#3 on the way) but I still feel that “high school cafeteria” awkwardness from other moms, especially the newbs. But I know it’s because they feel awkward and judged too.

Lisa Roth 2 years ago

mine said the exact same thing. the lady in the stall next to us laughed so hard she snorted lol

Libby Rose 2 years ago

My youngest is 7 & I still buy maternity clothes! The ones at Target are really cute! 😉

Meredith 2 years ago

Preach it, Mama! Also, my fav mom story is my friend who took her baby to the gym childcare so she could hop in the hot tub for a break. AMAZING.

Jill 2 years ago

I used to work at a medical clinic and they referred to Fridays as “Vasectomy Fridays” because that’s when all the men would come in for the procedure. You could always tell the ones who had it done by the way they gingerly walked out of the clinic holding their frozen bag of peas to their lap.

And I have to say that the best gift my husband ever gave me was him getting the “Big V” and you should have seen the look on his face when our then 2 y.o. DD ran up and wanted to jump in his lap when he got home. It was priceless!

Kati 2 years ago

NUMBER 7!!! I tell all my new mommy friends to join the YMCA as soon as their little one is old enough.

Vicki Boland 2 years ago

"mummy, why do you have a hairy bum?" said my 2 year old in the public toilets… you have to laugh!

erin @ dfmi designs 2 years ago

Awesome! My daughter is 5 and we are working on a 2nd. Can’t wait for baby and big girl snuggles combined. :)

Ariana is Still Growing 2 years ago

I think that we as moms, especially when new at it feel so vulnerable, that we feel judged far more than we actually are being judged. Judy McJudginstein is more mythical than real. Great reminder of perspective!

emily 2 years ago

It’s my favorite, too. There is just nothing like a baby at rest on your chest. *Sigh*

emily 2 years ago

Oh! That is fantastic! They say a way to a man’s heart is through his stomach! Does that apply when it’s cereal raining down from your bra? I guess if the bra is coming off, it doesn’t matter 😉

emily 2 years ago

I don’t know any, but I heard they exist 😉

emily 2 years ago

Hahahaha! It’s #1 on my husband’s list :)

Megan 2 years ago

Now that I’m the parent of 3 school-age children I remember with amusement(and some teary eyes) a time when I used to take off my bra at night and cheerios used to fall out courtesy of a nursing toddler. It wasn’t quite the sexy flourish I had been hoping for but it did make my husband and I laugh.

Emily 2 years ago

limp or limb–either one 😉

K Lew Is 2 years ago

Wait…some moms brush their teeth EVERYDAY!? Crap. I need to catch up.

Lorraine Devon Wilke 2 years ago

Fabulous. From an "old mom" who remembers is all well… and got especially misty-eyed at the one about cuddling. Sigh.

Emily 2 years ago

I am so glad you find nearly calcified food remains in your vehicle. Ugh! I try to keep at it, but it never fails there will be something I miss. I hope my face looks like a supportive one, too and not like I smell something bad. If my smile ever looks like a grimace, it’s because I have a bad memory of that very thing happening x 100 :) Thanks for reading!

Suburban Snapshots 2 years ago

I totally did #10. It’s my Christmas present.

Emily 2 years ago

Kate, thank you for stopping by! When I was still teaching, I was working in smalls groups when one of my students asked in horror, “What is on your shoulder?!” It was baby snot. Awesome. I told her, so it could be birth control inspiration :)

Emily 2 years ago

A buffet! I love it! Mine are the same way! My son sits in the way back, and I rarely get back there. When I do, I wish I didn’t. Horrific! And just this morning I wore slippers to drop my son off!

Emily 2 years ago

I have no idea what bra I should be wearing at this point! I think my boob size and shape might change daily :/

Emily 2 years ago

Absolutely! I should have mentioned that. How feed our children and how we get them to sleep are big ones, aren’t they? And yes, my children are suddenly quiet on Time Out. The rest of the day…not so much. It’s like they are throwing Time Out right in my face :)

Emily 2 years ago

Caillou is my nemesis, and now child #3 is a big fan! When will it end?!!!!

Emily 2 years ago

I wish I could have cubicles installed in my SUV, so my children can see, hear or scream at one another. Sheesh! And I am so glad to hear your vehicle looks like that, too! Fair Grounds?! I LOVE it! Thanks for reading!

Maura Conway 2 years ago

Oh- and Formula is totally okay. :) (some children go to Time Out quietly?)

Jamie 2 years ago

I still wear my nursing bras and my youngest is 3. Hey I can’t help I own 5 bras that fit after nursing 4 children and 4 of which are nursing bras… Lol

Stephanie 2 years ago

Vajazzling!

Alecia 2 years ago

Love the list! I gave up on my car long ago. I can flip the seats down and it’s like a buffet in there and I don’t dare go under the seats sometimes because I’m scared of what I might find ha ha. It’s completely OK to throw on a cardigan and a baseball cap over your PJ’s to go through the drive through when you are desperate. If you aren’t getting out of the car – no one will ever know you are in your PJ’s. ha ha

Jennifer@Outsmarted Mommy 2 years ago

YES to all of this!!! I literally just found a bagel under the seat of my car that may or may not have been at least 2 weeks old. It was so hard it could have been used as a weapon. I find myself way too often looking at the mom with the screaming kid in the grocery store or the mom chasing her kid in the park who is about to try goose poop for the first time and thinking stay strong mama…we’ve all been there! I sure do hope they know my look is one of support and not one of judgment, because honestly I can’t judge I’m hiding in the bathroom typing this and confessing about 2 week old bagels in my car.

Erin@MommyontheSpot 2 years ago

Yes to #14!!

Callie Y. 2 years ago

Love, love, love this!

Julie Presley 2 years ago

This is great. Especially the bit about Caillou!!!!

Kate @ Did That Just Happen? 2 years ago

Dying laughing over here! So true, so very true! We aren’t looking to judge, we are looking for strength in numbers! I swear that for years I went to work with spit up on my outfit – it’s just a given! Despite our notions that burp clothes will “catch and/or clean up” everything – they don’t!
Well done Emily, well done!

thedoseofreality 2 years ago

Number 4 made me burst out laughing!! I so want to invent one of those for minivans!! And oh my Lord, the number of food particles in my car could rival the grounds of a fair after it is over! 😉 Great post!-Ashley

Emily 2 years ago

Kathy, I wear my nursing sports bras to exercise all of the time, and my littlest is 2 also. Ok. I might wear it other times as well :) It’s absolutely okay! Thanks for sharing!

Kathy at kissing the frog 2 years ago

I maybe am still wearing my most comfortable and supportive nursing bra when I work out. My littlest is two and a half. And probably am still wearing the same yoga pants I wore last Monday. It’s okay.

Emily 2 years ago

Thank you for your thoughtful response, Debbie! You’re right! We have to take the advice that feels right and comes from a good place. In the end, we go with our gut, and that’s often the best guide! Enjoy your day!

Emily 2 years ago

I took my son to the ER the first time it happened! Rookie mom move :) Now we only make an ER trip if my child’s limp is missing. It’s the difference between the first and the third :) Thanks for reading and commenting!

Emily 2 years ago

Thanks so much! I certainly appreciated when experienced moms could relate to the chaos that erupted in my home. It was refreshing to feel like I wasn’t alone and my children were not wild animals!

Debbie 2 years ago

Good for you Emily. This can be a big help to first time mothers. I remember the days when I thought I wasn’t doing anything right and all this advise was coming my way.
Ladies when it comes to advise take what works for you and throw the rest in file 13.
Love is what is important for that little one and you are going to be ok.
You are right when it comes to the judging mothers. Don’t worry about them they are the most likely to have the brats.
And yes always remember the self perservation. It is not lying but surviving.
Thanks Emily for the smiles this beautiful Monday morning. have a great week.
Debbie

Amy – Funny is Family 2 years ago

Great list! The projectileness of projectile spit-up surprised the hell out of me. My youngest is four and I still find splatter remnants in the craziest places sometimes.

Kathy Radigan 2 years ago

I love this post!! I remember how much I loved and appreciated when a more experienced mom would share some of her wisdom with me. Great piece!