Two Spoons

Remember back in the days when you and your spouse were merely dating and sharing a dessert  was the most romantic way to end a meal? You’d settle on a single dessert along with two spoons, to savor, together. Feet would  intertwine under the table and lips would sensuously lick chocolate off of silver. You’d gingerly take a bite, careful not to take too much, in between deep conversation. The last bite would always remain on the plate, because it seemed rude to take the last one and you were each too considerate to dream of such a thing. It was delicious and satisfying and you just couldn’t get enough of it. The dessert and the company.

And, then you got married. And, though romance isn’t entirely dead in marriage, it most definitely isn’t found on a plate of molten chocolate cake.

Or, at least in my marriage it’s not.

When Jeff and I split a dessert these days, it’s more of a race to the finish line than an enjoyable indulgence. We may as well have our hands tied behind our backs and be head butting each other in order to be titled the winner. Most times, I can barely even taste the food I’m inhaling, I’m just shoveling in it my face fast enough to ensure that he doesn’t eat it all before I do. Our dueling utensils fight for the biggest bite; we’re merely one step away from spitting on the plate to claim it as our own.

If it were up to me, I would simply ask for two plates and cut the dessert in half from the beginning, you know, like we would do if we split a main course of fish or chicken. That would make sense, right? It would be equitable and civilized and so much more enjoyable. But, dessert is supposed to be shared for some bizarre reason, clearly the brainchild of a still smitten single person.

We become barbarians, forgetting that a few minutes ago when we placed the order, we were too full to each get our own and only wanted a bite. And, we vow not to share again next time, because neither saving five bucks nor a few hundred calories is worth seeing this side of each other.

Until the next time we go out for dinner, and we do it all over again.

About the writer

@scarymommy

In addition to being the founder of all things Scary Mommy, Jill is also the New York Times bestselling author of Simon and Schuster’s Confessions of A Scary Mommy and Motherhood Comes Naturally (And Other Vicious Lies)

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Billie 4 years ago

This post is so awesome… I was laughing so hard while reading it. It is so spot on for us! I have to say though that I do always let him have the last bite though (still the ever giving soul…LOL), but he always lets me get the first bite so it is even (yes we are still a little to mushy sometimes). The funniest part is that I never really want more than a few bites and always (well for the most part) let him have more than his share, but I want to make sure that I give it to him and that he isn’t just taking it. I too revert back to the 7 yr old in me and start pitching a fit if he comes over on my half without permission.
One of our favorite desserts is a pizza cookie from Oreganos, which is free on your birthday, and I told him this year that I was getting my own and he could pay for his. He laughed and said that I wouldn’t eat more than a third of it anyway so why not share and save the money, to which I quickly replied that I don’t care, for once in my life (I have 7 children) I am not sharing! Hell, I am the baker in the family and never even get a cake baked for me by someone else, so damn it, I am going to have my own dessert! The bad part is I sat there and ate every bite of it just to prove a point and then was miserable the rest of the night. It is so ridiculously funny the extremes we (mommies) will go to to not have to share something.

A Mother’s Thoughts 4 years ago

I love that, “We become barbarians.” This statement is oh so true!

Lynn

Allie J Marlow 4 years ago

Me and my husband have decided to skip the dessert altogether. We can’t afford it in these times. Most often I find recipes on blogs and make dinner and dessert at home! He actually likes my cooking thanks to blogs like. http://www.chefmorgan.com

Love it!

Allie

Lin 4 years ago

Bwahaha…you just described how my husband & I eat our desert. Every. Time.

Why do we do this? No lie, last time we shared I actually yelled ‘hey, you got a bigger piece than I did!’…yes, I reverted to being 7yrs old then.

Rebekah 4 years ago

LOL! Every single time I ask my dear husband if he wants to order his own dessert when I am not in the mood to share which is pretty much always. He says he doesn’t want dessert, but then when the dessert comes he takes these monster size bites of it so it’s devoured before I can get two bites into myself. I wonder if it is his secret plot to me eat a reduced calorie dessert.

Dara Dokas 4 years ago

So true! No more Mr. and Mrs. Nice Guy. For marital harmony it’s best for us to get our own dessert. Also, I don’t dare ask for a “tiny bite” of his food before he’s eaten his fill. I think he has “resource guarding” issues with his food, like some dogs.

christi 4 years ago

We’re like that with pizza. My husband, daughter and I will share a pizza with 8 slices, which means someone only gets 2 slices. Usually the slowest eater!

Hanna 4 years ago

We don’t share well either.

Cyndy 4 years ago

My husband eats fast and will take the last bite and thinks I’m greedy because I notice this. But I can’t help it – I get anxious when my pace of dessert savoring gets disturbed by having to eat it fast to get my fair share. So I always cut the dessert in half and give him a slightly larger piece to offset my “greedy” nature and then I’m free to enjoy it at my own pace. And then I usually get to have the last THREE bites, hahaha!

Paula @ thewilyweez 4 years ago

The last time anyone in our family tried to split dessert there was bloodshed, so we just fork over the extra cash.

NoDramaMama 4 years ago

Screw that! I always ate the last bite! :)

Marinka 4 years ago

Lol, I read that as “two people sharing dessert.”

What kind of a person would voluntarily share dessert?!

Suzanne 4 years ago

My husband and I share dessert nicely as long as it involves chocolate and ice cream – I don’t like chocolate and he doesn’t like ice cream! We tried sharing cheesecake once but when the server came with a tiny little wedge, we immediately ordered a second!

MangoChutney 4 years ago

I hear you! I hate to share and the hubs does too! When we go out to eat, he inhales his food and promptly eats mine, I barely can have any leftovers! If it’s something good that he likes to eat, whether I’ve had my share or not, he’ll eat it, so I have to hide my treats 😉

Mrs. D-Zo 4 years ago

On our first date, my now husband asked me what I wanted for dessert. I played coy and told him to decide as I only wanted a bite. He said he wanted the chocolate hazelnut tart. “Oh, yes. That sounds delicious.” said I.

When the waiter came to take the order, he ordered TWO! He knew damn well I would want more than a bite and he wasn’t about to give up his dessert.

I’m pretty glad we set up these expectations on day one since now I have no intention of playing coy and cute. I want my damn dessert.

Jack 4 years ago

For men who like living dangerously I always advise talking about how many calories must be in that plate for chocolatey goodness.

Ali 4 years ago

We shared dessert last night. My husband was clear to point out when he was getting them that it was TWO different desserts that we were sharing, not one to be divided. Those days are long gone!!

Andrea 4 years ago

I’ve never thought about this before, but wow, is it ever true!

Tinne from Tantrums and Tomatoes 4 years ago

I have never shared a dessert with my husband. We Belgies get very territorial when it comes to our chocolate…

Kate Coveny Hood 4 years ago

I don’t believe in sharing dessert. With anyone. I actually tell my kids that whatever I’m eating (including ice cream) is “spicy.” That usually fends them off. My husband used to pull that annoying girl trick on me where he wouldn’t order dessert for himself – but would want a bite of mine. Also – he takes big bites. And I can’t use the “spicy” excuse with him because he likes spicy food – and because he’s a grownup and knows I’m lying… But still! 11 years later – get the memo – I don’t share my dessert!

Kate with Twice Treasured 4 years ago

2 things: 1. I am new to your blog… nice to meet you. 2. I am impressed you guys still try to split dessert. I know that if I don’t want my fingers bitten, I better order my own!

Johanna 4 years ago

You’ve succinctly described why I always order my own dessert. I’d rather give him the leftovers than duel with spoons!!

Jennifer Burden @WorldMomsBlog 4 years ago

lol! That would be fun… :)

Sue 4 years ago

My prob. is that my hubby’s entirely too sweet about letting me have most of the dessert. I’ve ended up in a body that looks like it swallowed me whole and then went on to order and eat it’s own dessert.

Maegan 4 years ago

Ha! Like my husband ever shared food…Ya know that episode of Friends where Joey doesn’t share food – Maegan’s husband doesn’t share food! 😀

The Flying Chalupa 4 years ago

This is actually one of my favorite posts of yours. So hilarious and soooo true. Just went out for date night last night and “shared” the molten chocolate cake and goddamn it I’m just not quick enough to get my share of the ice cream! Two spoons and one plate, what are we all thinking?

Jessica 4 years ago

I just hid a whole pack of our favorite gummy bears in a coffee mug. He doesn’t drink coffee. I am not good at sharing.

Erin I’m Gonna Kill Him 4 years ago

I’d strangle Greg with my bare hands before I’d let him have the last bit.

(because I’m busy being suuuuuper romantic.)

Kay@Blue Speckled Pup 4 years ago

I suggest slipping a grapefruit spoon into your purse. You can haul in out on occasions that require dessert sharing, and the serrated edges should at least give you an advantage in weaponry.

Sarah 4 years ago

I can’t believe you can make it through dinner to dessert! This must be a dinner sans kids. When we go out, I usually don’t even make it till the check comes before I have to hustle out of there with our wild kiddos to sit in the car while hubby takes care of the bill. If we want dessert, we had better be prepared to hit up the DQ drive thru…although typically the boys behaved so badly during dinner that any possibility of dessert has gone by the wayside. Oh, molten chocolate cake, how I miss you!

Christiana Maxwell 4 years ago

SHARE MY DESSERT?!?!?!?! O.O

Rachel {at} Mommy Needs a Vacation 4 years ago

We had date night Friday night and shared some peanut butter/chocolate thing in a glass. The server called it sex in a glass.

Next time…I am getting my own sex in the glass. It was delicious.

Kate 4 years ago

LOL I can totally relate. My fiancée and I have followed the exact same pattern. I remember a time when I couldn’t get enough of just watching her face as she enjoyed the dessert, barely taking any for myself. Now I can feel myself getting more and more peeved when she takes extra large bites – that’s not FAIR, I think in outrage. Who knew that we’d become our parents? Nobody told me. 😉

Kate
http://ukate.wordpress.com/

Darcie 4 years ago

Haha! This is so true. Something else…the other day I baked a cake. For me, the best part is licking the bowl, the spoon, the countertop, etc. Just at the golden moment, I had the spoon in my hand, and my husband walked in and said, “oh cool, I’m just in time to lick the spoon.” It was almost a fight to the death.

Poppy 4 years ago

I am a shitty speller, but I do know how to spell dessert. Just felt the need to add that.

Poppy 4 years ago

I also use to demurely defer to my husband reference desert selection. If I have to pick up the plate and lick it to get my share, it better be something I like.

Scary Mommy 4 years ago

Yeah, there’s really no point savoring Subway.

Scary Mommy 4 years ago

Amen. I didn’t marry a snorer, so I’m still confused as to how he ended up in my bed.

Scary Mommy 4 years ago

You’re right. I’m vowing to get my own from now on.

Leslie 4 years ago

This is hilarious! I’m still new to the blogging thing but I love reading everyone’s comments and stories…

Regina 4 years ago

We never make it to dessert. We are on a race to get the kids fed and get outta there before someone looses an eye. The kids sometimes are at their worst at the restaurant b/c they are hungry. So we try to limit our time out or go to kid friendly restaurants.

Scary Mommy 4 years ago

HA! Yes, the sauce is totally the best part.

Scary Mommy 4 years ago

You could make a whole blog of before and afters, you know. You’re on to something!

Scary Mommy 4 years ago

LOL. Sounds like a wise choice.

tracy 4 years ago

Usually by this time I am so damn hungry that I just tackle the hoard the whole damn thing because he has already eaten almost all of my dinner on my plate while I wasn’t paying attention because I actually chew my food and some days I’m not really sure that he does. GAH!

Tiffini S. 4 years ago

Generally, the husband wolfs down his food while I get small bites in between the three C’s (cutting sons food, cooling it off, and controlling his ass). Then when the husband is done, he takes over while I inhale mine. By this time, Jr. is ready to jump out of his skin and the booster seat, or the twins might be fussing in their car seats ready to wake up (we only go out to eat after we’ve gorged them on a bottle at home so they crash out in the car), so dessert isn’t even an option.

IF we can order “wuzzert” as my son calls it, when it gets to the table my sons eyes pop out of his head and he says “What is that?” then he does this hyper little giggling thing. Then he says “We can share it?” as if NOT sharing were even an option because we’d be talking global meltdown if he did not get a bite. So the husband and I might get a bite or two in before the kiddo has the thing totally wrecked and slobbered into. By the time we leave, he is on a sugar high, we are drained, and the twins are likely screaming.

Yeah, we eat at home a lot.

Jennifer Burden @WorldMomsBlog 4 years ago

How do you come up with this stuff?

Before kids:

Me: No dessert, I’m full.
Husband: Orders two desserts, pretending that one is for me.
Me: Always wound up eating his desserts with him.

Apres kids:

Quick, get the check, it’s past the kids’ bedtimes! :(

I miss dessert…

Jen :)

mommy23girls 4 years ago

My husband and I have this problem when it comes to profiterols ( puff pastry filled with ice cream then covered with chocolate sauce and whipped cream!). It always starts off pleasant enough with equal parts pastry, ice cream. When it comes down to the chocolate sauce though, it is ON! Like playing WWF with spoons! The worst is looking up and seeing your kids watching the spectacle and then saying ” Can I have a bite?” — No! in unison!! Can only imagine what the waitor thinks!

Julie 4 years ago

I fell this way when my husband and I share a soda. I seldom need or want the whole thing but I am always perturbed by the fact that he drank more than his half.

XLMIC 4 years ago

All that passion from the dueling spoons either turns into awesome sex or someone sleeping in the other room… always one or the other and nothing in between.

Nil Zed 4 years ago

Im I’m such a dessert fiend and unable to decide between whatever chocolate is the cuurent fad and something with no choc that sounds so good! that he has always ordered the other dessert and we share both. I do get dibs on all of the choc though, if the other turns out to be meh.

Erika Marie 4 years ago

Now, more than anything, all I want is some molten chocolate cake. If I had some, there’s no way my husband would get any. If he tried, he’s likely to get bitten.

Anthony from CharismaticKid 4 years ago

I think to myself, “That’ll never be me.”

Coffee Lovin Mom 4 years ago

Nothing is funnier than the truth! We used to sit on the same side of the booth even and swoon…he’s even used the big spider on the wall trick to get the last bite.

Chunky Mama 4 years ago

This happens every time my Hubby and I try to share a bowl of ice cream. I am ashamed to admit there are usually elbows and bared teeth involved.

Tam 4 years ago

Wait. Are you telling me that on top of sharing my car, my bathroom, my bedroom, my BED and my body, I am now expected to share my dessert as well?

I refuse.

Kate 4 years ago

This? Why I got divorced. OK, not really, but it didn’t help.

Galit Breen 4 years ago

Oh man, did you *ever* nail this one!

Luna 4 years ago

Awwwww, I’m totally going to get married and eat cake now.

Deb 4 years ago

YES. I’ll take my own dessert, thank you very much. And, while I’m at it, a husband who doesn’t snore.

Sara Kuiper 4 years ago

Jill, I can so relate. I remember when my husband and I were dating. In particular, I remember him taking me to this ultra fancy seafood restaurant where we gazed into each other’s eyes, spent nearly an hour and a half just staring at each other whispering sweet nothings, and slowly savoring our food. Now, we work completely opposite shifts and we’re lucky to get in a Subway date. Nothing like having Jared posters surrounding you as you get a 5 minute break from the day.

Nellie 4 years ago

I don’t get to have ice cream very often, and yes, in the beginning of our dating lives I DID look for reasons to share the dessert….however now, 13 years later, if he gets near me and my ice cream with his spoon, it could get ugly up in here.

Jennifer 4 years ago

Dueling spoons is part of the fun.

Julie 4 years ago

I don’t even want to share my dessert with my offspring. Forget about my husband!

Rae 4 years ago

AMEN!!

Megan (Best of Fates) 4 years ago

Wait, while dating I’m supposed to politely let the other person eat their fair share of the dessert?

Well, that would have been good to know years ago…

Krista 4 years ago

YES! And, isn’t romance dead in marriage? :)

Laura 4 years ago

Are you me? In my marriage? You must be, really.

LOL.

Callie 4 years ago

Fuck that, I get my own dessert! LOL My loving hubby knows better than to get between me and my desserts.

Tanya 4 years ago

laugh snort