I Would Like To Accept The Award For Worst Night’s Sleep Ever

by Emily Holweger
Originally Published: 
Ercan Sucek / iStock

I would like to thank the Academy. The American Academy of Pediatrics, that is. I am thankful for their recommendation on the number of hours children should sleep—a recommendation my children chose to ignore last night.

I am humbled in accepting this award for Worst Night’s Sleep Ever in the category of Exhausted Mom Whose Spouse Is Out of Town. The competition was stiff. I respect all the other nominees and truly wish them the best in winning this award away from me soon.

I’d like to thank my toddler. Your behavior from 2:45 to 3:30 a.m. was befitting of its own award from a different academy. The whimper for a drink that was quickly replaced with angry screaming when you realized the drink I provided was water was art—pure art. Apparently your real need was for milk.

I would like to thank the farmers in our country who supplied healthy food so I was able to eat a nutritious diet during pregnancy. Had I not, it’s clear you simply would not have the lung power to sufficiently awaken the dead with your screaming. Or to repeatedly kick your crib. Thanks is also due to the manufacturer of the sturdy crib.

I would like to thank my mother for working to instill maternal patience in me. I remembered this as I rocked said screaming child although it was less like rocking and much more like wrestling a bag of snakes.

I would like to thank my inner quitter for finally deciding it was not worth it to teach a lesson at 3 a.m. but rather time to get the milk.

Have I thanked the farmers?! Yes? Yes.

I would like to thank my two daughters for crawling into bed with me sometime after I finally fell back asleep around 5 a.m. I accept this award on behalf of your future husbands and their bruised ribs. You girls have a keen knack for kicking and kneeing at an unbelievable rate.

A special thanks to my oldest daughter for the slap to my face.

I’d like to thank the birds for their role as well. Your chatter at 6 a.m. helped solidify my award, as did the 7 a.m. text from my beloved mom.

Lastly, I’d like to thank my husband for his impending return this evening. I wish to share this award with you tonight. In fact, you may have it altogether because I’m sleeping at my mom and dad’s house.

All in all, I feel deserving of this award. Very deserving.

But mainly tired.

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